Anupama (and Sridevi in English Vinglish)

Ok...

Disclaimer: This is a really long post about certain things I have been thinking when I started this series. Toady I thought I would finally pen down my thoughts...

So.. let's begin.

I have problem with Anupama (at least the one in the beginning) as a parent. Yes, everyone have discussed it a billion times that Anupama and Vanraj were not good parents..

But Anupama always makes me feel unrealistic.

I even had somewhat similar problem with  Sridevi in English Vinglish

Mothers, at least from all the mothers I have seen in my life, are more open with their children. There is this freedom they feel towards their kids and vise-versa.

Anupama always hides the fact that she got hurt by her kids  and keeps it a secret from her kids. Which always felt weird to me. She never communicates with her kids.

Sridevi in English Vinglish also had this. If she felt that her daughter was not valuing her, she should have been more open about that.

For Example: If my mother was the one who was in that situation she would say the following:

1. "Well.. yes.. I am not that educated as you.... that is the point of it right?... We parents want to you to have much brighter future than us.. I don't want you to become like me..So we are giving you the best we can provide.."

2. "If you are so embarrassed to take me to your school because I can not speak English.. then Why don't you teach me?.. Or do you want everything served in spoon for you.. If you want .. you should help me.. the same way I always helped you when you didn't know anything.... But If you can't find it in yourself the energy to help me then do not waste it in criticizing also.. You do not have the right to do so "

3. "Yes.. I am sure all your friends' mothers are well educated and are working.. are super stylish  can speak fluent English... But then let's make a deal.. If you can compare me with other mothers, then  I can compare you with other students who are better than you.. After all lets be fair"

4. "I am not perfect.. neither are you.. If I have certain weakness then I also have certain strengths.. Just like everybody. Do you think you are perfect? "

There can be many many things which she can say to me.. but the point is, my mother would be open about her feelings. And she always says that.. "Well.. I really don't care if you feel hurt by my words... It is better you hear it from me rather than from outsiders.... After all  you are my kids... There is no way that relation would change just because I was trying to disciple you.. And even if you misunderstand my intentions.... I'll understand that there is something lacking in my upbringing that you could not understand the love behind the disciplining.. But I'll never stop trying though... How can I give up on you guys?"

Yes, My mother is the sassy kind of mother and not all mothers are that kind(All those lucky kids.. you have no idea, what is it to have a savage mom).

But Her sass is not the point,  she could still say these things without a hint of sarcasm but still get the point across. She could still say her daughter where she was wrong and if there is a problem she could even suggest a way to solve the problem together

Not just my mother, I have seen many women who have been so oppressed by their husbands or their family... but they always felt that they had freedom on their kids. They could tell them anything.. their fears, their small small wishes.. Basically They could be themselves with full freedom in front of the children (who after all are also a part of her).

Anupama may cower in front of Vanraj and Baa.. but she still could have been herself in front of Toshu, Samar and Pakhi.

And she got hurt way too easily in her earlier episodes. She never told her kids why she was getting hurt. Yep.. if the kids did not show much interest.. then also.. she should have taken the initiative to approach them. Like When Pakhi did not want to take her to the function she should have asked Pakhi the reason.

When Toshu did not share with her about his girlfriend she should have asked the reason he felt hesitant to tell her.

When Samar did not want to study further and wanted to concentrate on dance, then she should have talked to him, prepare him for the world and tell him about the hardships he could face. If he was still undeterred, then should also motivate him.

She should have tried to understand her kids.. why they felt distant towards her.

Just a story to make you understand why parents should try to understand their kids.

