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1Aah... after a long time, I finally had the chance to read a well-written descriptive scene, full of many emotions
I've only had a quick glimpse and have yet to read it extensively.
I will add my views after sometime. 
Reserved.
I have some work to do for the Plotholes & Prompts fan fiction writing event in the Saṃskṛta Text Discussion forum. After I get that work done, I'll be sure to read and comment.
Edited to add:
Now that I've read your story, here are my comments. Please take it all as encouragement. You have a story to tell, and I want your ideas, not my own, to come through clearly.
Characters, Plot
The plot is that Geet is a brothel's prisoner and Maan pretends to be her client to protect her from exploitation. Your story's impact depends on how well you depict these two characters interacting with each other. So, it's not enough to tell us what they don't do at night together. Try to think of conversations that they would have during those nights to show the reader who they are, how they react to incidents in each other's lives, and how they fall in love.
It's quite unbelievable that Maan goes to donate money at the brothel and expects it to be used for betterment of the captive inmates. Money can be misused by anyone - pimps, bouncers etc. ... Donations of items for health and hygiene or education would make more sense.
The supporting characters are Maan's mother, Dadima, and Rajendra. One line of dialogue doesn't tell us much about the mother, and since these characters are all against The Brothel Girl, it's hard to discern their individuality. You have an opportunity to give the reader a sense of each character separately when they say "Maan" "Maaa" "MAAANNN!!" -> "Maan!" "Maaa ..." "MAAANNN!" Who is unable to finish saying his name? Who yells?
Why are you hell bent
Swear words like "hell bent" give the reader the impression that an undignified, vulgar character is speaking. In the real world, there are old ladies and royalty who swear, but is fictional Grandma like that, or is she prim and proud of her manners?
When the narrator uses multiple names for the same character, it can confuse the reader. In my own stories, I always ask myself if the narrator should refer to characters the way the focal character of the moment regards them: Dādā, Bhābhī, Anna, Celli etc. or I should simply use their names. If you're going to use "Rajendra" later, you can use "his Dad, Rajendra" earlier. If you're going to use "Dadima" later, you can change "Grandma" to "Dadima" throughout.
The scene of Maan ignoring his elders to take care of Geet was powerful. Well done!
Style, Grammar
1. The opening sentence seems bland and repetitive: dinner ... dining table; royal table ... royal family. Maybe this would be a more impressive beginning:
Whenever the Khurana royal family was seated for dinner, its elitist elders always spoke of their high expectations of Maan, the heir to their magnificent empire.
2. When the focus switches from Maan's mother to Maan, use his name instead of a pronoun. The plural pronoun "their" doesn't match Maan's mother, a singular subject.
He had earned the special skill to ignore their marriage rant -> Maan had developed the extraordinary ability to ignore his elders' marriage rant
3. If you're narrating in simple past tense, don't switch to present tense. For earlier completed events, simple past tense "he started" is incorrect; use past perfect tense "he had started" instead. However, after using past perfect tense to go back three years, narration of the first meeting of Geet and Maan can be done in simple past tense.
nagging has become ... since he started going to ... Saturday and spending a whole night -> nagging had become ... since he had started his routine of visiting ... Saturday, spending the whole night
4. The reader needs to know that Grandma is speaking, not Maan's mother again. Don't wait until the next paragraph to reveal that the speaker being ignored by Maan now is Grandma. How about this sentence to introduce Grandma's dialogue?
Maan's brothel habit was the reason for shrillness in his Grandma's voice as she pleaded with him.
5. making you perfect personality to have spot of the imperfection -> spoiling your perfect reputation with this blemish?
Watch out for you ... personality -> your ... personality (possessive pronoun), have spot -> have a spot (indefinite article required to indicate number of spots), of the imperfection -> of imperfection (definite article not required to indicate imperfection in general). A "spot" isn't a serious imperfection; "personality" isn't the right word; "stain" or "blemish" are better words to describe how scandal spoils Maan's perfect "character" or "image" or "reputation." Avoid awkward syntax like "making ... to have" when you only need one verb between Maan (subject) and his reputation (object). Remember to end a question with a question mark.
6. continued having his soup -> continued to eat his soup
7. just like he did to -> just as he had ignored
8. to me on serious note" came heavy authoritative voice of his Dad -> to me because this is serious," his Dad's deep, authoritative voice joined in.
"On a ... note" is a musical metaphor to indicate the speaker's mood, not the listener's. A voice can be "heavy" with grief, but "deep" is the word for a voice with low pitch. Remember to end dialogue and other sentences with punctuation marks.
9. Watch out for run-on sentences. Would the character say everything in one breath, or would he pause for effect after making each point? "All girls are" means all girls of the human species; here, the subject is "all of these girls" only. "Not only" implies that something is basic, but "extremely beautiful" sounds important. Don't put a noun like "elegance" in a list of adjectives like "beautiful" and "qualified." I am guessing that you
"Maan, we have profiles from three elite families and all girls are not only extremely beautiful but extremely qualified and elegance to enhance the class of our family standard" -> his Dad, Rajendra, was saying, "Maan, we have profiles from three elite families. All of these girls are extremely beautiful. Each of them has fine qualities and elegance that would enhance our high-class family's status.
