Astitva
T/W : Heavy emotions, Angst. Anyone with mental health issues, please be vary of the shot.
Exhaustion is a mighty word. Unlike it's synonym, 'Tiredness', it doesn't leave any place for hope for rejuvenation. It's an absolute end and to escape exhaustion, to get out of exhaustion, one needs a fresh start. A start, that'll not just uproot the exhaustion but also be the strength behind the gain of new momentum. A start that'll redefine your life and make sure this time, the definition stays like an impregnable fort.
She is exhausted. There is not an ounce of energy left in her shoulders anymore. There is not an ounce of strength left in her body, not an ounce of resilience in her mind and not an ounce of hope in her heart. Everything is dark and there seems to be no way out, no spark of brightness or a ray of light. No light at the end of tunnel
She is suffocated. Her lungs are working too painfully and the lump in her throat has been nothing but her constant companion since her marriage. Her heart is constricted too tight and seems to pump gallons of grief instead of blood through her body. Something in her wants to break out of this prison and fly away until she can't see the land of sorrow anymore. Everything is dark and her wings are broken, no gust of wind or a whiff of freedom.
She is tortured. Her mind is slowly seeping out of power and the low, painful thrum she felt through it, hasn't left her since she realised she's all alone in the world. Her conscience left her all alone to deal with herself because the blows she had been dealt with had robbed her of a second thought. Something in her mind wants to scream and say that she's a human and it hurts to exist. Everything is dark and her speech has been trampled upon and her throat, strangled until a single whimper would make her burst into flams.
She is broken. There is not a pinch of sensation in her limbs. There is nothing but numbness in her arms, 'feeling' having left them because of the boulder she's been carrying. There is nothing but heaviness and lead in her legs, the lightness having left them because of the path she has walked, the mountains she has climbed and thorns she has trampled on the way. Everything is dark and she wants the numbness to stay until she feels nothing, for she has no place to go and no home to live
She is horrified. There's not a strand of happiness. Glum is spreading slowly, but steadily like poison through her body. Her joy has vanished for it has sucked out of her because of all the fake smiles she put on her face. Her lips are doing nothing but bowing down, for she hasn't wantonly moved them upward in a long long time. Everything is dark and she greedily desires for happiness for she can't take anymore sorrow.
She is sobbing. There's nothing but tears in her body. Boulders on her shoulder, slowly crushing her under their weight. Tears have been her loyal companions for there's nothing else she can afford to lose or there's nothing more that she hasn't already lost. Her eyes are burning, for the torturous flame in her is all consuming and is finding space to come out through her eyes. Everything is dark but she hasn't closed her eyes. Her pain has blinded her and there seems to be no way to get her vision back.
She feels like screaming. She wants to curl into herself and not wake up until there's no more storm. She wants to go silent, just to see, if there's anyone in the world for whom, her voice matters. She wants to run away from everything and hide until her predators have lost her trail. She wants to stand straight and face the force, maybe see if it can break her completely. She wants to hide in a cupboard like a toddler and not come out until her parents come searching for her, for her present seems to be full of monsters. She wants to face her tormentor without any defence, maybe a complete defeat is what she needs. She wants to fly until she meets her mother and father, for the land is sucking her into it. She wants to stick to land, maybe completely sucked in, she might find her peace. She wants to hug someone tight and cry her heart out until there are no tears left, for a shoulder to lean on is all she needs. She wants to push away everyone and stand apart, for amidst the crowd she has lost herself.
She has lost her being and she can't find herself. She has lost her sanity but insanity seems to be a rather warm companion. She has lost smile and sorrow, to her, has been more loyal that what she lost. She has lost her joy, for the world found its enjoyment in killing her joy and burning it down to ashes. She has lost her direction and her journey has no destination, no home. She has lost her light but darkness is cozy and it is lulling her to sleep.
Sai Joshi's Astitva was trapped.
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A/N
I apologise for the too much angst. It's also short. I couldn't write anymore. The episode left me like that. Why did I even watch it after seeing "iss hafte" in the pre cap yesterday. Also, this show has made me too angsty. My professor mailed my research paper back saying "Dear Manjeera, the case you're dealing with should not affect the undertones of the paper you are writing and needs to have neutral/objective tone. Your paper has traces of angst and you need to correct it."
SO I have decided that I'll be writing the friendship series of Sai, Ajinkya and Aniketh - an extension of an OS I have written previously. But I need help. Because I have no idea what happens in a med school. Law school, I can write. I know nothing about med school activities or how students actually behave in a med school or how the whole med school culture functions. So if there's any med student, could you maybe give me some pointers that'll help me imagine a med school life for these three.
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
Anupamaa
