akdha ff - the desert's rose - Page 6

hi! as always, my words are in bold 😊

Originally posted by: lkdaswani

Hamida's genuine welcome for Jodha touched my heart but on the other side of the spectrum, Ruqaiya's expectations of how Jalal will come to treat Jodha and her clear satisfaction of it really makes the woman in me shudder.

I have always appreciated Hamida's gestures to ensure Jodha felt welcomed into Agra. That and how she defended Jodha, especially during the miscarriage track. and while there was that fake pregnancy track (which granted, Hamida is only human and humans make mistakes) where she apologized to Jodha and almost raised her hand at Jalal who managed to make things worse when he was trying to defend Jodha. Ruqs' view of Jodha and the other begums, on the other hand, always unsettled me. she has this sick pleasure over the (perceived) power she had over Jalal and the power she hoped to gain from being close to him. to her, Jodha is just another prospective notch on his bedpost only to be discarded once he is done with her (until she isn't). this becomes particularly apparent in the Atifa storyline, where she confesses to Jodha that she initially thought Jalal had thrown her to the side until she realized his disdain also included his other khaas begums.

It's true that sometimes- especially when it comes to noble settings, a woman is often another woman's greatest enemy. It comes with competition and competition comes from the practice of polygamy.

speaking of competition, Ruqs would also go so far as to get rid of any competition and she did this with Fareeda when she got pregnant (and this is with the Smiley Suri portrayal btw). which is funny to me because a concubine cannot become Mariam-uz-Zamani yet Ruqs is filled with glee the moment she realizes Fareeda is 3 months pregnant when Jalal has been at the war front for longer than that. she is the one who reports to Jalal, while presenting it as good news initially and when Jalal was about to execute a pregnant Fareeda and her lover, Ruqaiya is the one who encourages him to execute them both. the type of things women in polygamous households would do to ensure their position (and power) is chilling to the core. then there is the whole plotting she does against Jodha with Maham Anga the moment she sees Jodha as another threat to her goals.

But I liked the way you've portrayed the emotions of both these women, I really liked the way Hamida thought
'her usually stoic son had a small smile on his lips' showing his apparent satisfaction at marrying Jodha.
Looking forward to the next update! ❤️

thank you very much and I do hope to update this fanfic by the end of today to make up for my delay in updating. more of Ruqaiya would be seen in the next two chapters. 😊❤️

PS. I am glad that the glitch (of posting long replies) is no longer troubling you.

oh no, it is okay 😊

new place, new faces (part two)(🏜️🌹)

note: so, while rewatching episode 38, it was interesting to see Ruqaiya act unbothered at the news of Jalal getting married to another woman without announcing it to anyone in Agra. this is more interesting to me because Ruqaiya is said to be Jalal's childhood friend who knows his secrets as well as what makes him tick.

it is important to note that in an earlier episode, Ruqaiya was curious as to Jalal's findings in Amer and why he'd go there with him giving half-truths as to why he was there. then, there is a surprise announcement that he married an Ameri princess.

personally, if I was Ruqs, I'd have had alarms going off in my head based on that information. while I appreciate the efforts of both actresses, here, I am using Smiley Suri's portrayal (the composed and calculative Ruqaiya) while integrating the insecurities portrayed by Lavina Tandon's portrayal of Ruqs

flashback

It was not every day one got to spend a day with the Badshah of Hindustan, Ruqaiya knew how much responsibility such a position came with.

Yet, here she was in Mathura after managing to break him out of the stress of his responsibilities.

"Even the emperor deserves a moment of respite, doesn't he?" She had asked with an eyebrow raised.

It was with full reluctance that Jalal agreed to this trip. His fingers waved at one of the guards, requesting Atgah Khan's presence at the Royal Library.

It had been three weeks since the death of Khan Baba, the former Wazir-e-Aliya murdered during an ambush on the way to him performing Hajj - his final wish.

Jalal, upon hearing the news of his foster father's death, had broken down in tears. His emotions were out in the privacy of her hojra with her and Maham Anga as witnesses.

Ruqaiya had never seen him this way - not when he had gotten the news of the death of his biological father. Just witnessing such intensity made her so uncomfortable she had left when provided an opportunity.

She preferred it when he was cold and ruthless. Besides, why waste tears over a man who had openly defied his authority?

The last moments Jalal had with Bairam Khan had become fraught with conflicts that would have escalated into a full-blown war had the older man not conceded defeat.

This trip was more of a getaway - in many ways than one. For one, it had been a long time since Ruqaiya got to spend full quality and uninterrupted time with Jalal.

Her mind heated up in anger at the memory of Maham Anga showing up to interrupt one of their most intimate moments with her presence. Her chappals had been enough to deter the older woman before she decided to come out of her room to confront her. Then, Jalal had been lulled to sleep

That day had not ended well for her with Jalal summoning her at the Diwan-e-Khaas and berating her in front of his ministers.

Ruqaiya did not miss the smug look the white-cladded woman presented her that day.

Who would have thought she was there to inform Jalal about Zaheer's condition in the prison cell? Or that someone had assassinated one of her husband's trusted men?

From that malicious sneer, Ruqaiya could tell that Maham Anga had been in the background orchestrating and pulling strings like the puppet master she was.

That cunning of a green snake slithering through green grass. How Ruqaiya would love to pull the rug under her feet and expose her for the kind of woman she was. The only obstacle in her way was how high of a pedestal Jalal placed his Badi Ammi.

Despite knowing she had a hand in the death of his Khan Baba, Jalal still considered her important - as higher than his wet nurse.

Any attempt to get him to see the light of who Maham Anga was would only fall on deaf ears and further arouse his anger.

His anger was the last thing she needed to face, so, reluctantly, she tolerated Maham Anga. As long as she learned to live with a woman such as her, Ruqaiya could have all the power she desired.

Mathura provided the break she desperately needed from Agra and everything back there. Yet, fate seemed to work against her this very day. For one, that hunting trip she had anticipated going on with Jalal.

Her fingers were poised on the trigger, prepared to release it only for someone to interfere in her hunt by creating a fire.

Oh, once she got her hands on the culprit.

She let out an exhale, her train of thoughts interrupted by clamour from afar. Her attention veered off to the source, her ears picking up a few words.

"No entry unless you pay the jizya," one of the guards stated, looking down on a woman.

"But why?" The woman questioned. "Everyone has the right to pray to their god, regardless of their beliefs. Why should we be made to pay?"

