Hey,
HAPPY 5th MARRIAGE ANNIVERSARY HUBBY. Never thought someday I'll wish you like this.. with just a letter, without gifts, without me to be precise but see the day has come. All I can give you right now is just a letter because whatever I am going to tell you further is something that I couldn't have told you face to face. You know na how bad I am with words and when it comes to making a conversation or opening up.... I just lose it..... I dunno where all my courage flees away but it just happens. And and and don't you dare to doubt yourself for this okay it's not you. You never were it's just me, its not like I never trusted you or something. I just couldn't open up but hey that never has been a problem between us right. Tum mujhe humesha padh lete the tumhe humesha pata hota tha kab kaun si baat mujhe pareshaan kar rahi hai ya kaun si baat mujhe khush kar deti hai, tumhaare liye shaayad main ek khuli kitaab ki tarah hu. Strange na no matter how much I tried main kabhi khud ko nhi samajh paai but somewhere you did. You know on our first anniversary when you said that you know me better than myself I wanted to laugh at you scream at you that no you understand me, cuz I believed no one can understand me, no one can know me cuz I myself never knew me. I could never understand myself. I just knew one thing ..... I wanted to fly without boundaries, without bondages, I just wanted to fly.
Before your proposal came to me I was all set I had everything to get my wings.
I had job opportunity from TLC channel. All I had to do was to just gather some courage and break all the bonds that were stopping me. But then a harsh reality hit me I am girl (not that I didn't knew already) specially a middle class one and girls can never be free of these bondages ,we are supposed to be understanding, responsible ones also dependent ones. This society that claims to protect us will never set us free. I could never tell my dad about the job opportunity that I got. I was scared of hearing the inevitable NO. So I let it go. I know you must be thinking I was stupid to do this but I had to do this it was a lost battle and according to me it was better for me to just let go. After that I did what I was trained at from my childhood I ADJUSTED first my family then with you and your family. I accepted my destiny and settled with you all and my 9 to 5 job.
Even though it was all an adjustment for me at first but later on it became something else something more than just adjustment. And this something kept scaring me I was scared of the attachment that was bonding me to you with my whole heart. I knew I had accepted you from the very beginning but attachment was a scary thought I wanted to run away. I wanted to run away from you because you were beginning to understand me something that I could never do. From my adolescence this word attachment has always scared be it because of my crushes, friendships, relationships, with my parents or the loneliness that I have always felt when I just needed someone to just be with me. There's always a phase in a girl's life where she just wants a companion no matter who it is but she just needs someone and when she doesn't gets one, it breaks something inside her. I know it sounds stupid like some adolescent teenager but what to do, that stupid lonely teenager is still inside me na who wanted a companion who could read her like a you do. You were filling the place of that companion for that teenager, wasn't I supposed to be scared. What if you came know all my secrets and leave me because of them or laugh at all my stupidities???? I was scared to trust you then but now I do I am proud of my adjustment now. If adjustment will reward me with you then I am ready to make a lot of adjustments just for you. You were the best thing that has happened to me. I got everything and much more than I could ask for. I got the care, the security and most importantly the respect that I never got.
I never understood relationships. From my childhood all I had seen was broken relationships. My dad he was having multiple extra marital affairs and my mom even after knowing all this, was mum. And me being their daughter was supposed to be the only way let out their frustration. I wanted to ask them why was I facing all this but I knew I wasnt going to get an answer, so I let it go too. I never understood whether I was their daughter to them or a mere responsibility of whom they just wanted to get rid of. It's not like that they never cared for me, they did, of course, they looked after me when I was sick also they provided me with everything but I don't know why I couldn't feel their parental care in all that I just could feel a mere responsibility who needs to be in proper condition so that some day a suitable guy will come and take her away. But in between all this I understood one thing that for a relationship to work out we need a proper understanding, trust, care, space and respect. And ours had all these to make our relationship complete, for this I can't thank you enough, cuz I know that I have been anything but easy if you hadn't handled everything the way you did then I would have kept on suffocating. Thanks for letting me breath freely. You always knew that no matter how well I try to adjust, it's going to suffocate me. It was suffocating me. The only sanity of mine in all this were you, only you were binding me to all this. Relationships for me has always been a bondage, so has been ours. I always thought that relationships are not meant for me but later on I realised am the one who's not meant for relationships. No matter how much affectionate is someone towards me I just can't return it with same intensity. Why am I like this I never knew, not even now I could find it maybe later on I will.
The pull towards that unknown freedom is so strong that it has torn me, I don't want to leave you but I can't live with you either. In these years that I have spent with you a lot has happened we laughed, we cried, we suffered, and in all this we've together. But I can see something is missing there, something from my part and that something is bothering you too. I am incomplete without my freedom. I am tired of living for everyone except me. I am tired of finding the solace which I can only when I leave everything behind, with only relation of mine with myself. I sound like utter selfish I know but what can be expected from a girl who's just lost in all this. You know what's most suffocating in all this is, that I can't return you what you have given me. I can't be the perfect fit for you cuz it's costing me myself.
I never told you but my friends keep teasing me with your name. They say that my husband is a love sick puppy he loves me a lot. Do you? I don't know about you neither I know about me cuz let's face it we both are unaware of this concept of love no matter how much romantic stuff we read or watch in movies these are stories afterall. And how can something happen between two people when both are unaware of that stuff. If caring, wanting, respecting, always trying keep your partner happy and being there for them is love then yes I do love you otherwise I don't know. And frankly I don't want to know because for me love was never that important. When you came in my life you gave me everything that I have always yearned for. My wings and respect. And when I have these two I don't need love. Even if we both never love each other our relationship is strong enough for both of us to let each other go for our happiness. We were happy with each other but we both knew we wanted something else, you wanted a perfect family life and I wanted a nomadic one. Yesterday when you gave me these divorce papers along with the courage and opportunity to fulfill my long lost dreams my respect for you increased thousand times. I don't know about you but for me it's you and only you. I hope you find someone who can fulfill all your dreams but there's just one request from you, last one. I know there's a place in your heart for me please keep that safe, I know I sound selfish but I don't want to lose my companion who has always been there with me. And lastly I want to say I am going to miss you a lot maybe I am going to cry too reminiscing our beautiful moments but they are going to be safe with me till my last breath. It's not that I haven't cried earlier reminiscing them but that time you were there to wipe my tears but now you won't be there. Hey that's ok don't worry you know that I am strong right. Besides these memories are part of you and you are never going make me weak, right. But sometimes you do, just like now, a part of me wants me to tear these divorce papers and let my dreams go again but I won't, cuz for my dreams you have somewhere sacrificed too. I know you expected alot with our marriage, from me but I couldn't give you anything. I couldn't be the wife you wanted. I know how difficult it must have been for you to let me go but you did, .... For me. I am sorry.
It's truly said you can't love someone as much as you can miss them. I'll miss you. And I can't thank you enough for our little forever even though it was of numbered days but it was memorable. I promise even if those moments will go down the memory lane but I won't let the feeling fade away.
Goodbye...
Asad
Holding her last letter in his hands he wiped the lone tears that escaped from his eyes
"I surely love you Zoya and that's why I let you go"
comment:
p_commentcount