~Her~

Shall I stay?

Would it be a sin

If I can't help falling in love with you?

~~~

Akshara sat at the window sil and gave a sigh. It was past 3 in the morning and her four year old son had finally gone to sleep. He had caught the flu just two days back and was down with severe noseblock, wheezing and dry cough. Being a premature kid, this was something that happened quite often with him and the winter wind almost always seemed to bring the worst kind of flu. Like every mother, she wished everytime it was her instead of him but that never happened and so she grit her teeth never letting him know the panic each time she felt when he gasped for breath. It wasn't easy of course but life had taught her the hard way that nothing of value was easily got. She clicked her tongue and looked out to see darkness all over the land. There wasn't a single speck of light as far as she could see. She gave a little shiver as a memory she had buried a long time ago resurfaced. It was the memory of her dear father. The night had been cold and dark too when she, as a 6 year old had sat at the porch of Goenka Mansion waiting for his return. He had gone out for work and had promised her he would come back that night to tuck her in. Her entire family had persuaded her to get to bed but she had remained stubborn. Her determination had been rewarded when she saw the smile on her father's kind face as soon as he opened the gate and set his eyes on her. He had pulled her up and hugged her tight. She still remembered the warmth and comfort she had as she snuggled deep into his arms. After his death, though she had a lot of people around her, she had never truly been able to feel the comfort or the warmth she had had in his arms.  She had often wondered why but had never been able to figure it out.

"Chai?"

His voice interrupted her thoughts. She looked up to see her son's father extending her a cup. As she raised her eyebrows, he gave a warm smile.

"It's cold and you look tired out..."

"You would be tired..."

As the words left her lips, she realized how tired he ought to be. He had come back from work and taken Abhir and her to the doctor. After coming home, he had made food for them as she helped Abhir dress and cleaned up the kitchen. After she had fed Abhir, he had given him medicines and helped him to bed. When the bed was too uncomfortable for him, he had carried him on his shoulders walking around rocking him gently to help him sleep. She shook her head and pushed back the cup.

"No, you need this more than I do... Drink it"

"Oh, I'll have it later... I am not going for work till late in the morning tomorrow but you have an order to deliver at 8..."

"And you mean to say you will sleep and just let me work all alone? I am not a stranger anymore, I know you better than I know myself... don't you..."

She stopped as she heard him gulp a little and as she looked at him, she thought she saw something in his eyes. It was there a moment and gone the next leaving her to wonder if she imagined it. He blinked twice and said softly 

"I'll get a cup for me. You have this."

Placing the cup beside her, he turned abruptly and left. She looked at the cup and took in a deep breath trying to recall the look she saw in his eyes. It definitely wasn't pity as she had always thought, it was something else. Something strong, deep and unquenchable. She couldn't bring herself to believe it. No, no... it wasn't... it couldn't... it couldn't.... love. When he first entered her life, she had been a broken soul. She had built a strong wall around her heart so that she would be unable to feel anything. Anger, grief, happiness, guilt, pain, love, sadness meant nothing to her. She had no real feelings about anything. She thought it was her duty to give birth but life post that wasn't something that even crossed her mind. She walked around like a robot devoid of emotions. When her labour pains had come way before she was due, she had known then that she had to fight. Fight for the life that was trying to come out. And she did, she fought with her life. The next day she had opened her eyes to see Abhinav cradling Abhir and she had felt something crack inside her. She knew then that her son had chosen his father. When he had agreed to legally become his father and her husband, she had felt her lips curve up a little on its own. Everyday, since then she had learnt a little more about him and allowed the wall crack a bit more letting in the warmth he had in him. She didn't really know when, she didn't realize how but one day, a year ago she had gotten up to realize that she could never go on without him. She knew he helped her only  because he pitied her and stayed only because he loved her son. Having loved deeply once and lost, she had tried hard to restrain herself but failing miserably, she had chided herself for loving him without his knowledge. He had done so much without any expectations and she had felt guilty for hoping he would fall for her. But as the days passed she had realized whether he loved her or not, she wouldn't be able to stop falling for him, so she had finally given up. 'Some dreams,' she had thought one day, ruefully 'are meant to be dreams always'. Today, as she recollected the spark in his eyes, she wondered if her dream someday would become a reality. As soon as the thought struck she clicked her tongue, shook her head and chided herself again

'You are mad, Akshara... What are you thinking? Abhinav and you? Pssst... nothing like that... Hours of sleeplessness are now making you see dreams even before you close your eyes...'

Reaching out her hand, she slowly took the cup he had placed beside her and stood up. Slowly, she walked towards the kitchen and saw him standing near the stove as expected with his cup in his hand. He looked up as he heard her entering and immediately his eyes widened

"Abhir?"

"He is sleeping... I thought you would like some company drinking tea..."

"But, Abhir..."

"I have left the bedroom door open, if we sit here, we can keep an eye on him..."

He nodded and walked towards her. As they sat down, sipping their tea in silence, Akshara felt a sudden warmth flood her entire being reminding her of the comfort and safety in her long lost father's arms. Sighing deeply, she whispered 

"Home... this is what it feels like.... Home"

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