Sturm und Drang
"So as long as you can forget your body you are
happy and the moment you begin to be aware of your body, you are wretched."
D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's Lover
"To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is
the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves."
Federico Garca Lorca, Blood Wedding and Yerma
He
wakes up in the middle of the night.
With
his breathing labored and heartbeats thundering, he is drenched in sweat.
He
finds his room shrouded in darkness, the only light being that of the moon
reflected on the flooring.
Getting
his harsh breathing under control, he turns his head around to see if he has
caused any disruption involuntarily. The view brings a smile upon his face as
he notices his wife sleeping peacefully with their daughter besides him.
Ruhi
has made a body pillow of her Ishimaa tonight as her head is pillowed on
Ishita' shoulder while her arms and legs are around her torso.
He
thinks he cannot be thankful enough to have his daughter present in their room tonight.
Else, he might have done something
perhaps irrevocably damaging.
He
gingerly moves aside the blanket covering him and slowly makes his way out of
their room.
Within
no time, he is in the bathroom stripping off his nightclothes and setting them
aside carefully.
Standing
under the cold water of the shower, he stands near the wall, bends his head and
closes his eyes.
He
just hopes no one wakes up to use the bathroom so long as he is here or that
his wife or daughter, do not take notice of his absence.
He
is thankful for the thunder raging outside since it would muffle the sound of
the shower he is taking at this time of the night. He would not have any idea
how to explain himself, his predicament to anyone, least of all the source of
it.
When
even after minutes of his silent torment nothing works, he does the only thing
he can. He takes himself in hand and lets out a groan.
He
has not resorted to this for the first time but it is a first in a way for him,
for tonight he is not merely seeking release for the sake of it, but because he
needs it, since the alternative is not an option he can resort too. As a youth, he had come to discover ways his
body was transforming, changing with his age. It had not taken long for him to discover his
newly developed interests and ways to cope with them.
Even
before he could attain maturity in the truest sense of the terms, he had been
married off. With marriage, he had found himself acquainted with his carnal
side, especially in the first few months of it with his newly wedded wife. He could
not have enough of her and those months with her, was the time he was perhaps
the most sleep deprived in his life, and yet joyous to no extreme. They would
make love most nights or the first thing in the morning, depending on things
but no two nights could pass in a row when they could abstain. They conceived
Adi in the third month of their marriage itself and the pregnancy had made
things all the more zealous between them.
After
Adi was born slowly though things began to deteriorate between them and the
passion of the marriage was lost. Their coupling got less and less frequent. He
put it down to her stress and the lack of sleep thanks to an infant in the
equation. He could not slight his wife for things then, he had read enough
about the after effects of pregnancy on women - how it affects them physically,
emotionally and psychologically as well. He did what he could to assure her no
matter what he always finds her beautiful and attractive, someone he desires.
Only
she would not believe him much or even if she did, her inclination to partake
faded no matter how he tried to woo her, seduce her.
Ruhi'
conception became a miracle in itself since it was the last time they came
together in a drunken bout after months of abstinence. It was after her birth he discovered why his
wife had lost interest in him - she had found another man, a richer man - his boss, Ashok Khanna.
He
lost faith in love and relationships thereafter and wanted to have nothing to
do with another woman for the rest of his life. However, he could not lose
touch with his baser instincts, his urges hard as he tried. His upbringing and hatred though would not
let him resort to find means of satisfaction that were borne of ways he
detested - ways that were resorted to by
men which involved women of desperate need or greed. He couldn't take advantage
of someone' need and the mere thought of touching a woman, any woman who
reminded him too much of his ex-wife repulsed him.
He
had considered it a given, he would never in his life again fall prey to
temptation and desires. He therefore must fulfill all his needs all by himself.
It
turns out he had decided on things without realizing his fate would have
different things in stored for him; namely her.
She
is turning out to be everything he wanted and needed in his wife and yet she is
someone he cannot have.
Things
have changed between them and how! The woman he could barely stand, the woman
who was another stranger to him months ago is now his wife, the mother of his
daughter and his friend, his companion.
She
is so very different from anyone he has ever known. He had slotted all women as
heartless, cruel , cold creatures due to the betrayal he received from one but
she, she made him realize how wrong was it of him to generalize, to not
differentiate and sort out the good ones from the rotten.
She
is silly and intelligent, loving and objective, innocent and courageous, jovial
and sensitive all at once. She is a box full of contradictions and he cannot help
it, something about her makes it impossible for him to pull away try as he
might.
