Chapter Six - Month Six

Miss.M

@Miss.M

Month Six

She had been restless for a week now. Their time together was almost up and the conversation with Yashasvi from earlier in the week rang in her ears as she readied herself for bed. 

"So Raavi, these six months you've spent with Shiva, have your feelings for him changed? I remember you said that you wanted to get out of this sham wedding and back to your pre marital life, does that still hold true? Even after the last session we had?"

"I don't know how I feel, I'm more confused than I ever was...he's different, he isn't the same Shiva from six months ago, this Shiva is known but a stranger at the same time. He's become more subdued, we talk a lot about the family, my college, the store… but it's never personal. About him. Me. Us. What happened here last time seems to be the elephant in the room that we don't want to address."

"The both of you will have to address it at some stage. It isn't going to disappear and the unknown will always leave you with unsatisfied curiosity. As for him changing isn't that what you wanted? I've read your journal and I remember at the start you'd spoken of how Shiva always fought with you, never spoke to you gently; it irritated you. Why are you unsure?"

"He did. Don't get me wrong, this side of Shiva is nice, it was the side that I only had brief glances of, but it cannot be the only part. It's not who he is and that was always my issue; I wanted the whole Shiva, the soft, gentle and caring one, but also the one that argued, teased and cajoled to get his way and that Shiva is lost. I can't live with one or the other, because somewhere along the line I started accepting that a Shiva that has all aspects of himself is the only one I want in my life. I had a one-sided love… no…Like...and look where that brought me; now I want him all or none at all, because I am willing to be heartbroken but not loved by someone broken from inside."

"But have you told him that? That's what you want?" 

"No." 

The finality of the word and her refusal to speak of it any longer had shortened the discussion with Yashasvi. 

"Talk to him. You might find that what you're looking for has been waiting all along." 

Needless to say, that statement had left her internally debating on her next step. 

***

Yashasvi had to laugh at the irony, she had thought they were the same but different, but the joke was on her. It had taken her six months to realise that both of them were exactly the same. They loved each other, that much was very clear; to everyone but each other. Their want for keeping the other happy had blinded them to what would be a powerful and all consuming relationship. 

Hadn't Shiva said exactly the same thing to her the previous day when she'd asked him about his feelings for Raavi after these six months? 

"The like I had for her has long surpassed that and moved to love, but I can't live with someone who has forgotten how to smile, to be carefree; she was always like a butterfly, fluttering in her own world where everything was rosy and right and now she's become a shadow of the person she was. And I want Raavi, my dobi, who doesn't think before speaking, forgives and forgets, laughs with everyone when they're happy and cries in their sadness, the one who finds something good about everyone, the one who is strong and brave where it counts. Because that's the Raavi I fell in love with and she will only be her true self if she leaves me. So I will watch over her from a distance and find my happiness in hers."

At least he had said he would think about telling Raavi about his feelings. She hoped he did, otherwise her opinion would rock the boat in court, but she couldn't recommend a divorce for what was obviously meant to be. 

***

He paced outside his bedroom… their bedroom, wanting to talk to her. It felt as though they had been playing hide n seek for the past month. A wave of regret passed through him, wondering if he'd made everything worse, by telling her how he felt. Hadn't he made up his mind that he would divorce her and let her pick someone more suited? That one moment of weakness had a cascading effect on everything they had worked towards. 

He had wanted them to leave as friends, because anything less was not feasible and anything more was not possible; till that session. And now his heart battled with his mind after months of acceptance of what was to be, it wanted more. If only he had held strong for the last few days, but the uneasiness that left him feeling as though something was wrong wasn't letting him rest, which was why he paced outside their room, in the middle of the night. 

Hand raised against the door, he convinced himself that it was a good idea, he knocked on the door, pushing it ajar as his knuckles rapped against the wood. She sat on the bed, staring into space, the only light coming from the candles she had lit on the dresser. Her emotions were hidden beneath the shadows that danced around her face. Not wanting to soil the mood she had set, one that matched his feelings, he called out to her in a voice that was foreign to his ears too, 

"Raavi?... Are you okay?" 

Her gaze cleared and she looked at him, surprised that he was standing there. 

"I knocked, but the door was open, so I came in… I wanted to talk to you. Is it okay if I sit down?" 

She folded her legs to her chest, making space for him to sit. 

Taking that as assent, he sat down next to her, facing the wall, to avoid losing the little self control he had over himself he continued, 

"Remember you wanted us to start again as strangers? And I told you our history together wouldn't allow it? Today I wanted to ask you if we could start again as friends? Our divorce hearing is in three days and the thought of losing you completely scares me. At least if we're friends I will still be a part of your life even if it is in the periphery."

