OS: Echoes of the Diwali Night

Arnav watched her walk away, after yet another attempt to kiss her had failed.

Everything had been perfect. He had candles and roses and music to surround them.

He had just gifted her beautiful red ghagra choli, which she had shyly accepted and worn for him.

She was a vision even in the most mundane clothes. Today, in the colour of passion, in the beautiful bridal outfit he had gifted her, she looked ethereal and he was proud to acknowledge she was all his...His to love, cherish and possess.

The primitive male instinct had stirred in him as his heart had swelled with pride and love for the woman who was his wife in every sense of the word except the physical.

That thought, had him once again disturbed. Everything was perfect, except for that aspect of their marriage.

Well, he would do something about that tonight, he had wowed.

...

As he had held her in the circle of his arms, she had been terribly shy, with her eye downcast. He had drunk in the vision of his beautiful wife aroused in a passion that only he could evoke.

Mesmerized he had let his fingers trace the contours of her face and let it slide across to the pulse beating at the bottom of her beautiful neck.

His lips had followed the trail of his fingers and he had felt her quickening pulse. She shuddered with unmistakable anticipation and passion.

Taking courage in the fact that she was as aroused as him, his lips had made their way to her beautiful quivering lips. By now her eyes were closed and she was breathing heavily.

Slowly he kissed the corners of her lips. Suddenly, he felt her stiffen. Persistently he moved his lips towards her, only to find her turn her face away and pushing him away.

Stunned, he looked at her upturned face and tried to understand if it was shyness again which was creating this barrier. So, he slowly tried turn her face and tried to force her to look at him. But she had gone all stiff and refused to turn...just like the many times he had tried to kiss her and she had turned away.

'What is it Khushi? Does it give you pleasure that the great Arnav Singh Raizada is begging you for a kiss, is wooing you day and night for just a kiss? Does it make you feel good to reject me so many times? Does it make you happy that I am so hung up on you? Are you trying to tease me and prove your power? If so, you are succeeding,' he said harshly.

She stood mutely, which angered him all the more. 'Answer me dammit!' he shouted.

Tears streamed down her cheeks and she was unable to answer him. Frustrated and affected by her tears and yet angry at her confusing behavior, he stormed out, slamming the door as he went.

She winced at the sound and broke down. She tried each time to block her mind and respond to his kiss. She herself wanted it. She wanted to be his, body and soul. But each time, memories and fears blocked her mind and she pushed him away,

Her thoughts travelled back to the Diwali day...

The rain was lashing at the window pane and the whole world seemed to be crying with Khushi Kumari Gupta.

Her vacant eyes seemed to reflect the desolation of the streets.

Her aching heart seemed to echo as the thunder in the sky.

In the past few hours her life had changed.

Gone was the girl in the red sari lighting the diyas.

Gone was the sweet moment when Arnavji held her hand and got her out of the circle of Diyas

Gone was the magical moment when he had put the Payal on her ankle after twisting it better

Gone was the delirious moment of the almost kiss'

Gone was the confusion and heady feeling that Arnavji was going to kiss her...The lowly Khushi Kumari Gupta

All that seemed like a lifetime ago

What followed had the potential to feature in nightmares

The man for whom she had felt the first stirrings of desire

The man who had stirred the first womanly instincts within her,

The man who had dared to take the liberty of wanting to kiss her,

The man for whom her heart beat wildly and whom she had permitted to touch her and hold her and even kiss her,

Had announced in the next one hour he was getting engaged to someone else.

He had trivialized her and that beautiful moment, not even the next week or even the next day, but the very next hour.

He had told her 'Don't think that a rich man had embraced your anklet to his heart. That moment meant nothing to me,' and he had walked away.

She had waited on the doorstep, hoping he would come back and tell her that it was a lie...

That she meant something...anything to him. She had hoped he would say, he desired her, if not loved her.

The wait had prolonged. He never came...