He
had hated her initially or rather it would be accurate for him to say he had
hated that pretty face of hers. For him beauty was a sure shot guarantee of
lies and betrayal, greed and manipulation before he began to discover her,
understand her.
Now
he knows, not all beautiful faces conceal behind them hideous hearts and cruel
intentions. Some faces he has come to
discover are merely a reflection of the beauty within, like hers - for she is
undoubtedly beautiful inside and out. Her face is only a fraction of the beauty
of her heart and soul. The woman who loves his child so, who made him
understand his mistakes and bridged the gap between his daughter and him, who
has always been there for his family is infinitely more beautiful on the inside
than she is on the surface.
He
knows he cannot have her, but how can he stop himself from wanting her?
He
laughs without humor at the irony as he compares his marriages. In his first
marriage, the first few months were full of desire and passion and slowly that
had faded, leaving behind only hate and anger in its wake. His second started
with no trace whatsoever of even civility from his end for her initially and
now... now things are evolving; but it does not have to mean anything, not
necessarily.
He
cannot allow himself the luxury of hopes 0r even dreams once again.
Not
if things have come to this not when he cannot escape her now even in his
dreams.
God
he cannot believe it, he dreamed of her tonight! It was not just any dream - it
was a dream of them. He dreamt they were making love.
The
flashes of the images he saw in his dream come crashing on him once again.
It
really was a terrible idea doing what he did today, yes, he was annoyed and
irritated with the slow pace at which she was walking and his annoyance made
him impatient enough to do what he did. He picked her up in his arms. Yeah in
hindsight that was not a good decision on his part, now he is more intimate
with the curves of her body, knows the way she feels in his arms, is more aware
of her effect on him.
God
this woman is messing up big time with him.
If
it were only physical attraction at work here, he would not be this tormented,
conflicted right now. However, it is not the case here, not anymore. She
appeals to him on every level there is - she is everything he wanted and more.
She is everything he needed and never knew, not until she came into his life.
He
cannot get over the magnanimity of her heart, her selfless love, her strength.
She shattered his defenses in a moment last night when she willingly extended her
support to parent his son, the child who hates the mere thought of her. He
cannot get over her gesture, her resolve to be involved in every aspect of his
life. His children are his reason to live and she; she is being the mother he
always wished Shagun had been for them.
Heaven
knows he wanted to cry then, a corner of his heart did at the joke life and
fate played upon him. Hearing her words, a corner of his mind even conjured up
the thought - what if he had met her before, if she had borne his kids, she
been the only woman in his life ever. So many what ifs... and all for naught, he
cannot change things after all. But a part of him couldn't help but wonder what
his life might have been had that been the case, he knows without the shot of a
doubt, he would have been the happiest man to walk this earth, she would have
made him that man.
This
woman does not even realize the effect she has on him that he supposes is the worst
part of it. He recently had held her
after she had finally started blurting out the truth that she had been careless
with his car. He had had a good mind to drill it into her head never ever to
touch his baby, but the moment she had hushed after his command, it was upon
him that the tables had turned in a swift move. Her proximity had mesmerized
him and one look at her lips and he was a goner... if he could have he would have
kissed her senseless there and then, but knowing he cannot cross that line, he
had reigned himself in.
No
woman has drawn him, the way she does and she does not even notice or
understand it. Silly woman, so overcome was she by her fear; she did not even
realize what happened with him in a split second, why did he suddenly change
his tactics.
It would have been easier to resist her if she
were any aware of things perhaps, may be because she would purposely make
things difficult or easier for him, depending upon where she stands regarding
this attraction, but her gullibility is as infuriating as it is endearing.
He
had figured marrying her would be hell, he now knows better. He knows now how
wrong that was, as hell definitely is this, not what he had earlier
figured it would be. What else could be
hell if not this? Being attracted to his own wife, staying under the same roof,
in the same room with her and yet, yet having a gulf between them.
Someone
up there definitely hates him, he thinks with a laugh. He must have sinned, and sinned awfully to be
tormented like this in this lifetime, first getting married to a woman like
Shagun, next losing his son' custody and now this... he is worried for himself,
and what fates have planned next for him.
She
makes him want to be a better man, a man she deserves, a man she would love.
Love...
the word is entering his life again!
He
is falling for her and falling hard, he might have teased her if she has began
falling in love with him today... but the truth is he was laying his cards out in
the open in his own way, gauging her reaction to the idea of loving him. Though
she had not said a yes, as he expected, but the fact she fumbled and blushed
scarlet gave him hope...that if not now, it's a possibility in the future, she
isn't wholly adverse to the idea, nor does she contempt it. She is perhaps as
lost as he is, she too has had a heartbreak in her past. It is all right he can
give her space and time; he needs it as well after all.