He focused on the flickering candle flame, trying to untangle the web of thoughts in his mind. Inhaling deeply he continued, 

"What I wrote was true. I never hated you. At least not since we got married. Hate is such a strong word and my feelings for you were never at that end of the spectrum. You were never my favorite, but I always noticed the love everyone else had for you so I knew you weren't that bad. In fact you surprised me with the way you dealt with our situation and though I made it difficult, you stood strong against your nemesis; me. But you also supported me and for that I will be eternally grateful."

They sat in silence for a while, he had so much more he wanted to share, a purging of his soul, to show his repentance and to ask for her forgiveness but her silence made him falter and as his strength deserted him all his courage allowed him to say was, 

"I'm sorry Raavi. I am so sorry for what I did. I never meant it and I hope you can forgive me for it one day. Everything I said that day was uttered in anger and the regret will stay forever because it has led us to this."

Before he could move to walk out of the room, he heard the one word that gave him confidence. 

"Stay." 

He resumed his position, waiting with bated breath for her to say something, but as he had, she watched the flame as though it held the answers she seeked from the universe. They watched the wax pool on the dish she placed under the candle, the only sound breaking the stillness of the night was their breath in synchrony and at last there was a sense of calm that washed over them both.

"Shiva, will you answer just one question of mine?" 

"Hmmm" 

"What do you want from us?" 

Of every possible scenario that had run through his head in that split second, this wasn't one. How could he answer that? Could he ever bare his soul to that extent? Would she… no he would not insult her, thinking of her that way. He answered simply, hoping she would understand, 

"Us."

The one worded answer erased all signs of uncertainty that she had festered since they got married. He had told her at the brink of death that he would never leave her alone and though she had believed him then, his actions later insinuated that it had been a lie. 

And the words tumbled out of her on their own accord, just stopping short of a confession, 

"Shiva, I don't want to lose you. It scares me like it scares you, not being in your life is impossible for me to imagine. You have hurt me so much, you crushed the part of me that I had painstakingly put together after my dreams of marrying Dev shattered and even knowing now that I never loved him, I had to build up the fortitude to dream again. Those dreams were more precious than the ones I held in my heart for ten years and they too have slipped away. I no longer have the will to dream, so for now forgiveness is all I can afford and a promise that whenever you need me I will be by your side. In your team."

"That is more than I deserve Raavi. And I promise you this, just as you'll be by my side, I'll always be on yours." 

He saw her smile then, softly, wistfully, fingers playing with the hem of the bedspread that she had pulled up when she curled her legs. 

"You know Shiva I always wanted acceptance from you. I can't believe it took a marriage and divorce to bring that about. So typical of my life, just as I start to move ahead, I'm taken backwards to be given what I lost hopes of getting, your acceptance, this family, this home… " You, she added silently. 

"Have you ever wondered, what would have happened to our relationship had this divorce not happened?" she continued. 

"It would have eventually ended this way. Our personalities and history wouldn't have given us any other option, if not now, it would have happened later on. The only good thing to come out of this is our relationship isn't as bitter as it would have been if it was in the future, which has given us a better chance of being cordial." 

"So you think there was no chance of us falling in love?" 

"We might have, but it would have been a flashing burn; quick to ignite and quicker to douse. You're very attractive and a physical relationship can only last so long. The way we were before the divorce, I can't picture us in anything but that. What do you think?"

" Hmmm… I agree, it makes sense. Maybe we would have worked towards a more emotional bond eventually?"

"Maybe, if we learnt to control our own volatility. Leave the could haves, should haves… What are we going to say in court? Are we getting a divorce still?"

"It's for the best. We should." Please say no. She sent a silent plea. 

"I guess you're right. We should."

The candles had burnt low, almost doused and he only noticed how late it had gotten when her head lolled as she tried staying awake. Helping her lie down, he covered her with the blanket, tucking her hair behind her ear, he blew out the flames as he walked out. Snuggling into the pillows, she heard the faintest of whispers as though part of a dream, 

"I'll always love you. Forever." 

***

Suman watched as her son waited patiently on the jhula for his wife to come out of the room. They were going to the court for the divorce hearing. She felt helpless as a mother that she wasn't able to help her children. She had watched them for the past six months and had noticed the change in them. 

After the anger had simmered and died down, regret had washed over them in waves and they had made their way out of that. Then came the penance, it wasn't as long or as difficult as some, but for the members of Pandya niwas, it felt as though Shiva and Raavi had been burning in that fire for eternity. The acceptance of penance paved the path for desire, which had always been an undercurrent in their lives, but stripping the layers away had left no other outlet for the feelings that they had tried to hide and in the quiet unsaid days, it became more evident. 

She had seen, just as Krish had, Gautam had and also Rishita and Dev. In fact she had seen more than anyone else in the family, she had seen the concern on her face initially, when the whole family had distanced him from themselves, her eyes seeking him whenever they were all together to make sure he was okay. She had seen her worry when he would warm up food for himself. The one time when Kanta had come home and had spoken about Raavi taking off her mangalsutra after the divorce, she noticed her clench it tight in her hand, pain visible in her eyes. 

