Chapter 79

" People I have discovered, are layers and layers of secrets, you believe you know them, that you understand them, but their motives are always hidden from you, buried in their own hearts, you will never know them, never fully, but you decide to trust them"

-Beatrice (Tris) Prior (The Divergent Series)

Song: Everything I Do

(Note: This song has been repeated twice during the entire chapter)

Driven. The oxford dictionary that rested untouched on the left hand corner against the black railing of his book shelf, said in clear words its literal meaning and he recalled motivated or determined by a specified factor or feeling' or in an alternative meaning relentlessly compelled by the need to accomplish a goal'. In his case, he was pretty sure there wasn't any clear distinction as to which category was his 'driven' categorized as, but the idea behind it was however as clear as could be; right now at this moment, he was driven a thousand times more than he was 3 weeks ago, in fact if he knew best this was the best 'driven' he had ever been subjected to.

Right now, as the Physics class boringly dragged on, and his sight after every minuscule second lingered on to the immobile wall clock above the white board, he let out a silent curse towards the incompetent management of the school that had been bringing out the worse in him lately. Talking about lately, nothing had been right, more precisely everything was the way he had never really expected. But then, that was not something he was foreign to; at least not now. Not after half a year and probably more of this repeated situation, he was surprisingly assumed to gel in well, but as far as he was concerned that was just an assumption, he was far from anything but gelling in'.

Though, if he was to play the blame game at this moment, he certainly knew the most logical victim to target.

Khushi Kumari Gupta.

Maybe this was merrily co incidence or a supposed play of destiny' which he failed to believe rationally correct, but the moment he murmured the name to himself, from somewhere in a voice that was not his own, the name was said a lot more loudly and clearly, the whole class turning towards her seat, while next to him his best friend turned his head in his direction looking at him with an astutely concerned expression.

"Are you alright?" Karan asked him his tone somewhat farther away in a world more deeper than he was physically present in, causing Arnav to raise a questioning eyebrow at him, both out of annoyance and curiosity.

"I don't see why I shouldn't be." He replied back curtly, however distantly vague tone, trying to feign an expression of complete ignorance, but the way Karan's gaze seem to be boring into him, all his attempts were appearing so futile, he was beginning to doubt his very role as the main lead actor of the schools most important play.

"WHAT?" Arnav craned his neck at such an immeasurable speed, Karan was momentarily stunned for a second before stepping back into reality, his gaze not flinching still appearing as dead beat as ever.

"Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?" Karan asked in a mechanical tone, drawing the worst taken aback expression Arnav could manage, and looked at him narrowly with eyes that were no more than slits his nose flaring into what gave his face a Voldemort' look.

"I assume combing my hair and dressing up is a feat I can't really accomplish without a mirror." He replied in mock sarcasm, much to his surprise receiving no real expression from Karan who was still looking at him robotic-ally. There were sharp moments of silence between them just now, which he had utilized in trying to know why Khushi's name had been called, apparently as he found out, for sleeping in the middle of the lecture, which did not surprise him at the very least it only left him with the urge to laugh and more overpowering feeling like worry to dwell upon. She looked like she had had a fresh beating up before coming to school, a state she seemed to sport every single day now, her eyes seemed to be half dead most of the times, and as he recalled while dancing, probably it was the only time he felt like she was alive, other times, accurately she was a living dead.

"You are much paler these days than I have ever seen you, and it just gets worse every day. Your body seems to have slackened, and you have lost a bit too much weight than a healthy guy would really want to. (Arnav diverted his attention how to Karan that was looking at him with a dead serious expression) Arnav do you realize the direct implications of all this?" Karan asked now, his tone wavering slightly as if he was about to reveal something that he had sworn not to ever spill. Arnav studied the expression on his face carefully, his eyebrows now thoroughly raised at Karan who had, he had noticed, caught a quick glance of Khushi, who was half alert in the class, her head toppling on Viveks shoulder over and over again, the poor guy trying to put her up straight.

