Hi Arpita,
I spent the better part of today reading this story of yours and I just could not stay away from it! You have woven a story that is flawed, human and yet, incredibly beautiful. I understand that at this juncture in the story, the word beautiful might be controversial to use, but I started reading this story with an overall black or white thinking, but right now, as I am putting into words how I am feeling after reading this story in one go, I have to say that I can understand Arnav. Not condone him, but understand him. And believe me, I have always been a person to whom loyalty has been everything, and so this notion is very surprising to me, and unsettling as well.
Pardon me, this is going to be a long rambling post but I need to get my thoughts in order, and writing them out really helps with that. So yes, the word beautiful. I guess I am attributing that to your storytelling and the way you weave your words than anything else. I am generally not a fan of time skip stories because my anxiety-ridden brain does not enjoy keeping track of the order of the events and I have a major fear of missing out too, but I think that is an absolutely genius move for a story of this kind. I love how you pick out fitting scenes from the past that complement the present. This does not let you be biased against any of the characters. Well, mainly Arnav, because so far majority of the story has been from his point of view, describing the kind of person he is and the kind of life he has led so far, and what he is capable of.
I will talk about Arnav, but I want to talk about Khushi first, mainly because most of the story so far has shown us Khushi from Arnav’s point of view. The fact that I think Khushi is a simple, elegant, wise, breathtaking human being with an incredible capacity to give, is just a testament to exactly what Arnav thinks about her. Arnav knows that he would not have made it without her. Which is exactly why his first proclamation of love to her was when he truly accepted that Khushi was happy with him despite living in the conditions that he viewed as his personal shortcomings. Even in the last few chapters when Arnav is wracked with guilt over what he really did to Khushi and their marriage, he never once blames her. He blames everyone: their village, Lavanya and Manali, most of all himself but never Khushi. He does not even resent Khushi for what can be perceived as moving on too quickly after they filed for divorce. Yes, he is annoyed that Khushi cannot take a stand against their parents and that she was so self sacrificial that she would give up anything to make her parents happy, but he does not blame Khushi for it.
His thoughts:
“The next fit of rage drove his clenched fist to collide with the rigid wall next to him. Lavanya, Manali, Shyam, and entirety of Uma Nagar, he could personally throw all of these people into the fiery pits of hell and then take a plunge into the depths himself.”
Khushi remains as the one thing in his life that has been untouched by negativity, almost pious. She fell into his life like a stroke of luck. The exact kind of partner who would have weathered the life of struggle and supported him as he tried to get out of it. And what more, bring joy into his life while he was struggling.
No, I do not believe he never loved her. On the contrary, I think he loved her too much, almost worshipped her, and that coupled with his inability to make her happy or keep her happy pushed him to do what he did. He felt unworthy of her. And so he became. It’s the most obvious form of self-sabotage.
Arnav has spent majority of life in struggle, burning both of ends of the candle. That kind of life, leaves scars. Scars of always wanting to fix something, always wanting the struggle even if things are good. It is hard for such people to “not be struggling” at any point of time because that is not their natural state. I think something similar happened to Arnav. His life of money was taking him away from Khushi, and he realized that Khushi does not enjoy the kind of life he was leading. He could not even fulfill the one wish she has asked of him in years and this inadequacy is what Arnav cannot deal with. I believe thats what leads him to Lavanya. And look at the choice of partner he cheats with right? He neither respects Lavanya, nor loves her. He is aware of her immorality and yet he chooses that woman to cheat on his wife with? I think he already felt immoral and inadequate long before he even entertained the idea of Lavanya. Lavanya just helped him make it into a reality. Helped him justify that he was not worth Khushi.
Another thing that I noticed is how Arnav has absolutely zero emotional range to deal with any kind of loss. He does not dwell on, take a day to feel loss, but he just jumps on how best to fix it. And although, that is exactly what makes him so successful, it makes him unable to grieve properly. He dedicated most of his life to paying off loans for his father/sister at the cost of his comfort. And yet to hear from your own father that he didn’t do enough, or that he abandoned them… I cannot imagine how devastated he must be, but he just does not deal with it. A part of him must have felt some resentment for his parents then? But no, he just stays away, does not talk about it and does not deal with it. He does not even tell Khushi why exactly her frequent trips to Lucknow bother him so much. Yes, it is the push for the child by his family in Lucknow, their backward thinking, and something more that bothers him, but I think more than anything else it is the implicit choice that Khushi made of being more in Lucknow than with him that makes him believe that *even* Khushi must think his father is right. Khushi stood by him through thick and thin, but to him when the choice came between him and the “elders of the family” Khushi’s traditional nature invariably did not choose him. And that hurt! That is why he probably felt “suffocated” in domesticity. It was not the things that were said, but the things and feelings that were never said!
Which brings me to Khushi. The last chapter physically hurt me. Your words were so potent that I could actually *be* Khushi for a bit. Imagined myself in a place of a woman-child who made a man her god, her world. Who was so selfless that she never really expected much but the bare minimum. Who could compromise if her Arnav needed it a thousand times over. Who could probably just jump off a cliff if Arnav told her to. To be betrayed in such a fashion by that man? And to find out in such cruel manner must devastate anyone, but more than anyone: a pure soul like Khushi. Must make one person question everything in their life. Take away their sense of self. And that is exactly what happened with her.
And the most ironical thing of all is the exact qualities of Khushi that helped Arnav make a name for himself: her generosity, her selflessness, her easygoing nature, her zero “personal” expectations, are the qualities that pushed her away from Arnav once he made it big. I can marvel at the irony of it all, but it just makes me incredibly sad for them. Sad to see them grow as individuals but grow apart from each other.
I think we will see more of Khushi in the upcoming chapters, but when Khushi was first faced with going with Arnav to an office party she called Payal to help her groom. She was strong enough to face her insecurities and want to move with Arnav. But somewhere down the line she let her insecurities get better of her. The story mentions words like “Dehati”, villager etc for Khushi which does not make it hard to imagine she must have completely withdrawn from these kind of people after having seen their double standards and their cruelty up close. Possibly the high society’s cruelty further helped her enshrine her village, her family back home, the life she used to remember as a kid, basically her comfort zone. But I wish she had confided in Arnav. I wish she had not worshipped him as a God, and treated him as an equal. Because if she had done that, bared herself to be “human” in Arnav’s eyes then they both could have addressed their short comings together.
However, having said that, I do realize that it is incredibly easy to see all this as a third person, but hard to understand and accept when you’re living it.
Arpita, you have woven real, breathing characters that are flawed even in their supposed perfection, and absolutely perfect in their flaws. Thank you so much for sharing your words with us. It makes you appreciate the grey in life, makes you understand that people are messed up, and sometimes being too good is exactly what leads you to heartbreak.
I look forward to Arnav’s redemption, understanding where he went wrong, making it up to her, regardless of whether she forgives or not. I look forward to Khushi’s growth. To understand and accept herself and build an identity for herself outside of being Khushi Singh Raizada! Khushi is facing what looks like an insurmountable heartbreak, but I am sure a woman of her caliber and grace will only emerge out of it a diamond.
Awaiting the next chapter like a person who cannot look away from a road accident!
comment:
p_commentcount