The moment she said " What love? Every momentary infatuation or attraction is not enough to lead to a marriage." was the only moment Dr. Asfandyar remembered of the entire day. The rest was a blur, a lightless fog in which he felt he was immobilized. He watched himself as if from a distance, working as an automaton, examining the gunshot victim, a young girl, he recognized from some earlier interaction in this hospital. As he looked at her pale bloodless face, the blood soaked clothes and her rapidly receding pulse, his training took over. He gave rapid instructions, tried to staunch the bleeding , with the nurses checking on her vital stats every minute. The operation theatre staff arrived to take her away and Dr Asfandyar stepped away to go prepare for the surgery. As he went, he barely registered the presence of the girl who had been standing at the far end of the room, watching him as he had fought hard to stop the bleeding Khajista from dying right there.
Zubiya's eyes were bright with unshed tears, as she watched the one and the only person in this world to whom she belonged, whose heart she had deliberately broken into a thousand pieces with a cruelty she could not fathom. In his cold brusqueness, she heard clearly his cry for help, his cry for her, the sound of a shattered heart. Not a pretty sound. She felt as if Khajista may have taken the bullet but it was she herself who was bleeding from some unseen wound near her heart.
Waves of remorse, and self hatred washed over her as he walked away never having even registered her presence. Dear God, what did I do? To the only man I had ever loved ? The person who was the center of this universe for me? The only person with whom she felt so right ? She knew this was a pain that would last her a lifetime but she was no stranger to pain.
For a split second she wanted to rush to him, just go and hold him to herself, just brave his anger, his coldness, his pain, just let him empty out the agony he must be undergoing. Just as her mother used to when she used to fly into a tantrum as a child, how she would hold her protesting arms and flailing body, clasping her baby to herself, absorbing her temper, as slowly her anger ebbed away and she peacefully snuggled into her mother's lap. Ammi, she whispered, Ammi. She felt as if her mother was next to her, and she wanted that welcoming clasp, the hug which took away all her troubles. Ammi, I have failed him, Ammi, she whispered. But I wont fail you again. There is that one thing I owe to you. Khajista's life will not be sacrificed. Somehow from somewhere deep within herself, she summoned up her strength and dragged herself off to find Khajista's mother in law and Rustom. For her mother's sake.
Later she sat with Khajista's mother in law and Rustom, as they waited near the OT. Zubiya, lost in her thoughts, waiting, waiting. She knew this was the last thing she had to do before she could leave this place forever. She glanced around at the familiar waiting area, the cold steel chairs, the distant trees and the cloud covered peaks visible through the windows. She closed her eyes and could almost breathe the cold crisp air, hear the noisy mountain river, feel the grass under her feet. And then, unbidden, came to her mind the image of two strong hands around her own as they held her and guided her and brought her to safe ground across a rickety old bridge over a gurgling river that sunny afternoon.
Hurriedly, she opened her eyes as the OT opened and Dr Shehroze, Dr Shahzad and Dr Asfandyar came out and Khajista's mother in law and Rustom rushed to them. She remained standing where she was, listening to them impassively as they said they had completed the surgery but nothing definite could be said for the next 48 hours as Kahjista was too critical and had lost a lot of blood. She was to remain in ICU. Zubiya stood while Dr Sheroze kindly explained everything to them and also included her in his glance because he knew how attached Zubiya had been to this young girl. The three surgeons then strode off together, but she could feel only one of them walking away from her, very far away.
to be continued...
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