OS: Sarita's dilemma! | Punar Vivaah Ek Nayi Umeed

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anonee

@anonee

Sparkler

Posted: 11 years ago

SARITA'S DILEMMA

Sarita's question to an agony column:

Question: I have been a cook, maid, housekeeper and wife for 10 years to my husband, his parents, grandmother and 3 sisters.

My husband has never hidden the fact that he considers the marriage a bad choice. My husband was forced into an arranged marriage with me even though his family knew he loved another. I entered into marriage willingly looking forward to healthy loving relationship with my husband and in-laws. My husband disrespected me on the wedding day itself by keeping me waiting at the mandap (that is when I overheard my in-laws whisper that they were forcing him to marry me and not the one he loved).

I wanted to avoid a public humiliation of me and my parents, and so went ahead with the marriage. I continue to stay married because of the fear of humiliation, societal rejection, social stigma of a barren woman and divorcee, and being a life long financial burden on my parents. I live with the silent hope that one day my husband will accept me and give me the respect that is due to me.

My husband has always proclaimed with his actions and words that he does not love or care for me. He allows me to stay in his house but does not show me any kindness or respect. He sleeps on the bed, I on the floor. He travels by car and mobike, I travel by bus and auto. He eats on the table with his sisters, I eat in the kitchen after cooking and serving them.

I am the maid of the house - I dust, sweep, and wash the clothes and dishes. His mother and 2 sisters relentlessly taunt and insult me beyond endurance. Often, I loose my patience and retort right back.

My husband's ex-girlfried is the female lead of the TV serial choti bahu. My husband still loves her. She is currently unmarried and in the same city as me and my husband. She claims she will get me and my husband together. She wants to move in to our house to help me get my husband's love.

I do not know if I love my husband - but I do know I crave his love. I do not love my in-laws anymore and I am very unhappy; what should I do? Should I trust choti bahu? I believe she is sincere but does she want to move in to steal my husband or to make him love me?

Answer by columnist:

Dear Sarita:

To have a happy marital life, particularly if it was arranged - one should think deeply and understand the culture, ambience, needs, wishes, and morals of the husband and the in-laws. If one does not consider the above factors before marriage, life following marriage will be full of troubles and sufferings as you suffer now.

It seems to me that you are a very persceptive, thoughtful, and kind woman who went ahead with the arranged marriage in order to shield the honor of your parents inspite of knowing that your would-be husband did not love or respect you.

Reading between the lines of your letter I get the impression that you have tried to win your husband and his family's love. Now, l do not know the logistics and inner workings of your husband's household and his ex-girlfried so I am going to suggest a generic solution that should bring some peace and harmony to your life.

1. Always be of pleasant countenace. I will talk about demeanor later but given that your husband's ex-girlfriend is a TV star I suggest that you take pains to make yourself look attractive. I suggest you dress in attractive sarees/clothes, use some ornaments, perfume, and make-up. Do your best to look attractive at all times even when you sweep, cook and wash the dishes and clothes!

Your inner self, the soul is always attractive. I want you to reflect that purity by kind and sincere words at all times. I know this is tough but try not to retort even when provoked beyond endurance. Do your best to "kill them with your kindness" - and truly be kind. Do not fake kindness.

2. Be interested in whatever your husband is interested in, because this is the key to get to his heart.

3. Daily spend some time in prayer and spiritual reading. If possible visit a temple and join in bhajan or satsang groups. I suggest you do this because spiritual knowledge imbues wisdom guiding the heart and mind in the right way. Seek God's advice within - is it necessary for your husband's ex-girlfriend to come and live in the same house as you and your husband to get your husband to love you? What would be the right spiritual decision for you and your husband? Learn to rely more and more on God for your all your needs even the ordinary ones.

4. Be of a smiling demeanor. Do your best to ease the atmosphere in the house with kind and pleasant words and if possible lighten the moment with a joke or two.

Try your best not to be bitter and even if what has done to you has killed the spirit in you, arise above the situation and reverse the situation first mentally, then with words and actions. My sincere advice to you is never ever become desperate, envious or give in to uncontrollable anger.

5. Try not to get into an argument with your husband or your in-laws. Do not dissuade your husband from meeting, talking or being friendly with his ex-girlfriend (note I am not asking you to encourage your husband in being friendly with her) because if you try and prevent him he will be more stubborn until he achieves what he wants just to avenge his personality.

6. I suggest you continue behaving pleasantly and seek sustenance from God even if your husband were to ask you for a divorce in order to marry his ex-girlfriend. Do not lose hope and give in to jealousy and anger for that would only destroy you. Life is too short and temporary, seek the bliss of God and do your best to behave in a godly manner. Forgive your husband and his ex-girlfriend and move onward and upward.

7. Join a correspondence course NOW and get a professional degree at the earlliest so that you can gradually work towards your financial independence. Do not announce and tell all your plans to all. Tell those who need to know and quietly work towards your educational and professional goal.

I do have the following few words for your husband. I write this in the hope that your husband may read my column and that like all people he too is interested in being happy.

Dear Brother will you please think through and truthfully answer to yourself:

1. Will your conscience leave you free to be happy while you punish Sarita for being forced into an arranged marriage with her? Will disrespecting and destroying Sarita make you happy?

2. What will you lose if you treat Sarita respectfully and make her happy? Will you gain something instead?

3. Suppose you were to bring your ex-girlfriend into your life by marrying her - will you be able to divorce Sarita without any qualm of conscience?

