A month and a half later
Riha threw the phone on bed with an irritated expression. Rukku watched the process for a long time now, his sister roaming around, dialing, hanging up without a response every time with utter irritation. Finally he spoke. " Let it be Di! "
" 20th time Rukku! 20th time in seven days! His Whatsapp shows a last seen of six days back. "
Riha broke down on the bed. Her head ached like hell.
" Maaa!" , Rukku shouted.
Riha now lay on her mother's lap. Maa scribbled fingers down her hair. A strange calm happened to Riha in this process. She slowly closed her eyes.
" Riha, baby, why don't you visit him? "
Riha stayed silent for a long time. And then slowly uttered, " I .. can't. "
" If this is bothering you so much, you should, at least once. What I really don't get is, you yourself walked upto his door, befriended him, got to be an important part of each other's life for the past one and a half month! Then why can't you now? "
Riha turned sideways. Her eyes were watering.
" What the heck an important part maa?? He still hasn't chosen to talk about his past. How do I know if I matter at all, when he ignores my calls a twentieth time even?" , Riha uttered in a trembling voice while she wiped off the impending tears with her palm.
Maa kept on cuddling her head.
" Riha, as much as I have known Vivaan from you, he won't take a step forward. Rather, he will take ten steps backward without much of an explainable reason. It is you who need to initiate darling! Once again! "
Riha sat up. " Why maa?? I understand he lost his parents, a guardian and maybe a dog too. But does that really give him a right to pass on the pain? Why doesn't he get that I'm not made of steel! It hurts. "
" Then you should remind yourself, you yourself had walked forward to get hurt maybe. But my daughter isn't this weak. She's the strongest on earth! "
Riha couldn't speak. She choked. " maa... I... I... don't understand him maa!! He's too good with you constantly for so many days that you'll feel he's the best person on earth! And then once of all he gets so rude that you are bound to overlook all his goodness! Neither does he speak up of his pain which can justify him maybe. ", Riha was sobbing hard.
Maa pulled her closer, kissed her forehead.
" Now if you have discarded every other human who wanted to be only good to you, and chosen a mysterious person for life, you have to, you're bound to endure some pain.
If ego issues start arising, you know you are in love! I know you are in love! But does he? The fact is, maybe he needs you out there! But doesn't say because he's not made up that way. My Riha has always been with those in need. "
Riha stared at maa with water streaming down her face.
" Riha, as a mother I would never advice you to walk on the path of pain. But if you have chosen to, not walking on that will hurt you even more. Visit him. Push aside every ego, be the Riha before you met Vivaan, and walk on. "
Riha kept staring.
*****
Riha keenly noticed Vivaan's face as they both stood at the window of Vivaan's flat. The sun had just set and left a pink hue in the sky. Vivaan was staring at the sky. And Riha at him.
Riha's twelve days stay at Surya Enclave had done only this to her that she could stare at him for hours now. Vivaan definitely was the best man she had met, though a living oxymoron, yet the easiest to love. Riha knew she loved him. Like a girl loved a boy, like a friend loved another, like a mother loved a child. A huge much.
This one and a half month of acquaintance with him had taught Riha, love could step in abruptly and surround you tightly and curiously, and you may not do anything about that, sadly, not even talk about that in the fear of losing that forever.
And the hurt from Vivaan had increased proportionately. Because Riha couldn't judge him, couldn't feel him at all. He would just be the cutest with her and then the rudest. The harshest. The weirdest. The things hardly hurt before but now they did. So much so that the Riha who used to meet Vivaan anywhere anytime despite his glare and indifference at times, now waited for him to call, which he hardly did. Till now.
And that's how Riha didn't know if she held any place in his heart, or if he very carefully concealed everything just for the sake of it...
" I know you have been calling. I have uninstalled whatsapp just to cut off. " , Vivaan spoke after a long time.
" Your eyes are swollen. Seems you cried a lot and didn't sleep even. " , Riha uttered.
Vivaan fell silent again for a while, and then replied. " I have been sleeping well with sedatives for a long time. But, phases ...you know... "
Riha knew. Every depression and anxiety patient had phases.
She mustered a lot of courage and spoke up.
" being a doctor, today I break a promise I made sometimes back, just for the sake of it. Vivaan, you may share your feelings with me, please. Errr...I insist maybe."
Vivaan looked at her. His eyes were sleeplessly swollen and tearfully red. Dark patches made them even more dull. After a long time he broke the ice.
" I'm cursed Riha. I cannot love. "
Someone banged Riha's heart. She almost felt like holding it altogether.
" I killed my parents... Hadn't I been her son, my mom would have been alive... Hadn't my mom expired, my father would be well and alive... Hadn't I held onto Father Francis, he wouldn't have been bit by snake at the age of 31 years only... ... Hadn't Sister Lucy came forward to hug me, her stepbrother wouldn't have beaten her to death...Hadn't I loved Jolly, the horse that stood in the missionary yard, the thunderstorm that night wouldn't have hit her...
Hadn't I dared to love Suhaana, she wouldn't have chosen to end herself... Hadn't Devanshu been my bestest friend at college, he wouldn't have been hit by a bus... Hadn't I brought Dude home, he wouldn't have died of distemper soon...
I am cursed Riha... I have not dared to love anyone for the last eight years, I can never, throughout my life dare even. I...am...so lonely Riha! I am sooo lonely..."
Riha couldn't bear anymore. She had no idea that this soul of only twenty eight years was haunted by so many deaths. So many!!!
Vivaan slowly sat on his knees, he was sobbing so much that he got hiccups. Riha didn't know what to do, whether to wipe her own downrolling tears, or say something to pacify him. He continued, " last Monday was Devanshu's 28th birthday. I... I can never, never ...fo...forgive myself Riha...n..never! "
Riha was sobbing too. Vivaan cupped his face in his hands. He was literally wailing.
Riha slowly moved close to him, for the first time, hugged him tight, took his head in her lap, and uttered continuously, " relax Vivaan, relax! Relax, relax, relax..."
Vivaan unstrugglingly gave in, while Riha's tears flowed constantly down her eyes to Vivaan's head, as if creating an unknown connection between them...
' If his tears flow through your eyes, know, you can go to any extent to heal him, forever!'
Feedback awaited.
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