Originally posted by: SanFrangirl
#6
This happens after Zubiya gets injured trying to save Asfandyar melodramatic stuff which I can not write please read on ... Caution-- longish read
Zubiya was recuperating at Dr Asifa's home. After the accident and the firing she had been been in shock. Though she had already spent a few days in the hospital and the wound on her shoulder was healing nicely. The first few days she was drugged and hardly aware of what was happening. The wound did not pain that much except when she moved her shoulder but there was a psychological pain she was filled with. She really did not want to meet people and even when Dr Asfandyar visited her every couple of hours she mostly pretended to be asleep. In fact every person she knew and loved made her want to close her eyes. She actively wished they would go away. It was apparent to Dr Shehroze that she needed more time to come out of her shock. Asfandyar would come every chance he got . The days she was up and he came in she resolutely refused to meet his eyes and would speak very little, making it clear she didn't want to speak .
Dr Shehroze, told him that she was suffering from Post Traumatic Distress Syndrome, which happens to a lot of survivors of violence. Asfandyar could not even tell him that in the case of Zubiya, the violence was not this one incident rather her entire life. Dr Shehroze understood that she just wanted to heal alone and once she was better Dr Asifa asked her to come stay with them in their house up in the hills. She agreed because of all the people there, they were the most stable and least emotional. Dr Shehroze explained this to Asfi and said that
"I know you want to take care of her but she is too raw to deal with emotions. Let her heal at our place. "
Lubna and Usman were waiting when Gaiti and Asfi walked in . Lubna was disappointed and she had been wanting to have Zubiya come stay with them so they could take care of her. The entire family was so grateful to Zubiya that they were only wanting to take care of her during convalescence. They were really disappointed but what could they do. Usman especially was very insistent that they give Zubiya the space. He noticed Asfi was very quiet during dinner and guessed that he was hurt Zubiya did not want to spend time with them. After dinner he went to Asfi who was standing outside in the cool moonlight and put his arm on his shoulder.
He said " Son sometimes you have to let people go in order for them to find their way back to you. It is not as if she is rejecting you, she has to let her past go before she can come back to you. You do not need a bigger proof of her love; so now it is time for you to show her the same
When he heard his father, Asfi felt better. He so badly wanted to go to her and just erase all the past and tell her it was over. But it seemed like it wasn't over yet for her. He sighed and went to his room dejectedly.
Zubi was feeling much better with Dr Asifa and Dr Shehroze. They were non- intrusive, kind and asked no questions. They were out of the house most day and when they returned home they were glad to spend time in telling her the hospital news and professional chit chat.
She could move about on her own and sometimes stood at the window, looking at the hospital. She knew he was there, and she could feel the waves of anxiety he must be suffering from waiting for her. And his impatience. But she needed to think this through. She was relieved that they knew of her past but she didn't know if it could again become an issue. She felt guilty for causing Asfandyar so much trouble. He hadn't even wanted to get involved with Khajista and she had caused so much harm to him. In a way she was glad she got hit because it was divine justice. She didn't want that any of her misfortune should rub off on Asfi. Every morning she would go to the bottom of the garden where there was a sheer drop and stand there. And she would wonder if everyone she had ever loved was condemned to leave her.
One day she was standing in the garden under the tree, when she heard the gate open, turned back and found Dr Haroun was standing there.
He said " Kaisi hain aap? Mujhe maloom hai aap kisi se milna nahi chahti par mujhe maaloom hai aap hospital ki chai zaroor miss kar rahi hongi . Isliye main aaj le kar aaya hoon. Kahein to pila doon?
He was so warm and funny and sweet that Zubi started smiling.
" Haan kyun nahi she gestured to the table and they sat down and he poured her a cup from the flask he had brought. He carried on his funny bantering and before long she started smiling. She remembered that he was the first person who had become her friend and in fact for the longest time he was her sole friend in this place before she found Gaiti.
Dr Haroun told her all the news, namak mirch lagake and gave her all the gossip. She laughed and laughed at his description of the latest crisis in the nursing staff. Then he broached what used to be their favorite topic, their boss, Hitler. She sobered up a bit and Dr Haroun observed her kindly but just carried on as if he hadn't noticed her slight start at his name.