And the feeling of being a rich man's object of lust and not love had slowly crept up and engulfed her. She had gone down in her own esteem. She had lost the ability to think that her innocence and her body was a precious gift that she could offer to the man of her dreams, because she felt it was a cheap offering that could be thrown back on her face.

That night of Diwali she had crawled into bed feeling cheap'and every night since then , when no one was looking to see if Khushi Kumari Gupta was smiling and dancing and making others happy with her silly antics, she let the tears fall. She let the fears take over. She let the doubts and anguish take over.

For days after that, whenever she met him, she had hoped who would refer to that moment, utter a word of apology. But it never came.

What had followed were a lot of 'farak padta hai' moments, when he had time and again told her she was the cheap tramp she considered herself. He had told her wordlessly, that Lavanya was worthy of him and not her.

There were moments of hope, when he had followed her to the temple and bandaged her finger, when he had been so loving to her during Jiji's Sangeet. In fact she had been sure he was in love with her.

But those hopes had shattered when he threatened her to marry him.

the fears had resurfaced after the contract marriage and all the days after it, when he had hated her very presence and treated her with hate.

And when he had accused her of having an affair with Shyam and called her characterless, the anguish of the Diwali night was intensified.

That day she truly felt that her body and her beauty were things to be hated and be ashamed of and the shame had grown

...

She came back to the present from the whirlpool of haunting memories.

Why did she still feel this way?

Had Arnavji not shown her in so many ways he loved her?

Had Arnavji not worshipped her with his eyes and lips?

Had Arnavji not trusted her fully despite Shyam's accusations?

Then why did she let the old fears and trauma cloud her brain and spoil their bond? Just why?

She had to do something about this if she had to move on with her life with Arnavji. And what better way than to tell him how she felt?

She would do this tonight even if it killed her.

...

When he came back he did not speak to her, though his anger had long ago left him. He could not stay angry with the woman he loved more than his life.

But the hurt stayed back as a dull throbbing ache.

She came towards him then and in her unique style, she threw her arms around him and wept like a child.

He continued to hush her with sweet whispers and his characteristic 'Shhh'.

'I am sorry Arnavji. I am so sorry I fail you each time', she cried.

'No Khushi. You can never fail me. I just don't understand your behavior. That is all. But I guess I have to be more patient and you need more time to accept this aspect of our relationship. But I am unable to resist you Khushi. What do I do about that?' he asked playfully flicking her nose.

'Arnaviji I want to tell you how I feel and perhaps you will understand,' she said and then went on to pour her heart, her fears, her anguish, her low self esteem, her opinion about herself.

...

At the end of it, Arnav was turned to stone, his heart squeezing painfully to think the scars he had inflicted on this child woman. The pain she had to endure due to his callous words and actions, which had been thrown at her to hid his own weakness.

Why had he done this? Why had he taken away her self esteem and her womanly pride?

...

He crushed her to his body, muttering 'I am sorry. I am so sorry. I never meant it. I was battling my love and attraction for you. I never meant to hurt you. I am truly not worth you Khushi. You deserve a man who worships you, body and soul, and not someone who uses you as punch bag for his ego and ruptures your soul. I think I should let you go Khushi,' he said in earnest.

He was taken by surprise when suddenly Khushi cupped his face and placed a long lingering kiss on his lips saying,

'By kissing you today, I have finally overcome my fears. Now I am yours without the barriers of the past.

And now you can kiss me every day. I can be quite a greedy wife,' she smiled into his troubled eyes.

...

Now she knew he was haunted by many fears too and she had to put them at rest. So, she said,

'You can break my hearts a thousand times Arnavji.

But each time my heart finds its way to you.

It beats only for you.

It aches only for you.

It smiles only when you smile.

I live only with the hope of a new day with you.

So, if I had a million hearts to give away, I would still give each one to you''

It was Arnav's turn to sweep her in his arms and drown his beautiful wife in kisses...

And these were as much kisses of passion as they were kisses of promises and lifelong devotion'they had indeed come a long way from the Diwali night...and the echoes of the Diwali night were hushed into oblivion