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I wanted to see you!" She said half surprised, half unsure. He looked so familiar that it blinded her and she wondered if he saw the same in her too.
"I know! He answered with a smile, his ever so charming smile. Her stomach felt suddenly different. It was his answer or his smile which made her feel so she couldn't place. So she went with the former to give a rest to her rising curiosity.
"You did?" She asked in a small voice dreading the answer as soon as she asked the question. Oh! How she hated answers!
Answers were lie, only the questions were truth. She had told herself every day.
"I always know." He answered her coming closer, the smile fixed to his face like the sun to the sky.
For half a heartbeat, his answer soothed her. There had been so many days and so many nights between her longing and his answer that she had lost count. It made her angry and emotional at the same time. She waited for one to outweigh other but it didn't happen as her eyes rolled down a tear and her voice grew bitter.
"And yet you never come!" she snapped in anger. Her heart felt so heavy. So heavy.
He looked at her like she was a child complaining to her parents that they didn't love her. She read his face and her own softened in uncanny confusion as in the end his smile just got wider.
"I am so sorry Sharon! But when was I ever gone to come back to you?" He asked as if he couldn't follow the meaning of her words with eyes dripping innocence and defense. His answer made her skip a beat.
Yes! When was he ever gone for her to ask him to come back? But. . .
She had a clear vision of wet pillows, empty eyes, old photographs, fake smiles and all hers. But it all felt like happening a different world. She tried to think and it didn't need more than second to picture the sleepless nights, the longings and the cravings for him. The feelings and the flashes were so real that it made her mouth bitter. And it wasn't long ago No. Come to think of it, it was actually last night or was it this night itself?
She tried to remember but couldn't recollect anything. It scared her.
Maybe he knows. The thought seemed to give her some hope.
"Hope is all I can do." She heard herself say somewhere else.
"Is it night now?" She asked him looking around.
"Yeah. . .Passing night. It's close to dawn!" He told her looking towards the sky. Contrary to what he said it was blinding white. Maybe this was some other place.
"Do you miss me?" She asked and cursed herself for asking another question again.
Answers are lie.
He sat close to her in her favorite T-shirt and messy hairs. But for some reason she didn't dare to touch him. She waited for his reply but it never came. He looked like he hasn't heard her at all and if he did his expression wasn't giving him away. His eyes were still fixed onto the sky. When her patience ran out of waiting she didn't repeat her question, instead she said
"I miss you! A lot!" Her voice sounded meek.
"I know!" He answered, this time immediately looking towards her.
"How?" She asked quietly, never tearing her gaze from his face.
"I feel it. Here." He placed his hands on his heart and looked at her with painful eyes. She knew it was her tear that has caused him pain. She wanted to ease his suffering but somehow her hands just weren't reaching his face. She tried again but in vain. Suddenly the never ending distance between them scared her.
"Is this for real? You. . .here?"
"Why would you doubt it Sharon?" He asked with a chuckle.
Because she was scared. Because it felt good. Because she didn't want him to go away now.
But she didn't say any of it.
She wanted to ask a question but the answers were the problem. She didn't want to hear it. But now holding on to it was more difficult. So, she asked it anyway. Her voice straining already.
"You'll stay with me now right?" The amount of longing filled in her voice came as no surprise to her.
"Here?Ofcourse I will stay. But you have to go back." He said slowly.
"Go back?Why?Where?" She panicked listening to his words. There was no other place for her. This felt right. This was where she belonged.
"To your husband, to your daughter. . . To your family Sharon." He said, his smile gone from his lips. His eyes dripping the heaviness of his words.
It jolted her then. Yes! Now the familiarity in him struck her. He looked the same. Same twenty- five year old she had left in rains.
The voices roared around her at once.
"I can't live without you!" "Me too"
"I love you!" "I love you Sharon!"
"I am getting married Swayam!"
"You should get married Sharon. . .We ca never be together."
"You gotta forget me."
"Will you be able to forget me?
"With time. . .maybe yes!"
It was a lie. She had read it in his eyes. But she hadn't ask another question in fear of him ruining her every memory.
Answers were lie.
"Did you forget me? Her voice cracked.
His eyes smiled first and then his lips. And he again looked at her like she was a child.
"Had I forgotten you. . .Do you think I would have been here?" He asked with his eyes filled with love, like she had always remembered.
"You still love me?" She asked tears brimming from her eyes.
Do you remember what I told you about us?' He asked looking into her eyes.
"No matter what happens in future. You are gonna stay in my heart forever . . .Bloody hell! We are married in my heart." His voice and their laughter came from somewhere and faded slowly.
"We aren't meant to live in each other's lives Sharon, we are meant for hearts." He smiled lovingly at her and she finally smiled back.
"Do not worry Sharon. . . Togetherness is not but our love is forever." He said moving back. She wanted to stop him but the place was closing in on her and he was moving away, she wanted to touch him and hug him but he had disappeared in oblivion before the place closed in on her and the whiteness blinded her enough that she couldn't keep up and pulled herself out opening her eyes.
She opened her eyes to find herself staring at the ceiling fan. Her breathing was fast and this place wasn't white. . .She looked around and realized she was in her room, the sun was rising outside and the sky was red. She turned around to find a little girl and a man sleeping beside her, her daughter, the man was her husband. She looked at them and smiled.
And then closed her eyes to listen to her heartbeats.
He lived there and she was felt content with the assurance of being alive in his heart.
"We aren't meant to live in each other's lives Sharon, we are meant for hearts."
In the quietness of blank spaces of life like these, they were together.
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