The Wilting Heart

2 years ago

oh nakhrewaali

@oh_nakhrewaali

The Wilting Heart

Rey was having a pretty average day. He attended two lectures to show the professors that he existed and then spent his time chilling in the rehearsal hall. In the far-off corner, Vicky and Neha were cuddling, and Rey couldn't help but feel jealous. He could never have that. Not because he couldn't get girls, he could date almost any girl in the college if he wished. And that was the keyword. Wish. He didn't wish for any girl, because, he was super gay. He could never fall for a girl.

He pushed aside his thoughts and pulled his bag to start working on his assignment when his phone pinged.

"Getting a newbie for auditions. Be in RH in 5." Sharon 'Siren' had sent out her orders. Rey pulled himself up and set the speakers. He looked around to make sure the rehearsal hall was presentable enough. It was pretty decent but could have been better, so he started cleaning it, finally separating Neha and Vicky.

After 3 minutes or so, he heard Sharon's voice. "We are a team of 11, mostly third years, which is why we are holding auditions. But you are also the third year, so just spread the word out for us."

"My cousin is in the second year, I'll let her know." Rey's heart skipped a beat. That voice was beautiful. He turned around and almost froze.

There stood a man, with his slightly curly hair framing his face perfectly and a strand in his eyes. He wore a blue checkered shirt to layer his white T-shirt. He couldn't be Swayam. No, of course not. Swayam was in Rajasthan, or wherever his dad was currently posted.

"Guys, meet Swayam. Swayam… Shekhawat?" Sharon looked at Swayam to confirm his last name, but Swayam's eyes were on her best friend.

"Swayam?" She called out, and he looked at her in confusion.

"Oh yeah, hi, Swayam Shekhawat," he managed to push out, his eyes on Rey.

"Hey, dude!" Vicky waved.

"Vicky, set up the speaker. Swayam has his music."

Swayam was forced to look away from Rey and at her, again and nod.

Rey watched as Swayam performed a hip-hop gig, flawless as ever. Though it looked like he had gotten some training. He couldn't help but feel proud of his friend, or his ex-friend. He looked beautiful! Damn it, Rey, pull it together!

"Wow!" Sharon and Neha shouted, and Vicky was clapping, so he put his hands together, his eyes still on Swayam, who was now looking at him, as if asking for his approval. Rey nodded slightly and smiled.

"I think we just found the 12th Dazzler!" Neha exclaimed.

"Your group's name is Dazzler?" Swayam asked as if horrified, and the other three turned to look at Rey, who had registered them as Dazzler some two years back, and the name had stuck.

Swayam looked at him for a second and rolled his eyes. Rey wondered if Swayam was thinking of all the cheesy nicknames that he has given him when they were kids.

___________________

It had been a week since Swayam had joined the team. For some reason, he didn't even acknowledge their past, and Rey knew why. Rey was at fault here, but he chose to not think about it. Swayam and Sharon grew closer, what with being in the same class and same batch. Rey could feel his insides burning with jealousy every time he saw them together, and he wasn't sure who he was more jealous of.

He looked at his accounts book after putting his phone away when the numbers started going hazy before his eyes. Deciding to do the assignment another time, he went to bed when he started coughing. He held his mouth and he felt a small, soft petal on his hand. He gasped in shock as he looked at the white petal covered in blood. This couldn't be it! He couldn't have gotten it! Not because of and for Swayam! 

That night Rey read about Hanahaki Disease and then cried at his impending death.

___________________

Rey looked at Swayam, who was teaching Vishaka some steps. He couldn't be gay, could he? Rey had known Swayam for most of his childhood and preteen years, and he had never seemed gay. He knew his thought process was stupid, but he couldn't think of anything but his doomed fate.

Why was he gay? Why wasn't Swayam gay?

"Ugggh!" he yelled, and everyone turned to look at him.

"Sorry, hit my arm," he lied and clutched at his wrist for dramatic effect. Everyone accepted the lie except Swayam, who continued staring at him. Rey wanted to die at that instant because his eyes held so much warmth. His chest ached, and he ran outside, not wanting to dirty the rehearsal hall with blood and flower petals.

___________________

Months passed and the semester ended. Three weeks into his joining, and Swayam had finally said his name and Rey had never realized how sweet his own name had sounded. He knew it was corny, but he was a goner, literally and figuratively, so he was going to be as corny as he could. 