" Dr Zubiya, aap sun rahi hai na? Aj kal toh Hitler sahib kuch kehte hi nahi. Na jhaarte hain, na naaraaz hote hain. Chup chap kaam karte hain . Par banda ghar hi nahi jaata. 16-17 ghante hospital mein hi rehta hai. Is se toh purana Hitler hi behtar tha, Zaleel karke ghar toh chala jaata tha aur hum bhi ghar chale jaate the. Aaj kal toh who hum sabki who halat kar raha hai...
She looked at him and smiled uncertainly. But Dr Haroun pretended as if he did not notice anything and proceeded to give her a blow by blow account of all that Dr Asfandyar had done or said in the last few days. She was quiet but listening intently.
Dr Haroun said, Ab aap jab join kar lengi toh aapko bhi ajeeb lagega unka is kadar chup rehna
She looked down and then decided to change the topic , Gaiti kaisi hai?' At this Dr Haroun started blushing and looked down in confusion. Zubiya noticed his embarrassment and started laughing, "Main aap se pooch rahi hoon, kahan lost hai aap?
"Aisa hai Dr Zubiya, hum dono ek doosre ke ache dost hain, saari baatien dil khol ke kar lete hain, Mujhe maalum tha ki aap mujhse zaroor milengi kyun ki mujhe aap ki aur apni dosti pe bharosa hai. par aisa bhi ho sakta hai ki koi shaks ho jo bahut shiddat se aap se milna chahta ho par us mein itna confidence na ho ki aap us se mil hi lengi.
Zubiya said nothing. Dr Haroun said "theek hai mera tea break khatam hoo gaya. Kal phir hospital ki chai pesh karunga. Aur roz aata rahunga jab tak aap hospital re-join na kar lein.
She smiled and he left. She felt really happy after her interaction with him. She felt happy about him and Gaiti and decided she will question him tomorrow at the tea break. Already she felt lighter. Later in the afternoon, she was sitting in the chair in the garden with her freshly washed hair all open in their glory, just savouring the sun, when she heard excited chatter. She looked back and there were her students, She smiled at them and winced at the pain in her shoulder as she looked back. The children came running and started excitedly asking her questions. "Ma'am aapko kya hua? Aapko goli lagi? Kitni bari bandook se?
Z: "Acha pehle sb baith jao. Pehle hum kya karte hain? Wish karte hain. Good afternoon children. Ab ek ek karke sawal poocho.
And the children all sat down around her and she felt so loved and happy as they excitedly asked her questions and she caught up with their news. Amidst all the laughter and excitement and everyone wanting to show her their homework, she laughed out delightedly. Time which had been passing so slowly, just galloped. She felt so light-hearted and lively. As the children set off to go she asked them how they knew she was there. They said her friend, the lady who had come to their parents and told her where she was. She smiled, Gaiti. How sweet you are. You knew exactly who I wanted to meet.
When in the evening Dr Shehroze met her , he could see a discernible change in her. He smiled and smsed Asfandyar, "yes it looks like your plan worked.
Next morning she was already happy and looking forward to her visitors. At 11 am in the morning Dr Haroun came and she was far more relaxed than the day before. After the children left she sat a few more minutes in the sun and there was a sound behind her.
She smiled "Gaiti she said. " Arre tumhe kaise pata chala ki main hoon? Gaiti walked in front of her. "Aapke perfume se aur aapki kadmon ki aahat se. Aap bhool jati hai mein aapke saath roz walk karti thi, Main pehchan jaati hoon aapke aane ko
Gaiti sat down before her on the ground. "Haan sabse pehle hum dost the. Jab hum ek dusre ka naam bhi nahi jaante the phir bhi hum dost the. Tumhe usi dosti ki kasam mujhko wapis mat bhejna. "
Zubiya: "Main aapse naraaz nahin hoon. Agar hoon toh sirf khud se naraaz hoon. Kyunki meri kuch fitrat hai logo ko dukhi karne ki.
Gaiti sat and spoke about many things, none of them about that one person whom she wanted to hear about and also didn't want to hear about.
The next day to her surprise Dr Haroun was accompanied by Dr Shahab and Dr Zeba and she felt as though she was now quite ready to step back into her professional role.
