Main aisa kyun hoon - Armaan’s letter to Abhira

Abhira,

I hope this letter never finds you. I know that makes no sense but I am writing to you because you are the one person I believe I owe an explanation to. Not just because you are my wife or my responsibility but because an honest and forthright person like you deserves the complete truth. So then why do I not want you to read the letter? That’s because I hope to work up the courage to say all of this to your face someday soon. So why am I writing this letter then? Because I am overwhelmed by a mix of emotions and I need to vent.

Before I get to what I want to tell you, I want to go back to my past and share something about myself that might probably give you an insight into why I am the way I am. I am a bit like Abhimanyu, the warrior prince of the Pandavas. Sadly it is not his bravery I am talking about but the fact that he learnt some skills from his father while in his mother’s womb. I think I did too. Most couples come together in love and/ or lust. My parents most likely had another ingredient added to the mix, that of guilt. My father was guilty that somewhere he was letting his mother down and my mother probably felt she was the cause of his guilt. So yes, it was this potent guilt that I imbibed from them, the very moment I was conceived. Somewhere deep down, the guilt of my existence has remained, making me believe that I am the reason for Dadisa and my foster mother’s pain. My existence is a constant reminder of a pain that they so wish to forget but cannot in this lifetime. My existence is physical proof of a betrayal that has cut deep. To be honest, Dadisa has at times even made this clear, reinforcing the guilt that is my cross to bear. I am like the King Vikram and the guilt is my Betal that I simply can’t get off my back. I know you said I was nurturing my guilt but the truth is, it is part of my DNA. I don’t need to nurture it, it is so deeply ingrained in me that it is not likely to die before I do.

You saw how I broke down after Krish gifted me the shoes. I was overwhelmed, Abhira, that he was according me a position that I longed for but, I was somewhere not sure I deserved. How could I, a vessel of guilt and betrayal, be deserving of this love? I tried my best to work hard to make myself worthy in the eyes of Dadisa hoping that somewhere it would make her see me again more for myself and not just as a sign of betrayal. She probably tries to but somewhere the resentment gets the better of her at times. I willingly bear the pain because I truly believe that I am deserving of it.

Anyway, so coming back to our situation, I must tell you a truth that you deserved to know long ago. The moment I set eyes on Ruhi in Mussoorie, I was a besotted man. She was like this angel that had descended from heaven. Even better, her words that I first heard were about treasuring family bonds. I could not believe that I had found my dream mate, who was not just beautiful but also someone who would willingly share in my efforts to prioritise my family over all else . I know you may not like to hear all this but I think you must. You need to know it all before you decide what you want to do with it. By it, I am referring to this something that binds us together, and I am not referring to the legal papers that declare us husband and wife, but that which we have both struggled to give a name to. I think you have reached the point where you are ready to but I am still struggling. And no, it is not because of what Ruhi and I shared. Yes, so going back to that, Ruhi returned my feelings and we were looking to start a life together. It was around then that the fiasco with Yuvraj happened. You know all those details but I just want to say that Ruhi decided to marry my brother, not knowing he was that of course, believing that I had ghosted her. We came face to face again on the night of their engagement and Ruhi wanted the whole truth out before the family. After all the pain I had caused Dadisa and my foster mother, how could I shatter their happiness? I was already drowning in the guilt of my existence, how could I add this guilt to that? So I refused and somehow convinced Ruhi to marry Rohit. I know it was not in my place to do that but I did it anyway because I wanted to protect my family’s happiness. My brother is such a charmer, and so much more deserving than me in every way, and so I thought Ruhi would also find her happiness with him. I know I shouldn’t have kept Rohit in the dark about Ruhi and I but I really thought I was protecting my brother’s happiness, ensuring he got what he wanted. He seemed so much in love that I couldn’t bear to break his heart. If I told him, he would’ve told the family and that would have made things messier and alienated me further from them all. My guilt and my gratitude towards the family weighed well above my feelings for Ruhi and so I just did what I thought was right. It might seem selfish because I was just keeping my guilt and my feelings for my family above all and so, in order to punish myself for having broken Ruhi’s heart, I swore I would remain unmarried and keep my love and commitment to her alive for all my life.

Well, you know what happened next because you have been by my side more or less ever since. When Rohit left, Ruhi warned me he had likely got to know of our past. I brushed it aside at that point but the thought embedded itself deep in my subconscious. I was now guilty of destroying both Rohit and Ruhi’s lives and we don’t even know what has become of him. When Dadi sa decided to accept that Rohit was no longer amidst us, it broke my heart also because it complicated Ruhi’s life. What was to become of her now? In the midst of all this, Ruhi started pushing me to start life with her again. I had made the mistake of telling her that you wanted this to be a marriage for a specified term and not a lifetime commitment. She is now dangling the sword I handed over to her foolishly and asking me to chop off the ties you and I share.

In the middle of all this darkness and chaos, you stand like a beacon of light and an oasis of peace. I know I have told you that you are chaotic, Abhira, but the truth is you bring immense peace to my troubled heart. When I am with you, I feel less guilty, like the betal of guilt has decided to take a break. You and I are nothing alike, you are not my family’s notion of an ideal daughter-in-law and yet you have managed to make a place for yourself in all their hearts. You have managed to teach not just me but the others as well to stand up for themselves.

