Love, Actually- Asfi-Zubi - Page 5

# 5

Sometimes we build walls of lying words and pave roads with shards of broken and hurtful words and think we are safe and unapproachable. Words may lie but the body always speaks the truth.

Asfandyar was expecting coldness, silence and if he was very, very lucky a few angry words. He only intended that she should not get out of the car in the night . Fully prepared for rudeness and hurt and arguments and anything dished out to him. Whatever it was, he wasn't prepared for her to lift her hand and slowly brush it under his eye, first one and another and feel the residual wetness. He didn't understand what she intended to do but he was transfixed, unable to move. She seemed to stop for a few seconds to consider his tears. He was afraid to break the moment or to even ask for any explanation. What happened next shocked him to the core. Her soft little hands just went up , held his head and pulled it down to her shoulder. He understood then that she was trying to offer him comfort . He held himself back a little stiffly because he couldn't believe this was happening and also because he didn't trust himself this close to her. But then her small hand went and patted his hair, rifling a bit through its thickness and a great peace descended upon him. He relaxed as her small hand light and delicate rhythmically soothed him as one would a baby.

Love and gratitude threatened to overwhelm him. What was this woman? How could she be so giving, so accepting? How could he deserve a woman so kind so loving that even in the midst of her own misery she could find compassion for his suffering? He just felt so grateful to have known her, to have loved her and been loved back in return. The familiar words of a long forgotten song

"For here you are standing there loving me

Whether or not you should

So somewhere in my youth or childhood

I must have done something good

He closed his eyes and breathed in her proximity. She had delicate shoulders and he could feel her fine collarbone underneath. The curve of her neck, the skin bare; escaped tendrils of hair tantalizingly close, her heart beat slightly discernible, her hand in his hairhis mind quickly became a mess. The temptation to completely give in to the moment was great. Should he? Maybe just turn his head so he could be closer to her neck? Put his arm around her? What was she thinking? What was she seeing? Could she feel his heartbeat which was thudding loudly in his ear now? Whereas a few minutes ago he was overwhelmed with sadness, he now felt glad, totally alive. This night was so beautiful. He understood that right now Zubiya was not reacting to him physically but as one would to someone they felt sorry for. He decided he couldn't drive this particular moment and had to follow her lead.

So be it my love, I can wait for you.

So Asfandyar, with a desperate need to just cling to her tightly, his entire face flushed, passions inflamed and incredibly turned on, held himself aloof, hands away, aware of her body, totally uncomfortable in the strange position, his back hurting, but wouldn't have moved an inch, wouldn't have felt more at home and at peace anywhere in the world.

Zubiya was feeling so sorry for hurting this beautiful man. All the hurt that she felt at her past, everything paled when she considered how she hurt him. She had felt guilty about hurting her dad with her indiscretion with Rameez but other than that she hadn't purposely hurt anyone. Except Asfandyar. How could she tell him that she had been momentarily infatuated with him? She remembered how he had gone pale when she had said that. She hated herself for torturing him like that. It was like cutting a part of yourself off. How could she assuage that pain? How could she stop him hurting? All she had thought about how to prepare him to hate her so she could leave here. She hadn't thought how hurt he would be. She could live with her own hurt but not with him hurting because of her.

She sighed. There was so much wrong with her life but being here with her fingers entangled in his hair felt right. She sighed and tilted her head so now he was truly held by her. All at once, Asfi raised his head and both of them looked at each other. She realized at once that she had crossed a threshold. Her face suffused with color and her skin started burning as she realised what she had done. She looked at him and her gaze dropped. She hurriedly removed her hand from his hair. Little good did that do because they were already too close for comfort. She tried to straighten herself and shrink back into the seat to restrict physical contact. Watching each of her expressions, Asfandyar started smiling and then laughed out huskily. He wasn't going to make this easy for her yet. He half whispered to her

"Dr Zubiya, you sure know how to light a fire, but you don't know how to put out one.

As she still refused to look up and kept trying to shrink back into her seat, he decided to put her out of her misery. Reluctantly, he straightened up. And immediately wanted to be back where he was. But he didn't want to push her, in any way. There was still so much baggage she had he wasn't sure what could ruin whatever few good moments he had with her.

He sat back in his seat, sprawled back and tried to get his breathing right. He was too aroused and needed to get out of her presence, if he were to regain control of himself. She was still looking down and he could see how agitated her breathing was. He watched her for a few moments and drew a shuddering breath. We have to stop this now, he thought. I have to stop this now and he closed his eyes. He opened the car door and looked back at her. She was watching him through her lashes and he smiled at her. A very hesitating smile back. He got out and leaned against the door. The cool wind helped clear his mind and he walked a few steps, fighting to get back in control. Somehow everything that he had been obsessing over seemed so far away, all that was important was how good it had felt to be so close to her physically. He glanced back, she was still there watching him intently, her beautiful eyes wide awake but completely absorbed in him, radiating love. It felt good to be watched by her, as if there was completeness in being the focus of her attention. He knew he wanted to spend all his time being the focus of all her attention. He didn't want anyone or anything on her mind, except him. He felt happy, like a boy falling in love for the first time. He smiled at himself and then looked back. He felt intoxicated, as if she was running wild in his blood.

Just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him.

He drew his coat around himself hugged himself tight, raised his face to the night, grateful for this night. Forever grateful. And then the gods of the night decided to add to his blessings because a small hand slipped itself inside his hand and Zubiya stood before him, shy, hesitating a bit, a little scared, but there, because she was unable to stay away. He held her hand and brought it to lips to kiss it. Then pulled her forward into his arms where she unerringly went and held him with as much strength, determination and love as he held her. He gently brought his coat lapels around her and they fit like parts of a puzzle together.

This night wasn't so bad after all.