In all her years of living, Ruqaiya had never witnessed anyone as bold as this woman to openly defy the Mughal Empire. From how she dressed and carried herself, Ruqaiya could tell that she was of royalty too.

Such a shame being that the Mughals ruled here, not some measly Hindu princess, her lips tilted up in arrogance as she watched the scene.

Waving her two fingers at a guard, she asked, "Who is she?"

"Begum Sahiba," the guard bowed in respect before dignifying her question with an answer. "She is a member of Amer's Royal Family, daughter of Maharaj Bharmal. She and her brothers made a pilgrimage trip to Mathura in honour of Yam Dwitiya."

"Hmm," Ruqaiya mused, her eyes giving the Ameri princess another glance over from afar. "And by what name does she go by?"

"Registan ka Gulab, Huzoor."

With a renewed resolve, the Mughal squared up her shoulders as she prepared to step into the scene.

Why not test just how thorny this rose could be?

flashback over

She had tested the thorny stalk of that rose and her fingers stung from the impact.

Ruqaiya's face burned red just in memory of how the Registan ka Gulab had outwitted her. Or how the Rajkumari's eyes stared into hers without a hint of fear as she pulled off her necklaces thereafter to pay off the taxes of not just her and her family but those of the pilgrims for the next five years.

Blowing out the smoke from her hookah, she let out a raucous bout of laughter at the turn of events.

So, Jalal had gone undercover into the gates of Amer - not just to gauge its weakness - but to discover the desert's rose.

Ya Khuda, Allah works in mysterious ways indeed, the irony was too rich for her to maintain a straight face.

Knowing the kind of man Jalal was, it would only take a miracle if this desert rose could manage to retain her thorns under the roof of this harem.

Once Jalal broke her down - from her pride to her will, she would be nothing more than the decorations and ornaments of this place - lost to history and bound to be replaced by something new.

Maybe Agra was not as bad as Jodha had initially believed. While some of the people of this place stared at her like she was an alien being or worse, treated her like she was forced upon them (Maham Anga and her dumb brute of a son, Adham Khan, being two major examples), she smiled in gratitude as the two older women showed her around the palace.

Malika-e-Azaam, who had politely requested she refer to her as Ammi Jaan, had given her the grandest of welcome which made Agra feel more like a home than a prison.

"This is your home now, bete," the older woman had smiled down on her as soon as the procession was done.

Then, a younger girl came forward with a jar of milk. Jodha could deduce that she was about the same age as she was and an equally warm soul like Ammi Jaan and Jiji Ammi

"Adaab, Bhabijaan," she greeted her warmly. "As per the customs of the Mughals, I am to wash your feet with this milk."

With a nod of the head, Jodha slowly pulled up her ghagra, exposing her feet as the young girl proceeded. From what she gathered, she was Bakshi Bano Begum, younger sister to Jalal and wife to Sharifuddin.

She seemed such a sweet girl that Jodha could only frown at the thought of such a person being related to such men by blood and marriage respectively.

And it wasn't just Bakshi Bano, even Ammi Jaan.

Strange, wasn't it? She had expected to meet with a den of vipers in Agra but here she was with at least three welcoming presences.

Jodha's eyes wandered as Ammi Jaan showed her the mahal first and she had to admit that the architecture was one of the best state of art she would ever encounter. The building stood as imposing as the man who ruled it with its designs and ornaments integrating the Mughal culture with the Hindustani architecture.

As much as she may dislike most of the people within this place, she could not deny the beauty that met her vision.

But if she thought the palace was outstanding, her mind would later change as Ammi Jaan took her to the palatial garden.

"The Angoori Bagh, bete, was rebuilt once Jalal reinstated Agra as the seat of power. Under his orders, this garden has only blossomed even further than it did while under the reign of Badshah Humayun," with a solemn look, Ammi Jaan looked up to whisper some prayers with the women behind her replying "ameen".

Jodha gazed at the variety of flora from sweet-smelling jasmines to alluring roses, the Angoori Bagh was as serene as serene could be. The shrubs looked neatly trimmed and well-maintained.

For a man like Jalal, he did ensure the Angoori Bagh was made into the state of art it was.

Then, Ammi Jaan led her to the two courts, the Diwan-e-Aam and the Diwan-e-Khaas.

"Here, public cases are brought to the emperor," Ammi Jaan explained as she brought her to the public court. "From criminal cases to civil disputes, every citizen exercises their rights to be judged fairly by their emperor."

With an offhanded nod, Jodha stared off at the court. There stood a raised platform where the emperor - he - was to sit while he oversaw the cases brought to him.

Yet, why did she feel they would be anything but judged fairly?

"And the Diwan-e-Khaas, Ammi Jaan? Is it the high court?"

With a smile, Ammi Jaan led her back to the palace, the journey back being a bit too ardent for the young queen.

"Here, Diwan-e-Khaas is a lot more different. Here, cases involving the royal family are judged and in addition, major political decisions are determined by the emperor. New laws are drafted and signed into effect in this very court, bete."

She paused momentarily as she stared back at the empty seats in the palace, then, she turned to see the women before her staring at her in expectation as if they were waiting for her.

She let out a nervous laugh as she nodded at them to lead her to their next destination - the harem.

Now following Ammi Jaan, Jiji Ammi and Bakshi Bano to a building just as huge as the palace, Jodha needed no one to tell her this was the harem. An ominous feeling filled her the moment she stepped a foot inside with Moti and Reva accompanying her.

The interior was just as beautiful as the exterior yet her heart seized as she took in the sight of an unknown territory. Amer was not like this, at least, not in the way she remembered.

While polygamy was not an odd occurrence in Rajputana, the Rajput queen grew up in a monogamous home and found this a culture shock as she was met with a room filled with giggling and the sight of women dancing.

"This is the South Wing of the harem," Ammi Jaan broke through her thoughts. Jodha found herself snapping back to the present. "Here, the concubines of the emperor as well as the courtesans take their residence."

Not only were there concubines and courtesans, but there were also a few bandhis and khwaja siras, some gathered around a table as they engaged in series of board games like chess.

Her face lit up into a smile as it reminded her of when she'd play a game of chess with her sisters, bhabis and Sujamal Bhaisa. As much as his betrayal stung, she found herself missing him just as much as she missed the others.

Ammi Jaan took her around a few more places in the harem before finally stopping at one final section.