"They have backups for you guys. (Arnav stills thoroughly) If you and Khushi continue to look like this, they will have to consider sacking you two. In fact, (Unsurity marked in Karans voice) They would definitely give you away, if this goes on any longer. Atleast Khushi's dancing up to the standards." Karan told him plainly, a distant dread and concern etched up on his face, which Arnav had recognized, showing signs of rage erupting within him.

"Since when do they have back up's? Who are the back up's?" Arnav asked in a tone higher than he wanted to, diverting the attention of the few people that were sitting around him, Karan shooting him a vexed look, as he shot a murderous look at all of them getting back to what they were doing, his eyes now all on Karan, who seemed to be working on whether to divulge the names or not.

"Roger Lewis and Eve Davis." Karan said finally, and Arnav's eyes seemed to dilate for just a second but then went back to looking like it was all normal, like nothing of this matters.

"This is absurd. Gupta and me have been working our butts off for this play and they can just sack us because we look tired? That's like telling Robert Downey. Jr that he can't be iron man because he has circles under his eyes! Its them bloody idiots, who have made us look like that how is it our fault?"Arnav shouted out in a low whisper ironically enough managing the state perfectly, his hands shaking with the tremor his fury gave him.

"Arnav. (Coming closer to Arnav) It is not that. You and Khushi are a pair because of the chemistry you two have. And if you guys lose that, this play is a bummer. (Karan's gaze more stoned) And you guys are losing it. They way you look, the way she looks, the way you seem disintegrated, is not because of the dance and the physical strain on your body, it is the mental strain. You are working yourself up over it man. And you know it. (Arnav is about to retort) Like hell you do. You have done much worse Arnav. This is about you and her. *pause* Save it before it's too late. TALK." Karan said intensely, his jaw set, and eyes firmly trained on Arnav who was just about getting the idea of the seriousness of the situation. His face lingered away from Karan to Khushi, who was just leaving the class with Vivek, in fact everybody except him and Karan who were intact in their seats, were rushing out of the class boringly gossiping to themselves.

"What about? I have already tried. Tried to make her see sense, into wearing that dress but she wont budge, she has just resorted to ignoring me. Even Vivek has tried, but she's stubborn as anything, and if she isn't listening to him I don't see what I can do about this now." He said in a reproachful tone, in his mind remembering the countless times he had tried convincing Khushi to wear the dress, all these three weeks, but she was adamant on not wearing it, and whatever he had said or did somehow made it much more worse, until they were at the point as Karan said, of losing it.

"First of all, just get over it! If she doesn't want to wear it, then don't force her to. She probably has a good reason for not doing so, (Arnav is about to argue) We aren't getting into discussing that now Arnav, you already agreed that you were wrong about it and everything. Just get past it now. Both of you." Karan told him what was a strong headed, visually clear thought, and though Arnav had already pondered over this last week, what Karan did not know, and he couldn't tell was of Vivek's disease that had been constantly getting in the way. Only last week he had slipped out a dire comment that had cost him almost everything with her, getting into a savagely dirty argument with her.

Her chest heaved up and down, beads of sweat trickling down her forehead as she sat on the bench, mopping the sweat off her neck, now proceeding towards the sweat on her forehead, and after she was done keeping the towel next to her, she leaned back into the wall behind her and rested her back against it, closing her eyes in brief silence, unaware that Arnav was observing every movement of her's very carefully.

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me.

Khushi's expression shifted into one of relieving the bodily tension from her muscles, but after sometime they were the usual expression that it would get contorted into like a bad memory had just hit her. Her features would draw themselves in giving her a zombie look, the red color from her cheeks vanishing, leaving only a thin trace of their existence. Arnav had been wondering to ask her about it, to have her talk to him, but somehow he never really managed to talk to her, today however he had the sudden urge to ask her about it, which had basically compelled him now to take long swift strides towards her and throwing the towel off the bench on the floor, he took his seat next to her, her eyes fluttering open as if she had already felt his presence next to her, the very next moment his hand resting on her bare shoulder.

"Just a few more minutes Arnav, then we can start again." Khushi told him, straightening herself a bit, but he pressed a hand on her shoulder stilling her movements, causing her to look at him bewildered.

