Hello all,
I know that in IF we don't reveal personal information. But today I would like to share something with you that is deeply personal to me that, I have seen addressed on this show. And that is grief and how the 3 main characters deal with it. So here goes, on August 4, 2010 at 11:37 pm I lost my mother to breast cancer.
On the show we have seen both Arnav and Khushi deal with the grief of losing both parents in very different ways. Khushi deals with her grief in a very open way. She cries, becomes sad yet through it all, she seems happy most of the time. Arnav on the other hand, bottles up his grief and hides it like it's a precious gem stone. Yet, everyone sees it and is a victim to it.
Personally speaking, after losing my mother I went through my anger stage where everything made me angry; still does and I couldn't let go of her suffering and my grief, still can't. I wept alone and wept all the time and still do. I was so angry that I could punch a hole in the wall. So I get Arnav's anger, it's not hidden but bursts out all the time.
If you go to any psychologist and tell them that you're jumping between immense crying and a lot of pent up anger, they will tell you to let it all out. Well, I tried that and it helped. We see this in both Arnav and Khushi, their grief over losing a parent is raw. Khushi lives in a dream world, thinking that her parents are stars who look down on her and are always with her. I get that. When I first saw that, I thought that was such a juvenile way of showing how she processes the loss of 2 parents. But, now I get that. It's her wish that they are always with her, even if they aren't. In her head they are. And this is how she copes with the loss.
Arnav on the other hand, unlike Khushi, didn't find surrogate parents. I don't think he found that surrogacy in Anjali, his sister. He couldn't replace his parents with either his grandmother or his dumb aunt or uncle. When he's mad, he's ASR and when he's nice, he's Arnav but really speaking it is the same guy. He's not bipolar nor does he have a split personality.
I see a lot of myself in Arnav, you get angry. Sometimes in real life you can't lash out at other family members, because they too are going through the same grief, tears, anger and frustration. Why her? Why my mother?
Arnav is not devoid of emotion, neither do I think there is too much of it there. He's just wants to hold on to the anger. It's his comfort zone. But we have seen rare instances when he's just been sad and has almost come on the verge of tears. In real life, we process grief and the loss of a parent in drastically different ways. I think anger is a kind of grief and sometimes it can be destructive, as it has been in Arnav's case.
But in my case it festers and simmers and I never let it come out, because I don't want to lash out at my loved ones who are going through the same loss as me. Though, to tell you the truth it's hard to keep the anger inside because it hurts. But you don't want to hurt anyone who has shared in your immense loss. You know they are hurting, too.
Of course, then there is Anjali. She was an adult when she lost both parents unlike Arnav or Khushi. So, I identify the most with her. She is soft, nurturing and always (if you have noticed) looks to the men in her life for support. Hence the over-dependence on Shyam, who has given her that protection she must have received from her father and mother. She looks and bonds well with her grandmother who is a surrogate mother to her, while I don't think she is one to Arnav. I think Nani would like to provide a strong motherly influence to Arnav but he rejects her. I, for one have not seen the closeness Anjali shares with her grandmother between Arnav and his grandmother. Same goes for Anjali's aunt, she I think feels some closeness with her, but not at the level of closeness she feels for her grandmother.
The scene between Anjali and Khushi, when they talked like adults about their respective losses of their parents was something I could relate to. I won't go into the whole scene, but I will say that both women found a way to peacefully share their grief and tears. In the end their hug made them both feel good. Anjali almost sees herself an older sister to Khushi.
I struggle with the loss of my mother every damn day of my life. I say, oh it was her time to go, or she found release from her pain. But I am still angry. You're mad at the world, you're mad at yourself because you couldn't do more or that there were interferences from other people. Whatever you wanted to do before your parent died now seems trivial. Like Arnav's character, I totally get why he doesn't want to get close to anyone enough to marry them.
When you lose a parent it's your loss, a loss you can't and won't share. I'm sure there are other readers out there who are more than willing to share their grief. I'm not one of those. Losing a parent is damned personal and there is no way in hell you can share and let go of the pain with anyone. No one replaces them, which is what I think Arnav feels. Anjali to an extent, on her total reliance on her husband and brother has found a way to cope with her loss. When Shyam is there she lights up like a chandelier and when Arnav shuts himself off to her, the light goes out.
Khushi's character I think is the most complex. She's found surrogate parents but she still can't let go of her biological parents. How can she? So to her, they are the stars above her bed and in the sky, unreachable and untouchable.
Wish it was easy for some of us. I started watching this show to kill time. I learned from this show what I already knew. Grief is hard, life is hard; you take it one day at time. You take it one minute at time. You get through 1 day, you've won.
At the end of the day you live on your memories where it was just you and your mother. Good ones or bad ones. The memories sustain you and let you go on without her. Happy or sad, you just keep going.
In closing, I only want to say this, what these characters taught me is what I already knew. No matter how you process your grief you will find an outlet whether that is your religion, your faith, friends or work. If anyone has lost a parent in their life, I will only say to you one thing. Did you get through the day? Then you're good. It doesn't get easier with time, it only gets harder, but the harder it gets the more used to the pain you will be and if you got through today with anger, sadness where your emotions are out in the open like Arnav, Khushi or Angali, I'd say you did OK. If you've lost your parent/s I am truly sorry for your loss; trust me when I say, I get it. I really do get what you're going through. My deepest condolences to you and all whom you love dear IF readers and moderators. God bless all of you. Have courage.
KF
Anupamaa
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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