She was sent to rescue Me
"There is nothing that moves a loving father's
soul quite like his child's cry."
Joni
Eareckson Tada
"To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be
loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous."
Elizabeth
Gilbert, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with
Marriage
"Children begin by loving their parents; as
they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them."
Oscar
Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
Life is a series of moments.
He has always known that, he has lived in moments - the
good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful.
Even the ones that broke his heart; he thought now he knew them all,
knew the feel, the sound, the taste and touch of each of those moments.
Palpable things that touched him time and again - some that he would wish to
freeze in a prism somewhere for eternity, others he wishes he could bury in a
graveyard.
When the woman who was once his wife left him with their son
in tow, he thought he would always regard it as the worst moment of his life.
The moment when his world fell apart and all he could do was cry and beg with
her plead with her to not do this - to him, them, their children - especially
their six-month old daughter who hadn't even spoken her first word yet nor
taken that monumental first step.
He remembers he would hold onto his daughter and cry his
heart out at nights in the quiet of his room - he did that for days on end until
one day he finally had had enough of tears, had had heard enough of whispers,
seen enough stares that would turn away the moment he looked their way.
From that day on he set on a mission to show that woman and
the man who crumbled his world to ashes what he is made off and set on a
mission to avenge his broken heart.
He had not even realized the collateral damage of his
revenge would be the heartbreak of his own daughter at his hands.
How wrong was he to assume that no moment could take the top
spot in the list of his life' worst moments post that betrayal; for one just
did - today.
The moment he saw the silent, sullen, withdrawn and hunched
over figure of his daughter sitting all alone after he walked out of that
conference room easily outranks anything he has had to endure himself in all his
life.
He has never wished that he could have had the ability, the
power to turn back time and change things as badly as he does today. He wishes
he could erase the moments that led to his daughter suffering from the pain
that she did today - a moment her mother created when she left him and the
numerous moments he was lost blinded in his own pain.
He runs his hand over Ruhi' head, her face for the umpteenth
time in the past hour even as he rests his head on his hand supported by his
elbow. Unable to help himself he kisses
her forehead yet again and at last, a quite sob breaks free from his mouth.
He draws back so as to not disturb his daughter' peaceful
slumber and quietly continues to control the tremors that his weeping creates
as tears roll down his cheeks.
In the dark a hand lands on his shoulder as he sees his wife
supporting herself on an elbow facing him, her eyes full of understanding and
sympathy.
Quickly he wipes away his tears but he knows it is of no use;
Ishita turns around and switches on the night lamps before facing him.
He tries looking away anywhere but at her though he knows he
cannot escape the woman or her gaze that he feels upon himself try as he might
to avoid her in the moment.
"Raman...don't be so hard on yourself, Ruhi knows you love
her."
The quiet voice of his wife tries to soothe him, but how can
he find himself at ease just yet.
When he does not look at her nor answer her, even then he
hears his wife let out a sigh. Ishita gently keeps her hand on his; her touch
soft and light even as she firmly grips the back of his hand.
Under his palm he feels the soothing rhythm of his daughter'
heartbeat while he feels the warmth of his wife' touch above his hand, she
squeezes his hand gently to once again nudge him and gain his attention. Having
no choice but to give in he finally looks at her through misty, guilty eyes.
"Don't worry Raman, Ruhi knows the truth now, she wouldn't
be affected or swayed by anything anyone says or asks her anymore. She understands
everything."
"That's the worst thing isn't it? The worst part of it is
Ishita that she understands, she shouldn't she should hate me, hate me more
than anyone in this world not call me her favorite."
"Raman... what... do you even realize what you are saying here?"
"Perfectly and I know I am right."
"You are talking absolute nonsense here, how can you even
say your daughter should hate you?"
"Because I know I deserve it completely."
"Raman... it isn't your fault Shagun handed those papers to
Ashok, you signed them true but that it is what any man in your position might
have done at the time."
"It's not those damn papers that are to blame here Ishita."
"Shagun and Ashok..."
"I don't even care about those swines...today the one person
responsible for Ruhi' pain, her heartbreak is me, I am the one who made my
little girl suffer."