"I thought you might want to talk about it." Arnav said in a calm soothing voice, his gaze locked with hers that seemed to anxious as if unsure of what he was talking about, but having had caught the inclination in his words she threw off the guard she had up, revealing the distraught look that she had been masking since forever. He sat their patiently waiting for her to make up her mind, which well for him looked like a million years now.

"I..I..am just worried. (looking at him directly) About Vivek." She said finally, inching towards him now because if she didnt she might collapse because of the internal strain on her mind, which was correctly reflecting on her body well.

"Why?" He asked her imitating curiosity, though he knew just better to test his acting skills in a situation like this. But for what it was worth he really couldn't see how he was supposed to avoid this situation now that he had pleasantly walked into it himself.

"I feel you would know better than to act." Khushi taunted vaguely, taking him off guard, not at all having been prepared for this statement. So she really wasn't kidding when she said she could read his mind and see through him. How convenient. Knowing nothing to give as a reply he kept silent, looking away from her, retreating his hands from her shoulder but she had already caught it before he kept it on his thigh and was enclosing it with her own. Moving more closer, tired she kept her head on his shoulder, briefly closing her eyes then opened them again, her tone depressed and feverish.

"He should tell me what is wrong with him. Its been two weeks now. I don't understand what is so critical that I cannot be trusted with it. (looking up at Arnav who is burning red) You have seen him too Arnav. You have talked to him Arnav. Do you know anything? (lifting her head off and enclosing both of his hands into hers) Please Arnav. Please." Khushi said in a down right pleading tone, her entire form looked like it would be a mess moments from now, but Arnav knew he would be subjected to this situation somehow or the other. This was more dreadful than he had intercepted, he had dared not to look up into her eyes in fear of giving the secret away that he had been safeguarding for over a month now.

"I don't know Khushi. (Khushi does not remove her expression, still looking at him hopefully) I swear to my life I don't know anything." He said finally, not sure how he had gotten to the point of swearing now, that was typically main stream of stupid guys to do so, but then he knew Khushi was under the impression that he loved nobody more than himself, and until a few months ago he had the same idea, but now things had changed, he no more cared about himself. The radical change in Khushi's expression told him she had believed him, for the first time he was thankful to the swearing traditions, maybe next time he wondered he would have to try the pinky promise' skill as well.

"I just thought you did. (her voice far away) The way you two have been getting along together..is just quiet honestly weird. (Arnav looks at her oddly) I am not complaining..I have always wanted that to happen..but I can't help feeling awkward about it." She countered back in a highly troubled tone, but after a few minutes kept her head back on his shoulder, looking far off and away.

"Gupta, (moving her head away from him, cupping her face in his hands) He's going to be fine. Maybe he needs his space, and time to confide in you. (Khushi is about to argue) I know it sounds senseless, but you shouldn't rule out any possibility. Take my word for this, if there was anything wrong with him he would tell you before any one else, (in a tone only audible to him) at least if the situation was under control." Arnav managed to tell her in the most convincing voice that he believed was his own inner talent, and after a few moment of blanketing his thoughts and looking at her with shady eyes she rigidly nodded, speaking no more. There were considerable silent moments between them, which subsided as she suggested resuming practice.

"Gupta. I don't think you are up for dancing today. Let's drop it for now and continue tomorrow." He said concerned, his hand tightly holding hers, she getting up from her seat, and he let go off her hand but seeing her stumble, as if she was dizzy he held her tightly by the waist, her head automatically falling on his shoulder.

"I am up for anything that you are. (Arnav is about to argue) That includes acting like we never had the conversation before" Khushi said stiffly, as the hold of his hands on her waist loosened, his body inching away from hers as hers unnoticbly winced with the loss of contact, and his expression darkened a few inches too much, a very clear indication of the anger and frustration rising inside him.

