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"Me and Vrushika are good friends but if you are expecting anything else, I am sorry!"
She read the screenshot again posted on the Instagram account of their fanclub and sighed heavily locking her phone and keeping it away.
Isn't this something that he always said? It has been four years since they knew each other, he had been her support in the worst times,been her guide,her friend,her strength since the beginning. They were probably supposed to be friends only and yet it happened. She fell for him. If it was during D3 or after it, she couldn't point out but it happened. She felt a pang of agony in her heart suddenly and she gasped for breath. His statement perhaps wouldn't have affected her like this if he hadn't known about her feelings. But he knew.
"Shantanu, sun na kuch kehna hai tujhse. . ."
"Haan toh bol na Guddi! Main kaan se sunta hoon aankh se nahi!" He had said in his usual teasing tone. It did made me smile.
"Yaar Shantanu sun na!" I snatched his cellphone from his hands in irritation.
"Vrushika! Mera phone..."
"Pehle meri baat. . ." I said firmly, hiding his phone behind my back. He rolled his eyes,heaved loudly but gave in. He always did and he always does.
"Shantanu, I think, Matlab jaise tu hamesha meri care karta hai,you know when I was in hospital or when we go to events and all and in general too when I am alone or sad. . .kyun karta hai?"
I read nervousness in his eyes like never before. If I judged him right he panicked and gulped but answered stuttering;
"What do you mean by kyun karta hoon. . .Tu. . .Tu meri friend hai isiliye."
"Friend! Yeah right." His answer made me feel like a stupid and yet I didn't stop.
"But the thing is I think. . .You know. . .I think I kind of,umm I feel. . ."
"Vrushika you feel. . .what?" He searched answers in my eyes and his voice held urgency.
"I feel I am. . .I am in love with you Shantanu." I blurted it out in the moment and then there was no taking it back. I didn't know what I expected out of him but I did know I couldn't hold it any longer inside. I looled at his face nervously. . .
Shantanu's face had gone pale in a second.
"Vrushika your shot is ready." The AD's voice of Ishqbaaz broke my chain of thoughts.
"Okay. In two minutes." I answered back and sent him off.
I thanked God for his perfect timing of sending Ashish because it always saddened me to go back to Shantanu's answer. Probably because somewhere like our thousands of fans I too always felt that we had something more. . .Something special. But I guess friendship is all we could have and even if we anything else it's always going to be unnamed.
Sitting in the most corner space of my Girls On Top set, I read my own article and fan's conversations over it.
"Good Friends -_- Whyyy???"
"Is this guy ever going to understand that they are not "Just Friends."
"How can these two be so blind!"
Four years before I used to laugh on these conversations, naming it fanfrenzy. And yet today I couldn't do anything but ponder over their words.
I wished she hadn't got to read my interview. But then I knew our fans better than that. Even if they tried their best not to invade our private space they did make sure things reach us one way or the other. VruShan in real life has always been too tempting an idea to let go for them.
I tensed over the speculation of Vrushika reading the article, I hoped not, I didn't want her to get hurt. Damn! I cursed myself for giving out such a statement, for coming out too strong. I decided to call Vrushika to make sure she was okay.
"Kya aise Muh bana ke kyu baitha hai?" Palki Ma'am suddenly asked me while passing through.
"What? Aah, nahi kuch nahi. . .All okay! Just a bit tired. Jhalak is taking a lot." I tried to dismiss the conversation and would have been even successful if Palki Ma'am's eyes hadn't fell on my phone screen flashing Vrushika's name. She smiled her I-knew-this-was-coming smile and went off.
Good Heavens! So she knows too. Is it that obvious between us that anyone and everyone could see?
How do I tell everyone that its not like I don't see. I hadn't realized at first, not when people were shipping us at their peak,not when we used to be together all day. It was after that when we didn't get to see each other everyday. It was then when I watched fanmade videos on VruShan that I realized how I looked at her, how I hid all my emotions behind my wit in our interviews,how everything was literally all over the place to see. And it was then that I realized it was always there. . .my struggle with my feelings for her. It was the reason why I started fooling around in our interviews in the first place so that I don't give away too much and still I did.
