The silvery light day was ebbing to a close. Today had been a busy day as Asfand and Zubiya had tried to complete as much of the sightseeing as possible. Asfand had been reluctant as he wanted to catch up on his sleep. Gaiti had however urged them to go around and had threatened to not let them back till they got a bunch of pictures. Zubiya being the obedient friend she was, had then managed to convince her reluctant husband. Now they were back at their hotel where Zubiya was spending time at the main hotel garden trying to read a book while Asfand had gone down to the cottage for a nap. She put down her book and glanced at the beautiful coastal scenery the palm trees, stretched across the silvery backwaters while the sky leaked all the colors of the pallete in the early evening.
Just then a young couple came into the same garden and occupied the next deck chair. Zubiya's own chair was set behind a row of dense palmyras so she was not visible to the young couple, but she had a good view of them. They looked like they were newly married and the girl especially sounded really young and excited. Zubiya stole a look at them through her sun glasses. The girl was very young and pretty, dressed in a pale pink sun dress and with a large floppy hat. Her easy dimpled smile and the flushed complexion made Zubiya guess she was 17 or 18. Her breathless enthusiasm and her sweet words reminded Zubiya of how she herself had been at the age of 17. Her companion was lying back on the lounger, not saying much and Zubiya could not see him as the girl was leaning towards him.
Zubiya was just drifting back to her book, when she heard the girl's voice raised insistently saying to the man, " Why cant we go back home now? I am sure they will be fine with us. They call my cell phone ten times a day, Why cant I reply ? . The man's voice sounded curt and angry, I will decide when you will speak to your parents. And don't you dare call them up. Not a word to anyone till I allow. The girl protested loudly. The man stood up suddenly, caught the girl's hand and firmly and angrily marched her away.
Zubiya's blood had already drained from her body at the sound of his voice and as she looked at them, her fears were confirmed. It was Rameez. She shrank back into her seat as they walked past, he literally dragging the girl. They did not notice her.
Zubiya put her book down with trembling hands and took off her sun glasses. Her forehead was covered with sweat. And her heart was beating unevenly and loudly. A disabling fear, just like the one she used to feel for many years, flooded her being. Jerkily she got up, looked for her beach sandals, picked up her hat and half ran off towards her own beach house.
When she reached the room, she slowed down and stood undecided. Should she tell Asfand about him? Still trembling she sat down on the steps outside the beach house. She knew that he was aware of Rameez, but they had never talked about it. And now, even though she knew her husband was a very understanding man, she some how felt reluctant to drag him to that unedifying phase of her life, which she herself wanted to forget. For Zubiya, the past was a deep dark place, a smelly, unholy cataclysm, which she had learnt to keep in control but had not had the courage to completely solve and put away forever.
She sat there and breathed hard to calm herself. She thought her past was like an old wound, scratch at the surface and it started to bleed right away. She was herself surprised by the intensity with which she felt the pain at seeing Rameez. The hatred for him and also for her own self, pity at the innocent 16 year old that she had been, the sorrow at the forgiveness she had begged for and never received, the desolation at being left alone and her existence ignored by the brother and father whom she depended upon for her life, the long years fighting with herself over her mistake and gradually building a wall around herself brick by brick, layer upon layer, where she trapped herself in repentance for the sin she had not committed. She couldn't possibly take Asfand to such a place and complicate his life. She got up slowly and went inside.
Asfand was watching television when she went in, having finished his nap. Happily, he patted the sofa next to him to come sit down. She pretended not to have noticed the gesture and went and sat on a chair a little away.
A: "Hey you are back. I am feeling so good after a nap. All the sightseeing- so boring. I am happy you can now prove to Gaiti Bhabhi that we did step out of our room. Because I am not going anywhere after this. Only 48 hours more and back to work. I am going to concentrate on you every single minute of the 48 hours. "
Z: looking at him and trying to smile, Would you like me to make you some tea? Without waiting for a reply, she got up and busied herself in the pantry attached.
A: "Zubi I don't want tea. But I do want you. Can you please come here and not make an infernal racket with cups and spoons?
Z: (with forced gaiety) "Too late, tea is already ready and besides I am dying for some tea.
A: "Okay if that is what you want. "
Z: coming out with the tea cups and handing over his to him. "Can we sit outside in the open? And without waiting for a reply, she walked out, leaving him a bit taken aback.
He found her on the deck, watching the sun set with her sunglasses on , her tea untouched. They sat in silence and he thought that even sitting with her in silence was so restful. He watched the sky turn a passionate periwinkle blue, streaked with pink and purple hues, the sea an impossible mossy green. The sun. a beautiful big golden orange orb, sank silently into the waves , soaking up all the colors from the sea and the sky, turning everything into a deep indigo hue. The almost mystical experience as nature spread its mysterious darkness of the night moved him and he caught her hand lying on the table. Only to have her jerk it away harshly. He looked at her in surprise, and saw she still had her sun glasses on and her tea was untouched.
She said, " Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
A: "What happened?
Z: "Nothing. Something startled me. Come let's go inside.
