Song: Yaariyan

( A must listen)

She walked the length of the corridor, hugging her cardigan to herself, the winter breeze tickling her sensory neurons. It felt weird that only, two days ago she was roaming around freely in sleeveless t-shirts, and now she was tightening the muffler continuously around her neck so that the winter chill would not get to her. Yesterday had been a blur of several events, coming back home after the field trip, seeing her mother overjoyed after what had been years of treachery, her life wouldn't have appeared to be more perfect. But she knew there was something missing, and that is what she had spent the rest of the day on, pondering over it in circles, so that right now, walking in the chilly corridor of the Stanford Campus she knew exactly what she was supposed to do.

Winter was her favorite season. She loved everything about it, from the pure white snowflakes, to Jack Frost whispering into her ears, the shivers, the hot chocolate, sipping coffee, wrapping herself in blankets and then getting absorbed in reading a good book. But this winter, would be the best winter of her life, if everything went out the way she thought it would, if all the plans that she had devised in her head yesterday would turn out successful. Then she would begin a new phase of life, a phase that she was relatively foreign to, and yet the thought of it made her all the more excited.

A large smile pasted on her face, she entered the classroom, where Vivek was already there, sitting on his regular seat, the seat next to hers. Khushi took her seat, keeping her bag on the tiled floor, her fingers doubling up when they accidently touched the cold tile of the floor. All this while Vivek was looking at her curiously, waiting for her to tell him something, he knew she had something on her mind, the look on her face told him that, he just hoped it was not what he thought it was.

"I am going to do it today." She said, her voice bursting with excitement, eyes glinting with happiness, as she locked her eyes with him, the confused pair of eyes that seemed haunted with the possible thing she was implying on doing.

"Do what?" He asked her trying to show more surprise in his voice, then fear for what he thought was most certainly a decision that she was positive about.

"Propose him." She blurted out, not hesitating at all, as if it was the most natural thing on Earth, and a few stares did get directed her way, causing Vivek to hush her down and keep their conversation only to a reserved tone of the two of them.

"Wh..why? Why do you want to do it? Why can't you just wait for him to do it?" Vivek reasoned out, his worst fears coming true, and somehow he just wanted to convince her not to do it, he knew what Arnav's reaction would be. It didn't take much figuring out, how he knew, it was obvious, he was a guy, no one knew a guy's reaction better than another guy.

"Well, I don't see the problem behind me doing it. (Vivek raises his eyebrows) Fine I am a girl, and this is against the society's normal patterns, but then who says we need to abide by it? Who says we can't change it? I want him, it really does not matter if I say it to him, or he says it to me, it's the same thing. Plus I figured out, that its no use hiding it from him anymore. He probably thinks I am nuts, after all the nonsense I put up at the field trip, and before it gets any worse I should put an end to it, and let him know everything clearly." Khushi explained her view, self-satisfied with what she had said, that is what she had put up in her head, the thoughts that had convinced her of her eventual decision, she was dead sure if she was convinced anybody would be, however she was wrong, Vivek was far from convinced.

"You are not doing anything of that sort." Vivek said after some time, his voice rigid, and there was a slight tension in his voice, as if he had seen a bad forecast and was already preparing for the eventual to happen.

"Why?" She asked him puzzled, her mind too blurred with other thoughts to figure why he would want to object her idea when there were possibly no loop holes of what so ever that she found in them.

"Because I am telling you not to. Isnt that enough?" he almost growled, wanting to flee away from the whole thing, so he didn't have to act so hard, but she wasn't going to let away with this that easily, this was a life changing moment and she had made a decision, she had to know why he opposed her decision.

"Its not. (A hollowness creeps into Viveks eyes) This is a big decision of my life, a life changing moment. And here you are my best friend, is telling me to back out without giving me a reason as to why. That's not done Vivek. (her tone stubborn) That is so not done. You have to give me a reason." She insisted now on getting the reason out of him, which most certainly was now troubling her, and disrupting the very easy going flow in her mind. She had made a decision and she was positive about it, now suddenly he objected, and refused to tell her why, as much as she wanted to block it out, seeds of doubt had started growing in her mind.

Alvida yaara alvida, Ho rahe tumse hum judaa
Le chalein saare ghum tere, Khush rahe yaara tu sadaa

(Goodbye friend, goodbye, I am getting parted from you

I talk away with me all your sorrows, may you stay happy forever)

"Look Chun I don't want you to get hurt. Think about it again, you'll know what went wrong." Vivek almost said in a pleading tone, keeping his hand on her arm, but she shrugged it away looking at him in an exasperated way.