4. Sometimes God does not grant all our wishes because HE knows what WE need. The value of a man (mardangi) is in his good thoughts and deeds, surrendering to the will of God, and in being at peace and harmony with oneself.

Edited by anonee - 11 years ago

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Frequent Posters

aimf

@aimf

Voyager

Posted: 11 years ago

This is a brilliant piece that you have written. I like the "dear Abby style", and also the latent satire in the columnists advice to Sarita. The advice, while in itself completely unobjectionable, simultaneously reflects the societal mores, where the onus of carrying a successful marriage is falls primarily on the woman. I like the columnists advice to the husband also, where the appeal is made to his conscience.

Please tell me more of what you mean by you are at a crossroad --is it that you are deciding whether it is worthwhile to watch it or not, or do you mean something more specific about the writing itself?

On another note, If you wish to read another short pondering, here is the link:

https://www.indiaforums.com/forum/punar-vivaah-ek-nayi-umeed/3619585/broom-symbolism-in-todays-episode

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anonee

@anonee

Sparkler

Posted: 11 years ago

Originally posted by: aimf
This is a brilliant piece that you have written. I like the "dear Abby style", and also the latent satire in the columnists advice to Sarita. The advice, while in itself completely unobjectionable, simultaneously reflects the societal mores, where the onus of carrying a successful marriage is falls primarily on the woman. I like the columnists advice to the husband also, where the appeal is made to his conscience.

Please tell me more of what you mean by you are at a crossroad --is it that you are deciding whether it is worthwhile to watch it or not, or do you mean something more specific about the writing itself?

On another note, If you wish to read another short pondering, here is the link:

https://www.indiaforums.com/forum/punar-vivaah-ek-nayi-umeed/3619585/broom-symbolism-in-todays-episode

Thank you aimf 😊, When I wrote the piece - I wanted to lay out some of the issues I had with the serial.

Re: Crossroads

I meant deciding on whether to watch the serial. It is a bold theme - some of which is truly a bane in our society. There are too many Raj and Sarita hiding in our midst and inevitably it is the Saritas' who suffer while Raj behaves as he chooses. I would like the Rajs' of society to be exposed and the Saritas' to be empowered.

The Divyas of course go about destroying one family after another while claiming to be sacrificing. If Divya was truly that nice she should have sat down Raj and explained her family's financial need and together chalked out a plan. She would not have walked out of him and stayed away from him for 10 years. In addition, their affair was a secret she withheld from her family members too. Then when she comes back she leads Gaurav and ditches him at the mandap. Gaurav luckily is better adjusted and more mature than Raj - so he handled it well.

Now, Divya is playing with an emotionally broken Sarita. She is unable to promise that she will never marry Raj - so what does she do? Smartly make it appear as if she cannot bear the thought of Sarita's death (sic)! She lies to Sarita that the decision to not take the pheras with Gaurav in order to help Sarita gain Raj was a mutual decision between Gaurav and her. In reality she did so for her own selfish reasons to be with Raj. How low can Divya as the other woman stoop? She is worse than Raj's father's second wife! She is acting out a love for and interest in Sarita - and unfortunately Sarita is unable to see through her!

So in short, I cannot watch a TV serial that mocks at real life situations and dilemma. It goes against the principles I hold dear.

It is the pain and anguish of the Saritas' that made me write the 'dear abby' style piece.

Re: The broom analogy

I totally agree - it is a no-no to greet a guest with a broom in hand. (I did not watch this episode).

There is a third possible scenario in addition to the 2 you write in the "broom" piece. The third scenario is that by bringing Divya into Raj's life, Sarita provides him with he has been yearning. In doing so Raj and his family will see through Divya's shallowness. Divya thinks she owns Raj and get him to do what so ever she please. This will irritate Raj to no end because she will make him dance to her tune. In the end Raj will voluntarily choose Sarita over Divya and dump Divya. I kind of eluded to this in my piece when I adviced Sarita not to dissuade Raj from meeting, talking or being friendly with Divya.

Edited by anonee - 11 years ago

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aimf

@aimf

Voyager

Posted: 11 years ago

Thanks for the clarification, and for the added insight on the broom piece. I appreciate that you took the time to respond. I understand better what you mean by the crossroads. It is indeed a rather bold theme, which is still being built up right now. Perhaps partly because of this, the plot is raising a lot of dust. There were good number of posts in the forum as well, which I did not really read but I could see from the titles that people were (and may be continue to be) passionately divided about who they sympathised with, and which lady they wanted to end up with Raj. Are the CVs making a mockery of a situation that is all too close in life? I hope that is not the case, but that being said, we don't know the inner motivations of what drives a plot in the reel world. I bet that there are too many factors than what one reckons. Good day and om shantih.

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anonee

@anonee

Sparkler

Posted: 11 years ago

Originally posted by: aimf
Thanks for the clarification, and for the added insight on the broom piece. I appreciate that you took the time to respond. I understand better what you mean by the crossroads. It is indeed a rather bold theme, which is still being built up right now. Perhaps partly because of this, the plot is raising a lot of dust. There were good number of posts in the forum as well, which I did not really read but I could see from the titles that people were (and may be continue to be) passionately divided about who they sympathised with, and which lady they wanted to end up with Raj. Are the CVs making a mockery of a situation that is all too close in life? I hope that is not the case, but that being said, we don't know the inner motivations of what drives a plot in the reel world. I bet that there are too many factors than what one reckons. Good day and om shantih.

Aimf - I do not think I will watch this show. I deal too much with real life scenarios of women with emotional breakdown caused by men like Raj and their families.