"What did you just say? Khushi asked looking completely bewildered as she tried to take in what Arnav was saying.
"Try and understand Khushi. Di is broken from the loss of her child and her husband's betrayal. You have seen her it's been over a year, yet she is like a walking corpse, no life, no interest in life, just existing. You know I would do anything, give up anything to bring her back, and I know you love her too.
"Yes I do. Di is as important to me as she is to you, but this? Arnavji, do you even know what you are asking me to do?
"I know what I am asking for is huge Arnav reached out to take Khushi's hand, "I am so sorry Khushi, I know I don't have the right to ask for this, but after a long time, I saw some hope and life in Di's eyes. She has asked me for something. If this can bring her back, I will do anything "
"Anything? Even give away your child? Khushi whispered, "even after knowing how much having our baby means to me? Knowing that this would be our first child, a symbol of our love?
" I know Khushi, it will be our first born. But you and I can have other children. Di will never be able to. This is the one thing that can bring her back Khushi. Di... Di is my mother Khushi. You know that better than anyone else. Wouldn't you do anything to save your mother?
"Yes, I would, but not by sacrificing someone else's happiness. You are asking me to give away my child... Khushi's voice shook as the enormity of the sacrifice Arnav was asking her to make settled on her.
"Not anyone Khushi. You said yourself that she is your Di too. Don't you want Di to get better? To start living again? You are my wife Khushi, my other half. Will you not be by my side to help me do something, which is the most important thing in the world to me? Will you not be my wife, my support?
"And what about me Arnavji? Will you not be my other half, my support? Do my wishes and my happiness hold no meaning? You know how much I love children. How often I have talked about having a small Arnav and Khushi running around the house, completing our family. I am a simple girl from a simple background and an orphan. The only dream I had was to have my own family, people I don't have to borrow or beg to belong but who are my own.
"And I am not? I am always there by your side Khushi. Your Arnav. I know how important this child is for you but you wont be loosing it-"
"Him or her, not it Khushi cut him off, eyes blazing, "you don't even think of him or her as a human being, do you?
"That's not true Khushi and you know it. I am sorry Arnav cupped her face in his hands, " You will not loose our child, he or she will be right here, with us. You will see him or her take their first step, eat their first bite, the first time they say Ma"
"Except that they would not be calling me Ma, but another woman and I have to sit around watching my own child call someone else Ma a teary Khushi flung his hands away.
"Khushi, I know and I am sorry that I am asking you for such a big sacrifice. It's my child too. You think I have not thought about this moment, about having our child. A small Khushi to love and to spoil. To have two crazy women light up my life. Or a young boy to play cricket with? But we will have others. I promise we can have our own cricket team, but this time please Khushi, I beg of you. Di needs this child much more than we do. I know how important this is to you-"
"But clearly not to you. Khushi said coldly stepping away from Arnav. " I can see that this child has meaning and importance only for me. For you, it is just another deal. Give something away to gain something else. Well for a change, the other party is not playing Mr. Raizada. This is my child, and I am not about to give it away as a bargaining tool for you to gain an advantage Khushi banged the door shut as she walked out.
********
Dinner at Shantivan tonight was a quiet affair.
The usually chirpy bubbly elder bahu of the house was surprising silent and toying with the food on her plate, notwithstanding the fact that aloo poori had been made at her specific request.
Khushi bitiya needed to be pampered as much as possible, thought Nani, looking at Khushi fondly, especially in her condition. God knows the girl had sacrificed enough for this family. But there was something that had bothered Khushi bitiya today, for her to be silent. Looking at her grandson who kept shooting furtive glances at his wife, it must have been her hot-headed grandson. It had not escaped her notice that Khushi had not glanced at Arnav even once, shaken his hand away while she thought no one was noticing, but most tellingly, allowed Arnav to serve himself. Nani was well acquainted with their quick fire fights, but she knew beneath all of that, Arnav and Khushi loved each other and they would resolve this in their own time.
How much her grandson had changed, Nani wondered thankfully, and it was all thanks to this bubby young girl who had succeeded in peeling away the mask of ASR to bring back her young Chotte. Her Chotte, who had seen so much in life, who had given up so much, worked so hard to restore what they had lost, who had forgotten to live for himself till Khushi had entered his life. And she would do whatever was necessary to ensure that it remained this way, that her Chotte got his share of happiness. God knows, he deserved it more than any one. God knows both her grandchildren deserved some happiness.
