Love, Actually- Asfi-Zubi - Page 13

Now that Asfand looked back at the past, he realized theirs had been a choppy relationship. There had been an awareness, certainly from his side, and maybe Zubiya had felt it too. But Zubiya was so used to stamping out all her emotions that it was hard to know whether it even reached her awareness. Several times when he felt she was disinterested in him personally, he would just blow his top off with her on some professional pretext, hoping to make her react. Which she never would- always the calm indifference in place. That had become a pattern, him getting angry, she retreating further in to her own self and then the long wait for the relationship to come back to an even keel. Of course he hadn't realized how insecure he was until the morning he found her talking and smiling with Dr H, jealousy had been like a knife stuck in his heart. He had felt completely out of control and for almost the first time in his life he felt so inadequate over a girl. It was then he had decided that it was impossible to exist in this limbo and that he had to know one way or the other if this was going the right way. The truth was, he realized, he envied the easy camaraderie she had with Dr H and hated being ignored disinterestedly by her. He wanted to matter to her. And the completely crazy thing was that it was only when he changed his tactic from misbehaviour to concern, did he realize she was not immune to him. She had learnt to handle his misbehaviour with disinterested acceptance but could not handle his sudden care and attention and gave away more of her emotions, than she intended.

But if A had thought that the way was smooth after this, he was proved wrong time and again. The enormous secrets and guilts she carried in herself were huge roadblocks. It was as if underneath the quiet and reserved front she presented to the world, there was an ongoing storm, which threatened to overwhelm her. The only way she had found to deal with the burdens of her past was to completely cut herself off from her internal struggle and emotions.

Of course, marriage and the intimacy had changed many things, but he knew that there were still spaces in her life she did not completely allow him entry. He understood that the traumas of her past, were likely to rear their ugly heads some time or the other.

Just before his marriage, he had a conversation with his mother, who perceived far more than he actually told them about his relationship with Zubi. She had said

" All marriages require hard work son. In some marriages, the hard work occurs before the marriage itself, but in yours, son, despite the love both of you have for each other, there will still be times you may have to work hard at your marriage and sometimes you might feel that you are the only one working at it.

He had understood what she was implying, because he himself felt that too. There were still unresolved issues that Zubi had, which she kept locked up inside herself. But despite these sobering thoughts, he knew there was no other life he wanted except with her. As she did. Despite their different temperaments and the enormous gulf created by Zubiya's fears. They both felt that, knew that.

Insomnia, Caffein and Some Straight Talk

Asfand's story:

Did days and nights still exist? The sun came up and went down faithfully. Were there still distances, some things far away and some closer? Hard to say, when the only thing he could see in clear focus were two large dark eyes, rimmed by dark lashes. Hard to say, when all days and nights collapsed into just those times when she was right there, just there, and then everything else just paled away.

The days after marriage were the sweetest days of his life A thought. Now that she was there in his life, in his home, in his space, he gloried in that he had rights to her which nobody else had. That he belonged to her. But did she? Belong to him solely? Completely? Sometimes he would see her mask of a polite stranger back in place. It wouldn't last because he would gently tease her out of it. One night, he woke up and found her sitting on the cold ground, clutching her knees to herself, staring straight ahead at the wall unblinkingly. When he sat down next to her and spoke her name softly, she turned her head and took a moment to recognize him. Even as he tried to soothe her and clasp her, she held back,. The entire next day she was exceedingly reserved and somewhat distant. He knew it was futile to pry except to make sure she knew he was right there, waiting for her to come back to him.

Zubi's story:

Whenever anyone, Gaiti or Dr Asifa, laughingly asked her since when had she and Asfand been hiding their relationship, Zubi really had no answer. All she knew was that since the day she had come to the hospital, it was just him who filled most of her day and all of her mind. First in her fears of being rejected by him for her professional inadequacy. And then in her certainty of being rejected by him.