You are a miracle worker, Abhira. I feel so much for you that I cannot allow myself to feel. You deserve a less complicated man, someone who is as light and carefree as you are, someone without the baggage that I carry. I know you have seen more than your share of heartbreak but you have managed to wear it so lightly, accepting whatever life has thrown your way with positivity and courage. I wish I was like you but sadly I am not. I feel I should tell you all this and set you free . I can’t bear to do that though. I can’t bear to see the judgment and censure in your eyes when you know the truth. I can’t bear to shatter that softness that I have begun to see in your eyes whenever you look at me. I wish with all my heart that I could set myself free and embrace the promise that life with you holds. I can’t though because I can’t even bring myself to admit that I want it. I have to keep labelling you my responsibility, at least until a time when I am free enough to love you in true conscience. Right now it is too burdened and guilt-ridden for me to think of anything beyond the stated. Forgive me my lack of courage, Abhira. I sense that sooner or later I am going to hurt you bad and I wish with all my heart that I could protect you from it all. I know I am going to fail like always though. A successful lawyer who has lost every case in his personal life.

Until I set things right in some way for those whom I have wronged, I cannot move ahead in life. I know I have to set you free, this is not your cross to bear or your punishment to suffer. I know I have no right to ask you to wait when I have nothing to offer, no promise to make. I don’t know what the future holds but I believe it holds the best for you, because you deserve that and more. I will pray hard to your Kanha to shower you with so much happiness that all the grief of of the past becomes a distant memory. I don’t know what else to say or do, because I really can’t say or do anything else!

With all the emotions I hold for you in my heart,

Armaan

This is beautiful. Feels like Armaan has poured out his whole heart onto a piece of paper!

Ohh this is beautiful

Armaan has so much potential as a character, its sad that Makers don't know how to handle him properly.

I understand Armaan a lot more now thanks ❤️…

I think Abhira should find this letter and reply with actionable items to stop feeling guilty for everything. He's not making anyone happy by sacrificing or feeling guilty. She should show him that short term losses are better than long term. If he had spoken truth everyone would be upset but eventually Rohit would not be inna loveless marriage, he'd not impulsively leave and no one would be grieving him. And she's willing to wait but not forever. So if he doesn't want to add Abhira related guilt into his baggage, he needs to stop this guilt jaap.

Spectacular writing.

But I believe the new Armaan is not on such a deep trip as yet in the serial.

The second last para is absolutely UNFAIR for Abhira. He is only again talking about what he did wrong to others, leaving Abhira out of it. (While it should be the other way around.)

Your Armaan does not seem to understand that he has no business setting Abhira free and then caging her in a lifetime of grief, so that he can undo the wrongs he did to the others. In fact, his biggest mistake is that he makes decisions for others, and then repents at leisure.

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much love, light and laughter,
Battu.

Originally posted by: Pinecone

I think Abhira should find this letter and reply with actionable items to stop feeling guilty for everything. He's not making anyone happy by sacrificing or feeling guilty. She should show him that short term losses are better than long term. If he had spoken truth everyone would be upset but eventually Rohit would not be inna loveless marriage, he'd not impulsively leave and no one would be grieving him. And she's willing to wait but not forever. So if he doesn't want to add Abhira related guilt into his baggage, he needs to stop this guilt jaap.

very valid and logical points ..I think Armaan recognises them too but it is now too late to turn the clock back. He needs her to understand that his actions were not malintentioned at best. They are stupid seen through the lens of a logical, rational mind but the problem is his brain seems to shut down when it comes to family. Despite that he has acted on Abhira’s behalf several times when he’s felt her to be in the right. I think we should count that as progress. Beyond that, someone suggested regression therapy for Ruhi for her abandonment issues. Maybe Armaan actually needs professional therapy to deal with this baggage of guilt he is carrying around. His life might be a lot better and that of those around him as well. Abhira would probably not be writing a response but instead dialling the best therapist in town if this letter were to fall into her hands 😂

Originally posted by: bajarbattu

Spectacular writing.

But I believe the new Armaan is not on such a deep trip as yet in the serial.

The second last para is absolutely UNFAIR for Abhira. He is only again talking about what he did wrong to others, leaving Abhira out of it. (While it should be the other way around.)

Your Armaan does not seem to understand that he has no business setting Abhira free and then caging her in a lifetime of grief, so that he can undo the wrongs he did to the others. In fact, his biggest mistake is that he makes decisions for others, and then repents at leisure.

-
much love, light and laughter,
Battu.

absolutely ..that is his core problem ..he comes up with solutions that he believes are the best for all ..but in truth, he has no business coming up with them at all..

On Abhira, I don’t know but I am thinking he sees her as a confidante, a well-wisher, a friend and a guide even, despite her being so much younger. She is almost like his therapist lol. I mean it is not fair to her at all, and she is bearing the brunt of his guilt trips. Although, if she has chosen to give her heart to this complicated man, then the responsibility of helping him work his way through his issues will kind of fall on her. That is a call that she has to make, whether the joy of sharing a life with him would outweigh the burden of helping him deal with his guilt.

I agree that Armaan 2.0 does not seem as burdened because he has ceased to cry at the drop of a hat. On the flip side, tears are cathartic. Whatever, I have a thing for angsty men but not those that shed copious tears. So I am partial to Armaan 2.0 :)

Originally posted by: Aadi04

I understand Armaan a lot more now thanks ❤️…

I was trying to understand Armaan a little better myself ..glad it has helped you too :)

Its not fair for him to break her heart because of this guilt jaap. If anything this is incentive to come out of his trappings because otherwise he will lose Abhira and Abhira will be hurt because of him.