This is the first anime coming from India. It’s a Bengali one called Karma Chakra. I’m damn proud of them ! 👏 There are others too in the pipeline coming by 2020. Guys pls give your support to them.
Coincidentally Pakistan too produced it’s first anime movie The Glassworker.
Technical Review
Story Description : Begin Again - Because some times in life, instead of giving up, we should just begin again.
A man can be destroyed but not defeated
Those words from your story description touched my heart. I’m going through a similar phase so I could identify with it.
Story
Chapter 1 :
Evelyn from the first para I could identify with her. I too can’t handle the stress of leaving things at the last minute. But after that it wasn’t an easy read.
Simply put it’s clunky. When i say clunky, I don’t mean grammar or tense. It’s the overall flow of your writing. It’s as if you’re trying too hard write each sentence differently. To reinvent each sentence so as to differentiate one from the other. Either that or you’re directly translating from a 2nd language. By any chance when writing this were your thought processes in Hindi ? Whatever the reason the result is the use of language here feels unnatural. That includes the dialogues at times.
To illustrate
Para 2 - “It was obvious on her side to wonder what made her an exception.”
Some of Kelly’s dialogues - “Have u started taking drugs Caleb ? “ (I get that it means are u mental ? Still a tad unnatural to read)
Evan - “ His facial expression did not acquire a slightest alteration ..... make out that he was troubled.”
Para after mentioning Valencia - “Evan shrugged it off .... Evan insisted to keep the plan as it was.”
“Melody by the strings of guitar touched Evelyn’s soul... “
These are not normal every day expressions we use in our conversations. They are just a few of the examples that took me out of the story.
Then there is the odd placement of prepositions here and there in this chapter.
For eg
Para 1 - “under pressure of the last minute left ...”
Kelly - “first one to react on Valencia’s mention.”
The last & most important one is deductions. I had to pause mid reading, many times this chapter, to work out what exactly were you trying to say through your characters, your story...
For eg.
Evelyn - “Her knowledge said aloud in her mind ... Precious four “ ( I understand this is a substitute for the italics, but I didn’t work that out until i read your intro in the bottom)
Caleb - “Kelly if you’ll give me a chance to speak then I will be... What are u eating these days in lunch by the way ? Sherlock Holmes ? “ (Took me a while to understand what Caleb meant ..he was asking why Kelly was being so nosy ?)
Meaning of the Tittle of Chapter 1 was unclear
Para where you wrote about Precious 4 losing their album... Sentence was “It just couldn’t stay masked.” - Had to work out that bit. You meant they couldn’t hide their feelings from each other didn’t you ?
You really made me work for it. I felt a bit like a code cracker deciphering cryptic meanings. This disrupted my flow of reading. Took me out of the story.
Chapter 2 :
It had the same problems as chapter 1 but on the whole lesser clunkier & much more smoother. It definitely was easier to read. And definitely a major improvement.
A few points tho
Tittle wise Chapter 2’s felt appropriate. It was also better to understand.
“Jesus please take care of Evan’s tensions” - That sentence could be interpreted both ways. It took me a sec to realise Evelyn was actually praying to God not exclaiming “Jesus ! You need to take care of Evan’s tensions !” to someone .
Referring to Evan as ‘The Boy’, several times in the story, when describing him made Evelyn sound like an old granny not a young person unless you’re thinking in context of ’Woh Ladka’. Same for the “Uss ladke ki awaaz main wo jaadu thi, ki log uski awaaz par mar mithne ke liye tayyar the ” - The boy had the voice....many would lay their lives for. ( Just my opinion tho )
Another unnatural sentence- “I look beyond what is visible... spend some quality time in understanding the concealed.”
By the way were you hinting at Evelyn having some kind of supernatural power cause her being perceptive about Caleb’s state of mind is not that convincing an argument.