She had watched silently as her son hurt with the pain of what he had put her through, she also saw the care, when he'd come to check up on Raavi in the middle of the night and the way he would find excuses to stay at home so he could drop her to college. 

And she had seen the love; the love that had grown for each other, the want to spend time together and the desire of claiming the other as theirs. Looking to the skies, she prayed that they would resolve this before the judge made a decision, because she had seen a reflection of the love to come when they had gotten married. Hadn't she told Krish that if Shiva was fire, Raavi was the water that would sooth it down to a manageable level. They were always meant to be. 

Raavi walked out to find the whole family waiting for her, she had brought her suitcase out with her having decided that the most practical solution was to leave with mami once the divorce was finalised. Hugging everyone, she seeked blessings from Suman, touching her feet one last time with Shiva by her side. 

"May you get what you wish for." Suman blessed them, giving them a knowing look, even as they glanced at each other; watching and waiting. 

As they rode in the rickshaw, Shiva gave Raavi a folded sheet. She looked at him in silent question, 

"It's what I had written the other day. I wanted you to have it so it reminds you that I'm always there."

She opened it up to read the words he had read aloud

Raavi I'm sorry. Sorry that I misjudged you and said things that should never have even crossed my mind, let alone said, but I cannot take them back and can only regret.

I like you, as Raavi, as mami ki behen ki beti, as chipkali or the hundred other words I might call you. You made a place in my family, in my life, in my house and even though I said you would never be a part of it, I can't pinpoint exactly when you became such an integral part of it. Of me. I cannot imagine a life without you. But you might. Just know that no matter what you will always have me behind you, being what you need at any point in life. 

She knew that, she remembered him saying that to her and she had wondered what he had meant all those weeks ago, surprised that there was more she looked at him for affirmation before she continued reading. 

I love you. It's taken me a long time to accept my feelings for you. You became important when I took you off the noose, it frightened me that you could have been gone from this world; it worried me, that you had taken such a drastic step for our negligence, that our carelessness had led to that, so when I agreed to marry you, I hated that you were bound to us. Our fights gave me an outlet for that pent up anger. 

But I felt protective of you from then on, promising that the only anger you would feel was mine, because no matter what, you dealt with my anger in anger and that was better than the lifeless doll you were for those moments before we got married. The anger in me decreased as I watched you battle everyday with yourself, with fate and with me until all that was left in its place was wonder, of a strong, beautiful woman who had unknowingly become the centre of my world. 

When you stopped responding in the ruins, my heart stopped too, thinking I had failed in keeping you safe. That was when I knew that I loved you, more than myself, more than anyone. Then I hurt you and hurt you again, knowingly, which made it even worse and for that a lifetime of penance might not be enough. 

I was going to tell you, on the night of the reception, but I never gathered the courage and then your friends made me realise that you do deserve better and not just because of the way I dress, or speak but because you deserve the best. 

And now that we are getting a divorce, it has made me realise that the love I felt for you then was like a drop in the ocean of feelings I have for you now. You have become that part of me where losing you is losing myself but I don't know how to save me. Save us. So I'm going to let you go because my love for you will not let me hold you back. 

The wetness from her eyes was blurring the words, but she didn't need to reread them. Her heart had stopped where he'd written he loved her. Turning to him she hit his arm. Hard. 

"Pagal! Ghadheda! What were you thinking? You're saying all this now? When we're almost at the court. How am I supposed to react to this? And you've made me cry. Now I'll look horrible in public. Oh you're so lucky that I love you too." she said, hugging him. 

"I tried to. That night when we spoke. But I couldn't. And I chickened out giving you this since our counselling session. I didn't know how you would react." 

They had reached the court and lugging her bag up the stairs, holding hands with fingers entwined, they stepped into the courtroom to cancel the proceedings.

***

She hummed as she put all the things in the bag. Checking and rechecking that she had packed everything she turned around to find him there. The frustration on his face was evident, he detested being here, in her masi's house and the only reason he had come was because she wanted to get the rest of her belongings. 

"I'm not coming back here, make sure you take everything."

"Haan baba. I will. I'm just making sure I haven't left anything." 

Gathering the last of her trinkets she stopped to look out the window at the familiar scene one last time, 

"Six months ago, I remember not knowing how I felt about you when I saw you coming to the house. Today I do. It makes me so happy. Take me home Shiva!" 

They were greeted with flowers raining on them, everyone talking at the same time. They celebrated into the evening as the sun set, everyone wound down, conversation slowing after dinner and then they began to retire to their rooms, Suman leaving first, the Dhara who was getting tired quicker in the later stages of her pregnancy with Gautam helping her upstairs. Rishita freshened up and walked to her room with a new book she'd bought and Dev citing work excused himself. Krish had exams coming up so he sat to study now that it was quiet. Shiva tugged at Raavi's hand dragging her to their room, not wanting to lose even a single moment with her.