INBOX INSANITY
(Index below. Buddy me for PMs.)
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MESSAGE (1): THE VIEW LOG
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From: a.singhraizada(at)alliance.org
To: k.k.gupta(at)alliance.org
Subject: Query
Dear Miss Gupta,
As you may or may not be aware, every time an Alliance employee views the internal company profile of a fellow employee, the view is logged.
I was curious as to why you, a member of the New York, USA branch have viewed my profile at the London, UK branch a total of 47 times over the past two days.
Kindest regards,
Arnav Singh Raizada
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From: Khushi Gupta
To: Arnav Singh Raizada
Subject: Profile Views
Dear Mr Raizada,
I will be transferring to the London branch next week in order to roll out the new financial risk calculation software. I was simply conducting a thorough reconnaissance of my future colleagues.
I like to be prepared and know what to expect.
Best wishes,
Khushi K. Gupta
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From: Khushi Gupta
To: l.kasyap(at)alliance.org
Subject: IMPORTANT!
LAVANYA FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP USING MY COMPUTER TO STALK THE LONDON EMPLOYEES.
DID YOU KNOW THEY LOG THE VIEWS?!
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From: Lavanya Kasyap
To: Khushi Gupta
Subject: Of Course I Know They Log The Views
Why did you think I was using your computer in the first place.?
Love,
La
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From: Arnav Singh Raizada
To: Khushi Gupta
Subject: "Reconnaissance"
Dear Miss Gupta,
I am curious to know what information you managed to glean from my home address and telephone number. Did you pass them along to a numerologist? Perhaps you stalked my home address on Google Maps in an attempt to take a glimpse at my kitchen decor?
I would also be interested to know why my colleague, Gary Portman's (whose appearance would make a troll cry) profile was only viewed once.
Kindest regards,
Arnav Singh Raizada
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From: Khushi Gupta
To: Arnav Singh Raizada
Subject: Information Acquired
Dear Mr Raizada,
I provide below an itemised list:
1: Yes, I did indeed pass your phone number along to a numerologist. I also requested that he compare it to mine and decide on the best date for us to get married. He says October 10th is looking pretty good. June 7th? Disastrous. Any objections to a Fall wedding?
2: A melon baller and a banana slicer? From your taste in kitchen utensils I'm questioning your common sense and fiscal responsibility. Considering Alliance is a Financial Services company, I am concerned as to what this may mean in terms of your future employment.
3: Mr Portman's kitchen contains only necessary cutlery and a coffee machine. I felt no need to re-examine his profile to determine whether or not he should remain an employee of Alliance. He is clearly an asset to the company.
4: If you are suggesting, as I strongly suspect you are, that my repeated browses of your profile were in any way related to your appearance, you are sorely mistaken. If Mr Portman's face would make trolls cry (and I'm not saying that I agree with your undeniably rude assessment), yours would make ogres weep. I hear you have free healthcare in the UK, might I suggest you pay an urgent visit to an Optician? Or perhaps a Psychiatrist?
Best wishes,
Khushi K. Gupta
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From: Arnav Singh Raizada
To: a.raizada(at)alliance.org
Subject: BROTHER, YOUR PRESENCE IS URGENTLY REQUIRED AT MY DESK. URGENTLY.
Some Pushi or Fushi girl from the US is trying to out-sarcasm me.
This is not acceptable.
I have drafted a response but need you to make sure it isn't going to get me fired.
Arnav
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From: Akash Raizada
To: Arnav Singh Raizada
Subject: Before I Come Over There
Have you considered taking the high road and not responding?
I feel like I know what your answer is going to be even before I typed the question.
Akash
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From: Arnav Singh Raizada
To: Akash Raizada
Subject: If You Already Know The Answer-
Why bother asking?
I'll be waiting.
Arnav
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From: Arnav Singh Raizada
To: Khushi Gupta
Subject: An Itemised Response
Dear Miss Gupta,
Your wit has been noted. Your sarcasm has also been noted. I will not be giving my thoughts on either facet of your apparent personality as I, unlike you, prefer to make my decision based on fact and experience. Let it be known that I am an excellent judge of character and will assess you accurately upon your transfer.