"How can you blame yourself Raman and why should you?"
"Are you really asking me that question Ishita, you of all
people?"
The way he looks at her with utter disbelief and heartache
written all over his face, she can't help but feel for him, she knows what he
means by those words, that question but she has to let him know that is all in
the past - her misunderstandings, his mistakes. They cannot keep living in the past
forever, cannot let things pull them back or down else no one would benefit
from it and the person to suffer the
most would once again be Ruhi.
With all the conviction, she can muster on her face, his
wife quietly replies looking him in the eye,
"Yes I am saying that Raman. I misunderstood you for a
period before our marriage, I thought Shagun to be a better parent, the parent
deserving Ruhi because then I did not know better, but now I do. At that time,
all I could see was a lonely little girl and thought you to be a ruthless,
cold-hearted man who does not understand or appreciate the love of his child,
let alone love her. I believed she needed a mother because she was so sad
always and thought that her mother might love her and want her just as much; I
was unaware what her mother is like and what you are really like back then.
Today I do and so yes I am telling you don't do this to
yourself."
"How can I not Ishita, huh tell me? Those swines got
published a piece of nonsense in the papers against me and while it targeted me, it hurt my
daughter, my Ruhi...Ishita Ruhi believed that for a while today I might not have
wanted her, might not love her and it was because of my unfair treatment of her
for such a long time. I did this to her, how could I have not seen it? How
could I have been so lost and blinded in my pain I did not realize what am I
putting my child through, why? Why does my Ruhi always end up suffering so
much?
I am to blame here, had I been a better father for her
always she would have had no reason to even believe that rubbish in the first
place."
A quiet settles between them after his outburst.
She knows she cannot change the past, cannot do a thing
about it now but she is glad he vented out, that he is not bottling up.
He gets up from the bed and is about to leave the room when
before he can make an exit his wife is blocking his way standing firm between
him and the door in the passageway.
"Move Ishita, I wanna leave."
"You aren't going anywhere and if you must I am coming with
you."
He lets out an exasperated sigh at that,
"I want to be alone now, just leave me please."
"I won't."
"Why can't you leave me alone?"
"I won't and cant."
"What is your problem, why can't you leave me?"
"It's a little too late now for that, for leaving you all
alone - we are now married need I remind you and whatever concerns Ruhi is my
problem."
Closing his eyes, he pinches the bridge of his nose with his
finger and thumb as he replies,
"Fine have it your way, I want to have some fresh air. Let's
go down."
A small, victorious smirk emerges on her face involuntarily
and he looks daggers at her,
"What you think this look will scare me huh? Try something
new I am used to this by now...it isn't gonna work."
Shaking his head he follows his wife as she turns around,
opens the door and leaves the room. They quietly make their way
to the hall, at the main door Ishita stops for a moment, picks up the spare set
of keys hanging on the key-rack by the door for the main door and opens the
door.
Shutting the door behind him, he trails behind his wife who
is already climbing down the stairs.
They find themselves in the society compound all alone at
one AM in the night, only the night watchman, a sleeping one at that, sitting
on his chair for their sole company.
Crossing their arms they began their walk, the flashes of a
similar night come to their mind. How different is this walk to that one, how
changed are things. They had almost lost
Amma back then but still could find some peace, some joy in those moments.
Their casual talk ranging from it being a task to put children to sleep to
discussing gifts for the relatives coming for Ananya' naming ceremony all of it
seem so distant now.
Tonight they are closer than that day as a couple, as
parents and yet it is not the same.
His face tormented by the guilt he feels, by the pain of his
daughter while she is quietly wondering how to put him at ease, how to make him
get over the guilt that he feels. She knows she cannot deny the things he said
or the ones she said in the past but things have changed since then. Things are
clearer to her now, she sees what a wonderful man her husband is, how his
follies were human errors made by a person suffering and tormented, a person
who felt alone and withdrew in himself desiring he be left alone and not
intentional choices he made for the sole purpose of inflicting pain upon his
child.