Anjali too had suffered, but she had her Nani, her Mama, Mami and her brothers to support and help her, to bolster her. Arnav had had no one. He had grown up overnight shouldering the burden only a grown up man should have to. While Anjali did not deserve any of what happened to her, Nani sometimes wished, Anjali had more strength of character. It had been over a year that Shyam had been thrown out of their lives but Anjali still continued to be disheartened, barely existing.
Nani sighed. Sometimes, she wished Anjali was more like Arnav. She knew Arnav and Khushi had done everything in their power to bring back a smile to Anjali's face but it was almost like Anjali was punishing everyone, refusing to move on. There were two newlywed couples in the house, whose married life so far, had been over shadowed by deceit, fear, unhappiness and now a shadow of gloom. At least Khushi bitiya's pregnancy had brought a ray of happiness in their life. Otherwise, Anjali's sorrow had cast its shadow on Shantivan. No she was being unfair, Nani admonished herself silently, Anjali bitiya had suffered all through, but still sometimes...
"Khushi, why are you not eating? Nani's musings were broken by Payal's question "you got aloo puri made and now look at your plate. You have barely eaten anything.
"Haan Haan phati sari, sasuma has organized you favourite food Mami added, "no one else gets such special treatment.
" Of course Manorma, if we will not spoil and pamper her, who will? nani smiled lovingly.
"No Naniji, jiji. I just don't feel like eating anything right now. I will have some later Khushi quickly assured Nani and Payal.
"Hari Prakash, bring some jalebis Nani ordered, "hopefully Khushi bitiya will enjoy that smiling in anticipation of the smile she knew would light up her elder bahu's face.
"Nahi naniji, I wont have any jalebis. Thank you so much but my stomach is full seven pairs of eyes looked at Khushi in surprise as she pushed her plate away and started to get up. Everybody knew how much Khushi loved her jalebis and countless arguments between Arnav and Khushi about restricting how many she ate given that she was pregnant now.
"Why don't you sit down and eat something Khushi? " Arnav asked pushing her plate towards her, his heart wrenching at her pinched face, " you know you should not be skipping meals. He hated himself for doing this to her, and had made up his mind to gently say no to his Di. His Di loved him; she would understand how he couldn't snatch Khushi's happiness. But one look at Anjali's hopeful face at the dining table brought back his dilemma. There finally seemed a way to get Di out of her depression... he knew he was being unfair to Khushi, but Khushi was always willing to do anything to keep everyone happy. He had often chided her about this, yet today, when he really needed her support...
Khushi's head jerked up hearing that from Arnav. She knew that he loved her and worried about her but in her current state she could only think that he was only worried that something would happen to the baby whom he wanted to gift away to his sister. She stared at him while she wondered how could he even think of giving away their baby and show no signs of any remorse. "I am not hungry she bit out looking away.
"How can that be bitiya? You must eat. Or at least sit with us for a bit Manohar gently requested. His experienced eyes had not missed the underlying tension between his nephew and his wife. And they knew that it was not one of their usual fights cos Khushi would never disregard what his mother or wife said, no matter how upset she was with Arnav. Before he could say anything further, Anjali, who was sitting next to Khushi, placed a hand on her arm, "Khushi ji please sit down. Has Chotte said something to you? You know him na, he doesn't mean anything.
Khushi clenched her fists at Anjali's words. Really? Her husband asked her for her child and didn't mean anything by it? And that was for you, just because you... Khushi checked her thoughts. Di was upset, she had been betrayed and somewhere Khushi still felt that she was responsible. If she had not met Shyam then none of this would have happened. She knew that was not true, Shyam would have been unfaithful anyway, if not her then someone else, but the thing was, it was her. But had she not paid for that many times over? Why should she be asked to sacrifice again? Di desperately wanted to be a mother, shouldn't she understand that Khushi would not want to give up her child? Why would she even ask?
"Khushi ji please sit down and eat Anjali asked, "if not for your sake, then for the sake of our Rajkumari that is growing within you-"
"She is not YOUR rajkumari, she is mine! And she is not a rajkumari, she is my jalebi and no one is going to make me give her up Khushi burst out reaching out to cup her stomach, unable to control her pent-up angst. All the frustration that she had wanted to vent at Arnav, and, the last hour spent in working herself up, had found an outlet.
"Khushi... Arnav gently reached out to hold her hand, gently rubbing his thumb over her palm. He didn't want the whole family discussing this at the dining table with Hari Prakash for an audience.