It took me more than a lot of efforts to make myself understand that we cannot be with each other always and that it was how our profession was. And also that she wasn't interested in me. . .Her doings were only her innocence and craziness and that she was same with everyone.
I couldn't go on behaving like my fans. VruShan were just VruShan, nothing else.
But when I finally got a hold on my feelings, Vrushika came in and confessed that she felt more than just friendship for me,oh chuck that she said she was in love with me.
Who does that? Why would she do anything like that? And where did she get those damn guts? Couldn't have imagined her doing something so much,what,Sharon-ish?
I wish I dealt it better but she left me flabbergasted and torn in two parts. One jumped in happiness hearing her words and wanted to reciprocate while other was my rational scared self who knew we both didn't have time to give to each other, and also that we both were people who were extremely passionate about our close relations and suddenly I was scared. I didn't want to lose her. I didn't want to ruin what we have. . .It was too much of a risk for me. If tomorrow for any reason we dont work out I knew I would not only lose love but our friendship too and I couldn't bear that and like a reflex a "No" came in answer for her question. I don't think I had ever hated myself like that as I did in that moment. But it was her smile and her "I understand!" that was the nail in the coffin.
Did she expect a No from me? Did she she not expect a yes? Why? It for no reason made me angry. It was as if I didn't like the idea of her not expecting anything from me at all. Its since then that I am trying to tell myself I did the right thing and it was the same when I gave the interview and yet now it feels so horrible.
How do I tell her that she and me are real for me too as much as much as it is for her. . .Its just that probably I am not ready yet to give us a name where we belong to each other. Where its not about my wit and her craziness for chocolates, where its not about her falling on my shoulders and our Baazigar fights. . .where its more than that, where its about love and promises, care and affection, dates and romance. . .Probably my well wishers are right I am stupid. But I am not ready for us to be "VruShan" yet.
She read the screenshot again posted on the Instagram account of their fanclub and sighed heavily locking her phone and keeping it away.
Isn't this something that he always said? It has been four years since they knew each other, he had been her support in the worst times,been her guide,her friend,her strength since the beginning. They were probably supposed to be friends only and yet it happened. She fell for him. If it was during D3 or after it, she couldn't point out but it happened. She felt a pang of agony in her heart suddenly and she gasped for breath. His statement perhaps wouldn't have affected her like this if he hadn't known about her feelings. But he knew.
"Shantanu, sun na kuch kehna hai tujhse. . ."
"Haan toh bol na Guddi! Main kaan se sunta hoon aankh se nahi!" He had said in his usual teasing tone. It did made me smile.
"Yaar Shantanu sun na!" I snatched his cellphone from his hands in irritation.
"Vrushika! Mera phone..."
"Pehle meri baat. . ." I said firmly, hiding his phone behind my back. He rolled his eyes,heaved loudly but gave in. He always did and he always does.
"Shantanu, I think, Matlab jaise tu hamesha meri care karta hai,you know when I was in hospital or when we go to events and all and in general too when I am alone or sad. . .kyun karta hai?"
I read nervousness in his eyes like never before. If I judged him right he panicked and gulped but answered stuttering;
"What do you mean by kyun karta hoon. . .Tu. . .Tu meri friend hai isiliye."
"Friend! Yeah right." His answer made me feel like a stupid and yet I didn't stop.
"But the thing is I think. . .You know. . .I think I kind of,umm I feel. . ."
"Vrushika you feel. . .what?" He searched answers in my eyes and his voice held urgency.
"I feel I am. . .I am in love with you Shantanu." I blurted it out in the moment and then there was no taking it back. I didn't know what I expected out of him but I did know I couldn't hold it any longer inside. I looled at his face nervously. . .
Shantanu's face had gone pale in a second.