She had been so busy trying to harden herself against him that she was shocked that he actually cared about her. Of course, when she told her friends that she herself had come to know a few days back, no one believed her and laughed at her meaningfully. She just smiled along with them, but knew that even now after being married, at times, she couldn't believe that he loved her. He was as confident and spontaneous about letting the world know he loved her, as he had been when he had scolded her repeatedly in the beginning. She wondered if she also made her emotions as clear as he did? Of course, she didn't tell him scores of time a day that she loved him, not in so many words, but she hoped he understood by her actions. That she prioritized him over everything, that she listened to him and tried to anticipate his needs before he said anything, that she was always around him as much as possible. Not a person given to expressing herself emotionally, Zubiya found it very difficult to say anything really romantic. She reasoned that no one could miss noticing, how she came alive in his presence; he just had to walk into a room for her to stop noticing everyone else in the room. She spent days in the hospital, dimly aware of the presence and conversation of others, but completely aware of each word he said or the way he moved, or the way he looked at her. In fact, sometimes, she felt she must look like a lovelorn fool and would try to school herself into her reserved pose. He always knew her subterfuges and would sardonically lift his eyebrow, crashing her carefully built defense, when he found her feigning reserve. Oh yes, he knew her so well. Sometimes, she felt uncomfortable as he seemed to know her even better than she herself did.

Yet there were things that she could not talk to him about, ...her parents and her earlier life. That evening too, after dinner as her mother in law and father in law were discussing something in their loving and easy banter, she had suddenly recalled that in a few hours would be ten years since her mother had passed away.

She had waited for Asfi to sleep and carefully disengaging his arms from around her, had stumbled out to retch, wanting to get rid of the anger and pain lodged like a brick in her stomach. Later she had sat on the cold ground, hoping to cool her thoughts which kept going in circles. For a moment, looking at Asfand's concerned eyes she thought of letting it all out, but no, she could not be treacherous to their memories. When she thought of her parents deeply, she questioned the concept of marriage. It seemed meaningless. No these were not memories she could reveal to anyone.

...Their story...

The day was quite perfect since morning. Asfand had been grumbling about sleeping in late every morning and so she had purposely set the alarm clock early, pushed and cajoled him out of bed, evaded his attempts to pull her back into the bed and sent him, unwillingly, into the cold for his morning run. Smiling at his threats of retribution, she decided to get ready for work and cook something special for breakfast. The household was asleep for a little longer. She quickly chose a blush pink and blue outfit , feeling light and happy. As she emerged from her bath and dried her wet tresses with a towel, she heard the door open. Her husband back too early from his half hearted excursion, came in and smiled at her as if he had received his best gift of the day, as he wrapped his cold hands around her shower heated body, smelling in her soapy fresh talc smell, head buried in the curve of her neck, with her moist tresses cascading over him. She protested his cold hands, but not for very long. Tried to push him away. Before accepting that she would not cook any special breakfast that day at least.

And so, like every day, he slept till late. while she and Gaiti Bhabhi waited for him to appear dressed and ready, laughing at his embarrassed apologies for getting everyone late. In the rear view mirror, she met his eyes smiling in that coded language every married couple thinks they invented for themselves, but is the most primal form of communication amongst a man and a woman.

By mid- day, however, Dr Shehroze and Asfand suddenly received news that they had to go to Islamabad for a couple of days to coordinate with the import of new diagnostic machinery which had run into some technical glitches. They had managed to schedule an urgent meeting that very evening and needed to start immediately. He was with Dr Shehroze when she came in, just to spend a few free minutes with him. When he told her that he was going away to Islamabad and that too, immediately, her eager expression faded. He was with other doctors and there was no time to speak any personal words. She resolutely looked down after that and even when he informed her that Mama had packed for his trip, she remained polite and non-committal. Even in the middle of getting the import papers together and listening to Dr Shehroze, he kept glancing at her, but she looked serene and in control. This was the first time he was leaving her after they had been married, and how he wished he could speak to her for a minute alone but there was just no time and he hurriedly set out with Dr Shehroze. He looked back as she and Dr Asifa stood together and wondered if there was some reproach in her expression. Zubiya was so reserved at times, he knew that she found it difficult to express her emotions and kept everything hidden behind a calm expressionless faade. He felt a little kick of annoyance that she could be so undisturbed.

Zubiya didn't watch him go because, wasn't that usual with all married couples? Small trips, visits away from each other, work commitments, friends and other preoccupationsthese things happen all the time, nothing unusual; then why was she feeling a bit down? She quickly picked up the pending work, her patients she had to visit. Just as well he wasn't there, she could concentrate on the patients more if she didn't feel like running across to him all the time.

Z: (thinking) "Thank God, today I will have no opportunity to indulge myself like the weakling I have become. Maybe this is what I need. I need to go back to my strong unemotional self. All this is making me so weak.