They had even set up a dance routine for a college fest together, and Rey had cherished every moment that they had shared. On the health front, he had forgotten what sleep or breathing normally were. Thinking about Swayam would send him into a coughing fit, when Swayam would look away from him, his chest would ache. It was like his lungs and heart were set on fire. He knew that he should tell someone, but he also knew that no one would understand. However, he had spoken to his doctor who had confirmed his diagnosis, and when she had told him to confess, Rey had started laughing and a few drops of blood had ended on her desk. She had suggested that they remove the flower surgically and Rey had said, "I'd rather die than give up on my feelings for him." 

Sharon had seen him go pale. "Why do you look like Edward Cullen?" "It's nothing, I just don't sleep well these days." The dark circles under his eyes had confirmed that lie for him.

Sharon seemed to have not realized what Rey had realized, that she was crushing on Swayam. In the most un-Sharon way, she had fallen for the cute, shy boy who has joined them, and Rey could see it. He felt like Aman from Kal ho na Ho in such moments, when he had tried to make Sharon see that she was crushing on him, but Sharon would behave like Naina and start yelling at him.

___________________

"I think I have a crush on Swayam." Rey opened his door, on the last day of their vacation.  Sharon was standing there, with a beautiful smile on her face.

"Hi to you too. And happy realization." Rey laughed. 

"I was chatting with him and Rinni said that the day she gets hold of Swayam, she is going to make him pay for our internet bills and I realized I never talked this much to anyone, not even you."

"I always knew your younger sister is smarter than you," Rey chuckled.

"Should I ask him out?" she asked as she stepped into his house.

Rey had to slap his hand on his mouth to stop a cough from forming.

"Shivam and I were ages ago, and I don't feel the same about him, but what if we too don't work out?"

"Sharon, you are Sharon Rai Prakash, you can make anything happen in this world!" He held her hand.

"What if he doesn't like me?"

"Then he is an idiot!"

"Or gay."

Rey sputtered and looked at her, horrified.

"Rinni has this theory, any guy worthy of crushing on is either gay or committed to someone else."

"Then you must have never crushed on me."

"What?"

"What?" Rey looked at her and faked a laugh. 

"You are such a jerk! Maybe our kiss didn't impress me? Anyway, want to watch B99?" Sharon shrugged. 

The kiss! The kiss that had messed up Rey's life. It had made Rey realize that there were teeny-tiny chances of him not liking girls. When he grew up, the teeny tiny chances raised to the realization that he was definitely not straight. He never really got a crush on another man, but he knew he was different when he had shrugged every time Neil had said "Dude, that girl is checking you out," and when his heart would thud every time he watched Chris Evans in Captain America.

___________________

A week into the new semester, Rey was standing in the library, economics textbook clutched to his chest. He looked around the heads of students and saw Swayam's curly mop of hair bent over a book. He contemplated whether he should go sit with him and then decided to. He would get less time with him now, and Rey couldn't afford to miss out on such moments.

"Hi" He flashed a charming smile as he grabbed a chair. He knew what he was doing, he was flirting. It was reckless, and the nod from Swayam was worth it.

"What are you doing?" he asked,  and Swayam looked up again.

"I am trying to figure out how much time the sun will take to revolve around the earth," he answered with a poker face.

Rey laughed at his silliness. "The sun doesn't… oh." He blushed when he realized that Swayam was being sarcastic and opened the book.

They spent the next hour doing their college work. Being from a different stream, Swayam's book's content looked like gibberish to Rey, so he didn't bother asking him anything more.

Swayam packed his books but didn't leave, and Rey felt relieved. He never hung around with Swayam alone, and even such quiet moments were appreciated.

"Why did you stop responding to my calls?" Swayam asked after a few minutes.

Rey pretended that he didn't hear him.

"I know you heard me. Stop being a jerk!"

"I got busy."

"With Sharon?" He retorted. "You replaced me with her?"

"No! Of course not! I would never replace you!" Rey almost yelled.

"Then what was so important that you couldn't answer my calls? You called Taani! My cousin! But I was the one you didn't have time for? Or maybe you just didn't care! I was just your neighbor with whom you went to primary school! Mr. Reyansh Singhania went to high school and got all high and mighty!" He glared at Rey, and Rey felt small.

"That's not true. I cared about you! More than you can imagine!"

Swayam opened his mouth to retort but didn't.

"Look, after you left, Sharon and I became best friends. And, no, she didn't replace you. I was still talking to you, remember?" Swayam nodded.

"Her ex asked her out, and we realized we don't know how to kiss. So we decided to practice with each other. Just two besties and some harmless kissing."

"And you guys got together. It was happily ever after!" Swayam replied with a hint of jealousy.