"Why would anyone ask you to give up your baby bitiya? Nani asked, a little perplexed at Khushi's outburst, "it is your baby
"Ask Arnavji and Di Khushi continued, "Arnavji wants to give my baby away to Di to make her happy. This is my baby naniji, my first born, a symbol of Arnavji and my love, how can I give my baby up?
The faces around the table mirrored the shock that everyone felt, except for Anjali who looked a little flustered and Arnav who looked away.
"Anjali bitiya, what is it that I am hearing? Nani asked, still not being able to believe what Khushi had just said, "why would you ask Chotte and Khushi bitiya for their baby?
"Nani... who... nani... " Anjali fumbled under her grandmother's unwavering stern gaze, " I miss not having my rajkumari nani. My husband turned out to be a cheat, I lost my baby Anjali's voice wavered, "you know Nani how much I have always wanted a child, my gudiya and now I can never have one. Chotte and Khushiji are young. They will have other children. This is my only chance of ever having a child. Someone to call my own. Someone to love and someone who loves me. I am so alone Nani. I have nothing. Everyone I have loved has left me. Everything I wanted has been lost to me. Is it so wrong to want a bit of happiness? Anjali's voice broke as tears made their way down her cheeks.
"Di " Arnav started to get up when Nani held up her hand, asking him to stay in his place.
"No bitiya, it is not wrong to want and desire happiness. We all want that for you. But it is wrong to want your happiness at the cost of someone else's Nani gently admonished Anjali. "This is their first child-"
"I know Nani and the child will remain in this house with them. I know I am weak. I know I am not strong enough. But a child is my chance at a life again. I am not taking away the child. We all live together and Khushiji can see her growing up. She will be a part of her life-
"but not his or her mother Nani interrupted "no one has the right to take away a child from its mother. If Khushi bitiya willingly wanted to give away her baby, I might think about considering it but bitiya you cannot ask for her child. You want to be a mother so much, Khushi bitiya, I am sure, also wants to be one. And this is her first time. Nani tried making Anjali understand.
Seeing his sister cry, Arnav's heart twisted. He was torn between his wife and his sister. His wife who had brought him back to life and his sister who had been his mother for as long as he could remember. And he had promised his mother he would always look after his Di and he would. He had failed her once but not again. Khushi was strong while Di was weak. He knew Khushi was hurt and he wished there was another way to do this, but unlike his Di, his Khushi could handle any adversity. She would be upset but she would get over this, she always did but his di...
" Di please control yourself. Nani, we will work this out. It is important that Di gets better. Khushi loves Di as much as I do Khushi turned around to look at her husband in disbelief this was her Arnavji? Did he not hear anything that she said to him earlier? "Khushi will understand-"
"Really? Khushi will understand? Khushi broken whisper silenced everyone, "Why? Why is Khushi always expected to understand? Why is Khushi always expected to sacrifice? No money to buy new clothes, Khushi will wear Payal's hand me downs. Di's idea of a perfect marriage must remain intact, so Khushi must be demeaned into a 6-month marriage contract. Shyamji was an immoral man who lusted after another woman while being married to one, Khushi must be blamed for his ways. Di is depressed so Khushi must pretend that she does not exist in this house? Why Naniji? Arnavji? Why? Why must Khushi always pay? Have I not paid enough with my tears and my dignity? Arnav was aghast to hear her words. Seeing the tears flowing unchecked, he pushed his chair back, moving to take Khushi in his arms. He was a complete b*****d, a jerk, an a*****e, who always kept demanding from his Khushi because he knew he could and because he knew she loved him.
"Shush..sh...I am sorry Khushi He held her close as she clutched his shirt trying to stop the sobs that shuddered through her body, "I am sorry for all that you had to put up with because of me. No matter how many times I say sorry, I know its never going to be enough. And I am a selfish b*****d to continue to ask things of you, But you know that I love you "
"No Khushi stood still before pushing Arnav away, " you don't! You don't love me the most in the world. Khushi will always be a poor third or fourth, way after everyone else in your life.
"Khushi what are you saying? Chotte loves you so much Anjali intervened defending her brother.
"Really Di? Which is why he didn't think twice before asking me for MY baby to give to you? He does not have to say in so many words who is the most important in the world to him. Not his wife, not his love, but his Di Khushi swiped the tears away from her face as she held up her hand, stopping Arnav in his tracks.