The day dragged but was still better than the evening. At least in the hospital there were other people and their problems to deal with. At home everything reminded her of her husband. She bustled about in the kitchen, trying to do something useful with Lubna and Gaiti. But today of all the days, they seemed to have nothing to speak of except Asfi. Or maybe she needed her head examined because why would Lubna speaking about some random relative remind her of him and why would Gaiti exclaiming about Saim's naughtiness, also remind her of him. Oh God, how filmy it was all sounding, she scolded herself. " Stop it! What a weakling I am. Now I am going to focus only on people before me. "

Gaiti offered to have her sleep with her and Saim. As she stood undecided, Gaiti herself laughed and said "Let it be. You people might talk till late and I have to get up in time for Saim s school. In any case, I don't think I want to overhear your conversation.

Alone in her room, she loitered around and decided to clean up the room. At least, then she didn't check her mobile every second minute. She settled her closet, and scolded herself on how careless she was becoming.

Z: "I just don't seem to have any time to do regular things... what on earth am I always busy with, she wondered... probably thinking about Asfand...Oh no I just promised myself I wont think about him for ten minutes...and it isn't even 2 minutes yet. " She felt defeated by herself.

Z:"Where on earth is my self control? Where and when did I lose it? she groaned. "what a loser I have become. I am strong. I have survived by being unemotional all these years. I have to continue being strong...Why isn't he calling up? It is almost midnight. Surely he couldn't be sitting with Dr Shehroze even now? Or could he? .. Why am I behaving like this? I don't want to look a complete fool. I am sure it is fine for people not to speak for a night. It is definitely fine for me.

She recalled all those nights she had spent in the mess room all alone. And slept well. She was sure she would fall asleep. She silently made herself a coffee and waited for the caffein to kick in.

Then she resolutely picked up her mobile and locked it in the cupboard and watched the TV blankly... When she was on her third cup of coffee it was almost 4 am and all the cleaning their room would need for the next year was a fresh coat of paint, which unfortunately she didn't have or she might have even tried to paint the walls.

No sleep at least that night. Morning felt wretched, as the entire day stretched out in front of her. She was now getting slowly angry with him. An entire day and he hadn't even called once. On the way to the hospital, Gaiti received a call and passed her the mobile

G: here, speak to her. "

Z: (SILENT)

A: "Why is your mobile off?

Z: "Is it off? I didn't notice.

A: "That is SO irresponsible. And even worse, you couldn't call me even once?

Z: "You called me equal number of times.

A: "I did call you but your mobile was out of reach. Okay..let it go... wish me luck

Z: "good luck.

A: "You sound busy... call you later then.

Z: (hurriedly, urgently as he is about to disconnect) "When is...later? (very softly)

A: ( smiling). Yes, I missed you too. ( call disconnected)

As Gaiti took back the phone, she smiled at Zubiya,

G: " Is it me or do you seem the world's most unromantic bride? Don't you say anything romantic? Poor Asfi. "

G: looking seriously at Z with some pity: "Poor you.

Z: (thinking) How did he guess I missed him when I didn't say anything.

Dr Asifa however had spoken to her husband and knew that the meetings were successful and they were returning the next day.

Zubiya's heart sank, "Another night of insomnia? Of roaming around the house restlessly, another night of clearing out her closet and cleaning all the shoes? Another night of looking at the TV blankly? Another night of remembering? I don't think I can live through that. Might as well ask for night shift at the hospital.

She started feeling so depressed that Gaiti was quite concerned when she met her at the time of leaving for home.

Z: "Gaiti Bhabhi, I think I will ask for the night shift and come back to work tonight.

G: "No Zubiya, you don't look well to me. Come home. Why are you looking so exhausted?

Z: "I could not sleep last night. "

G: nodding understandingly: "Oh you should have come to me.

Z: " Being lonely is not such a big deal, Gaiti Bhabhi. I have been lonely since many years

G: looked at Zubiya very long and hard, "No Zubi, don't even wish loneliness for your self. You have been alone, because you chose a different kind of life. you don't know loneliness. That is a life sentence. And all that is left behind are memories.

G: after a few minutes silence,Zubi, don't let these days go by without expressing what you feel. You never know what life has planned for you. Unspoken words do not warm someone's heart when all they have left, are words. ...Look at me, all I have are Daniyal's words. He was always so open, generous and spontaneous about his feelings. Now I don't have anything except what he said to me. Zubiya no one is going to give you a medal of honor for being strong and silent now; but you will definitely make yourself poorer by hanging on to your silence. It is not weakness to express yourself; in fact only the strongest people express their emotions openly

Zubiya was listening very carefully and her heart wrung with sympathy for her sister in law. She quickly grasped Gaiti's hand and hugged her.

