Disrupted rhythm,
Inevitable heartbreaks...
The weight of the world seems to rob me of my peace...
If departure could ensure,
The happiness of my family,
I would leave this world in a single heartbeat...
The fight he had with Sayuri rang in his head like a gong and he closed his eyes with a deep sigh. Fisting his hands as the rain battered upon him, he tried to let the drops wash the load of his heart away. It failed to do so... He exhaled to let at least some of the tension dissipate.
The weight of everything that had happened since that fateful afternoon, when he hd lost his brother, crashed upon him and he finally buckled as he sank to the ground and bowed his head: A lone and broken warrior, in a battle field. He had lost before he even began.
He sobbed once and then pushed all his tears deep within.
“Men don’t cry...” He heard the words spoken to him long ago by someone he didn’t even remember. But why can’t men cry? Why can’t they break down and then shatter into pieces? Don’t they feel pain too? Didn’t they see before them and find just darkness? Didn’t they feel like they were drowning in regrets, expectations and disappointments? Couldn’t they feel like they had messed up? And he had messed up...
But he was already in too much pain and guilt.
He knew he was accountable for some of the mistakes. He shouldn’t have played with his mother’s beliefs. He shouldn’t have allowed Chiru bhaiya to leave that day. He shouldn’t have taken him to the mandap instead of the hospital. But each time he hd fallen weak to his brother’s wishes. And finally everything was lashing back at him. All his decisions were haunting him. A long list of what ifs was awaiting for his visit and he was visiting them every moment now.
He couldn’t blame his mother for her harshness. She had every right to feel betrayed. He had after all played with her beliefs. She hd wanted this to be accounted for and he had made a mistake out of it.
He couldn’t blame Sayuri. Because she wasn’t unreasonable either. She would have refused if she knew that this would be the result of their fates. She would have distanced herself from his brother, had she known the truth.
He could blame only himself because he did this. His brother was stubborn, but Chiru bhaiya wouldn’t have done this to their mother either. He would have remained stubbornly in love with Sayuri but wouldn’t have taken a step to be with her if their mother didn’t allow. But he? He had wanted happiness for his brother and had decided their fates by his choice. He punched the wet ground with both his fists and then screamed in anguish. His voice broke and then he cried.
He accepted that this was his mistake... Yet, he didn’t understand what to do now! He loved his mother. Sayuri was his responsibility. And both the women were furious with him. But wasn’t he forgivable? He sobbed. Everything was messing up. It was so chaotic, that he didn’t understand where he himself stood in his eyes. He knew his mistakes. He was guilty and regretful. But his heart could bear no more pain and he yearned for everything to be better again. Would he be abhorred for whole his life? For something that he did in his love for his brother? Would he be despised because he had taken away, the light of his mother’s eyes and the rhythm of Sayuri’s heart? Forever? Because it was a long time and he wouldn’t be able to bear it...
He placed both his hands on his head and bent it as he cried. The rain hid his tears and gave him pseudo privacy in the bustling world. He hoped that they would find within their hearts the will to forgive him... He wished for his mother to smile again. Taking away her first born had been a cruel joke played by the fate upon her, but she was losing her second born too by some way or the other. The distance between them was spreading faster than the virus.
“Bhai!” He heard a voice call out and turned to see his youngest. Forgetting everything he stood up and hugged Nakul to himself.
“Maine sab kuch ghalat kiya hai Nakul! Sab kuch!”
“Aisa nahin hai!”
“Aisa hi hai!” Kanha shouted. “Maine kundli badli thi! Nahin karna chahiye tha. Main lekar gaya unhen bahar. Main mandap le aaya unhen! Maa ne jis jis cheez se mana kiya, main woh sab kar gaya! Kash... kash na karta...”
“Aap ne ye sab kiya... par ye sab aapne bhaiyya ke pyaar mein kiya. Unki ladayi aap lad gaye. Unki saza bhi aap bhugat rahe hain. Aur main janta hoon aap kisi aur ko ilazaam
Nahin denge... par sach ye bhi hai ki Chiru bhaiyya bhi ghalat the aur Maa bhi ghalat thi! Sab ne ghalti ki hai. Par sab aapko hi dosh de rahe hain kyunki unhen samajh nahin aa raha ki is hadse ka zimmedaar aur kise thehrayen!”
“Nakul... in sab se meri ghalti to kam nahin hogi! Chiru bhaiyya nahin laut kar aayenge!”
“Par jo zinda hai woh to zinda rahega na? Aapne apne guilt mein apne aap ko maar kar Chiru bhaiyya ko zinda kar diya! Aap kahan kho gaye ho? Aapko kaise wapas laun?” Nakul mourned as he watched his broken and battered brother while the rain surrounded them.
“Kash us din main chla jata! Sab khush rehte!” Kanha quietly uttered his deeply hidden wish. Nakul placed his hand on Kanha’s lips.
“Main khush nahin rehta! Aainda kabhi aap ye mat kehna Kanha bhai! Mujhe zaroorat hai aapki. Bahut zuada zaroorat hai. Aur baaqi sab ko bhi hai. Woh is waqt apne dikh se jhoojh rahe hain! Unhen dikh nahin raha ki jo j chuka uske chakkar mein woh zinda ko jeete ji maar rahe hain. Par ek din unhen ehsaas hoga.” Nakul swore as he hugged his brother and cried. He missed his eldest but he missed his second eldest more because he had gotten closure of Chiru bhaiyya’s death but he didn’t understand if he should mourn for his Kanha bhai or be happy that he is still alive. Sometimes alive seemed more dead than the dead.
“Main kaise un sab ka saamna karun? Main apne aap ko sheeshe mein dekhta hoon to apne aap ko gunahgaar paata hoon.”
“Aap sab ko thodi der ke liye bhool jaiye. Filhaal aap apne liye thoda sa ro lijiye. Thoda sa apne liye jee lijiye.” Kanha sobbed. “Main yahan hoon bhai. Aur main aapko bikharne nahin doonga.” He promised as he sat down with Kanha and let him let it out. Because the raging storm didn’t look like it would pass anytime soon and Kanha couldn’t fall weak. Nakul would make sure that his brother had his support and knew it.
After what seemed like ages, both the rain and Kanha’s tears had dried, leaving him like he had been stripped clean of his chaos. He looked up to see Nakul watch him and smiled at his youngest affectionately. Kanha would make sure Nakul knew he was loved... Always...
~~~~
Short and sweet I hope.
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