"I have thought enough. I have considered every possible angle of it, and there is no space for any more consideration. I don't find anything wrong, so you may as well tell me why you object it." Khushi said in a determined, expressionless tone, her eyes now narrowing down curiously, to study the trouble stricken face of Vivek who was fighting an inner battle to protect her from the harsh truth and yet convey his message. His eyes were making contact with her time and time in hope that she would get his message, and he wouldn't need words to express it, but nothing of that sort was happening, she had already laid a black curtain in front of her eyes, that did not let his thoughts pass through.

"Vivek? Why don't you want me to do it? There must be some reason. I know. I believe in you, I believe in your instincts, and I know you have a good reason to object my decision. I want to know that reason Vivek Please. You have to let me know." Her voice was now falling down to barely a whisper, scared and ghostly, wanting that assurance to boost up her confidence, but Vivek seemed blank, and studied her face for a long time before saying anything.

"Chun. Listen to me. I don't know how to make you understand, it's a guy thing. It's a society thing. When girls propose, it means they are rushing it, and guys like Arnav they don't approve of it. They don't. I know that, because I am a guy, I wouldn't have approved of it if I was him." Vivek said in a mild tone, trying to keep the troubling emotions inside him at bay, and be calm in the way he always was, because this situation required the most of it. But the more he saw the flinch in Khushi's expression the more he knew, his point hadn't been delivered.

"But why? I am not rushing it. I don't understand, why does it matter who does it? It's the same thing. I am surprised you feel this way about his reaction, when his own best friend, when Karan is very positive about his reaction. Wouldn't he know better?" Khushi put her point forward, Viveks words not convincing her, just like her explanation had gone no where near to convincing him. A silence prevailed between the two, as Vivek led the emptiness seep into him, and the mention of Karan sink into his comprehension. So Karan knew, about it, before he did. Just like Arnav knew about her father before he did.

"You talked to Karan about it?" he asked her, his breathe constricting within him now as she nodded, and all other thoughts flew out of his head, all he could think, was her, and her choices. Her choosing somebody else for her secrets, over him. Once again.

"About here FATHER?" he asked him in a highly astonished tone, his eyes wide as pot holes, aware of the fact that how much Khushi hated to talked about her father. She had never told him why she did so, and here suddenly sat someone who she hated or loved or whatever, telling him that he wanted to tell about her father.

"Yeah. Don't over react, just listen" Arnav said in a rowdy kind of voice, and quickly refreshing everything that she had said in his mind to him earlier he told Vivek everything of whatever he knew, ignoring his wide eyed stares in between and all the questions that he kept popping out of no where. Vivek who was too shocked by the end to even say something was clutching the wheel of the car so tightly, the rubber around it was cutting through the skin on his fingers.

"He knew before me." Vivek said in a barely audible tone, after quite some while, taking Khushi a while to actually grasp what he was saying. Before she could even say anything, or put forward an explanation, the blood had seeped inside Vivek's brain and was going to result in something that rarely happened- he was loosing control, he was bloody angry right now.

"He knew before me. Isnt that amazing Chun? He knew before me. (his voice raising) That friggin Karan knew before me! Its always everybody over me isn't it Chun? (his finger pointing at her) Every single time its someone over me. (his voice lowering down into a curt whisper) First you tell Arnav about your father, when it should have been me you should have told. Fine, I let that go. It was Arnav and I could understand, you were infatuated or whatever by him, you were emotional, you needed support, I wasn't there for you. My fault. Fine. But this time its not like that.This time you are emotional, but am I not frigging here? Am I not by your side now?, Seriously, Karan? Who is he? No wait isn't that the wrong question? Its not important, who Karan is to you, what am I to you? Anybody at all? A third person you just like calling your best friend?" Vivek rattled with anger, standing up from his seat, drawing attention to himself but he hardly cared for what others had to think, he was too consumed up with bitterness and fury casting a shadow over his thought processes. Khushi sat frozen to her seat, his reaction way beyond her perception. She had not even the slightest hint, the slightest idea, that telling Karan before him would instigate such rough feelings within Vivek, she had absolutely no idea.