"The North Wing, bete," she announced and Jodha could see more women than she had seen in the South Wing. "Women of the Royal Family make their homes up in the North Wing."

Unlike the South Wing, the North Wing had women dressed more opulently with their intricately designed jhoomers on the left side of their heads and their large nath on their noses. Their attires were made from pure silk and their dupattas covered a part of their hair.

Even they were caught up in their own worlds, some playing board games as well. At one corner were begums awaiting their turns as one took her time in applying mehendi to the hands of another.

It was a matter of time before someone would point her out.

Like vultures eyeing a carcass, their eyes narrowed in at her like a target as they all came face to face with the new begum.

While Jodha was used to having this many eyes on her, there was something unsettling about how they glanced at her as if they were a tiger waiting to pounce on its prey.

It felt like treading on eggshells as she moved along with Ammi Jaan and the other women.

"Adaab, Begum Sahiba," they greeted Ammi Jaan before focusing their attention back on her.

One of them held a plate out for her, her kohl-lined eyes staring at her in a way that made the Rajput uncomfortable. It was as if she was being assessed by these women.

"Kya tumhe paan chahiye?"

(do you want some paan?)

Paan.

She had taken that once upon a time with Sujamal Bhaisa and Bhagwan Das Bhaisa on her 15th Diwali.

That night ended with Maa Sa scolding her - for indulging in that and her brothers - for letting her chew on paan. It also came with a month where she was barred from going outside the palace. Since then, she always avoided paan.

Maa Sa was nowhere around to scold her if she chose to take one from the tray yet-

"Dhanyavaad but I do not take paan," she gave an apologetic smile, her tone as rueful as she could make it. The queen made a face at her as if she was an alien for refusing paan before taking one from the tray and popping it into her mouth while staring at her.

Jodha slowly exhaled, unaware that she had been holding her breath for that long as the queen would walk away from her. Was this a harem or the jungle itself?

Ammi Jaan, who had been silently observing her reaction, reassured her before leading her to one more place - her chambers or hojra, as she had called it.

It was spacious and airy - a place fit for a begum like her. At the far end stood a little shrine for her Kanha. A smile lit up Jodha's face again at the thought that he had held up to his end of the bargain.

He might be a jallad but he always keeps his word.

Then, her face fell again.

That look was not missed by Ammi Jaan who caught it in time.

"You do not like him, do you?"

That caught Jodha off guard as she stared at Ammi Jaan. How could she answer such a question? How could she tell a mother that she despised her son? Yet, she could not lie to Ammi Jaan either.

"He is heartless and cruel, how can one love a man like that, Ammi Jaan?"

Expecting a negative response from Ammi Jaan, the older woman only gazed at her in appreciation of her honesty, shocking Jodha even further.

"Not only did you think about what he has," Ammi Jaan started. "You also considered what he doesn't have. I appreciate that and Insha'Allah, you will be the one who kickstarts his frozen heart."

Jodha almost scoffed at that. She? Kickstart his heart? Despite that, she nodded. Every mother would want what was best for her child even if her child's heart was made out of stone - for the most part.

"I will take my leave and let you rest. Allah Hafiz, Jodha," Ammi Jaan greeted her before turning to leave. The women who had accompanied her also repeated the same gesture.

That left Jodha, Moti, Reva and some of the Hindu bandhis.

Jodha let out a sigh with the knowledge that she needed a bit of respite. Once the sun set, her nikah would commence and she would have to be within close proximity to jallad again.

Jalal had not graced her room with her presence like she thought but instead, gone to consult the maulvis to make arrangements for his nikah with his new bride.

From what Ruqaiya was able to gather from her informant, the religious leaders had given him hell for allowing his new begum to retain her religion rather than convert to Islam as per Mughal customs.

It had her pause and now, she mulled over the thought of him letting one of his begums keep on practising her religion.

Jodha would not be the first non-Muslim bride Jalal would take, in fact, there were many who had been of one religion or the other but the moment they came under the roof of this harem, they all converted.

Could there be more than what met the eyes here?

Even as the nikah commenced, even as Jalal had said "qubool hai" thrice, Ruqaiya did not miss the way his eyes - those typically cold eyes - were heated as he glanced at Begum Jodha through the pardah.

What exactly was so special about this new bride of his?

What set her apart that Jalal would break a rule for her and send her that stare that many of his begums wished he'd direct towards them?

Who really are you, Registan ka Gulab?

With Hoshiyaar and a few of her bandhis accompanying her with trays of gifts, she stopped before the woman whose eyes seemed to widen in recognition before settling for a contained smile.

Oh, she raised a brow. Not even a hint of fear.

That was new for the queen who was used to being regarded in fear from the other queens.

"I brought gifts for you, to welcome another begum into Agra and the harem. Please, accept the gifts I offer you," Ruqaiya pointed at the trays, the bandhis coming forward.

Wordlessly, Jodha placed both hands on the tray, accepting them.

Ruqaiya watched as the gifts were then passed on to the bandhis who stood beside her. However, Ruqaiya silently requested Hoshiyaar to present a box the eunuch had held with him.

"Even I have a personal gift of mine, Begum Jodha," she opened up a box and dipped her hands inside to present a golden necklace.

The light that bounced off the necklace almost blinded Ruqaiya as she held it up. Her lips curled up into a smirk at the thought of exercising her power over her.

"The golden necklace was produced by the best of Hindustan's jewellers and procured from Mathura," she paused, her eyes scrutinizing the Rajput's face for any change in composure.

"I thought to myself, what better gift than a necklace from the khaas begum to a special guest of ours," she smiled, impressed by herself. "I request that you wear it right now."

For a moment, Ruqaiya believed she got the Rajput queen right where she wanted her as the latter stared at the necklace.

However, the rug was pulled from under her feet as Jodha merely accepted the necklace, a smile on her face, "Since this is a gift from the head of the harem, I will wear it while here at the right time."

Not showing her displeasure, Ruqaiya nodded before turning to take her seat behind the pardah.

It was a matter of time before Jalal's presence would be announced and to her dismay again, not once was his attention on her and if it was, it was only brief by a few milliseconds.

"Tut-tut," there was that annoying sound beside her and Ruqaiya knew she did not need to turn to see who it was.

The woman beside her turned, a malicious grin as she stared back at her.

"Adaab, Ruqaiya Begum," Maham Anga greeted, her salutation being anything but genuine. "I reckon this jashn is to your liking."

