My Bittersweet Jalebi!!!----A Poem. - Page 4

Oh man, this is awesome!!! we have such talented souls on this forum!!!

Lovely poem Maris!!

Maris,

Wonderful poem. I loved how you used couplets to describe this couple, short and sweet, curt and courteous. Nicely done.

Life I lived in my own terms,

Chasing dreams and rainbows never I cared.

Rules were made, codes strictly adhered,

Hardened self withstanding choppy times and tempest.

Excellently contrasted, I loved the use of never cared and tempest at the end, for though they still hold true for them now it is very much different. Khushi never cared for people's opinions, neither does she now BUT yet new cares are forming around a person who has captured her heart. Arnav resilient against all tempests and still is now against the tufan that is Khushi and YET, he can not hide from those thuds now found within his heartbeat.

Blood thickened by sugar, a malady to endure forever.

I loved, JUST LOVED this tweaking of blood is thicker than water, that ties that we are born into are more substantial than those we form otherwise, for in truth are not our beloved destined to be a part of our lives, so therefore very much a part of our lives from the beginning. Here you add a very interesting notion, that his blood is thickened by sugar, so that all those others could never compete for there really is only one who is this sweet.

A malady...as some say love is, again subtle tweaking, wonderfully done.

Bitter side, always amplifying the permanence.

Just wonderfully composed lines. I loved how you juxtaposed two notions, creating that whirly twirly lines like a jabeli, one going this way and another that way and so forth.

Love to hate her but hate to love her.

Oft used line BUT you use it aptly so it doesn't seem hackneyed BUT snaps out in its sharpness. Finely done!

Eyes that twinkle and mock at my implacability.

Ah! If only she understood that the twinkle is from those dilated eyes that desire her, widened to let in as much light, to take in all her radiance.

Firm heart shattered by tender and softness.

Lovely line. I loved how you create that concept of him preparing defenses for those tempests and their harshness and being overwhelmed but something unimaginable the most gentlest breeze, as you said before, Like a whiff of fresh air, a silky Duppatta, Caressing & soothing the creases & wrinkles

My Bitter sweet Jalebi, full of zest

I loved, JUST LOVED, how you bring in her bitter sweetness. Just inspired use of zest! Excellently done.

Reasons and resolves dissolved into sugary nothing,

Regrets and bitterness eased into desire and quest.

Again, I loved the composition of these lines, the layout of the words. Consonance and assonance used skillfully. I liked how you keep with this bitter and sweet contrast of him and her BUT also within her and within him too.

A mixture of contrast; harsh and honey

A taste so unique; complex and lasting.

Harsh and honey, just sublime descriptions, inspired contrasts, wonderfully done. As you say so unique, something that he can't just disregard, fire or file away for there is not label that could contain her.

Maris, wondrous notions and well penned, as always, thanks for sharing, with much love, Sabah

Originally posted by: a little faith

Maris,

Wonderful poem. I loved how you used couplets to describe this couple, short and sweet, curt and courteous. Nicely done.

Life I lived in my own terms,

Chasing dreams and rainbows never I cared.

Rules were made, codes strictly adhered,

Hardened self withstanding choppy times and tempest.

Excellently contrasted, I loved the use of never cared and tempest at the end, for though they still hold true for them now it is very much different. Khushi never cared for people's opinions, neither does she now BUT yet new cares are forming around a person who has captured her heart. Arnav resilient against all tempests and still is now against the tufan that is Khushi and YET, he can not hide from those thuds now found within his heartbeat.

Blood thickened by sugar, a malady to endure forever.

I loved, JUST LOVED this tweaking of blood is thicker than water, that ties that we are born into are more substantial than those we form otherwise, for in truth are not our beloved destined to be a part of our lives, so therefore very much a part of our lives from the beginning. Here you add a very interesting notion, that his blood is thickened by sugar, so that all those others could never compete for there really is only one who is this sweet.

A malady...as some say love is, again subtle tweaking, wonderfully done.

Sweeter side slowly decreasing the transients,

Bitter side, always amplifying the permanence.

Just wonderfully composed lines. I loved how you juxtaposed two notions, creating that whirly twirly lines like a jabeli, one going this way and another that way and so forth.

Love to hate her but hate to love her.

Oft used line BUT you use it aptly so it doesn't seem hackneyed BUT snaps out in its sharpness. Finely done!

Eyes that twinkle and mock at my implacability.

Ah! If only she understood that the twinkle is from those dilated eyes that desire her, widened to let in as much light, to take in all her radiance.

Firm heart shattered by tender and softness.

Lovely line. I loved how you create that concept of him preparing defenses for those tempests and their harshness and being overwhelmed but something unimaginable the most gentlest breeze, as you said before, Like a whiff of fresh air, a silky Duppatta, Caressing & soothing the creases & wrinkles

My Bitter sweet Jalebi, full of zest

I loved, JUST LOVED, how you bring in her bitter sweetness. Just inspired use of zest! Excellently done.

Reasons and resolves dissolved into sugary nothing,

Regrets and bitterness eased into desire and quest.

Again, I loved the composition of these lines, the layout of the words. Consonance and assonance used skillfully. I liked how you keep with this bitter and sweet contrast of him and her BUT also within her and within him too.

A mixture of contrast; harsh and honey

A taste so unique; complex and lasting.

Harsh and honey, just sublime descriptions, inspired contrasts, wonderfully done. As you say so unique, something that he can't just disregard, fire or file away for there is not label that could contain her.

Maris, wondrous notions and well penned, as always, thanks for sharing, with much love, Sabah

Sabah

Awww Jalebis will never be the same again..