She sat down in front of the television and flipped through the channels. Asfi watched her, carefully, because she never watched television. He decided to give her space and not bother her till she was ready to say what was on her mind. So he sat down and they both pretended to watch television. He could see she was tense like a coil under pressure and deadly quiet.
At last, she switched off the TV and looked at him and said, "Can you talk to me about your brother? What was he like?
A: ( not really sure where this was going, but humouring her) ,"Well Daniyal Bhai was my most favorite person in the world since I remember. He was always there, a playmate, a guide, a protector and he understood me thoroughly. When they say brothers are welded at souls, they must mean him, because he understood me like no one else did, even better than me myself. (thinking deeply) He was like the sun, fearless, fair and as if illuminated with his own light. I failed him but I know he would never have failed me.
Z: ( staring at the ground unseeingly): "Would he have forgiven you for failing him? Can brothers forgive each other for failing?
A: "Yes, he would have... Yes brothers do forgive each other, because you cannot be angry with someone who is a part of your own self. "
Z: "And if someone is not able to forgive their brother, does it make them bad?
A: "Well, even more than forgiving anyone else, first the person has to forgive himself or herself, I think. " ( finally, vaguely, understanding where this is heading)
He watched her as she considered his reply still looking at the ground. She looked pale and tense. Her fists clenched, speaking in a low voice.
Z: " My... mother... would have forgiven me. ( her voice breaking at the mention of her mother)
Asfi watched her, understanding the turmoil somewhat, but afraid to break the moment.
Zubiya looked up, swallowed hard. He saw the tormented eyes, lips forcibly compressed as if she didn't want to say anything else. She quickly got up and walked out of the room. He followed her and caught up with her outside. She was standing against the wall shaking with silent sobs she was desperately trying to subdue, trembling. He caught her in a hug, but she shook his hands off as if she couldn't stand being touched. He tried to keep his arms around her as she fought and struggled like a wild thing; still held her while she struggled to escape, refusing to let go till she stopped trembling and at last her tears started. Her silent tears were flowing unchecked now and she offered no resistance when he hugged her to himself. She cried till she felt exhausted and empty and as she leaned her head on his wet shirt, realized that she had cried like this after an eternity. The accumulated hurt, fear and anger of many years. He gently kissed her on her forehead. She disengaged herself from him and went and sat on the lounger. He stood questioningly near her, unsure whether she wanted to be alone, and after a few moments, she gently shifted and made space for him to sit down next to her.
Z: ( speaking softly, hesitantly) "My mother died when I was 15. It was not a natural death, and it happened as she tried to defend me. One moment she was there and the next she was gone. I went silent that night and did not cry or speak for many weeks. Our home became a living nightmare from that day onwards and I desperately wanted to run away. My mother was my sole friend, my anchor in the whole world. With her gone, I was anchorless, powerless, rootless, nothing had any meaning. I didn't know what had happened was a crime, I was too young and too innocent to do anything except blame myself. All I wanted was to flee my life, that home, my father and brother. I had undergone a major psychological breakdown in my grief and guilt, and was trying to cope with it without any help.
Into this came a boy who recognized how vulnerable I was and how lonely. I guess I was too innocent to understand anything, because I had led a very sheltered life. He offered me an escape, a false hope, I became enamored of the escape he was offering me. He was unscrupulous and I was too innocent. The trust that I put in him got destroyed the day he tried to lay a finger on me, but I escaped him, thanks to you. What I could not escape was the shame, the blame and the hell that became my life after that moment.
That day when you dropped me home, I saw the death of hope and everything good in my life. It was almost as if I saw the sun going out and an eternal darkness dawned in my life. The hurt, the fear, the anger. I locked myself in and little by little I learnt to build a wall around me so I could survive. I became silent, I stopped trusting words. I stopped trusting emotions, I stopped trusting people and I stopped trusting myself. The only solace came from my father, who in his repentance allowed me to study medicine. That was my only life- my studies, I poured myself into it because there was nothing else that could help me ease the pain except to learn to take care of people hurting even more badly.
My father, burning in his own guilt and sorrow fell ill and I took care of him for all those years till he too passed away. I promised myself I would never get as hurt I had been, even if that meant I would never allow myself to get close to anyone. My heart became like it was encased in ice. I didn't expect any happiness. I didn't expect love or anything. I just hoped to put as big a distance between my life as it was so I could forget my past.
Asfand, his heart torn by pity and admiration for this much younger woman, listened quietly. Facing such savagery at the hands of the people who were supposed to love her and protect her and keep her safe and happy. An enemy who shares your home, your life and your soul- how is a small child to defend herself against such predators.
Looking at the odds faced by her, it was a miracle that this girl, had fought on, become a physician, opted for a life where she could take care of people's pain, and not lost her compassion and direction in her life. She was easily the most compassionate person he knew, quick to reach out to anyone going through hard times; quick to empathize with others and offer herself, her love to anyone she found hurting. He had found himself drawn to her quiet understanding and compassion and had been fascinated by how she had bound every person he knew to herself. He himself knew how she had bound him to herself, by soft, silken but strong threads of love and compassion, gentleness and acceptance, till she had become like the air he breathed in , as necessary and as undeniable.