In the afternoon, she spent her hour with the children checking their homework, telling them stories and laughing contentedly. As she turned to go inside after waving goodbye to the children, she stopped in shock because under the porch stood Asfandyar, leaning against the wall watching her. Her heart started beating very loudly. And she felt faint. He reached her and caught her as she swayed a bit and then helped her inside the room.
#7 In which A and Z finally talk
He helped her sit down on the sofa and got busy in looking at her wound. He didn't look at her directly. Just acted most professional and impersonal. He said nothing just put her arm gently down . She waited for him to say something. He didn't. He just walked to the door and then she immediately looked up. "What happened, she thought, why are you going? .
He didn't walk through but just kept on standing at the door and staring outside intently. A couple of minutes passed and then another couple. She was now feeling perplexed, What is happening? She kept waiting, puzzled. Why had he come? If only to watch the scene of Dr Asifa's garden ? Why wasn't he saying anything.
Ten minutes and still no change. Now she was all kinds of intrigued and annoyed. Who does he think he is , coming in and refusing to speak and just standing and looking out of the door with his back to her. How long is he going to stand there, all evening? What is this, some kind of contest? She was now getting annoyed. Why does everything have to be at his pleasure? Hullo? You there?
She didn't say anything aloud . Then when it was almost a quarter of an hour of this ridiculous behaviour, she could no longer stand it. She got up and decided to give him a piece of her mind. She walked to him and could see by the tension in his body that he heard her walking to him.
She stopped next to him and asked " Kya kar rahe hain aap yahan?
He looked at her and she saw he was in a towering rage all right. He looked really angry and upset and glowering. Immediately she calmed down and asked him "okay I can see you are angry. What happened?Tell me please why are you so upset?
A : "Really Zubi, you want to ask me this question? You can meet everyone... Dr Haroun and Dr Shahab and God alone knows, maybe half the village and all the nurses and the watchman. And you can't meet me? Now I am even worse than Dr Haroun and Dr Shahab. Everyone comes back and tells me you spoke to them. And I am the only person in this entire Valley who you can't meet. Wow, aren't I lucky?. I am reduced to begging my staff for some news of you. How dare Dr Haroun have his tea with you? How dare Dr Shahab come back and tell me casually he met you and you looked serene.. You have no right to look serene when I am so upset. You lock me out and then you ask me what is upsetting? You resolutely ignore my existence for the past 7 days, you don't let me come and say thank you. You dont let me even act as your doctor. I mean why should Dr Shehroze be your doctor. The past year you have been my responsibility and now suddenly I am persona non-grata. And then you think you can ask me what is wrong?
He looked so jealous and upset and unable to manage his reactions. Zubi looked at him and started smiling, which turned into a laugh which irritated him all the more because he just turned his back at her. Laughing, she moved in front of him and put her uninjured hand on his arm and said Okay, okay stop sulking now. I am listening to you. Come sit here.
He came willingly and sat next to her but still was annoyed. She still laughed at him and his scowling anger, till he grudgingly smiled back at her.
She thought, why does everything become so crystal clear and light and easy when I am with him. It was only when they were not together that she started thinking her own negative thoughts about the relationship. She looked back at her interactions with him; when she was near him everything seemed so simple, straight and marvellously clear.
Asfandyar looked at her and felt all the anger and tension leave him. He was seriously wild with jealousy and had decided that come what Dr Shehroze said OR Dr Asifa felt, he was not going to stay away anymore. He thought he knew that when she was with him she wouldn't be able to lie to herself. In any case he needed to be with her, maybe even more than she needed to be with him.
A: " Look Zubi, you have had your time away from me. If you needed more time, I am sorry I am not going away from this moment onwards. So you better learn to solve your problems with me and not without me. I know that you function better when I am around because then you are not thinking up stuff inside your head. Believe me I am right about this, and you know it too. "
Z : okay
A: I am not saying that your problems were imaginary; they were very real; they are real, but they are not in-soluble. We can solve them together. You have fought this so long and now it is time to take my help in solving this.
Z: silent
A: You know we have never really talked to each other. We have had some conversations here and there but do you know what are my dreams, my aspirations? What are my fears? What keeps me up at night? What messes up my head? Even I don't know what really moves you. I don't know so many things that I have to find out . I want to know why you are so patient with me, even though I have never behaved as badly with anyone as I have with you. I want to know what you think about me.
