Sameer OS - Walking Away

It was dark and cold outside. The wind was making some strange noises,  gushing through the big courtyard and whistling through numerous corridors. Sameer was in his bed holding on to his pillow for his dear life sobbing away quietly or at least trying to be quiet. He had been told time and again to man up and that everything would turn out okay. They told him he would meet and make new friends. But he didn't want to! He just wanted to be with her. As she finished unpacking his stuff, she ruffled his hair one last time, kissed his forehead and whispered to him to take care of himself. And then she turned and started walking out of the door. Sameer screamed asking her to not leave him, promising that he would be good. She half turned and stated that it was too late for that now, breaking his heart into a million jagged pieces that would pierce his soul for a long time to come. 

Sameer woke up sweating profusely, his heart hammering and with a bitter taste in his mouth. It was a nightmare that had haunted him for years, after his mom left him at the boarding school. It was familiar yet unexpected. It had been years since he had woken up in cold sweat because of it. He had thought he had finally got rid of it. But here it was again today. But something had been different... it had seemed more frightening tonight. Suddenly he realised that tonight the woman in the doorway though dressed like his mom had a different face, it was his Naina. 

He tried to calm himself down thinking that would never be... his Naina would never leave him! And then an instant later he realised that his reality was even worse than that nightmare. His Naina had indeed left him. How he wanted to fall asleep and dream that old familiar nightmare! At least when he dreamt that,  there had been some part of his semiconscious mind that would reassure him that this would end. 

He grabbed the bottle of water from his side table and gulped some down without bothering with the glass next left next to it. He wondered how was it possible to wake up from a nightmare and find yourself immediately living another. 

It had been almost two months now since Naina had shared her decision to breakup with him. No, shared is not the right word he decided. Sharing has an element of caring for the other he thought angrily! The first couple of weeks he had refused to accept this decision and set about trying to make her see the gaps in her rationale. He had time and again tried to reassure her that they and their relationship was different than Arjun and Shefali. He was strong enough to stand up for them both even if she faltered and that she was much stronger than she gave herself credit for. But her fathers attempted suicide, had shaken her to the core and left just a shell behind.

He tried to cajole her with little love notes and reminders of all their lovely moments plus the testing times that they had been through together too. When this failed to provoke a reaction, he resorted to hurting himself knowing she couldn't bear to see him in pain. As expected she couldn't stop herself from responding, only it was not the expected response. To stop him from physically hurting himself, she responded in kind hurting herself similarly, whether it was punching the wall or eating green chillies. 

Sameer gave up that path and resigned himself to a long wait. He strongly believed that she couldn't stay away for more than a week or so. But then the days slowly turned into weeks and weeks into months. With time his optimism was slowly replaced with dread and anguish. 

The scars and fears from long ago started resurfacing. He found himself desperately praying and negotiating with God... asking Him had he not been good this time too? In some corner of his heart he believed that his mother had abandoned him because he had been rude and naughty in her new husband's household. But why was Naina leaving him? Had he not been a perfect gentleman with her? He knew he had been a little stupid at times, but it had all been small stuff.

Was he just not meant to be loved? Did he not deserve love? It had proved so elusive all his life. His mom had chosen to leave him behind to make a new life for herself. She had embraced a new family leaving him sobbing in the walls of that boarding school. And now Naina was doing something very similar, whatever her motives were. Naina had chosen her father and the perceived honour of her family over him. Once again as the second most important woman of his life decided to embrace a new life for herself, he was being left behind. He had been convinced that she really understood him... all the broken pieces of his soul... and had the ability to mend them. 

What was the point of his being if nobody wanted him? Was he so inconsequential? Would anybody really mourn him if he was gone tomorrow? And even if they did... just for how long? After all, they all had their precious families to attend to! 

Well, maybe it was time to walk away from all this pain and pointless attachment. Rather than waiting for someone else to walk away from him, he could walk away from all... leave everyone and everything behind.. ensure that he does not get caught in this same web of lies and expectations ever again. Yes, that's what he would do. Renounce the world and take Sanyas.