Chapter 2 was definitely intriguing tho. 👍🏼
In your writing i can feel .. I don’t how to explain it... you write with insight into relationships/ characters/ experiences .. You’re very perceptive that way. I can feel that warmth & sensitivity emanating from you but it’s lost underneath all that clunk.
Regarding subject matter : I’m not into Teen / YA novels I wasn’t even into the Twilight series. Still for this platform teen novels is appropriate. Keeping that background of your reader in mind i found your story mildly interesting. But there was nothing so far that really grabbed at me. - The X Factor as u say. Although it’s still too early to tell. We’re only 2 chapters in. Your words need to be alive to touch my heart.
Hope this helps. Next time if u want a different feedback rather than a technical one let me know. All the best 👍🏼
My mother 3 years ago suffered head injury from a road accident. She had numerous complications but the one i noticed was she had problems in cognitive thinking. I kept telling the neurologists here but they brushed it off as advancing old age. I don't if it is TBI or not. But some of the symptoms do match it. It scares me that i don't have the answers & i don't know how to help her. I live in Mumbai. If someone can get in touch with me would appreciate it.
I hear you. Let me clarify
What i meant by that question “Do you write for yourself or for your readers ?”
It’s not to change your story/style to please the readers but to seduce them with your story. Make them keep coming back for future updates. As opposed to if u didn’t care about manipulating your readers emotions when writing. Specifically to this scene i asked if the sentence could be written with more impact so readers could identify with Evans pain / be curious about him. When reading this portion you feel a bit of a disconnect to the character. Like finding an unexpected speed bump when driving. It was never about understanding...the meaning was always clear. It was about connection...emotional connection.
It’s a good idea to take feedback from a lot of people. Beta readers are necessary for a writers growth. If that list could include experienced writers rather than beginners the quality of your feedback would go up. Your writing would benefit.
Whatever you want to discard or keep from the feedback i give you it’s not an issue with me.
From your response it felt that you thought i was putting you down. I just wanted to clear that mu. I redraft my review several times before i even send it.
If i’ve been hard on you it’s because you told me you were considering make a living off writing. I thought that apart from the good if I told you the bad parts of your writing it could help you. It’s something I would have wanted for myself when my time comes.
There was also this factor to consider that making a transition from IF to professionally writing is a big adjustment. They are wonderful with their praises but they seldom tell you what they don’t like about it. I thought if i started with mild criticisms you would get used to it. It won’t feel like a complete shock later on when you receive them for real. As you know people can sometimes spew venom.
I want to state here that I’m not forcing myself to read nor do i find your work boring. Perhaps i was tactless in my first pm. There was a reason behind what i said. I’ll tell you that another time. This post is long as it is.
Until now i was operating on ‘what i would have liked some one do for me...’ school of thought now i’ll ask you what is it that you really need ? If u want me to stop giving feedback i’ll stop.
All the best
Sure pls do.
Okay for this story Nazar's back story would have to be reinvented. The present plotline would be the same.
But it goes like this
In a previous lifetime thousands of yrs ago in Daayan lok Ansh was Viren ( Well i was going to go for Vibhishan but dunno ) - A demon ( no not davansh) who was close to Mo.
Mo at that time was prosperous. She was happy. She had a family & friends of her own. Among them was Narsi who would often counsel on many matters. He was known to be very wise among his peers.
She was an Immortal then. Very few could achieve her status. The rest like Viren had a limited lifespan.
Viren was jealous of what Mo had. Pretending to be her friend he in an underhanded way got her family friends killed off. He destroyed her world. He stripped her off her immortality & most of her powers. She now was an ordinary Daayan with 250 years left to live. ( In this version you could say he was actually treacherous like mo of Nazar while mo here was more trusting )
When she came to know of his treachery she went to kill him. Realising the error of his ways he begged for forgiveness. Paying no heed she was about to kill him when Narsi intervened. She could kill him anytime but what about her life. She would die soon for 250 years was nothing for an Immortal. Narsi had a solution in mind. Viren must be reborn as a Davansh. Not just any Davansh but he needed to born from a powerful Dayanvanshi's lineage. That's why her son. When he came of age she could eat him & avoid dying.