A: (clearing his throat): "I don't know how to say this Zubiya, but I am honoured to know you and I am most certain, I don't deserve someone as beautiful and worthy as you as my life partner. I feel humbled that you chose me.
Zubiya looked up surprised
A: "What were you like when your mother was alive?
Z: "Like every 15 year old I guess. I used to laugh and sing and be indulged and petted, throw tantrums, want things, hug her without any reason, and tell her all my thoughts. She would call me her pretty daughter and tell me about life and warn me about men. With her, I had no fear, or if I had fears then I felt protected. Later on I felt my looks became my burden, I literally wanted to hide myself because I didnt trust anyone. "
Asfand looked at his lovely wife, her lovely downcast eyes and remembered how he kept falling deeper in love with her eyes every time she looked at him. He felt fiercely glad that she had agreed to marry him because he didn't think he could ever love anyone as much as he loved her.
A: "I want to ask you a question? May I ?
Zubiya nodded yes
A: "You know Khajista, would you blame her for all that has happened in her life?
Or if Saim at 14 years of age wants to drive a car and I allow him, who is to be blamed if he has an accident, he or I?
Or If you had a daughter, and something similar happened to her, would you think she should be blamed for it or her parents are responsible? "
Zubiya listens to him quite shocked.
A: "We can blame people for what they do if they have the mental capacity to take those kind of decisions. If by law, by societal norms, they are not old enough to take those decisions , they are innocent of whatever consequences happen. Some adult, some caregiver has to take the fall, not you. "
In the long silence that followed, Zubiya thought about it and as he watched her, she managed a tremulous smile.
A: "Want some dinner?
Z: "Yes.
In the restaurant, he watched her, her eyes red from tears, looking fragile. She was quiet and thinking about their conversation, he could see. They were just about to leave, when she held his arm, and said "Give me five minutes. Don't ask me why.
He nodded and she looked at him very oddly and left.
He saw her go outside to a table set on the patio, where he could see a man sitting with a girl. The man had his back to him so Asfand didn't recognize him. He saw Zubiya stop at the table and speak to the man. He observed the man stood up hurriedly, in shock and the girl opposite to him, whom Asfand could see clearly, a young pretty girl, stared from Zubiya's face to the man's face perplexed at whatever was happening. He had never seen his wife look as angry and contemptuous while she spoke to the man, looking at him in the eye, while the man visibly shrank back and seemed to be imploring Zubiya for something. Then he saw her turn to the girl, and her expression softened, she seemed to be explaining something to the girl, who started looking bewildered and then her face crumpled in shock. The girl looked at Zubiya and back to the man. Zubiya reached out to the girl and patted her on her hand, speaking to her as if to a child. And then turning back to the man, she spoke again harshly and with full authority, her eyes flashing with anger and contempt, the man stood with his head bowed, uncomfortable and ready to run away. She at last seemed to be asking him a question to which he shamefacedly nodded yes. A last look at the young girl, and Asfand saw his wife turn away from that table and walk back to him. As she reached their table, the young girl who had followed Zubiya, tapped her from behind.
She asked Zubiya " What must I do?
Zubiya looked at her with kindness, "You must go back home, away from him. And then you must forgive yourself. She reached out and patted the girl on her cheek and smoothed her hair, smiling at her, eyes bright with compassionate tears. The girl turned away and with one last look ,so did Zubiya.
She smiled at him even though her eyes were swimming in tears and slipped her hand into his and said "let's go..
A: "Who was that? "
Z: "Just a ghost from the past who had to be buried into the earth.
She snuggled closer to him.
He smiled.
Later that night, he was awakened and found she wasn't at his side. He felt alert and anxious in a trice and quickly went looking for her. The pantry light was on and he breathed a sigh of relief when he found her sitting on the counter top, wrapped in a bath sheet, eating the pack of instant noodles that the pantry was stocked with. She offered him the steaming bowl as she carefully wound the noodles around the fork.
A: "Disgusting! Sorry I cannot eat that
Z: " I was very hungry. And there wasn't anything else. Besides everything tastes so good after a bath.
A: " I am still not used to you having baths at all hours of the day. Normal people make do with two. If you didn't go to work, you would probably take four or five. I wonder why " he pretended to think.
Z: " Don't try your psychoanalysis with me. It isn't because I feel dirty, but because it makes everything feel new. So whenever I feel bored with something... She laughed at him.
A: " Did you just say you are bored of me? he teased her back
Z: " No I just meant I am bored of myself and should try out something new she laughed
A: "Did you just mean what I thought you meant? with incredulous delight.
Z: " Did someone tell you, you have a single track mind? You are right, this does taste disgusting making a face, she went to brush her teeth.
She felt so light and happy. Free of some big burden. She went and stood in front of the bed where he lay watching her. She quickly dropped the sheet and then her confidence abandoned her at the last moment, she lost her composure, and tumbled into bed gracefully but hurriedly.
His muffled laughter, beneath her, teasing her about her unceremonious flop into the bed "Was that the surprise?
She looked down at her husband, laughing about her loss of nerve and enjoying her shyness.
She determinedly knelt by his side and wandered and lost her way till he wasn't laughing at her anymore. She had found her way home.
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