"Amma never told me about the complications my stomach TB
could give way too."
The gentle murmur of his wife in the quiet gets his
attention and he looks at her curiously. When she sees she has his attention
upon looking at him, she hears the unvoiced question evident on his face.
She takes a deep
breath before beginning again,
"I got stomach TB around the time I was 3 or 4 years old, I
didn't remember much of it except for the pain and of course because of the
medical records. The doctors had let Amma, Appa know then the problem had been
detected quite late when things had gotten bad. There was a chance I could have
died too owing to the severity of the condition but I recovered somehow - good
doctors, prayers, willpower or may be plain destiny call it what you may saved
me. Only the treatment and mostly the ailment would leave an impact on me, the
doctor who treated me back then let Amma, Appa know I would only have a 10%
chance in the future of conceiving someday but even that was putting it too
greatly. I might never become a mother too; they had learned it back then
itself and hid things from me."
After pondering for a bit, her husband speaks up, his voice
low and composed.
"Amma must have had her reasons to not disclose those things
to you; maybe she didn't want you to fret over things out of your control."
"She did, she told me so when I learned the truth. Amma...she
is very religious you know that but god... Raman you should have seen her before
our marriage... I mean when things were really over the top. The way she would
constantly pray, keep fasts, visit temples, conduct or take part in any poojas
and always distribute things to the poor in my name... you would think she was a
religious nut. I honestly would be at my wit' end sometimes with her antics, it
drove me up a wall in my teens to tell you the truth but taking after Appa I
learned to deal with things with patience even when sometimes all I wanted to
do was just shake her and ask her to stop bugging me."
Involuntarily a smile appears on his face, the image of his
calm wife being an frustrated daughter fighting with his spirited mother-in-law
appearing in his mind' eye, boggling and surprising him at the same time.
Seeing him smile for the first time in hours puts a smile on her face too
before she begins again.
"Amma always thought her prayers, her fasts and all they
would not let my condition worsen... I would be free of things and one day be
happily married and have at least a child of my own."
She is lost wistfully in her thoughts when his voice falls
on her ears snapping her out of her reverie.
"Amma was just being a mother."
"I know that but then I didn't understand her obsession... yes
it was an obsession before you defend her anymore."
"It might have been and I can understand totally how mothers
can sometimes drive you crazy, you have been living with mine for a few months
now to know what I mean."
She smiles at his comment as she gathers what he means, her mother
-in-law is a force of nature to be reckoned and can be quite overbearing at
times. The months before their marriage when it wasn't even considered as a
possibility on the horizon Amma and Mummyji had sort a got into a contest about
which of them could get their child married first, only fate had already
planned to end the competition in a draw, so yes she understands perfectly what
he means.
He speaks again a little somber but the sadness clouding his
face considerably lesser.
"I know you are trying to make me feel better Ishita but
Amma and I, our situations are different. What she did was out of the love of a
mother, what I did was and is still my cross to bear."
"I know that Raman... I am not ... what my point was, is to
share this information is simply this - all parents at some point hurt their
children."
"But Amma never did this to hurt you. This isn't the same as
what I did to Ruhi."
"Not knowing the truth hurt me anyways Raman."
"Are you blaming Amma here...because ...Subu..."
She looks down with a rueful smile, her eyes a little misty
and lets out a sigh before she begins.
"Subu would have left me anyways..."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because if he couldn't fight for us when I needed him he
wouldn't have put up a fight even if we were married by the time he learned the
truth. I mean it had to come out at some point right. It would not have
remained a secret forever that I am infertile anyways we would have learned of
it someday. And I figured if twelve years of courtship couldn't make him step
up for me, for us, our love...a few more years added to that count wouldn't have
made any difference too. His Amma would have asked him to divorce me then and
he would have done just that."
"It still would have been his fault and not Amma' yes she
hid things from you but only because she didn't want to see you in pain and
misery."
She smiles at him a little as she replies,
"Exactly Amma' love blinded her enough to make her hide
things from me Raman... I ... I got left by a man I loved for so long because one
day suddenly things changed for us...Amma thought she was protecting me, doing the right thing by me yet she didn't
see even her hiding the truth for me ended up with me suffering just the same.