Z: " I will come and sleep with you and Saim tonight and you can tell me your stories about Daniyal bhai.

With Gaiti's words ringing in her ear, she rang up Asfand, but there was no response to her prolonged attempts. This time she did not let pride and her reserved nature dictate to her. She sms-ed him, " When will you be back? Call me. Soon. Please.

After dinner, she bathed, and took her favorite pillow to Gaiti s bed. And as she told a story to Siam, she thought she heard Asfand's voice. Really, she admonished herself, I need to get my hearing checked. Then with a shock she realized Saim and Gaiti had also heard him as Saim ran off the bed to greet him. Gaiti smiled mischievously at her.

As everyone congregated to welcome Asfand, surprised at his early arrival, she hung back at the door, the tiny trickle of happiness now becoming a torrent. As Saim explained that Zubiya was sleeping in his and Mama's room that day and was telling him a story, Asfand's eyes met hers. "No. don't you dare- his expression said. She smiled at him radiantly, eyes full of unshed tears.

As Gaiti and she busied in laying out his dinner, she felt herself smiling away, feeling shy and excited at the same time. She sat with the rest of the family as they all sat around Asfi and listened to his trip description. "I feel complete she thought. This is how I want the rest of my life to be like. Sitting with Asfand, Baba, Mama, Gaiti and Saim. Again her eyes filled with tears. As she ran off to the kitchen yet again to fetch something, Asfi was puzzled at her repeated disappearance act. His mother laughed, "She has been missing you all through out and it is only now that she is looking happy since yesterday.

Afterwards, as she cajoled Saim to let her go back to her room today with the promise of a big story and an ice cream treat on the weekend, Asfi sauntered in, watching them both with a smile as they negotiated the terms of her release. Finally, she hugged and kissed the child, scooped up her pet pillow and walked straight into her husband, who steadied her. Walking her to their room,

A: I was getting ready to battle both Saim and you to bring you back, but I didn't realise you are finally on my side.

Z: ( very softly) "But I have always been on your side. That is the only side I know " . Shyly, she reached out for his hand and brought it up to her lips.

A: " Hmm this is turning out to be a most interesting day. Are you sure you are the same Zubiya I left behind yesterday

Z: after a few second of serious consideration to his question..No. I am not the same person you left behind yesterday... looking up at him through her eyelashes, shyly.

A: "Well, well , well, I am shocked but very happy. And what do we owe thanks to this transformation for?

Z: "Leave that for now. First tell me why you came back today when you were to come tomorrow?

A: "Since, suddenly, we are being honest with each other today, thanks to you, let me tell you the truth. Its not everyday, your wife actually tells you she misses you. That is a big statement from her, as I have understood in the past few weeks. How could I not respond to her? Of course I had to come back today. I worked everything into a frenzy, made Dr Shehroze's life so miserable that he practically shooed me away. Hopefully the chips will fall into place since Dr S is still there for tomorrow. And I just concentrated on getting here ASAP.

Z: " Are you sure you are speaking about me, because I never said I missed you

A: " Oh Zubi, the fact that you wanted to know when I would be able to speak with you, when you wanted some certainty and were willing to wait, when you didn't want to leave everything to some randomness, or to me... from you that is a big declaration of dependence. What do I do? I have learnt to treasure these small crumbs

Z: " Just from my asking ...when is later--- you understood all this? That is quite amazing because then I am your exact opposite. I didn't even realise what I meant, let alone what you meant

A: "So is this frankness only till morning when the magic ends?

Z: "No, I hope.

A: And to what do we owe thanks?

Z: "Insomnia, some straight talk and ...missing you

A: "Well if loneliness does this to you, probably I have to travel away some more.

Z: "Shh placing her hand on his lips. "Help me. I am trying to change myself. As someone wise told me, being silent is not being brave. Help me tell you all my happy stories. And someday help me tell you a very sad story about my brave mother.

Zubiya carefully closed the door behind themselves. And pulled the curtains shut.

-------

Zubiya carefully closed the door behind themselves. And he pulled the curtains shut.

Ludo star ke time hamain nikal diya bahir! 😆😆😆

Jokes aside... I love you sooo much yar! I was experiencing serious YKS withdrawal! You write so beautifully. Whenever you post something I want it to go on and on and on and never end. These little snippets are our only connection to Asfiya world. Do not stop. Keep writing 😊