She scoffed internally. If this old woman wanted to rile her up with her fake concern, it was working awfully well.

"Do you expect it to be anything less?" She replied, turning to look at the woman who only grinned at her.

"No, Ruqaiya Begum, absolutely not. I think you might need to take note of a threat, however."

"A threat?" Ruqaiya almost snorted. Had dementia started creeping up on Maham Anga? What threat could this Rajput queen pose to her? "She is nothing, only another prospective notch on Shehenshah's bedpost. If anything, he'd play with her for a few days before discarding her to the side, why should I view her as a threat?"

As if to answer her question, Maham Anga cocked her head to the side and there was the scene that felt way too intimate for Ruqaiya's liking.

She could not miss the way Jalal held on to Jodha's hand as he took a bite from the sweet. This was way too intimate, hell, even scandalous for this to be done in the public eye. Nor could she miss the way he stared at her as if he was longing after...after-

No-. No!

She swallowed at the thought of what she had believed impossible her whole marriage. He could not possibly have a working heart that was slowly starting to beat for this Rajput. How was it even-?

In her thoughts, she had almost forgotten about the older woman who silently observed her facial expressions.

"Now you see what I mean?"

She did and she saw more than enough. Way more than she needed to see.

Like the snake she was, Maham Anga slithered away, leaving Ruqaiya to stew in her thoughts and her plot to instigate chaos.

Her eyes narrowed as she stared at the two, her mind coming up with ways to exercise her ownership before this Rajput woman would take away her post, her power and her desires

Hell would have to freeze over first before that would even happen.

closing notes: I just want to say that I appreciate the lovely comments and feedback I have received so far. it has been a constant motivation for me to continue writing and I want to say thank you (yes, even to the silent readers 🙏🏾)

for the second part of this note, I am so sorry for the dark turn this is about to take but this is real life and I had to talk about the rape and murder of Dr. Moumita. as a woman, it is horrific and as a human, this should not be happening to anyone at all. this was a woman who was out doing her job to serve humanity and even if she was doing something else like clubbing and whatnot, she did not deserve any of that. no woman should be afraid to work or walk at night and no woman should be scared to party. no woman should be restricted from doing the things she loves because she is scared that she may be harmed, raped and killed. my heart goes out to the women of India protesting #justicefordrmoumita.

You're such a gem of a writer do you know that?? Awesome description of Ruqaiyya's POV for the relationship between Jodha and Jalal. The insecurity part along with Jalal's actions and Mahamanga's gaslighting was beautifully described. I am feeling short of words describing the beauty.

Coming to another tangent, Smiley was weak to me as Ruqaiyya. Her acting wasn't that impressing nor her chemistry with Rajat was that good. Moreover she used to older than Rajat, but Lavina was perfect in three. Moreover, Ruqaiyya was from Kabul and her skintone (not bodyshaming) matched perfectly. However when comes to the character, Smiley's Ruqaiyya was a proper grey shaded character from whatever episode I understood. But Lavina's Ruqaiyya was so immature and delusional.

One of the highlights was, the episode of Farida if you remember. When Hamida prophesied that Jalal wouldn't have any child till he falls in love with his wife, she was sad because she knew Jalal would never fall for her and felt threatened to think that someone else would come in his life who would teach him love. However, there was something ~ a one sided love from her side inside the room when Jalal asked her whether the words of Ammijaan had been true and she denied that. I saw some maturity there.

But Lavina's Ruqaiyya lacked maturity, everything ended with power and position for her, not Jalal's love. She didn't want to lose control from him and was possessive but an unhealthy one

my words are in bold 😊

Originally posted by: AninditaB

You're such a gem of a writer do you know that?? Awesome description of Ruqaiyya's POV for the relationship between Jodha and Jalal. The insecurity part along with Jalal's actions and Mahamanga's gaslighting was beautifully described. I am feeling short of words describing the beauty.

hello, hello! I appreciate your kind words. I do try my best to encapsulate the thoughts and feelings of the characters (including the ones whom I find quite tricky, like Maham Anga, lol). Ruqaiya has always been quite an interesting character for me because while she claims to know Jalal so intimately, it turns out she does not at all. for me, I want this chapter to be the part where she starts to realize that contrary to what she had believed, she really does not know him that intimately.

Coming to another tangent, Smiley was weak to me as Ruqaiyya. Her acting wasn't that impressing nor her chemistry with Rajat was that good. Moreover she used to older than Rajat, but Lavina was perfect in three. Moreover, Ruqaiyya was from Kabul and her skintone (not bodyshaming) matched perfectly. However when comes to the character, Smiley's Ruqaiyya was a proper grey shaded character from whatever episode I understood. But Lavina's Ruqaiyya was so immature and delusional.

I agree with your assertion about the portrayal of Ruqaiya by Smiley Suri. when it comes to the acting, I prefer Lavina Tandon but the character of Ruqaiya herself, I find myself preferring Suri's portrayal and that is what I plan to go with for this fanfic. of course, the immature Ruqs might end up showing up here and there but I will try to keep it to the bare minimum.

One of the highlights was, the episode of Farida if you remember. When Hamida prophesied that Jalal wouldn't have any child till he falls in love with his wife, she was sad because she knew Jalal would never fall for her and felt threatened to think that someone else would come in his life who would teach him love. However, there was something ~ a one sided love from her side inside the room when Jalal asked her whether the words of Ammijaan had been true and she denied that. I saw some maturity there.

But Lavina's Ruqaiyya lacked maturity, everything ended with power and position for her, not Jalal's love. She didn't want to lose control from him and was possessive but an unhealthy one

I feel like even Suri's Ruqs would end up being possessive and all about her power (as seen with the Farida episode). I mean, she is the one who delivers the news of Farida's pregnancy to Jalal before adding the fact that her pregnancy's duration is shorter than how long he has been at the war front. the interesting part about this is that Farida is a concubine and is not going to be Mariam-uz-Zamani nor is the child going to be the heir to the throne (if he is a male child) yet Ruqs felt it necessary. and this is Suri's Ruqaiya here.

the difference is that Suri!Ruqs is going to hide her insecurity under concern while Tandon's Ruqs displays her insecurity to everyone around.

Originally posted by: IshqHaiWoEhsaas

@Bold, you mean the Mughals? or the Rajputs?

I meant the both clans.

