3. A Sacred Desire

5 days ago

manjiri

@m4manju

Originally published on 27 July 2023

About this scene: Khushi had already refused shyam's marriage proposal once but eventually accepted on buaji's emotional manipulation. Meanwhile, she had also finished her job of training Lavanya to be an ideal Raizada bahu, the Raizadas bid her farewell, and she and Arnav had a fight (duh-uh!) while parting ways. This scene takes place just after that, where Arnav-Khushi exchange rings (almost!). (Epi S3-E43 on Hulu/Hotstar, Ep143 otherwise)

Click here to watch ArShi scene

--~--

So, this was it. This was really the end of it, no more visiting the Raizada house where she felt an odd sense of belonging, no more reveling in the warmth of kind-hearted Raizadas like Naniji who always showered her with motherly affection, and definitely no more seeing him, the one and only, Arnav Singh Raizada!!! She had seen him for the last time today, she would never meet him again, she knew, and she was relieved about it.

However, the strange thing was even after all that, she was finding it hard to close that "supposedly nightmarish" chapter from her life and look forward to another "supposedly happy" one, that was her impending engagement with Shyamji! Why did it feel like it was the exact opposite? Why was her intuition telling her to stop and run back into the waiting arms- well, ok, not waiting but angry arms- of the same rakshas, laad governor? What kind of madness was this?

She got down from an auto rikshaw and climbed the stairs of the temple while thinking over her future which was supposed to make her excited and happy, yet all she felt was confusion and gloom.

After fighting her destiny for a long time, it was time to accept what was written for her. And it seemed it was Shyamji in her destiny! Even thinking about it was giving her chills, she had never felt comfortable around him. Wasn't he too old to be married? She frowned. If she could, she would have said to him that she always saw him as her elder brother, if not an uncle! She was barely 20 and he was what, 40 maybe? Besides there was something odd about this man that made her want to stay thousands of feet away from him.

But, then her buaji convinced her that this was the right thing for her, and mainly the family. Buaji in fact implied that it was time to repay what they had done for her all these years, she couldn't refute that argument. And she gave her reluctant acceptance...

How will she live an entire life with that man, when just the thought of getting engaged to him was making her feel so repulsed? She needed a lot of strength to do it. Which is precisely why she was here today. In this temple. Praying to Devi Maiyya and asking for strength to do the right thing. And yet, all her prayers included and mentioned was one name, Arnavji!

If the tremors she felt thinking about Shyam were like one felt thinking about creepy crawling animals, the thrill she felt in Arnav's surrounding was like one would feel when sitting on a roller-coaster ride or those giant wheels in the local funfairs she attended. You are scared of taking those rides, you feel as if you are having near-death experience, yet you know that given a chance, you will take that experience again. And again.

And she couldn't afford that right now. Arnav Singh Raizada was a roller coaster ride she was better away from...

"Hey Devi Maiyya, I know what you have decided for me is the right thing for me. Please be with me." she finished praying, having full faith that her devi maiyya has chosen the right person for her. All she must do now is forget that-

And then she felt it. The sudden change in the air around her, the sudden pace her heart had picked up, all of it indicating his presence around her. Impossible as it may sound to others in this world, she had always felt Arnav's presence even before her eyes found him. She sometimes wondered if she was blessed with some divine power to know people's presence around. But what kind of a power was this that only worked when he was around?

.

.

When Arnav watched her leave his house, and his life, he stood numb for a long time. With relief of course! So, this was it. He was seeing her for the last time. He would never have to face her, bear with her, listen to her illogical chatter again. She was walking-talking neon signboard that read 'Danger ahead, enter at your own risk (no pun intended)' and he was being smart -yeah, that Harvard alumni smart- by staying away from her.

Trying to control his conflicted heart with his dominant and confident brain, Arnav had just turned to leave the spot where he was standing since Khushi left hours ago, when he noticed something on the floor. It was a key, to be precise, mannat ki key that she had handed over to him, that would always remind him of 2 things he was strongly in denial of- God and her!

He picked up the key and raised his hand to throw it away somewhere far away from his sight when another thing caught his attention. A few red, large, fresh drops of blood. Khushi's blood, of course! He remembered how he had held her tightly and she had tried to free herself and as usual, their wrestling match had resulted in her getting hurt. But he didn't know it had left a cut on her skin somewhere.

He had to go see her. Ensure she was ok. Surprisingly, the fact that he was so eager to break his own resolve to not see her again was the last thing on his mind...

Also, how he knew where to find her was a question not to be asked, because just like Khushi, Arnav too was seemingly blessed with a divine power, that worked only on her!

He parked his car outside the temple, opened his car's hood where a first-aid kit was kept, picked up an antiseptic and cotton gauze and dashed out in search of her.

.

.

Khushi hurriedly came out of the main temple, she had to leave before she came face-to-face with that rakshas, who devi maiyya knows why was here.

However, just as she wore her sandals and was about to leave, a strong gust of wind flew and took her dupatta with it to successfully cover her face and obstruct her vision. And by the time she uncovered it, she was facing the devil himself!

Arnav watched her trying to avoid him and run away and his blood boiled. He didn't know why but he did not like it when she avoided him. It made him feel- he hated to say- unwanted. By her. And that stung.

He tugged at her hand, pulled her closer to himself and steadied her by clutching both her arms to confront her. Ignoring the crowd that he had attracted.