I got heartbroken because I loved a man who could not accept my limitations ...I
can't blame him for that, don't now... but it did hurt me then, that he could
leave me just like that.
Had I known the truth - I would have never fallen in love
with someone who could not get this... would have avoided heartbreak as much as I
could, possibly forever too. Should I blame Amma for that pain now?"
"You can't fight destiny Ishita and I still say Amma is not
at fault here... she is a mother, if anything she wanted the best for you always.
How was she to know that you would get hurt in the long run despite her best
efforts?"
When she does not reply and only smiles his brows furrow
making her speak up.
"Are you hearing yourself Raman? You are explaining to me my
mother never wanted to hurt me, even if she knew perhaps on some level what she
is doing, what might happen to me."
"It isn't the same Ishita."
"Wanna know the number of men that ran at the first mention
of my infertility when our families set up our meetings for my marriage? One of
them...oh he even said he fell in love with me at first sight."
"Are you comparing Ruhi' heartbreak, what happened to her
today with your own heartbreak?"
"No...but the feeling is the same here Raman."
"Huh?"
"To feel...you are...unwanted... to be considered a reject...the
reasons may differ but the emotion and its affects are the same."
He recalls the insults he made then - his words to her,
nasty ones at that and feels ashamed of his behavior with her in the past.
"Ishita I..."
"Raman...the point is no parent...no loving parent wants their
child to suffer, break their heart but that happens if it has to and they can't
help it no matter what. I can't and don't blame Amma for hiding the truth or
making me meet those guys because one truth stands above all - I know she loves
me; just like you love Ruhi... I could either have hated my Amma, been angry with
her or chose to see a mother' love and know if anyone in this world cares for
me and loves me above all, unconditionally it is my Amma... just like Ruhi did
today. She could have lived in the past or know the truth of her heart - that her
papa loves her, knows everything about her and nothing matters more. We might
want to see our parents as perfect individuals but no one is perfect Raman...
neither you nor me or our parents we all have our faults. However, nothing
matters as long as there is love in your heart for your child, so long as you
do your best by them and try to make them a good person - something that Amma
did, something that you do for Ruhi and Adi, both.
You cannot be perfect Raman...you can only give your best
that is all you can do."
She knows she got through to her husband when his face
appears calmer, relaxed than it was minutes ago.
"I would make sure she knows how much I love her now Ishita."
"Do that; just make sure you don't spoil her silly while at
it."
He shakes his head and smiles before replying,
"Worried I am already her favorite, what would happen if I really
let her know how much I love her and that you would not even figure on the
list?"
"Ha... you wish."
"So are you telling me you are not the least bit jealous
here?"
"Nope..."
"Now you are lying."
"I am not."
"Liar."
"I am not lying Raman. I already knew her answer even before
she told you that."
"She must have told you already... what's the big deal about
that?"
"No silly...she never said a word to me, I never even knew
what questions she was going to ask you."
"Then how come..."
"Because she is just like you...your mirror image, carbon
copy, Xerox whatever you wanna call her. And she is a daughter Raman... like I am
and a daughter always loves her father best...just like a father always loves his
daughter more than his son."
"But then it must be a problem when there is more than one
daughter like in your home."
"Nope ... that never was the problem in our home. Amma may
fuss over me more but she is closer to Akka and I am Appa' favorite... though do
not tell that to Akka. She still doesn't like me being Appa' favorite somehow."
His wife has an impish smile as she shares yet another
secret with him, which brings a smile on his face.
"It's getting really late lets go home."
He proposes with a smile
feeling lighter and happier, more relaxed than he did when he came here
with his wife and he knows it's all thanks to her for putting his heart at
peace, his anxieties and guilt at rest.
His wife simply nods and heads back towards the entrance of
their building as he catches up with her.
They make their way back home in silence with smiles on
their faces and fall asleep in their bed with their daughter in between with
those same smiles after a long day.
Edited by EkPaheli - 9 years ago
nothing more to say...
comment:
p_commentcount