Yet another brilliant chapter!!
This written scene I would like to praise--
The scene where Jalal holds Jodha's hand to eat the sweet during the celebration. That scene was so creepily hot in the show that I feel almost embarrassed for liking it so much and just wish to praise how beautifully you've translated that scene into words.

Ruqaiya's insecurities are shining bright for everyone to see and Jodha is so elegant in dealing when faced with them-- the necklace scene was very well written!

Looking forward to the next chapter!!! ❤️

my words are in bold 😄

Originally posted by: lkdaswani

Yet another brilliant chapter!!
This written scene I would like to praise--
The scene where Jalal holds Jodha's hand to eat the sweet during the celebration. That scene was so creepily hot in the show that I feel almost embarrassed for liking it so much and just wish to praise how beautifully you've translated that scene into words.

thanks for this! so true, watching the scene on tv had me gasping at the audacity of Jalal had to be doing that in front of his court. it was way too intimate for anyone to ignore which leads to Maham Anga taking advantage of Ruqs' insecurity in this fanfic.

Ruqaiya's insecurities are shining bright for everyone to see and Jodha is so elegant in dealing when faced with them-- the necklace scene was very well written!

what Ruqaiya planned as a way to show Jodha her place in the harem ends up backfiring on her. Jodha is not going to allow anyone dictate her steps, not Jalal and especially not Ruqaiya. and thanks, I was actually planning to have the necklace be the one which was used to pay off the taxes in Mathura but I doubt it would be possible to use administrative funds for personal reasons.

Looking forward to the next chapter!!! ❤️

I hope to post the next chapter later this evening 😄💜

i hate you for everything i love you for (🏜️🌹)

opening notes: I gotta apologize for the delay in the update. due to my volunteering at my church, I've been feeling quite burned out and was not able to update but here I am, back on the scheduled program 😌. on Wattpad, I typically update on Sundays and Thursdays while on the forum, I update on Mondays and Fridays.

flashback

His legs had brought him down to Amer and he had finally gotten to see its treasure, the Registan ka Gulab - Rajkumari Jodha, the oldest daughter of Maharaja Bharmal.

Little had he anticipated that his mind would drive him to this point of madness, to the point of following the procession of palkis to the lakeside.

From what he had picked up from the locals, this was where the women of the Royal family would float their diyas and find out what the future held for them.

Did he believe in that? Maybe he did and maybe he didn't, not that any of that mattered. He was here for one thing only and that was only the sight of the woman who had eliminated that many Mughal soldiers.

Of course, 30 was only a minuscule amount compared to the full strength of his army yet that had managed to spark his interest the moment he heard about her.

So far, he had pulled a dirty trick of claiming he was with Raja Suryabhan after the guards had made the mistake of barring the Rajput king. Surely they were not to repeat that same mistake, he had joked with the men who let him in with hushed apologies.

This place was different, he surmised as he took a walk, his eyes slowly observing the people. This place was more colourful than he was used to, granted he had made his way in during an auspicious festival.

And not just that - the women here bared their faces to the public, although some covered their hair. The young emperor could only grin at the thought of one of his maulvis seeing such a sight as this. They would have a heart attack just at the thought.

It was hilarious - just the thought of the ultra-conservative scholars going into a fit at the mere imagination of a woman walking around without the pardah.

His lips remained curled as he stifled the chuckle which threatened to bubble out of him.

His legs took him down the stairs by the lakeside until he was at a sizeable distance where he would not get caught or be detected as a stranger. He stood behind Raja Suryabhan who gazed at Rajkumari Jodha.

Words would not describe the amount of latent rage which threatened to burn him at the sight of this tall oaf who stared at the Rajkumari like a lost puppy.

Raja Suryabhan instantly became a nuisance that Jalal decided he'd deal with - one way or the other - as his eyes were on his Rajkumari.

She stood by the lake with her mother and two other young girls he assumed were her sisters. They all held on to their diyas as their mother, Maharani Mainavati guided them through.

It was something about seeing their future in the lake. Again, Jalal's opinion on how much he believed that was a matter of maybe yet he could not help but the drawn to the possibility that he could be a part of the Rajkumari's destiny.

First, the two younger Rajkumaris had floated their diyas, both of them expressing disappointment thereafter. He needed no one to tell him they had seen nothing in the lake.

Now, it was Rajkumari Jodha's turn. Her hands came together as she bowed slightly.

"Gauri Maa, what could my future possibly hold for me?"

Keenly, Jalal watched as she floated her diya on the lake and in less than a second, a clap of thunder sounded across prompting a heavy rain.

What the-, he thought as he watched the people run for shelter.

"Why is it raining so heavily?!" Rani Mainavati exclaimed, her hand holding her dupatta close to herself. "What bad omens have come to visit us this auspicious evening? Jodha!"

Jodha, on the other hand, remained rooted to the spot and Jalal could only grow more curious as he looked down.

Lo and behold, his eyes could finally find the reason for her staying static. His eyes twinkled in mischief as he grinned at the sight of his reflection right behind hers in the lake.

So, her gods had decided he would be a part of her future.

Her eyebrows scrunched up in confusion as she turned to look at him but it seemed her gods did not want her to meet him yet as a foggy mist blocked her from seeing him.

He would have been offended but no, he wasn't. Instead, he remained rooted in place, waiting to see what next step she would take.

She stood up to her full height now, her body turned to find out for herself whoever it was she had seen in those waters. It seemed she was ready to defy her gods just so she could catch a tiny glimpse of him but those gods had a different plan for her.

"Jodha!"

Just like that, it was as if she was jolted from a trance as she looked away from him.

Still, he stood, watching for her next move. Would she keep on trying to know who he was or would she walk away?

She picked the latter, her legs taking her toward the direction of the voice that had called out to her. It was there afterwards he noticed a shiny jewelry on the floor - a payal, her payal.

Hesitantly, he took a few steps as he stared at it. It was made of silver and decked with stones and gems. Just like its owner, this payal looked like a state of art made by the best of jewellers.

His hand picked up the anklet and his thumb felt the cool hard diamonds pressing against it. He was rarely the type to ponder on things like this unless they were something that caught the eyes of Ruqaiya Begum.

Yet, why did this payal call out to him like a siren and why did he succumb to its call?

Standing to his full height with the payal in his hand, he continued his observation before throwing the anklet up in the air.

It felt light, even lighter with each time he tossed it until it was no longer in his hand but on the ground - right in the fire.

