Hello everyone, I'm new to posting here, but I have read and enjoyed some of the fan fictions. I live in Canada where I was born, and it may be obvious from my writing that Hindi is not my language. I usually watch one or two Marathi daily dramas because I enjoy relating to not-too-crazy characters in a variety of dialects and settings. I appreciated Ashok Phaldesai's (Mandar) work in Jiv Jhala Yeda Pisa (the show was too violent for my taste, but the dialogue writer's ability to find the perfect Saṃskṛta quotation or subhāṣita for any occasion kept me watching) - and when I found out that this actor was joining Mehndi Hai Rachnewali, I caught up on the show from the beginning. If you read my story, you can probably guess what I see as the show's dramatic strengths and missteps, and what I would like to explore or resolve. Please don't hesitate to tell me if something in the story is not right in your opinion.
Wow... I can't believe this is your first write up! 👏👏
This was such a different and yet completely fair insight to Raghav Rao. Pallavi trying to weed out the bad and show him that all his good stems from wrongdoings of some sort was a reality check I wasn't expecting. You framed her thoughts SO well. Raghav's responses and counter arguments were an equal match. He held his own for as long as he possibly could and he also understood why she feels the way she does - that's the kind of honest and righteous parenting he'd want for their child anyway.
While the heavier impact of this story was their analysis of each other, I actually fell for the comic relief instead! Not to say there's anything comical about Mandaar being gay or Pallavi offending religious sentiments, but the stark difference between those characters/scenes on the show vs. your portrayal of them was highly amusing! Brilliant train of thought and exceptional execution! 👏👏
This piece was concise and yet had all the right elements of a full fledged story. I'd love to see the depth of Raghav and Pallavi's characters, personalities, and conversations similarly on screen. Don't exactly want to see Raghav in jail, but I'd love to see both of them dissecting each other and their impressions of each other via such profound dialogue.
P.S. I was just thinking the other day that if RaghVi were to have a son, he should be named Arjun. ❤️
Thank you, masin, for taking the time to write your kind reply. (And thanks to everyone who read the story, and reacted.) If Raghav went to prison and I had to write for him, it would be a challenge to keep it interesting and integrated with the characters in the outside world. I wonder if I can find a way out for him? I have to think of something less ludicrous than Lion the repeat offender and former escapee getting released for good behaviour in less time than it takes for a traffic ticket to go to trial.
Anyway, I enjoyed Raghav and Pallavi on the show when they were talking about their opposite values, more than now when they're playing dress-up. When Pallavi said to Raghav, after the shootout with Lion, that she doesn't even dream of guns, I thought that was believable, and totally incongruous with her pulling the Inspector's gun and actually shooting it. So, I decided that Raghav daydreamed what I didn't believe.
I find it silly that a country would have laws against offending religious beliefs. (Especially India, where saints have always offended the orthodoxy.) But injustice can be ironic, and thus funny in fiction. So, I imagined poor Pallavi being granted her wish this way.
This story is so long because I worked in whatever I wanted to address, even if it's implausible that Pallavi and Raghav wouldn't have had these talks long before conceiving a child together.
As for Mandar being gay, I didn't mean it as a joke, just a surprise to relieve the tragedy. I wish Indian daily dramas would have characters as diverse as the real world. There are hundreds of shows, and not one same-sex lead couple as far as I know. Not even LGBT supporting characters. (Why not ruin Manasi's wedding to Radhika instead of Rahul? She could still complain about not getting to celebrate Vaṭa-Paurṇimā like Pallavi.) I don't enjoy homophobic jokes like Ammā trying to keep Farhad away from Raghav, or Raghav reacting to Pallavi's homosexual innuendo with words like "double track" and "aisā-vaisā" that imply looseness of morals.
Why would a man leave his bride on their wedding night? Could he have run away from a heterosexual lifestyle? Why does Sharada say that Mandar was burdened by Vijay's expectations and Vijay failed as a father? Perhaps Vijay sensed that his son was different and rejected him. Why does Dr. Ramya insist that Mandar's cure is Pallavi? Her behaviour smacks of conversion therapy - which often leads to suicide attempts like Mandar's in the preview. Why does Mandar find excuses to talk to Raghav instead of just enjoying Pallavi's company? His behaviour might be expected for a closeted gay man.
If I had to fix the current writing for Mandar that I don't like, I would tie it all together this way. I welcome any different opinions.