10. She was running -> While the Khurana royal family carried on with their dinner, a young woman was running
The change of scene should begin with a transition. When you go right from Maan's dinner to Geet running from goons, the reader can't tell if Maan is having a flashback or this scene is taking place a few hours after dinner, when the night has gotten darker.
11. she cannot give up. -> she could not give up.
12. to not let anyone -> not to let anyone
13. beyond her understanding, why doesn't he lay -> beyond her understanding why he wouldn't lay
14. when he has already got -> when he had already got
15. had to spend nights with her, get the -> had to spend nights with her, had to get the
16. save herself from vultures -> save herself from those vultures at the brothel
17. nineteen years old Geet's life got devastated -> nineteen-year-old Geet's life had been devastated
18. her family were mercilessly -> her family had been mercilessly
19. Enemies caught and gave her to the Brothel -> Enemies had caught her and had given her to the brothel
20. When she found herself -> When she had found herself
21. Geet knew her life -> Geet had understood that her life
22. so cruel to bring her -> so cruel as to bring her
23. was not as cruel as she had been crying -> was not entirely cruel, as she discovered after she had been crying
24. Maan had to visit ... when his eyes went -> Maan was visiting ... when his gaze fell
25. shivering girl, who was shaking with fear. -> shivering girl. She was trembling with fear.
26. they cannot interfere -> they could not interfere
27. eyes had met with her almond shaped hazel -> eyes met with her almond-shaped hazel eyes
28. warned her to not let them -> warned her not to let them
29. the rule of brothel and -> the brothel's rule, and
30. if they come to know -> if they came to know
31. first thing they would do is, taint her. -> the first thing they would do would be to taint her.
32. for them to not sell her -> for them not to sell her
33. anyone, meaning, Maan -> anyone. It meant that Maan
34. locked in room -> locked in a room
35. cheat him and by -> cheat him by
36. huge palatial -> huge, palatial
37. guards of Mansion -> mansion's guards
38. tried stopping -> tried to stop
39. spotless perfect -> spotlessly clean
40. slipped from the A-class security, breached the security of his house to reach him. -> slipping from the A-class guards to breach the security of his house until, at last, she reached him.
41. all pestering -> all of the pestering
42. girl standing in torn muddy clothes. Her bare bleeding foot and her muddy clothes dirtying -> girl whose bare, bleeding feet and torn, muddy clothes were dirtying
43. "Gee-eet" from his shocking lips. -> a shocked "Gee-eet!" that escaped Maan's lips.
44. Lower part of her muddy skirt was making the dirty water drip -> The lower part of her muddy skirt was dripping dirty water
45. She took the step ahead "Stop.... Muddy" -> She took a step ahead. "Stop! You are muddy!" shouted the Khuranas.
Capitalized "Muddy" looks like whoever spoke gave Geet a nickname. Unless you make it clear who says a line, the reader has to guess: was it the last-mentioned character, Geet, reminding herself to stop?
46. They saw the mud, he saw ... her feet -> They saw the mud, but Maan saw ... her feet.
47. to her and without caring of what -> to her. Then, without caring what
48. picked her in his arms -> picked her up in his arms.
49. "MAAANNN!!" but he kept ... her in his arms and made her settled on chair of the central seating -> "MAAANNN!" yelled Rajendra. (new paragraph) Ignoring his elders, Maan kept ... Geet in his arms. He carried her to the central sitting area and settled her on a chair.
50. "Maan, are you real? First this girl from the brothel and see, this muddy ... palace -> "Maan, are you for real?" Dadima protested. "First, this girl is from the brothel. Second, see this muddy ... palace!"
51. came from his Dad -> his Dad sneered.
52. Maan gave back -> Maan retorted.
53. ceiling "WARM -> ceiling, and roared, "WARM
54. "MAAANNN!!!" he ignored -> "MAAANNN!" Rajendra raised his voice again, but Maan ignored him.
55. "AAaaa" he looked up at her "Dard ho raha hai." She nodded -> "AA ... aaa!" Geet cried, and Maan looked up at her. (new paragraph) "Dard ho raha hai?" Maan inquired, and Geet nodded.
56. memories" She closed her eyes to only get -> memories," Maan advised. Geet closed her eyes, only to get
57. complete their various serene memories (paragraph break) "All done" came his tender words to her -> completely relive those serene memories, his tender words came to her: "All done!"
58. He picked her in his arms ... his room -> He picked her up in his arms ... his room.
59. to your room" -> to your room," his mother argued.
60. He turned and looked at his parents "Why .. she is gone .... to his Dad -> Maan turned and looked at his parents. "Why ... she will be gone ... to his Dad.
61. "I know Dad, ... be one more" and he took her ... a look behind. -> "I know, Dad, ... be one more." (new paragraph) Maan took Geet ... a backwards glance.