As if in a trance, he went down on his knees again, his hand reaching out for the payal. His mind barely registered the pain of the flames meeting his skin.

His mind was only driven by one goal and that was to retrieve the payal.

A smile lit up his face as the heated jewelry was back in his hand and with that came an unspoken promise - the promise that the owner of this payal would make it with him back to Agra.

flashback over

He was burned again, not by the fire this time, but by the flames of her audacity. He had to give it to the desert's rose for displaying just one of the many ways her spikes could inflict the worst of pains and his ego took the hit.

He had demanded she sing for him before the court of the Mughal Empire, perfectly placing her on the spot like she was a mere spectacle and instead, she made him the spectacle by insulting him in his own territory.

Maybe asking her to sing was a bad idea after all.

He could not even get back at her with a severe repercussion, after all, she had followed his orders - just not in the way he had expected.

What do I need to do to clip your wings, Jodha Begum? To prune you of those thorns?

His hand gripped tightly on the cup that held his wine, his face fixed into a scowl as his mind swept through the possibilities.

One way or the other, he was going to strike back in a way that would have Jodha wish she had never pulled that stunt with him.

Her heart rate spiked the instant she woke, her mind already reeling from her recent nightmare.

Barely a week here and we've invited trouble for ourselves, she thought to herself as she slowly sat up.

She could already guess that she was already the talk of the empire, her ears not missing the gossip from the other begums who failed to make it any less obvious they were talking about her.

Oh Kanha, she slowly rubbed her temples.

It took her a few seconds before realizing she had company, her body rooted to the spot as she came face-to-face with none other than Ruqaiya Begum.

How long had she been watching her? Was she standing there all the while she was asleep? Even the thought of that was enough to creep Jodha out.

Most of all, has she forgotten what privacy is?

Ruqaiya seemed satisfied with her evident discomfort, her eyes taking the time to scan her chambers before settling back on her.

"I see you were expecting someone else," she smirked as if she had won a prize at a fair or something. "I render my apologies for disappointing your expectations in that case."

Now, Jodha was not sure whose presence she was to dread more: the jallad's or that of his khaas begum? What type of sadistic choice was she forced to pick between?

Instead, she chose to keep silent, waiting for Ruqaiya to continue, not that the other woman needed such prompting.

"You made quite the scene this evening, Jodha Begum," she stared at her with venom. "You must think you are special to the point you think Jalal would come over here," she continued and Jodha wanted to press her hand against her forehead.

Yes, the presence of Ruqaiya Begum in her hojra threw her off but not for the reason she was implying.

Ruqaiya then gave her a glance-over as if she was sizing her up, her lips curled into a smirk as she went on, "You may be his new bride but Jalal always spends his first night back in Agra with me."

And that made it to the top of the list of things Jodha did not need to know but here she was anyway. Her brows shot up as she stared back at Ruqaiya.

Did she walk all the way over to tell me this?

What domino had she set off this evening?

"There is nothing special about you but you seem to think you deserve an ounce of his attention," now, Ruqaiya was seated on her bed as she continued her one-sided dialogue. "At the end of the day, you are just a toy, a war trophy for him."

Jodha fought the urge to scoff, she perfectly got that and needed no reminder of that but why was Ruqaiya in her chambers again?

"How do you find your hojra, Jodha Begum?" She questioned, a fake smile plastered on her face. With all the false concerns Jodha had gotten from Maham Anga, she was not so naive to believe Ruqaiya was showing genuine care for her welfare.

Yet, Maa Sa would have sent her a stare so sharp it would cut through fabric if she remained silent.

"I have barely settled in," she was honest with that answer. How could she settle in if this was one of the things she had to look forward to?

"Consider the chandeliers in this space," she started, that smirk on her face and Jodha looked up to observe them. Then, she took notice of everything else: the white porcelain vases with accents of gold and royal blue, the ornately decorated mirror at her vanity table down to the silky bedsheets. She grasped Ruqaiya's point before she could say anything further.

"Once upon a time, Shehenshah loved these chandeliers and was willing to pay an exorbitant price for them. He loved them so much that I would get jealous at how much he'd spend to have them. But eventually, he lost his interest in them and it all fell upon me, his khaas begum to take care of them."

Jealous? Jealous.

It all added up in Jodha's mind. Her recent discovery now making her break into a smile as she allowed Ruqaiya go on her monologue.

Why else would a queen like Ruqaiya walk into her chambers to deliver this long speech? If indeed Jodha was not special, if indeed she was just some spoil of war, if indeed she was a toy like Ruqaiya claimed, why would she go through the troubles of doing this?

Only a person with their insecurities would feel threatened by someone else, Dadi Sa had once said. That could not be truer than right now.

But why? That was the real question for Jodha now. Not only did she find this ridiculous but she was already starting to feel pity for Ruqaiya too.

What would drive a woman to jealousy to the point she directed it towards inanimate objects and people she deemed unimportant?

Ever observant, Jodha kept her ears open. If only Ruqaiya realized she had inadvertently let out her weakness to her.

"Such is the way of kings, Jodha Begum," Ruqaiya let out a sigh. "They become fascinated by the new shiny object, do everything in their power to obtain it and," she snapped her fingers to further mark her point, "it is gone just as fast."

"And your point is, Ruqaiya Begum?" Jodha asked, playing clueless.

Ruqaiya lost her fake smile, her expression now serious.

"My point is that your little tantrums are not going to keep you relevant in the harem nor Jalal's eyes. He will give you so much of his attention until he gets what he wants before tossing you to the side."

"I got that, Ruqaiya Begum," Jodha nodded slowly, suppressing her urge to roll her eyes. That urge grew stronger the more she engaged the begum before her. But her need to study the woman behind Ruqaiya Sultan Begum overpowered her desire for this night to be over and done with. "But what did you really desire to tell me?"

Up on her feet, Ruqaiya circled the bed Jodha was seated on, her glance so predatory that she would have felt intimidated if she was of a lesser status.

"You seem smarter than you let on, Jodha Begum," she put on that fake smile again. "I'd hope you would keep it up. It would be a shame if you end up being kicked out of this harem, after all. I am the head of this harem and you have no idea what I am capable of."

That was a threat.

"And Shehenshah would let you do that?"

A laugh of derision escaped Ruqaiya as she shrugged in confirmation.

"Why not? With a simple word from him, Jodha Begum and he would not blink twice. He rules the Mughal Sultanate while I, as his friend and khaas begum, pull the string that holds him. With just a word, he does whatever I wish for him to do."