But just then his eyes caught something which reminded him why he was here. She was physically hurt, she had bled, and he was there to ensure she was ok...he slowly freed her and took hold of her injured hand that she had wrapped in her dupatta. He knew he wouldn't be at peace until he tended to her wounds. So, he had to do this for himself.

And thus, right in front of Devi maiyya's idol, having large audience-which might as well suffice as baaratis-, amidst the holy chanting of mantras, Arnav Singh Raizada tended to a cut on Khushi's ring finger and tied a cotton gauze around the exact same location where normally an engagement ring would sit.

Was he aware of it that moment, hell yes! Was she aware of it, of course yes! That was why months later when they actually got engaged for the right reasons and intentions, they both remembered this moment from their past.

But that time, they would loathe to show the other what their heart had acknowledged and was always going to cherish as a special memory.

Their moment ended when a Panditji came there with Aarti ki thaali and holy water. She readily accepted it. He didn't even acknowledge.

"How can you insult God like this while standing in a temple?" she asked with exasperation.

"I don't believe in God." came his deadpan reply.

"Of course, I forgot that Arnav Singh Raizada writes his own destiny. But remember one thing, one day you will realize that whatever happened with you, whatever you thought you wrote in your destiny was in fact Devi maiyya's doing, she had held your hand and made you write it. But I won't be there with you that day." It was her hurt mind speaking than her mouth...

Now that pushed his buttons! He didn't and wouldn't let her challenge his trust in himself (that's called over-confidence, his mind promptly added but he chose to ignore it).

"Forget one day, I don't want to see you ever again from today itself. Leave my life. And this is something definitely in my hand." His confidence- err over confidence- spoke.

She felt a momentary stab of pain hearing his words. Sure, he had always spoken harshly. But this was the final verdict, his parting words. Or maybe this would give her closure so she could move on with Shyamji. However, she had to return the favor and tell him that she wished the same.

"Even I don't want to meet you or see you ever again from after today, Arnav Singh Raizada." she said, and saw a flash of hurt in his eyes.

Having hurt each other enough, they both turned to face away from each other and stopped for a brief second.

'Some feelings are not worth it.' her mind concluded.

'Some people are not worth it.' his brain concluded.

However, only time and devi maiyya could teach them, love is always worth it!

--~--

Present day (11 years since that incident) / CSD glimpse:

Today they were in the same temple again. This time for a special reason. It was their son's, Kavish's, birthday!

And thus, one of the rarest occasions when Arnav willingly went to the temple. In the past 11 years this had happened only during their remarriage ceremony (for the ritual of kuldevi's pooja), then during Khushi's pregnancies, their kids' births, and later their birthdays. But yes, Arnav Singh Raizada was no longer an atheist.

Khushi was praying to devi maiyya, "Thank you devi maiyya, for blessing me with my son, my Chiku, for making me a mother, a mother to Arnavji's kids and for blessing me with a life partner like Arnavji. Please give a long life to my son Kavish, my daughters Pari and Arohi and my husband, Arnavji. And please bless me to be a good mother to my kids and a good wife to my husband. Aap ka bohot bohot thank you!"

Beside her, a smiling Arnav stood, with folded hands. He too was going to pray (of course, a short prayer unlike hers) but he loved watching her pray so currently he was doing that.

Once she finished praying and touched her folded hands to her forehead thrice, he understood he has to start his prayer now or else she would catch him staring at her. Like she did during the kuldevi pooja ritual of their wedding...

He started praying- or in his style- speaking with Devi maiyya, "Thank you, for not listening to my spoken words when I said I didn't want to see Khushi's face again and listening to my heart that wanted to only her forever. I wouldn't and won't survive a second with Khushi. but you of course know that. I don't know why and how I got so lucky to have her as well as our kids but thanks for them as well. Of course, I did some work too." he realized it was probably improper to say so to God, so he cleared his throat and started praying again, "Khushi is the best mother, and I am so lucky to see her carry my kids and raise them with so much love! And I am so lucky to have my son, Kavish, who is the best little guy one could ever meet! Please help him become the best man and reach heights of every success he wishes to have. And to my daughters, Aru and Pari too. I don't want anything else. I will take care of everything else." Saying so, he finished his prayer.

When he opened his eyes, she was staring at him with a sweet smile.

He was flustered for a moment but then returned the smile.

Chiku who was standing between them, held both their hands at that point.

Pandit ji came with aarti thali and Khushi gave aarti to him. She then turned around to find her daughters who were sitting near a temple pole and playing with each other. Smiling, she went to them and picked Pari and held aru's hand and brought them near Pandit ji. She signaled Arnav who understood her message and gave aarti to his daughters.

As the descended the stairs of the temple, both their hearts said one thing in unison,

"Their togetherness and their family were worth every hardship they faced!"

--~--

A/N - pls do let me know what you think. This book is a different experience for me, in terms of going into Arnav and Khushi's heads from the actual scenes that happened on the show and justifying their actions as well as letting you know their inner feelings. And I am not sure if that comes out good. Also, I am thinking to add a small part at the end of each of these chapters that takes you into future (basically glimpses of CSD) which are parallel of those scenes. But then, this book would no longer remain as angst, so let me know what you prefer.

I don't expect this book to be too long either. Maybe 10-odd such moments, not in the order as in they appeared in the show.