"It's obviously not like that Vivek. I dare say such a thought would ever even cross my mind. You know how special you are to me. I just told him because he's his best friend and he would know better, I was going to tell you anyway, you know that. I cant keep things from you." Khushi said desperately, but anybody could see that Vivek was hurt, it looked like he had been stabbed right in the heart with a sharp knife, the cut growing more gruesome and painful with every passing second.

"Well I don't see my importance in your life, when clearly you choose everybody over me. It doesn't matter whatever reason you went to Karan for, we could have done it together couldn't we? Gone to him and asked him about this thing?" Vivek said tartly, blood pounding into his head more ferociously, it was only a matter of time when he would let go of the vault, through his eyes. Khushi stared at his cynical figure in surprise, not believing if it was really her best friend, or a clone of him. She didn't know this part of him before, because in reality she had never seen this him, before.

"Vivek you are being utterly irrational now! What is the big deal about letting Karan know first? What is the hell big deal? (realization dawning up on her) Wait. Wait. Wait. This is not about Karan. This is not about him knowing. That is about Raizada. You never have approved of it. You never liked the idea of us together, isn't this the problem eh Vivek? Am I not right?" Khushi said now her own tone turning edgy and caustic, her words striking Vivek's fresh wounds yet again, and he stood up doubling back from her, the few students in their classroom now multiplying, all of them curiously watching the two pair of them. Their friendship was not a secret to anybody at Stanford, everybody knew of their bonding, this was the first time they had seen the two get into such a fierce racket. Vivek's eyes had turned like black expressionless beads now, him unbelievingly staring at her quivering form, which had accused him of something that hadn't even occurred to him in his wildest thoughts.

"True. I didn't give a shit about him until you came. I use to think he was a ruthless, self-obsessed arrogant brainiac who knew nothing about being social. But I give a shit about him now, and I always will because he means a lot to you, and you mean a lot to me. If I didn't like the idea of him and you, I swear I wouldn't have let him (making a supposed distance with his fingers) this near you. (Taking a deep breathe, Khushi speechlessly gaping) But you know what? Who am I telling all this too? To a girl who is blinded by love? To a girl who prefers the whole world over the guy she calls her best friend? Fine Khushi Fine. I wish you luck for what you have to do, but listen me out, loud and clear, in the end it will still be me against the whole world. I'll say what I think is best for you. I know, you have made your choice. The world. Cool. Wishing you the best of luck, because it won't work, what you think, what everybody thinks wont work, not this soon, he'll break you, if knows what is good for the two of you, he'll break you." Vivek burst out, in a dangerously thunderous, resentful tone, tearing his eyes away from her, the crowd of people clearing away to give him space, Khushi under an acrimonious trance that was getting the better of her.

"Okay. If that's what you want then okay. When we are together, a couple, you'll know you were wrong in judging, (taking long pauses between the next three words) You will know." She blasted out right at him, her legs shaking with anger, body trembling with what had been a savage fight between the most important person of her life, on the most important day.

"Nobody will be more happier than me, to know that I was wrong about this." He stated in a rustic tone, his words echoing in the chillingly silent class, as he disappeared out of sight, rushing the length of the corridor to seclude himself into a place where only him and his fears could live. Khushi slumped into her chair, her pulse rate erratic, and closed her eyes tight, letting tears of fear travel down her cheeks, while the other students quietly took their place inside the class, their eyes never lifting off her tear strained, fragile face.

Tumse bhi zyaada hongi, Ab yaadein pyaariyan
Hum dono ki hain, Apni apni lachaariyan

(More than you our memories will be cherished

Both of us, have our own problems)

***************************************************

The Home Economics class had ended, and as the teacher walked out, Khushi shortly followed, looking breathlessly at Vivek's empty seat wondering where he would be, but the more she thought of that, the more her thoughts became filled with grief and uncertainty, the very things that she had planned to avoid. Blocking the thought of him from her mind, a misery settling already deep somewhere in her heart and brain, she took measured steps along the entire corridor, aware of the hushed tones and prying eyes that were trained on her, but she didn't bother about them just right now. She managed to plaster a smile on her face despite what had happened and eradicate the grim look away, because somewhere she was confident when she and Arnav would step out as a couple, all would be good. No more hushes, no more prying eyes, they would be official and Vivek would know that for once he was wrong.