So when we were kids, My brother and I were huge Harry Potter fans.. we used to read Harry potter  books and see movies whenever we could. To my parents, We were wasting time. They did not understand what we found appealing in those movies with weird creatures.. In fact.. if we ever did something that was extremely bad.. my would quote, "All because of your Harry potter and other movies.. they are so evil.. all these things... they destroy the innocence of kids...they are trash.." etc.etc,

Then last year during the Lockdown, My mom saw all the 8 HP movies with me. And she was hooked. She later said that these stories had nice message and she misunderstood.... etc..(by now she have completed Interstellar, Prestige, Godfather, Inception,Coco, Chinese drama Go Ahead.. and many more) So now We have a deal... every weekend, she will watch something(anime, Hollywood, k/j/c- Drama ) of our choice with us.. while we will also see something which according to her is great with her.  This way every weekend we (Mom, Bro and Me) are enjoying each others POV and their tastes. We later have huge discussions over characters and story during the tea time. (My Dad promptly opted out as he did not find the whole subtitle situation entertaining.. as it distracts him from the screen when he is busy reading.. But we all had Music as our base ground with dad.. so we let him escape)

So Like we found Movies as a base ground with our mother,  Anupama should have tried to make a family time with her kids.. should have never stopped herself from reaching them.. . Together they could have found the common ground where they could have understood each other.

Anupama, (and Sridevi in English Vinglish) stopped reaching out to their kids.. That turned out more destructive to the kids than them as they have been unable to differentiate between friendly mother and taking for granted mother. They are really unprepared to face the world, All 3 of them at a sign of danger they do not feel safe. Because they can not feel safe with anyone.  If they knew no matter what, they had their mother with them, they would feel more safe. If they already were free enough to tell anything to their mother, they would have been more secure as they know that at least one person knew them for who they are and still cared for them.

Again I am using the word 'Communicate' which indicate that she should do both listening and talking.. Communication should be a 2-way route.

Here, I find it weird that, All her care is shown only during the cold coffee,black coffee, burger etc. Yes, That is also important but that should not have stopped her from communicating with her kids..

Yes, these points are applicable to both the parents, but I really don't want to discuss the Ravanraaj's mistakes.. this post is already long enough..

What do you guys think?

Excellent post by you, dear! 👏 Thank you so much for this post! 🤗

I’m a mother of 5 yo son and your post educated me on how I should communicate better with my son! 👍🏼

To answer in short, the one difference is the other elder's interference in mother and kids relationship.

Anupama never had the freedom of even rebuking her children. Whenever she would want to tell them how she felt, she would be belittled by baa or vanraj right in front of her kids. This is a really dangerous precedence that gets set and kids stop valuing mothers thinking aapko aata hi kya hai!!!

Anupama never stopped reaching out to her kids, she tried to catch up to their ways, but once its engraved in a kid's mind that his/her mother is an illiterate fool, then god help them! Only time teaches them the lesson and realize their mistake.

Both in English Vinglish and Anupama, mothers are ridiculed and belittled by elders who are kids' role models who they look up to. So they think its okay to do the same and are protected by the same people when their mothers try to rebuke them.

So if anything is missing is not the communication with children rather its communication with other elders to stop interfering in her and her children's relationship.

Unfortunately some women are nor able to gather courage to back answers in laws or husbands and that is the root cause. 

Originally posted by: sillibilli

To answer in short, the one difference is the other elder's interference in mother and kids relationship.

Anupama never had the freedom of even rebuking her children. Whenever she would want to tell them how she felt, she would be belittled by baa or vanraj right in front of her kids. This is a really dangerous precedence that gets set and kids stop valuing mothers thinking aapko aata hi kya hai!!!

Anupama never stopped reaching out to her kids, she tried to catch up to their ways, but once its engraved in a kid's mind that his/her mother is an illiterate fool, then god help them! Only time teaches them the lesson and realize their mistake.

Both in English Vinglish and Anupama, mothers are ridiculed and belittled by elders who are kids' role models who they look up to. So they think its okay to do the same and are protected by the same people when their mothers try to rebuke them.

So if anything is missing is not the communication with children rather its communication with other elders to stop interfering in her and her children's relationship.

Unfortunately some women are nor able to gather courage to back answers in laws or husbands and that is the root cause. 

True... 100% true.. regarding Anupama But I doubt this was the same case with Sridevi in English Vinglish. I think her relation with her mother in law and husband was really normal. It was only the husband's careless attitude and over casual remarks and mean nature jokes.

But this is to discuss Anupama...

Yes, Baa's meddling is mostly the cause of 90% problems. Anupama's relation with Vanraj and her kids were mostly affected by her constant need to taunt and criticize the DIL that she never wanted.