"Khushi you are unbelievably petty! I get that he's your best friend and I get that you are worried about him and that he hasn't told you whats up with him, but that's a problem between you and him. I don't get why you have to pick up on me for it! As for your vague assumptions of me knowing something well even if I did, which I don't, I wouldn't tell you because its his thing to tell not mine! Honestly what part of giving him some time do you not get Khushi?" He was shouting now, like literally his voice was raised up to more than a few octacles, losing his calm utterly and completely, the echo of his booming argument surrounding them engulfing them in this tight air of hostility. Khushi looked at him wordlessly, studying his expression, the way his nostrils flared and his chest seem to be rising and falling at an abnormal speed. She had never seen him so angry, which was surprising, since he was always angry, but right now he looked like he was herculean angry. The implication of him using her first name and stringing up a long essay of a conversation was enough proof for that.

"Oh I get that part Arnav. I get it very well. You were the one who asked me what's wrong, and I told you so. You really shouldn't be complaining Arnav. Not all my conversations and thought processes revolve around you. Infact really I don't see why ANY of my thought processes have ever revolved around someone as selfish as you!" Khushi replied in a measured highly controlled voice, a voice that was devoid of any emotion, most likely an intense mixture of the trillions of emotions that now consumed her heart and mind.

Search your heart, search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more.

"So I am selfish eh? I have been looking out for you all this while, been worried sick about you all the time, and you say I am selfish? Great Going Khushi! Great going Khushi Kumari!" He snapped at her, standing tall and rigid, the vein in his forehead throbbing wildly as he tried to calm his senseless nerves down, but hadn't it been for that quick flicker of hurt that passed her face mingled with astonishment, he didn't think anything, any sedater would calm him down.

"I didn't tell you to care, or look out for me. Or do anything for me for that matter. Thankyou anyway Arnav. I am eternally grateful to you." She said shortly turning her back at him, still recovering from the snub; of him calling her with her first name repeatedly, not even saying her last name, her last name which was the dearest endearment she would hear for herself when said by him.

"Why won't you wait Khushi?" He said slowly, controlling the anger inside that threatened to permanently engulf him, taking brief pauses between his words, so that his message was delivered clearly, and gave the desired impact. She turned around looking at him impassively positively silent, as she suddenly escaped into her ten year old form again, the question reminding her of the court room hearing of her parents divorce and how her mother's lawyer had asked her the same question, when she had began to leave his office after getting some book from him for which she had constantly bugged him for, but now she realized, his question had held a connotative meaning. It wasn't just the book he was referring to, he was asking also about how quick she was at running away with her mother completely ignorant about her dads side of the story. 7 years later, here she was being asked the same question and she was speechless yet again. She wanted to say what she had all those years ago, but now those words seemed the work of a simple minded ten year old.

"Because he's waiting for me. (Arnav raises an eye brow at her) Vivek. He is waiting. (to herself) Like Maa had all those years ago. But I never came back to her. Not fully. Never fully. Now I have to. He is waiting for me." She blabbered on aimlessly to herself, but Arnav had heard her, as he tried to touch her but she shrugged him off back to the fearless girl she had been forced to become.

"Don't touch me Arnav. I don't need your sympathy. I don't need anyone's sympathy. If you wont tell me, I will ask Vivek again. If he doesn't tell me, I will ask his parents. I will ask Vishaka too if it's necessary. Someone must know." She mused on the topic to herself, as Arnav silently stood in front of her, despite himself pitying her.

"Nobody knows Gupta. Please wait. That's the only way you won't disappoint him." Arnav warned her yet again, but had been treated with a deaf ear once again, as she quickly walked away, but stopped just when she was one step away from the exit.

"You don't say shit Raizada, you don't say shit!" She snapped at him raspily, her eyes finally beginning to water, but having the grace to let go only when she had slammed the door behind her and had headed straight for the washroom. For all she knew, she had to leave and let him figure him self out, trusting him and burdening her troubles on him was a mistake after all. Her heart cracking just a little bit, or so she admitted to herself, whatever of it had been mended that is to say, to realize he wasn't even going to stop her from running.

"Gu..Khush..God Damnnit!" Arnav yelled into the empty room that now much too later for her to hear, the room now only holding his highly troubled mind and extremely tensed body as in quick swift movements he chucked in his belongings inside his ruck sack and went the other way to where she had turned, slamming the door hard behind him.