Now, that really grabbed Jodha's attention. Her head jerked up attentively as she bore a wide smile.

"Are you that confident that Shehenshah would do whatever you tell him to?" She could not even curtail the ray of hope that shone through her voice at that question.

Even Ruqaiya's face slightly fell at the fact that she got a different reaction as she responded with a "Yes."

Oh, this was good. Way too good for her. Why not take advantage of this while she could?

"Then, give me your word, Begum Ruqaiya," Jodha leaned closer, her voice steady. "Give me your word that if I follow your command, if I do as you tell me, you will keep Shehenshah away from me. That you would make it so that he doesn't look at me or even think of my existence."

Ruqaiya seemed shocked at her request, her face scrunched up in disbelief. This is just a taste of things to come, Begum Ruqaiya.

"Only if you can promise me that you do all these, only then will I do whatever you want me to. After all, you claim to be in control of his thoughts and actions," Jodha was done now, her head held up high.

For a moment, Jodha could see the mask of Ruqaiya falling apart before she donned another - the one of a woman in disbelief as she went into a cackling fit.

Jodha sat stoically as she watched the spectacle. She had merely said what she needed to say and it was left for Ruqaiya to show that she was indeed the puppet master she claimed to be

Even after making her way out of Jodha Begum's hojra, Ruqaiya could not help but laugh at the irony. Here she had believed that one insignificant Rajput begum was a threat when Jodha did not want to be even a thought in Jalal's mind.

How could Ruqaiya have seen Jodha as less than the irrelevant new begum she was?

Oh, if Jalal should even have an idea that his new bride didn't want him- the chaos it would result in. What was one more chaos to cap off the already chaotic night?

And Maham Anga had tried to warn her about what? A drop of water against a heavy flood?

Calming herself down, Ruqaiya stared into the mirror, her satisfied mug on her face as she slowly took down her jewelry.

And to think she was about to have sleepless nights over this? She scoffed, her fingers on their way to unclasp her jhumkas as her mind played back to how she had relayed all that took place in Jodha Begum's hojra to Maham Anga.

As expected, the older woman had gone on her paranoid diatribe on how much of a danger the Rajput begum was.

"Mark my words, Ruqaiya Begum," Maham Anga held out a finger as if to warn her. "You make an error in underestimating a woman like Jodha Begum."

She scoffed at her words, "And what should I find threatening in a Begum who desires nothing from Shehenshah, Maham Anga? Why should a tigress give thought to a lowly ant?"

"Even a tiny ant had enough bite force to have the elephant dance to its tune, Ruqaiya Begum."

And this elephant was big enough to trample on the ant to its death.

Yet, there was a tiny part of her which saw wisdom in the older woman's words. What if- what if Jalal did have a heart? What if this Rajvanshi queen was worth more than a notch on his bedpost? What if this queen was indeed a threat to be taken seriously?

"My mother once told me, Begum Ruqaiya, there is nothing worth fearing than a person who has nothing to gain and nothing to lose," Maham Anga warned. "You might consider Begum Jodha as a benign being but even she comes with a danger of her own."

She shook it off as she made to pull off her necklaces next. It was at that moment that she noticed Jalal from the side of her mirror, the man bearing a small smile.

It took him long enough to grace her with his presence like he always did.

When he was close enough, he buried his face into the junction which connected her neck to her shoulders, his nostrils taking in her scent. His strong arms held her close with his hands placed on her hips. His lips pressed against her pulse point, his need for her evident.

"And here I was thinking you'd be with your new bride," she let out a sigh, feigning a lack of interest.

Jalal seemed confused, his face now in a position where his nose tickled her neck.

"What do you mean? I always spend my first nights back in Agra with you, Ruqaiya Begum."

It was then she realized he was slightly inebriated and that discovery only served to fill her with glee. An angry Jalal was not good for whoever was unfortunate to be the target, an angry and drunk Jalal was a danger to an entire kingdom.

Ya Khuda, the way I can milk this to my benefit.

She snorted as she kept her distance from him, "I had believed you wanted a bit of change considering recent events."

She could not easily forget how he had kept her in the dark after all. But that was not the reason for her theatrics as she closely observed his reactions.

He waved that off with a shrug as if to say it was a one-off event. He attempted to close the distance between them but Ruqaiya backed up again.

"I am quite worn out today, Jalal, especially after the little drama your new bride put on today," she topped it off with a yawn, her legs making her way over to her bed.

"I thought-," Jalal gave a curt laugh. "You always looked forward to nights like this with me."

She always did. She did, even at this moment.

Ruqaiya shrugged this time, looking away at the moon, "If you are here because she wants nothing to do with you, then I must-."

"What do you mean?"

At that, Ruqaiya turned to gaze at Jalal.

"What do I mean, Jalal?" She asked, feigning innocence while on the inside she was fighting that smug grin which threatened to surface.

"That part about my reason for being here, repeat that," his anger was not even hidden from anyone - cold enough to freeze an entire landscape. This night was about to end on an interesting note.

"I had thought you wanted a change in pace, so I gave you space to spend your first night with your new bride," she replied with a shrug. "But you are here, so, I had believed-," then, she placed her hand against her lips as if shocked she had unintentionally revealed a secret. "Jodha Begum did not tell you?"

From Jalal's expression, Ruqaiya could tell that a storm was brewing and who was she to not strike the iron while it was hot?

"You'd not believe the things she said about you, the blatant disrespect. She told me that as long as I kept you away from her, she'd follow my every command," she said, twisting a few words and taking things out of context. "What type of woman would even-?"

And just exactly the way she had hoped it would go, Jalal now stormed out of her hojra, on the way to unleash his anger on a certain begum. It was after he left that Ruqaiya let out a series of snickers, her mission now complete.

She may not consider Jodha a threat anymore but she had to get back at the Rajput queen for for insulting the Mughal Empire. What better way than to unleash Jalal's spite and wounded ego on her?

Oh, this night of chaos was only starting for her and Ruqaiya was merely the one behind the scenes.

His legs took him down a path he knew almost as well as the back of his hands.

"You'd not believe the things she said about you, the blatant disrespect."

"She told me that as long as I kept you away from her, she'd follow my every command."

The more those words replayed, the more his rage threatened to boil over. The fact that she even had the temerity to say those words to anyone, especially Ruqaiya Begum.

Those words- why did they sting the way they did?