English Word Usage
1. the this magnanimous empire
A person who is forgiving is "magnanimous." An empire can't be "magnanimous" but it can be "magnificent." Remove "the" - a word that doesn't belong before "this" in any sentence.
2. he was ... and thus having high expectations from
Written this way, the sentence means that Maan expected something impressive from his elders. When it's the elders who have high expectations of Maan to marry a princess, you should write that Maan "thus had to fulfil high expectations from" his elders. Avoid phrases with "he was having" (Indian English) and use "he had" (plain English) instead.
3. elite elders
Are there elite and non-elite elders in a royal family? Maybe you mean that the elders are elitist; they would only accept an elite bride for Maan.
4. only to have her words fly from his ears
The word "from" implies "out of" his ears. Instead of expecting the reader to understand that flying words are a new metaphor for being ignored, you can make it clearer with a simile: only to be ignored as if her words had flown past his ears unheard.
5. earned the special skill
In Hindi, one earns a skill. In English, one learns, practises, develops, or perfects a skill. Does the word "special" here mean that the skill is advanced, particular, peculiar, unique, extraordinary, or what?
6. from the last three years
In Hindi, से = se is the only ablative postposition, but in English, "from" is not the correct preposition here. Change to: over the past three years
7. See at yourself and your perfect life.
One looks at something; one sees something; one cannot "see at" something. Change to: Look at who you are! Your life should be perfect!
8. Anyways, they never gave up and continued. -> Anyway, unwilling to give up, they continued.
Anyways is vernacular; never gave up indicates their habit, but you are narrating one scene.
9. night, being followed by the goons of the brothel. -> night, pursued by goons from the brothel.
Eliminating superfluous words makes a chase sound more fast-paced, doesn't it?
10. a path, a little dense, with trees -> a path, rather narrow, through the trees
11. path to divert the goons. -> path to ditch the goons. (colloquial verb) or path, hiding herself while the goons continued along the main road. (clear statement of events, not expecting readers to guess that the character's idea worked)
"To divert" can mean "to entertain" as well as "to distract."
12. lay his hand -> lay a hand (usual expression)
13. striking white name -> brilliantly white name
14. to cute innocent talks of this girl -> to the cute, innocent talk of this girl
15. endlessly running -> running without pause
16. sophistically , -> with sophisticated appreciation,
Sophistically is an adverb for sophistry - dishonest arguments.
17. about to bomb them when his eyes went on -> about to explode at them when his gaze fell on
18. all loath -> utmost loathing
19. Each single big and small piece in -> Every single piece, big or small, in
20. extravagant with a perfect choice of elegance -> expensive, a perfectly elegant choice.
If the object is exquisite and the owner can afford it, it's not "extravagant" = overspending.
21. exported floor tiles -> imported floor tiles
If the floor tiles were "exported" from the Khuranas' point of view, the floor would be missing tiles.
22. horrorific -> horrified
Punctuation, Capitalization
Avoid multiple spaces between words
1. thirty now and it is time -> thirty now, and it is time
2. in life" Said his -> in life," said his
3. his mother only to -> his mother, only to
4. Maan what has happened to you. -> Maan, what has happened to you?
5. But alas!!! One exclamation mark is enough.
6. his Dad, placed -> his Dad placed
7. Garewal, Parineeti Shekhawat and Myrah Khandwa and sang -> Garewal, Parineeti Shekhawat, and Myrah Khandwa, and sang
8. side of the road and took -> side of the road, and took
9. like anything but she -> like anything, but she
10. kept her going -> kept her going.
11. anyone here, touch you. -> anyone here touch you.
12. anyone you wish" -> anyone you wish."
13. unsaid deal, Khurana's -> unsaid deal that the Khuranas
14. expectations and he knew that very -> expectations, and he knew, that very
15. image. he -> image. He
16. 'his girl'. -> 'his girl.'
17. But, his words ringing in her ears, -> But his words, ringing in her ears,
18. faith in her, gave -> faith in her gave
19. strength, she hit -> strength as she hit
20. his voice -> his voice.
21. "The Brothel Girl" spoke ... unanimity -> "The Brothel Girl!" spoke ... unanimity.
22. And there, stood -> And there stood
23. blood" he said ever so softly as -> blood!" he said, ever so softly, as
24. to his Dadima "Dadima, -> to his Dadima. "Dadima,
25. with her but -> with her, but
26. empire, himself -> empire himself
27. bandage her -> bandage her feet.
Thank-you so much for your wordsOriginally posted by: Viswasruti
Aah... after a long time, I finally had the chance to read a well-written descriptive scene, full of many emotions
I've only had a quick glimpse and have yet to read it extensively.
I will add my views after sometime.
Will wait for your review on this.
Thanks.Originally posted by: BrhannadaArmour
Reserved.
I have some work to do for the Plotholes & Prompts fan fiction writing event in the Saṃskṛta Text Discussion forum. After I get that work done, I'll be sure to read and comment.
Will wait for your review.
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