I wonder if she will ever realize her evil deeds and repent like Aurengzed was said to done on his death bed(Never knew if it is a historically proven fact or not)

I took a long time to answer this because I was thinking of real life examples of such cases. I actually did not find a MIL who hates her timid DIL this much at least till now. Well,  there have been fights between MILs and DILs. But they are just that, fights, disagreements. No MIL, I know, actively hated the DIL.

My Dadi and Chachi used to fight but even then my Dadi never used to bad mouth her at all. She had other things to do other than  drag a fight. Then the next day it would look like the fight never happened. But they were friendly and used to love cooking together a lot. That is normal. You fight, but you also forget. You want a peaceful atmosphere. And mostly you don't want kids to grow up in an environment where there are lot of fights.

Here, Leela actively hated the DIL she never wanted. Even though she turned out to be a meek and soft-natured basically a good human being, Leela continued to treat the DIL she never wanted as trash, in front of her kids. And Vanraj also never supported his wife. Baapuji also did not do anything much.(Contributing to 210% of problems in house by being a meek spectator) He was in charge of the house at least when Anupama came, he should have restricted his wife from literally spewing venom at the DIL she never wanted. And Anupama being a teen(17-18) when she was wedded would be really scared and when your MIL literally just hates you for existing, you tend to try to please her as much as you can from day one.

But what I don't understand is why don't the kids feel like protecting or supporting their mother. My mother (sorry, again) Used always wage war with her chachi whenever she saw her mother being taunted or scolded unnecessarily by her chachi. Even when my grandmother used to scold her for supporting her (hence, disturbing peace in the family), My mother still continued to fight with her chachi. She couldn't see her mother in pain. Similarly, I have seen many children supporting their mother if they saw the mothers were getting ill-treated.I have yet to come across a child who is totally ignorant about their mother's pain. 

There are many cases of children being their mother's support system when the mother can not express herself properly.. but I feel These kind of kids who actively insult their parents are somewhat less.. at least from what I have seen...

Really Baapuji is the main one to blame here because for a long time he had power. he should not have let the toxicity grow this much out of control. Even if Anupama would have tried to reason with Baa, you can all imagine Vanraj shouting, "Baa se iss tarah baat karne ki tumhari himmat kaise hui? issi waqt nikal jao mere ghar se.." A 18 year old kid would become a doormat in that situation.  So, the communication with the elders would not have worked much.  Baapuji should have disciplined his son for treating his wife as trash and his wife for spewing venom in her own household.

Hi Uma,

I totally agree with you..

1. If Anupama can find a way and cook food at terrace around 4am hiding from Baa and Vanraj for Pakhi’s stall against Pakhi’s wish to make her win competition then it shouldn’t be difficult for her to find a way to discipline her children.. 

2. If there is a will, there’s a way.. 

I have always seen anupama going beyond the limits to make her children happy, like winning the competitions or getting  an expensive engagement ring etc but I have never seen her showing such enthusiasm in correcting her children.. 

3. Har baat pe.. Maa Maa.. Anupama mein bhi Maa hai.. jaisi lambhi bhashan se no one becomes good mother..  It’s ok if your children gets hurt when you are correcting them but Correcting them is very important than keeping them always happy by covering their bad behaviour ..

4. I don’t buy the reason that Baa and Vanraj ki wajeh se, she couldn’t correct Toshu or Pakhi cos she scolds Samar and corrects him at unnecessary situations( though selectively) .. when she can discipline Samar why not Toshu and Pakhi?

Don’t tell me, Samar listens to her so she disciplines him cos it’s not about valuing her words.. Anupama never made an effort to correct Toshu and Pakhi in the first place.. 

5. In any relationship, it’s not the ‘love’ that is important but ‘ Mutual Respect” 

Mutual respect between couples 

Mutual respect between parents and kids 

and then comes affection.. 

Shah Parivar’s upbringing is worst.. 

We can’t blame one single person here but I blame Anupama more cos none of them give bhashan’s like Anupama (Mai Maa hoon, kind of ) ..  She is not a good mother for sure.. 

But the Worst Parenting Award Goes to “Bapuji”