"Vrushika your shot is ready." The AD's voice of Ishqbaaz broke my chain of thoughts.
"Okay. In two minutes." I answered back and sent him off.
I thanked God for his perfect timing of sending Ashish because it always saddened me to go back to Shantanu's answer. Probably because somewhere like our thousands of fans I too always felt that we had something more. . .Something special. But I guess friendship is all we could have and even if we anything else it's always going to be unnamed.
Sitting in the most corner space of my Girls On Top set, I read my own article and fan's conversations over it.
"Good Friends -_- Whyyy???"
"Is this guy ever going to understand that they are not "Just Friends."
"How can these two be so blind!"
Four years before I used to laugh on these conversations, naming it fanfrenzy. And yet today I couldn't do anything but ponder over their words.
I wished she hadn't got to read my interview. But then I knew our fans better than that. Even if they tried their best not to invade our private space they did make sure things reach us one way or the other. VruShan in real life has always been too tempting an idea to let go for them.
I tensed over the speculation of Vrushika reading the article, I hoped not, I didn't want her to get hurt. Damn! I cursed myself for giving out such a statement, for coming out too strong. I decided to call Vrushika to make sure she was okay.
"Kya aise Muh bana ke kyu baitha hai?" Palki Ma'am suddenly asked me while passing through.
"What? Aah, nahi kuch nahi. . .All okay! Just a bit tired. Jhalak is taking a lot." I tried to dismiss the conversation and would have been even successful if Palki Ma'am's eyes hadn't fell on my phone screen flashing Vrushika's name. She smiled her I-knew-this-was-coming smile and went off.
Good Heavens! So she knows too. Is it that obvious between us that anyone and everyone could see?
How do I tell everyone that its not like I don't see. I hadn't realized at first, not when people were shipping us at their peak,not when we used to be together all day. It was after that when we didn't get to see each other everyday. It was then when I watched fanmade videos on VruShan that I realized how I looked at her, how I hid all my emotions behind my wit in our interviews,how everything was literally all over the place to see. And it was then that I realized it was always there. . .my struggle with my feelings for her. It was the reason why I started fooling around in our interviews in the first place so that I don't give away too much and still I did.
It took me more than a lot of efforts to make myself understand that we cannot be with each other always and that it was how our profession was. And also that she wasn't interested in me. . .Her doings were only her innocence and craziness and that she was same with everyone.
I couldn't go on behaving like my fans. VruShan were just VruShan, nothing else.
But when I finally got a hold on my feelings, Vrushika came in and confessed that she felt more than just friendship for me,oh chuck that she said she was in love with me.
Who does that? Why would she do anything like that? And where did she get those damn guts? Couldn't have imagined her doing something so much,what,Sharon-ish?
I wish I dealt it better but she left me flabbergasted and torn in two parts. One jumped in happiness hearing her words and wanted to reciprocate while other was my rational scared self who knew we both didn't have time to give to each other, and also that we both were people who were extremely passionate about our close relations and suddenly I was scared. I didn't want to lose her. I didn't want to ruin what we have. . .It was too much of a risk for me. If tomorrow for any reason we dont work out I knew I would not only lose love but our friendship too and I couldn't bear that and like a reflex a "No" came in answer for her question. I don't think I had ever hated myself like that as I did in that moment. But it was her smile and her "I understand!" that was the nail in the coffin.
Did she expect a No from me? Did she she not expect a yes? Why? It for no reason made me angry. It was as if I didn't like the idea of her not expecting anything from me at all. Its since then that I am trying to tell myself I did the right thing and it was the same when I gave the interview and yet now it feels so horrible.
How do I tell her that she and me are real for me too as much as much as it is for her. . .Its just that probably I am not ready yet to give us a name where we belong to each other. Where its not about my wit and her craziness for chocolates, where its not about her falling on my shoulders and our Baazigar fights. . .where its more than that, where its about love and promises, care and affection, dates and romance. . .Probably my well wishers are right I am stupid. But I am not ready for us to be "VruShan" yet.
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