Viren to repent for his crimes agreed to to be reborn. Mo reluctantly agreed for this.
So he came to be born into Rathod parivaar.
20 yrs ago Ved misunderstood about Mo killing Mridul or maybe Mridul wasn't such a good guy. Dunno. Do she had her sealed in a box with Divya's help.
Mo has him married to Ruby to get out. Then imprisoned Divya in retaliation.
When she comes out what does she find ? Our viren forgot himself. He is now our kind hearted mild mannered Ansh.
Hiding behind his family & gf He uses them as his shield. Whether she likes it or not they are obstacles to her path. Very sneaky indeed.
Even if she tells them the truth they won't believe her neither will Ved give up her son.
So Mo has no choice but to play the game. She dons the garb of Villain & does everything in her power to extract Ansh from them.
Even holding Divya ransom to seperate Piya & Ansh & later on killing her so that Piya isn't a daivik anymore. She later revives Divya & keeps her imprisoned till her mission is completed.
This the first part of the story.
This story takes place during the first season when Daivik was needed to save Ansh from turning evil ie complete Davansh. Before they even married. For the story to work Nazar's backstory has to be reinvented. Season one's plotline stays more or less the same. Minor adjustments here & there.
I call it Inverted Image
250 years ago in another dimension Mo was once an Immortal. A very powerful Daayan at that. There were other supers apart from Daayans by the way. Not all Immortals. I wouldn't say Mo was good but she was humane. Not the treacherous Mo we know now. Say someone with a good heart but a ruthless outlook on life..Grey shaded perhaps. 🤔
Anyway she was happy in that life. The people that mattered most to her were in it. Her family friends. ( No Pr or Dola ) One of them was Gagraaj & Viren (I wanted to name him Vibhishan). Gaagraaj was one of the wisest beings there. Everyone sought counsel from him.
The other friend Viren was a weak character. He gradually started envying Mo for everything she had. That included her powers & endless life. He was like treacherous Mo of serial Nazar. So blinded was he by his jealousy that he used deceit to gain her powers. It backfired. Her family & friends became the casulty. He destroyed her world. Reducing her powers to a mere Ekayan's. Worse he stripped her of her Immortality. she had only 250 years left. For an Immortal who lived for centuries that's really short.
Horrified by what he had done. It was too late to ask forgiveness when she came to kill him. Narsi stopped her. She could kill him anytime but what about her. She would die soon. If Viren agreed to sacrifice his life Mo could extend hers.
For that he had to be reborn as a Davansh from a very powerful Daayan vanshi's line. In order to return Mo's life & her powers to her. That's why Mo's son. When he reached his full powers Mo could cosume his life force. Killing 2 birds with one stroke she'd have her revenge & prevent her death.
Viren wanting to repent volunteers himself.
20 years back. Mo selected Mridul. In exchange for riches he agreed to father a child. Either Mo killed him because he was a baddie or somebody else did. Ved misunderstood the whole thing locked her up in a box with Divya's help.
Mo to free herself recruits Ruby to marry her son.
She also captures Divya in retaliation.
When she comes out what does she find. In place of Viren she finds kind hearted mild mannered Ansh. Bugger has completely forgotten his past. Mo understood he's hiding behind his family & Daivik.
They are definitely in her path to attain her goals.
If she told them they won't believe her plus it's highly unlikely they'd give up Ansh.
She doesn't want to kill off innocent people. Neither can she outright kidnap Ansh. The Daivik is definitely going to be a problem. Until she's there Ansh can't turn a complete Davansh.
That leaves her no choice but to play Viren's game. She pretends to be the villain to gain Viren / Ansh.
That's the first part anyway.
What do think ?
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