"You know Di I have never grudged the love he has for you. You are his Di, his mother. How can I possibly grudge him his love for his mother? The position that a wife and a mother have in a man's life is different. But I have realized today that in Arnavji's life and heart, there is no place for a wife or a love, all the space is taken up by his Di. Arnav's throat constricted with unshed tears at his wife's pain.
"His wife is insignificant in his life, but his Di is important. So much that he has willingly sacrificed his wife not once but many times even when he misunderstood me and even now when he supposedly loves me. Once again I am a nobody, an orphan who has been taken in but is not part of a family. I may be his lover but I am not his family for whom he would do anything, fight with any odds, destroy everything to save her. I never was, because all that and more is just you. There is no space in his life for anything else. I don't grudge him the love that he has for you, but I grudge the love he doesn't have for me. I cant do this any more, I cant be alone again any more. I am tired of being the second best. I am tired of people not loving me enough. I just want my share of respect and love. Is that too much to ask Di? .
Nani stood up and walked to Khushi pulling her in her embrace, soothingly running a hand over her head. She knew the last thing Khushi needed right now was Arnav comforting her. "You will get that and more Khushi bitiya. You are important to everyone in this house. You are this house's khushi. This house is a home because you make it so bitiya Nani wanted to knock some sense into her grandson. When would he stop taking this young girl for granted? And Anjali bitiya? It was high time she had a talk with her. It broke her heart to see Khushi bitiya's pain. How much more would she need to suffer? Her old bones and heart was not sure how much more sorrow could it bear. When would Shantivan have some shanti?
"Nahi Naniji said Khushi sadly, moving away from the patriarch's embrace. "You can't force love. I can't force Arnavji to put me first. I don't even want him to put me first, just not ask for my share of happiness. But this is our truth, this is what he feels and I was fine with it in everything else but not when it comes to my baby. I should have realized that this dream was too good to be true. I had to wake up some day. Dreams are not reality, they don't last forever.
"Khushi what are you saying? fear gripped Arnav's heart.
"Bitiya? nani questioned with worry looking at the resolute face of her elder bahu.
"For once I would like to be first with someone. And maybe that someone is meant to be my baby, who will love me unconditionally Khushi said sadly.
"What are you going to do Khushi? fear laced Payal's question, "don't do anything silly. You know we all love you. You are my baby sister. Payal held her hand as she tried to soothe Khushi.
"I don't know jiji. I am going to try and find myself, love myself the most for a change, be important for myself. Don't worry I will not do anything stupid. I have a little life I am responsible for now. I know its father can give it a much better life than I can, but I just need a little time to lick my wounds in peace, a little time to heal, to cry for what I thought I had before I can be Khushi Singh Raizada again Khushi smiled sadly as she started to walk towards the door.
" Khushi wait-" Arnav was next to her in two strides, holding her hands.
"No Arnavji, nothing you will say will change my mind-
" I am not trying to change your mind Khushi. You are right, I don't deserve you. I have, time and again, taken advantage of the fact that you love me, that you will do anything for me. I mistook your love as your weakness. What would Khushi do if she was not with Arnav? I was a fool to not realise what would Arnav do without Khushi? Arnav would be nothing without Khushi.
I had no right to demand of you what I did. As if you had not made enough sacrifices for my family and me, that I had to go ask for one again. And that too, taking away the only thing that I have really, truly given you, in return for all the happiness that you have given me. I am sorry Khushi. I love you. More than any one else in this world, more than Di. You are my world. My world was bleak, dark and morbid till you came in it. And I am not going to loose my world again.
"Let me drop you to the farmhouse Khushi. Take as much time as you want to think, to heal. Curse me but know that I love you, only you, something I have felt for no woman. But remember I will always be there, watching your back and will do everything in my power to woo you back, to reinforce my love for you, to make you understand how important you are for me.
I am sorry Khushi, I say and do things without a thought, because I think of you as me, one unit, not separate entities. But I realize now that I need to stop taking you for granted. We are one but I forgot that we need to be "us and not "I, I need to just not talk about "us but be "us. Take your time Khushi, but don't leave me. There is no Arnav without Khushi. You are my world you and the baby. And when you are ready to forgive this fool, call me. I will be waiting to bring you and OUR baby home.
Khushi smiled tremulously as she saw shades of the Arnav she had fallen in love with, her Arnavji, and she knew, it would take time but they would be fine. And when she was ready to come back, they would be more than fine.
comment:
p_commentcount