A: I want to know what qualities you want in your husband. Stop looking at me like this. You know I will make you my wife, whether it takes you 10 years to say yes, or 10 months. Of course it could just be 10 days...hmm? What about 10 minutes?...okay okay I wont hurry you...I promise I will be patient, If your answer is 10 days, but if it is 11 days then I have the right to over-rule you.
Zubiya unable to control her laughter at this. Both laughing and feeling so marvellously light hearted.
A: You know Zubi, you seem to care a lot about the past, you seem to feel as if the past is not letting you walk on. But you have to think of our past too. We have spent nearly a year together. That is the past that is most important for us. Yes you are what your past made you just as I am what mine made me. But believe me since I met you I started changing. I started caring more about my present. I started looking forward to a future. I think so did you. Didn't you?
Z: Silent
A: Okay let me ask you a question, would I be the same person if I did not have my past? Would you be the same person if you didn't have your past? I know you have had a really difficult time, but I promise you I will make that up to you. I fell in love with you for the very qualities that you have because of your past. If you had a different past you would be a different person. It is sad that we have such difficult pasts but don't you see that is why we complete each other?
A: Okay say something, anything... Kuch to kaho...
Z: silent
A: Zubi please say something. If there is anything I am desperately scared about, it is that you will think yourself into an illogical corner again. So please don't be quiet. What are you thinking of right now?
Z: I am only thinking you give such great lectures. Since the time I have known you I have only been lectured by you. ( making a serious face)
A: Oh I am .. I am sorry. I didnt realise you...
Z: But I like your lecturing at times. Like now. ...sighing... The past is a very difficult place for me. I feel I cannot run away from my past, I do not want that you should suffer because of my past. Why should I bring you any pain. That is why I wanted to go away. It was all a lie to make you go away. I didn't realise that the fact you would be hurt became such a big deal for me, such a big issue that I just could not go away. I tried very hard, but I could not. I admit I was foolish to think that I could make up a lie and you would believe me.
A: Yes you were...
Z: Shhh... I am not finished...My life was such a lie before you and your lovely parents. I couldn't let them feel let down when you had just then regained a bit of your happiness.
And then there was Rameez. I knew some months back you were the person who had rescued me that day. You were the witness to the most shameful incident of my past. You ask me why I accepted a lot of your scoldings and lectures. You had pulled me out of the biggest mistake of my life and I didn't even know how to tell you how grateful I was to you. You don't know it but the day I met you at Rameez was the last day I lived as the girl I was. From that day I changed. I locked myself in, first actually and then figuratively. Now I sometimes don't even recall that girl I was. The girl who laughed, smiled, sang and dreamt. It was like they punished me with solitary confinement, which never ended. So I grew up and studied and worked but there was as if not one human being in this world whom I could call my own. I just stopped my eyes, my ears- I stopped reacting like I was imprisoned in a prison. It was here in this place that I started living when I realized that every person I met had bigger troubles than I had. Dr Haroun, Gaiti, Khajista. It was then I realised that the only way I could defeat my demons was to help others fight their demons. It gave me so much happiness to be able to love others. I discovered I wasn't dead. Previously, the only beings I could love were children but here I discovered that every adult is actually a small hurt child. It meant so much to me when people like Gaiti, Dr HAROUN and others accepted me as their friend and I started feeling alive. i wanted to give so much of myself that i feel empty, but the truth was the more i gave the more full i felt.
A: Do I even come in your story? Or should I just leave now? ( a little petulantly)
Z: I don't know at what moment you came into my story, I only know that since the day I came here, you were my story. All my days were only reactions to you. I came here all frozen and immobile, but from the moment I walked in here all my days had only one focus, you. You pushed me so hard, you were so demanding, you broke through the ice in which I had stuck myself for 8 years. All my living moments were about you, first winning your approval and then trying to be the best version of myself for you. Before everything else you were my teacher, my mentor.
A: and? And when did I become more than tht/
Z: I cant think of any moment but I think I admitted it to myself only when I met Faryal. I was so upset and I couldn't think why. I just wanted to go back to my frozen self. That seemed to be a happy alternative.