He
knows it is the only way to go about it.
Being with her, talking to her, watching her smile and laugh, be with
Ruhi, knowing she is his and his alone... should be enough for now.
The
only thing he has to do in the meanwhile is stay on guard, remain cautious when
around her and act normal while at it. She must not get the slightest idea of
what all he has going on in his mind. He does not even want to imagine what
would have happened, what she might have said had she caught him watching her
sleep that night. She had looked so beautiful, her features relaxed, he hadn't
even realized it himself when he forget about waking her up and instead just
sat around to look at her, in an unguarded moment. Those stolen moments of time are his now to
cherish.
Wiping
his wet body, he once again changes into the nightclothes he had left
discarded.
Before
going to bed, he decides on getting a cool glass of water and hence heads to
the kitchen. After having the drink, he closes the door of the fridge after
restoring the bottle in its original place and turns around only to collide
into her.
Things
will never be easy for him will they be?
Of
course, not his mind replies.
How
can they be when things never seem to go his way, he had planned mere moments
ago to maintain distance from her and now she is in his arms! To stop her fall
he had reflexively acted and held onto her waist tightly and pulled her in, as simultaneously
her arms grabbed his shoulders tightly so as to not lose her balance, her nails
dig into his neck and he winces from the pain.
"Ouch!"
he yelps from the pain.
As
soon as she is steady on her feet, she is worried about him.
"Sorry
Raman. Let me see."
Before
he can do anything to stop her, her fingers are on his neck tracing the
crescent moons her nails created on his skin. Even though her touch is mild, he lets out a
hiss. She is apologizing profusely and he once again finds himself engulfed in the
flames of his desire, as her touch sets him on fire again.
He
brusquely removes her hand from his neck and looks daggers at her,
"What
is wrong with you? "He asks her with a voice full of annoyance.
"Sorry
I didn't mean it Raman, I just didn't realize you would turn around at the
wrong moment."
"So
this is my fault to now? Great you can never accept your mistakes can you?"
"I
already said I am sorry so many times Raman, doesn't it mean I know it was my
mistake?"
He
lets out a angry sigh at that and shakes his head, closing his eyes. With his
anger now under control, he begins once again,
"Well
then may I ask what are you doing at this time of the night then? Are you
practicing to audition for the part of some ghost or something with your hair
open like that and all?"
"What?
No. Seriously, how do you come up with
these bizarre thoughts anyways?"
"The
company I keep inspires me always, now done with your questioning, so answer
me."
She
makes a face at that, this man cannot stop with his retorts and taunts even in
the middle of the night.
"I
was coming to check on you, you ungrateful man."
"Me?"
he clearly had not expected that answer from her.
"Yes
you, you had been gone a long time from the room I wondered if there is
something wrong with you, if you are sick or something or may be tensed with
some problem."
When
he realizes she knows he had been absent for a while, he is immediately on
guard and worried if she knows of his activities but as she completes, he cant
help but feel a little giddy and happy that she is so concerned for him.
"I..
I haven't been gone all that long just a while, and no nothing is wrong with
me."
"I
heard the door close Raman and saw the time on my mobile, and went back to
sleep, but I got thirsty so got up once again and saw you were still gone and you
left almost half an hour ago Raman. It got me worried."
He
cannot help himself when she gets adorable like that, and so is back to teasing
her again.
"Oh
worried about me now are you?"
With
a glint of mischief in his eyes he advances towards her as she backs off, her
face having the same adorable confused look it had in the morning at his
actions.
"I...
I thought you could be sick." She stammers nervously.
Before
she knows it, her back collides with the platform on the kitchen and as soon as
that happens, he closes in on her. His arms go around her and he places them on
the granite. He leans in close to her,
their faces inches apart, his eyes carrying an unseen look in them, one that
seems almost feral to her. She can't
help but find she is sweating, her heart is thundering, her pulse rapid and she
looks down.
With
the gentles of touch, he places a finger under her chin and makes her look him
in his eyes,
"Are
you positively sure you are not in
love with me?" he asks the question in a husky whisper.
Her
eyes widen at his impertinence, and she tries to push him away but he manages
to grab her hands before she could so much as move him an inch.
He
comes close to her now, closer than before, and repeats his question.
"Are
you sure you are not in love with me
Ishita?"
She
gulps down before replying to him in a whisper, her mouth dry and her breathing
shallow, as she finds herself affected by his proximity. He has never done this,
been this insolent or direct with her, not until today nor has he behaved the
way he is doing now.