He refused to dwell on that as he came face to face with the two khwaja siras who stood guard at her hojra. Wordlessly, they made way to let him in.

As soon as he got in, his ears picked up hushed whispers, conversation between the woman who had managed to rouse his anger to this level and her bandhi.

"Do you...the Jashn...not end well."

Well, whoever said that had made the most accurate prediction because this night was not about to end well for her mistress.

He made his way in where he was visible to the bandhis who stopped their activities as they paid their respects.

Jodha stared at him, her eyes wide with puzzlement at his presence. That alone was damning proof of what Ruqaiya had told him.

"Takhliya," he commanded, his voice barely a whisper.

Without any hesitation, the women all scurried away, leaving just the two of them in the hojra.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, her stance now in a standing position.

"What?" He sneered, "I do have the right to visit my wife in her chambers, don't I?"

Jodha seemed to understand that whatever was about to go down was serious. With that knowledge, she immediately walked over to her bed, her hand pulling on a string which let down the pardah.

A mocking expression lit up his face as he advanced on her. His hands grabbed on the pardah, the fabric making a ripping sound as he tore the thin material apart.

If she thought this flimsy veil was going to protect her from him, then she had no idea what kind of man he was.

When she saw that pulling down the pardah was a foolish endeavor, she made a quick work of pulling her dupatta over her face - a wise decision on her part as the sight of her face only served to make him even angrier than he needed to be.

"Your arrogance knows no bounds," he hissed as he stared her down.

There was little to no hint of fear on her face as she held her head high.

"Is it not too late for the emperor to be drunk?" She shot back, making whatever lid he had on his anger nonexistent as his right hand shot out.

It was so fast that she had little time to dodge him, his hand wrapped around her throat with a grip so strong that with a little more pressure, she'd be as good as gone.

A weak squeal escaped her as she struggled against him and her ghoonghat fell off in the attempt. Her nails scratched at his hand which made him slam her against the wall. She let out a whimper from the pain.

"How dare you?" He spat, his free hand gripping her other hand which had glass bangles around it. Tears pricked from her eyes, and it took him a moment of looking down for him to realize he had broken some of her bangles, the broken glass digging into her skin and causing some drops of blood to trickle down her lower arm.

Good, he thought sadistically.

"You seem to forget who I am and what I am capable of, Jodha Begum," he chuckled sardonically, his grip on her neck tighter. "But allow me to refresh your memories for a bit. I may have forgiven your drawing out a dagger at me, I could tolerate your blatant disregard for the Mughal Sultanate but you disrespecting me in front of my begums, especially my khaas begum? I will not take that."

She continued to struggle against him, like the stubborn spiky rose she was. The more she struggled, the stronger his grip on her wrist which broke more of her bangles.

The tears which had only built up in the corner of her eyes now rolled down her cheeks and, ya Allah, never had he seen something as beautiful as what stood before him.

But his work here was barely beginning, not until he did what he did best - leaving destruction, both physically and emotionally.

"Amer," was all he said and her eyes widened in fear and he grinned like the monster she had thought him to be. "All I can do is walk back in with my men, Jodha Begum, raze it down to the ground until there is nothing left of it, and it will be all because of you. Your family? I would bring them out, have them submitted to the worst torture and have you watch. I can take everything away from you, even the people you love the most."

Now, she stopped struggling as she frantically shook her head. Of course, she loved her homeland and her family more than she loved him. She did not even love him, and that knowledge drove the knife even deeper.

So, what if she did not love him? She was nothing to him, only a war trophy, something to be showcased as he bragged about his exploits to the whole of Hindustan.

"You hate me right?" Even behind her tears was a little spark which confirmed his rhetorical question and fueled his spite. "Fine, I hate you too even more than you hate me. In fact, the only reason why you are here is because you are nothing more than a wild exotic bird and once I finally clip those wings, Jodha Begum, you'll be as useless as a broken bird."

And that drove the final nail into the coffin, and he released her. She stood there, numb and mute, just the way he intended. He grinned again at his good work.

"Khuda Hafiz, Jodha Begum," he saluted with a chuckle before making his way out.

closing notes: after reading lkdaswani's Fitoori (in fact, chapter 10 was my inspiration for this chapter!) and rewatching episodes 39/40, the entire scene where Ruqaiya goes to Jodha's chambers was amusing to me. first, you have Ruqaiya going on about how she's Jalal's special queen and how she controls his mind and yada yada while Jodha is staring at her like "are you done yapping or-?" (sorry, I'm so Gen Z at this point 😂😂😂).

then, secondly, Ruqaiya has always shown her jealousy and insecurity from the get-go. in the serial, it is implied that no one in Agra knew Jalal was bringing in a new bride until he was a few kilometres away, not even Ruqaiya whom he'd tell everything to.

now, if Ruqaiya was so sure and secure of her standing, why would she do all that with Jodha whom she claims is no one special? unless she knows that Jodha might be someone special to Jalal (who seems to entertain her antics). and there's the fact that she felt the need to instigate Jalal against Jodha as well. that is something an insecure person would do. these are just my two cents anyway.

Another beautiful episode by you!!! As Maham says, hate resides in the same heart where love resides and there's always a possibility of the line of hate and love dissolve to form a new bond, it's happening with Jalal at least! Ruqaiyya is too dumb to ignore the lines, she's not looking at between the lines of Jodha!! That she's someone who dared to challenge her husband to win over her!! To touch her!

She's a friend of Jalal yet she doesn't understand that Jalal loves challenge and here Jodha is challenging him fully.

Originally posted by: AninditaB

Another beautiful episode by you!!! As Maham says, hate resides in the same heart where love resides and there's always a possibility of the line of hate and love dissolve to form a new bond, it's happening with Jalal at least! Ruqaiyya is too dumb to ignore the lines, she's not looking at between the lines of Jodha!! That she's someone who dared to challenge her husband to win over her!! To touch her!

She's a friend of Jalal yet she doesn't understand that Jalal loves challenge and here Jodha is challenging him fully.

thanks again! I appreciate your comment! absolutely. you would expect that being a person who has known Jalal right from childhood and the only begum who is very close to him, Ruqs would realize that Jodha is more than just another begum to Jalal. this is a man who entertains her antics because it challenges him and he, in fact, lives for the challenge as someone who was raised on the battlefront. it is also crazy to me how Ruqs claims Jodha is no threat when she also plots with Maham Anga to get rid of her.