A: You know Zubi I fell in love with you long back, In fact I cannot think of a day I was not falling in love with you. And I was aware that you cared about me a lot earlier than Faryal's visit. I was just waiting for you to work it out in your head.
Z: smiling . Yes of course how could you be less than perfect.
A: so where do we go from here?
Z: I don't know if ...
A: Oh of course, you know. I don't exactly have a reputation for patience. So the longer you prolong it...
Z: Shhh, you really have to start listening to me... As I was saying I don't know if ten years is a good idea and Ten months does seem an eternity . Ten minutes is too less as I really cannot get married with my shoulder hurting. Ten days seem to be perfect, if you can handle a wife whose shoulder is still injured.
A : Ten days is perfect.
This. was. amazing.
I get astonished at your keen observation of these characters. Just sitting here in awe, marveling at this beauty.
Asfand's Musings
So we all want to know what happened after A and Z get married, as they must and will. This is my attempt to look into the future.
The alarm buzzed insistently. Asfand groaned and opened his eyes and checked the time. Already 5 AM. For the past weeks he had not been going for his morning run, a tradition of ten yrears, almost a passion with him since his days in grad school in the US.
What had possessed him to set the alarm today, he grumbled to himself.
Just the fact that discipline was a bigger passion for him, he felt virtuous and good thinking that.
He got up real quietly because he did not want to disturb Zubi. He sat and watched her for a second as she slept on her side, slightly away from him, her hair all spread in disarray. He couldn't see her face as it was covered by her hair. He got up and got dressed and quickly picked up his joggers and left the room. Outside the cold air hit him and he exhaled sharply as he started his run.
As he ran, he tried to think what exactly was Zubiya like. In the past three weeks since he had married her, he was surprised to find something new in her, every time he spoke to her or even observed her. It was as if there were so many facets to her, so many things to learn about her, so many things to hear from her, so much to experience with her, that he felt as if he was drowning in new sensations all the time. If someone had asked him a month back. what Zubiya was like, he would confidently have rattled off all her great qualities; but now she felt like a mystery and an open book at the same time.
I am going weak in the head, he thought listening to his own thoughts. At this rate, I might just do a doctoral thesis on Zubi and write a 10,000 words essay about her.
How can anyone be such a contradiction in their own selves? That she was always serene and quiet was something he always knew but lately he had learnt that she could sit with his mother for hours, animatedly discussing things which he knew didn't interest her.
That she was a very proper, well behaved person he knew from before, but many a times he found her engaged in tickling matches with Siam, doubled up and rolling on the bed as the child wrestled with her.
That she was gentle and soft he knew, but when she was angry or her ideals were compromised, she surprised him with her inflexibility.
That she rarely exhibited her annoyance even under pressure he knew from before, but she would get really irritated about some things. He knew some of it came from her insecurity over his ex- fiance, which amused him no end, but seemed to irritate her inexplicably.
The most surprising part, however, was how could any one be so shy and still so uninhibited and wanton at times. Even though it was 3 weeks since he has married her, every time he held her at night, he didn't know whether he was going to meet shy Zubi or ...er...non-shy Zubi( for want of a better word ). That she was completely inexperienced and unaware of her effect on him was something he had always known. But just when he would start feeling comfortable in his assumptions, she would challenge him by some completely instinctive way of expressing her intense attraction for him , that he would find himself charmed and thrown off balance, quite a times literally. Thrown. Off. Balance. The memories of those times made him stumble. And he actually blushed.
Asfand sighed, thinking of those times, because every of these delightful times, he made the mistake of smirking about her reaction so right now reserved Zubi was back with a vengeance. He sighed. He really needed to stop commenting about everything to her. Let her discover her own self and learn to express her self with him. But then he always felt so victorious and pleased that she was reacting to him that many a moments got destroyed by the high five he mentally gave himself and which his wife always noticed in his expressions.
He noticed he had stopped making the pretense of jogging some time ago and was just standing in the cold fantasizing about his wife. He stood indecisively for a minute or two and then as decisively turned back and jogged back. There was always tomorrow to start his running. Today he still thought there was time before work, to find out who was in his bed...shy Zubi...or...er...non-shy Zubi ( for want of a better word😊)
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