"No,
I am not in love with you."
She
replies and is oddly proud of herself as she managed to do so without fumbling
the least.
He
stares at her for a while and just when she thinks perhaps, he might now let go
of her, he brings his face closer to her, she closes her eyes on instinct at
the move and is hence pleasantly surprised when she finds his hot breath on her
ear and his voice gravelly and soft whispering to her,
"Then
why do you keep worrying about me hmm?"
He
turns his face around after that and looks her in the eye, she does not know
why she says it but she speaks the first words that come to her.
"Because
of the same reason you keep on worrying about me."
He
quirks an eyebrow at that, and has a smirk on his face that infuriates her for
some reason.
"Oh
yeah and what may I know is that reason as per you?"
"I
am Ruhi' mother and you are her dad."
"Is
that all there is between us?"
"Of
course what else could be?"
"You
tell me, you are the one falling in love with me after all."
She
has had enough of his cheek and so haughtily replies,
"Is
that so? I was thinking it's the other way around Mr. Raman Kumar Bhalla, you
are the one who is falling for me."
He
has to laugh at that, oh so she is finally stepping up, somehow he likes that
he can rile up the always cool and composed Ishita Raman Kumar Bhalla, get
under her skin.
"Oh
and what makes you say that?"
"A
lot of things." She says confidently.
"Name
one."
"The
slack jaw look you always have whenever I am dressed."
"That
isn't being in love dearest wife... that's a different thing, a man checks out
lots of women, he doesn't fall in love with all of them now does he?"
"No,
but only a man in love notices little things, like last night you noticed how a
lock of my hair was astray in the party and tucked it in."
"And
only a woman in love tries to mark her territory, don't think I didn't understand
what made you keep your hand on my shoulder immediately after that. you were
marking me." He says proudly.
"I
played along, just like you asked me too, in case you are forgetting things."
"Okay,
but your tears this morning weren't a part of any play."
"I
already told you, you held my hand way too tight it hurt me."
"And
you noticed my absence right now? Explain that."
"I
already did, and please... you worry about me too, that's why you rushed to my
clinic today."
"A
serial killer on the loose, a wife gone with a man who matches the description
of the said killer, any normal man would do what I did."
"Threaten
her old friend?"
"I
didn't know it was your friend alright. How could I have the stupid watchman
just told me you went with a man in a hoodie, how could I have known you were
safe."
"You
think I would go along with a perfect stranger at night?'
"To
help someone, yeah you would do something so stupid."
She
laughs at that, even in his anger this man shows how well he knows her and
worries about her,
"Sid
is my old friend, and a huge movie star, he doesn't like being recognized all
the time so the hood Raman. Besides he
had a really bad toothache so he called me up, as a friend and doctor, even
came to pick me up when I told him it could take me a while to reach the clinic
since I have a shoe bite and can't drive because it hurts my feet and would
need to catch a rickshaw."
"You
could have informed someone, anyone about your whereabouts though."
"Concerned
is someone?"
"About
you, are you kidding me no ways. You can even scare a serial killer with your
lectures."
"Hmm,
I can see that. You aren't concerned about me, in fact you weren't even jealous
in the least when Sid hugged me goodbye, and it was probably my imagination
that you looked so angry and then had this murderous expressions on your face when
you drove me back home."
"I
was not jealous."
"That's
what I said too, didn't I?" she says coyly.
"Whatever."
He finally lets go off her hand and backs off.
As
she notices the retreating figure of her husband, she cannot help but have a
smile on her face.
Something
though does not sit right with her and she heads to the bathroom to confirm her
doubts.
Her
queries are answered when she notices the wet floor, and then touches her
husband' wet towel by the sink.
So
it had not been her mistake, she had smelled fresh soap on his skin.
On
inspecting the geyser, she finds it cool to touch and her eyes widen as she connects
the dots.
Her
husband was taking a cold shower in the middle of the night.
Somehow
she walks back to her room and finds her daughter sleeping cocooned in her
father' arms and takes her place on the bed.
She
looks at her husband, notices his breathing is even, and finds him sleeping.
Overcome
by exhaustion her mind and body lose the battle against sleep as her eyes close
after a while, only for her husband to invade her dreams, their encounter in
the kitchen replayed on her mind, only with a slight change in things. In her
dreams, when he closes the distance between them he seals her lips with his and
later carries her back to their room in
his arms, much like he did earlier in
the day only this time around he places her on their bed and sinks into her
loving embrace.
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