Finally! Someone addressed the difference in the morals of the two. In my opinion it would be very hard for them to get anywhere without having such a discussion. It’s why I chose to write a separation story on them. Pallavi has collected enough proof to have him arrested and is actually being smart! Loved that she actually went to a lawyer and carried out her plan. My heart breaks for this couple because I doubt there’s any way to recover from this completely but there is hope that they shall be together. The part where Pallavi mentions that she wanted to meet her husband to ask about her other husband and ends up going to jail for offending religious sentiments was gold. Absolutely loved the addition of Mandhaar and Farhad as gay characters and the fact that it was so casual. Not comic, or the sole defining characteristic just their sexuality. Although I do find it amusing that they both ended up with each other. I’m also happy that you made the police station scene a daydream.
Coming to chapter 2, I found it the perfect mix of inner struggle and external struggle. One one side there were those messages and on the other Raghav thinking about his arrest. The messages were amazing. I was hooked. I’m happy that Vedh isn’t an idiot. You could write really good thrillers. Thank god you also managed to clear the blood donation track. Extremely well written.
Also because I’ve been honest in my praise, I’ll also give things that I didn’t like and that was just that I found Vedh’s entry from the vent a little anti climactic but other than that it was perfect.
hapc, thank you for taking the time to tell me what you liked (and not so much). Heartbreaking is exactly what I wanted this story to be. If Raghav, who lives as if he has risen above poverty and ignominy permanently, has to crack and rebuild, and deal with how his child sees him and how he himself remembers Ajit, there's a lot to explore. I read and enjoyed your story "A Parting of Ways" after writing both of these chapters. Your story makes sense, and I too considered a breakup between Raghav and Pallavi when I was writing the first chapter, but I decided that it was more dramatic for them to want to be together.
I agree that there was something off with Ved's show-stopper. This is my first attempt to write a thriller. I had to make it so that Ved couldn't be found in the room, hence the air duct idea. I don't enjoy violent scenes, and it's just silly to have enemies talking instead of seizing the chance to eliminate each other, so I got rid of Ved quickly. (For now.) Pallavi's figuring out the source of danger was a twist, wasn't it? I welcome any ideas for improvement.
Of course, the idea of setting off gunpowder raṅgolī with a lighter is nutty, but maybe that's in character for Ved? On screen, Ved just stood with his gun to Pallavi's head instead of shooting Raghav, even after disarming Raghav. And as Pallavi in my story pointed out, Ved handed a gun to Raghav to play Russian Roulette, as if Raghav couldn't just turn the gun on him, take the slips of paper, and go. Maybe I could have made Ved smarter.
By the way, I suspect that Raghav doesn't actually know how to shoot. Apologies to everyone who thinks I'm always finding fault with Raghav only; this time, I just have a feeling that he skipped the safety and training classes. That's why he keeps a loaded gun in his living room and carries it in his back pocket instead of a holster. Anyway, Raghav wouldn't bring his gun to Pooswami Old Age Home, I sincerely hope, so I had him just tackle Ved.
When Pallavi took a blood test (and got results the same day) to clear her name in the abortion story, I thought, why didn't Krishna remind her that she was told, "Your reports are all clear, you may donate blood" on March 4, just 16 days before the alleged abortion (visit to hospital) on March 20? She could have just shown the report from that visit, including a negative pregnancy test, as proof. Then, after Raghav exposed Amruta, Pallavi would have said, "How dare you interfere? I already cleared my name, see?" Raghav would have matched Jaya's operation date to Pallavi's blood donation date, noticed that the report confirmed Pallavi's blood type as AB negative, and tried to fulfill his promise to God to cherish the person who saved his mother's life. Instead of the defamation and forced marriage, we could have seen Raghav doing extravagant things for Pallavi and her family, which would annoy them, while softening Jaya's heart and convincing her that Raghav and Pallavi need each other in life.
I hope to write another story that covers the Mandar and Farhad allusions from this one. I thought that "Delivery Boy" would set the stage, as I need Raghav and Vijay to be on speaking terms.
Beautiful story! I love how Pallavi is very much in her character and Raghav is who he is, and despite the great love between them, their relationship has evolved and matured so beautifully.
Pallavi wanting a fresh start and one that is not tainted, even if it means self-sacrificing, is very much who she is. I love Raghav's nature which is to acknowledge when he is wrong.
Pallavi knows this will create a separation, and although I am a Raghvi supporter, I can empathise with her and even admire her strength in this.
I love the way your writing shows the different layers of the characters and is focused on the depth of Raghvi's relationship which is beyond the initial, honeymoon phase.
Loved it ❤️
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