With regards to your itemised list:
1: In the UK, we call it Autumn, not Fall. Perhaps you might like to take a brief crash course in English before you come over here? And obviously Autumn is the only season in which to get married. Summer is too hot and sweating is gross. Winter is too cold and sludgy snow is gross. Spring is too rainy and wet socks are gross. None of this is to say I would ever consider marrying you in Autumn. Or anyone, for that matter. Just that if I were to ever get married, it would be in Autumn.
2: What are either of those things? Have you just come up with ludicrous names for a spoon and a knife? Or are these yet more insane and unnecessary inventions Americans have come up with? Would you like a copy of my most recent bank statement? It might give you a much more favourable picture of my "fiscal responsibility".
3: Wow.
4: Just wow.
Kind regards,
Arnav Singh Raizada
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From: Khushi Gupta
To: Arnav Singh Raizada
Subject: For Your Kind Information
Dear Mr Raizada,
Your rudeness has been noted and will also be taken into consideration upon my transfer.
Best wishes,
Khushi K. Gupta
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From: Arnav Singh Raizada
To: Khushi Gupta
Subject: I Might Be Mistaken
But was that a threat? Are you threatening me?
Kind regards,
Arnav Singh Raizada
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From: Khushi Gupta
To: Arnav Singh Raizada
Subject: Your Paranoia Is Yet Another Concern
Dear Mr Raizada,
Of course not. That would be against company policy and also possibly illegal. I am just informing you of my information gathering skills...
And my memory.
Looking forward to meeting you soon, Mr Raizada.
Best wishes,
Khushi K. Gupta
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From: Arnav Singh Raizada
To: s.jha(at)alliance.org
Subject: New Transfer
Hi Shyam,
Just wondering, the new US transfer you mentioned the other week, when does she arrive?
Regards,
Arnav
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From: Shyam Jha
To: Arnav Singh Raizada
Subject: Re: New Transfer
Hi Arnav,
She arrives a week on Monday. I was actually meaning to talk to you about that. In order to roll out the new software, she's going to need to understand how the current system works etc. etc. so she knows how best to go about it with minimal disruption to workflow.
I was hoping you wouldn't mind being her partner in this project? Try to make it as efficient as possible.
Best,
Shyam
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From: Arnav Singh Raizada
To: Shyam Jha
Subject: Working With The New Transfer
Hi Shyam,
Sounds great! Just so I'm clear though, if for any reason we have a disagreement, would my authority be higher or hers?
Regards,
Arnav
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From: Shyam Jha
To: Arnav Singh Raizada
Subject: Authority
Technically she has been an employee for longer so has seniority, but I suppose as you know and understand the UK branch much better, you should just do what seems best in any given scenario.
Best,
Shyam
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From: Arnav Singh Raizada
To: Khushi Gupta
Subject: Your Transfer
Dear Miss Gupta,
It appears we'll be working much more closely that I previously anticipated.
I am looking forward to it, Miss Gupta.
You should too.
Kind regards,
Arnav Singh Raizada
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From: Khushi Gupta
To: Arnav Singh Raizada
Subject: Working Together
Dear Mr Raizada,
Were you cackling as you typed that? I'm imagining you cackling.
Best wishes,
Khushi K. Gupta
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From: Arnav Singh Raizada
To: Khushi Gupta
Subject: Imagining Me Cackling
Dear Miss Gupta,
The fact that you can envision what I look like while cackling is just further evidence that you have spent far too much time over the past few days staring at my employee photograph.
It's okay. I'd just gotten my hair cut that day.
Some days I stare at my own photo for longer than would probably be considered strictly socially acceptable.
In case you were wondering: yes, I do look even better in person.
Kind regards,
Arnav Singh Raizada
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From: Khushi Gupta
To: Arnav Singh Raizada
Subject: In Case You're Wondering If I Was Wondering?
I wasn't.
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