Her pace quickened, as the previous thought of her proposal took over her thoughts, and that excitement rushed into her body, generating adrenaline that kept her going, passing by the girls washroom, but then retreated her steps back, quickly checking on to her face, and if her eyes looked puffy of any sort, not as to leave any bad impression on Arnav, when she was saying the most right and important things to him. Satisfied with the way she was looking she hurriedly left the bathroom, the erry whispering of the girls annoying her and made her way directly to the locker room, where she knew he would be. It was Monday, and their first periods were of different subjects. He had opted for Human Sciences instead of Home Economics, and even though she favored his choice more, it was only her mother's insistence that she had taken Home Economics. Her mind drifted off to thinking about Vivek again and how he had told her once during a home economics' class, that he had taken that as a subject, because he was aiming to be an ideal husband in future. She had laughed her heart out then, and commented on his stupid thinking, teasing him about it all the time from that point. Suddenly, the threat of her eyes going puffy thinking about him, entered her head and she immediately let go of his thoughts, entering the locker room, her heart heavy yet filled with hope for the best.

Most certainly he was there with Karan only around, discarding un needed books into the locker, while Karan waited for him to get done. Karan's eyes freely wandered and he smiled a huge smile seeing Khushi enter, Khushi forcing a smile of her own. She blinked her eyes twice, the gesture evident about what she was going to, and Karan giving a hushed excuse went away from the place, whispering a hurried good luck to her. She casually smiled, even though she was forcing every bit of it, and closing her eyes tight just once, swallowing the rising lump in her throat, she walked towards, her heart and mind set on just one thing.

Ab hanste hanste tum pe
Le khushiyaan vaariyaan (vaariyan..)

(Now smiling on you

All my happiness is all for you)

Arnav was done keeping the books in his bag, and closed the locker, slipping the key inside his pocket, and turned surprised to find Khushi standing there waiting for him to get done.

"What are you doing here?" he asked her surprise, not at all aware of what had gone past between her and Vivek, or of what was going on her head, but his mind had immediately started producing numerous thoughts.

"I wanted to talk to you. (Taking a deep breath) I want to tell you something." She said, mustering up all her courage, which instead of increasing was hanging at a point where everything would come crumpling. Vivek had messed up all of her agenda, and she felt like cursing him for that, but she didn't have the heart to do say, she would never have the heart to do that.

"Here?" Arnav asked her surprised of her choice of location and she immediately nodded, now his thoughts pacing up all the more as to what she had to tell. He could feel sweat beads forming on his forehead, and the serious look on her face, was troubling him all the more.

"So..erm..I wanted to say..that I have been kinda weird lately, and you must be wondering why. So..its like on the field trip..I realized something. (Taking a deep breathe, collecting her words) I really like you.." she said finding this confession thing a lot more harder then she believed it would be, but more astonishing was the way Arnav had reacted, he had cut her short, not even letting her complete her sentence.

"But I don't." he said point blankly, no round about no circles, he had figured it out, seconds before she had started speaking it, this was going wrong, way more wrong, he had stop it right here, before everything got damaged beyond repair.

"Excuse me? I am not done yet." She said, her mind now succumbing to the fear that had been breeding inside her ever since her fight with Vivek, that horror now registering into her brain, but she was trying her best to defeat it, to let it not conquer over her hopes, she wanted to keep hope, because she knew there was some hope. She knew. There was a silent prayer that she was saying inside her heart, a prayer to let her hope live, to prove Vivek wrong, she was praying more desperately now, more and more desperately, as he cast a foreign look towards her.

"You don't have to..dont complete it. I don't like..you..that way..like.." Arnav was literally stammering with words now, he didn't know how to handle the situation, for the first time he didn't know what to do, she had left him speechless, he knew this couldn't happen. That much was clear to him, but it was complicated, how would he put it across to her, that broken expression on her face, her lose hands, vary face, kept stinging him hard, the puffy look appearing in her eyes made him want to earth himself alive, but nothing of that sort was going to happen, he was not moving, she was not moving, they were just staring at each other in despair, both pleading in their own way to understand each other's misery, but this, this had taken the road to destruction already.

"He was right. He was right. (tears falling down her eyes) . He was right." She kept chanting this phrase to herself like it was a phrase that would take all her pain away from her, but none of this was going anywhere, the pain, it was increasing, it was becoming unbearable it was eating up her insides like a leech sucking the blood out of her. Without any notice, ripping her eyes away, she turned around, her slumped back shivering, her legs barely capable of holding her weight any more. She felt damaged, devastated, lost and guilty.

nav_bat2013-01-11 07:36:42