"What happened to you? You used to let people speak!"

"Sorry! You are driving me crazy right now!" 

Swayam covered his face with his hands. In another context, Rey would have blushed at the slightly flirty tone of the sentence.

"Anyway, that kiss made me realize something." Rey looked at Swayam and sighed heavily. Should he tell him? He could just say "ok bye" and run away. 

"That kiss made you realize that you shouldn't call me?" Swayam egged him on. 

"Fine then! Have it your way!" Rey muttered and looked into the eyes of the man he loved. A small cough escaped him.

"That I didn't want to kiss Sharon. I missed you so much after the kiss and I realized I wanted it to be you, that I had a crush on you."

Rey breathed heavily and looked at Swayam. He was gaping at him in shock.

"Yeah, I had a stupid crush on you, which apparently didn't go away even after I tried to cut you out of my life. Instead it festered into love and is now lodged into my heart like a petal cluster and messing with my lungs!"

"Lungs...what...?" Swayam asked, still not over his confession.

"I have Hanahaki Disease. It's a disease one gets if they suffer from one-sided love."

A silence enveloped them. It was heavy, with so many questions and so much anxiety. Swayam looked like he wanted to cry but was stopping himself. 

"Is that why you have gone so pale?"

Rey nodded.

"What happens now?"

"Well, I would have died if I hadn't told you, but I won't. The flower in my heart will shrivel up and die. Your rejection will cause me depression, maybe, depending on the extent of my feelings. I could have gotten it removed, but it would have made me move on from my feelings for you, and I didn't want that to happen. You were the best thing to ever happen to me, and in a self-sabotaging Devdas kind of way, I wanted to live with this feeling till the end."

Swayam stared at him in shock. 

"You f*cking idiot!" He threw a book at him, and Rey looked at him, scared.

"What?!"

"Had you told me all this earlier, you wouldn't have had to suffer so much."

"Swayam, I can't force what I feel for you just to be alive. I wouldn't have even told you about the disease, but I think I owe you an apology. That's why I am telling you all this."

"You aren't forcing anything on me. Can't you see? Isn't your big dumb brain processing anything?" Swayam whined like a child, begging him to understand his feelings.

"I have always loved you, even as a kid. As a friend, and maybe even more," he whispered. He raised his hand to hold Rey's, and then stopped. Rey looked at him in surprise.

"You are lying, aren't you?"

"No, you idiot! You can ask Taani. I told her how I feel about you."

Rey smiled. His heart was beating at a crazy rate, and he was feeling as if he was the happiest man on earth. He just stared at Swayam for a few seconds and then held his hand.

"Thank you."

"Yeah, no, just a thank you won't work. Let's see what charming tricks you have up your sleeves to woo me. Since you aren't dying, I will make you slog your ass off," Swayam said and then blushed when Rey raised his eyebrow, taking it in the wrong way.

"Get out of here!" he cried, and Rey laughed.

"Reyansh Singhania! You have what?!" Everyone in the library to turned to look at Sharon, who was a living image of Goddess Kali. Her eyes were red from crying, and she almost stomped her way to the corner Rey and Swayam occupied. 

"What?!" She yelled at a student staring at her, and everyone looked away.

"I found your reports. Do you care to explain?"

"What were you doing in my bedroom?" Rey tried to divert the topic, but Sharon glared at him.

"Sharon, he isn't dying." Swayam tried to calm her down.

"Oh, as if you know what's going on with him?"

"Yes, he has Hanahaki. And, no, he isn't dying. Neither is the flower going to shrivel up, and he won't go into depression," Swayam said and pulled her into a seat next to him.

"How do you know..."

"It's him," Rey answered.

"It's always been him," he continued, his eyes on Swayam. Swayam blushed and held his hands. Sharon looked at the two in shock. She had never known that he was gay. But Sharon, despite her cold hard exterior, was probably the most accepting person Rey had ever known. Then her face twisted as realization hit her.

"I am so happy that you aren't dying, but couldn't you find another guy? After ages, I had found someone cute and somewhat decent at dancing and you had to come swooping in and take him away." Sharon mock whined, but Rey knew that she was masking her pain. He felt guilty and held his ears to apologize and she shushed him away.

"You have a crush on me?" A surprised Swayam asked.

"I had a crush on you, I'll let you know that I don't do seconds."

Swayam looked at her, waiting for her to realize the double meaning in her sentence, while Rey looked at the two most important people in his life. With no more secrets, he felt elevated, and the bonus was that the flower in his heart disappeared with a poof. Its job was done.