"Sadly missed along life's way , quietly remembered every day !
No longer in my life to share, but in my heart, you are always there !"
On that fateful morning under the bright blue sky --
Janubai was sitting there in the front yard of her house breast feeding her 4months old infant . There was a nip in the sea breeze, though it was already half past 9am . Many fishermen left the shore early in the morning as usual ; only women, kids and elderly were left behind . A crow was silently watching the feeding mother from the Neem tree which was standing guard in front of the house !
The sea water regressed considerably and from a distance the water front was looking like a silver line! It was an unusual sight...the sea never left the shore that much inward and was appearing like a normal extended regression. But later it was to be proved that the innocuous looking sea, in fact, was like a tiger taking a few paces backward before pouncing on its prey !
Feeding over , with a satisfied look the infant started playing hide and seek with his mother. While smiling, a tiny drop of milk dripped from the edge of his lips and was quickly swallowed by the sand down below! A mother's love absorbed by the thirsty earth . She wiped his mouth with her pallu .
The laughter of the kids playing on the abandoned fishing boat is echoed on that shore! At that moment her elder son Kittu came running out of the house with a school bag to say bye to his mother! He just bent down to kiss the cheeks of his brother , and she was trying to cover her chest, then there was a sudden splash of water followed by rumbling and roaring sounds as the sea waves started rushing towards the shore! Morning walkers on the beach and residents in the fishermen's settlements almost abutting the sea got a rude shock when waves leaping up to 30-40 ft crossed the beach and slammed into the houses nearby, catching everyone unawares.
The sudden gush of water tossed Janubai and her kids high and were taken along by the surging wavefront and were floating in the water for a while, as they were carried far away by the tidal wave. In the spurt of the moment she caught hold of Kittu's hand with one hand , before she realised they were lifted out of the ground and were hanging entangled in the branches of a neem tree . She managed to get a foot hold over a big branch , then suddenly with a roaring sound another tidal wave hit the shore and she had almost lost balance , but managed to hold on to the branch gripping it tightly with one hand and with the other pressed the infant to her bare chest. Meanwhile Kittu clung to his mother's neck with his both hands , terrified at that sudden uprooted displacement ! She looked down and was seeing water everywhere ... many thatched roofs were being washed away , many wails from far and near , the frightened squeaks of the birds displaced from trees , the crackling sounds of houses and walls lent the air. An onslaught of destruction , an angered sea's revengeful eradication could be seen! The water level started raising and it was difficult for Janubai to withstand in that raging water ! A shocked numbness occupied her mind , watching Kittu struggling to hold on to her . The water force was too much for his tender hands as he was trying to cling on to his mother. In the deluge the infant in her arms started choking as he swallowed some water and he vomited the milk he just took which got mixed in that huge sea of water.
"Mom ... I can't , my hands are aching , I am unable to hold , I am slipping Ma , please hold me Ma ...I can't any more,please catch me Ma.."
"Kittu hold me tightly ,"-- her neck was aching , almost ready to break , with one hand she caught the branch tightly , preventing herself and the clinging kids from getting washed away , with the other hand she tightly pressed the infant to her chest. Minutes passed , Kittu's hands started losing grip as he was fast losing all his energy and was going pale with fear in his eyes . In a spurt of that moment she just tried to catch him with another hand but realized that she doesn't have the third hand !!
Shocked at that realization ...only two hands ... oh God ..she wailed ... the weight she was bearing has become unbearable now... still with a squeaky voice , she said hold me tight Kittu , don't leave Baabu! "
"Ma , can't stand anymore , I am terrified , want to hug you , put your hands around me Maa , please hold me Maa "--
She was struggling , with physical pain ... the little kid was crying , but his eyes were reflecting full faith as he was in his mother's hands ! Kittu was pleading , now his voice changed from yelping to wails , slowly his voice was weakening ..he was searching for the assurance in his mother's eyes , which always showered love on him.. all the time ..he was waiting for that reassuring touch ; suddenly he got a doubt,-- why Mom is not hugging me? I am in such a pain , in danger , why she is not trying to save me'? ... a fear! a disbelief !!
"Amma , " -- he started crying , she was combating with her senses , on the verge of fainting , cursing herself for not having another hand to hug her child , can't leave the branch , if she leaves , all three will be washed away by the inundating water, wanted to tie the infant to her waist with the pallu , and catch Kittu with the other hand , but can't do that now , searching for the other ways , no higher branches left to climb up. She was scared of losing her foothold because of the brute force of the water current. The force was such that the thatched houses were circling and floating like paper boats ! Another splash of water crossed the shore line, which was not visible now.. there was no shore to see!, only sea! Surrounded by water and with a sudden jerk , Kittu lost his grip and was washed away , without a wail , not even a word !... she shouted with a weak voice " Baaboo ..." water took him away from her , she was about to jump into the water to catch him, but the infant cried with a squeaky voice as his mother's body shuddered that sent shivers in him ! She stopped, looked into that kid's face and then turned towards the devastating sheets of water. Her eyes started searching frantically for Kittu .. he was nowhere to be seen! The sea swallowed him ! She was numbed and a feeling of emptiness engulfed her!
No energy was left in her to comprehend, with lifeless eyes she started staring at the unending expanse of water. The baby in her hold was stilled and was gasping for breath.
After an unaccountable time lapse, the water level started receding , she was able to sit on the branch , now the fact slowly trickled into her mind..' where is Kittu?.. she was unable to protect him .. threw him into the cruel hands of death . If she did something, he could have been saved . Why he looked in to my eyes in such a disbelief?' .. a feeling of guilt engulfed her..
Oh God ...why it happened ? How he must have felt while going away from me ? How he cried for help ? Why I am still alive after losing my son... those tender hands ... he cried with pain , those looks ...praying for help, I lost my motherly instinct(did I?) and I lost him forever . I deserve to die, why the kid paid with his life for my inability? "
No idea how long she was there , the baby cried and fainted in her hands , she was not aware of that ,she was looking deep into the water and sat there with empty looks .
Some people came swimming there and rescued her along with the infant . They were given first aid and sent to rehab camp . Weeping survivors everywhere . Pain and hope alike were harvested from the tragedy . There were hundreds of people who lost one or the other member of their family and were there like moving corpses !
People from all over the world offered
their assistance.
She sat in a corner of the room and nursed the baby and fed him. She refused to
eat the food offered by the rescuers. She was not able to convince herself
that she lost her first child forever... unable to clear that guilty feeling!
She searched for her husband in all rehab centres and in hospitals, but did not get any news. In about 15 days, the Govt. along with NGO's, put back the shanties of the fisher folk and extended financial support. But there was no news about the missed fishing boats. In those 15days she trudged up to the shore many times, standing there with moist eyes, as if questioning the mighty ocean for the tragedy , for the loss of her loved ones ! The irreparable loss and pain caused during the tsunami has left a deep scar on her mind.
That day she was standing in the front yard and staring at the sea as usual... Jaanu!' , a known voice , she turned her head and saw her husband running towards her, he came running and hugged her !
" I feared that I lost everything in my life , thank God , my family is intact , as long as you are there , we all will be safe Jaanu " -
Janubai was watching the happiness overflowing from his face , he heard the cry of the baby, ran in , saw the baby in the cloth swing , touched his tender cheeks , the baby smiled in the sleep , there is a twinkle in his tearful eyes , searched for the elder one , looked at her with questioning eyes . She stood there crushed under the guilt, slowly his face turned red with anger -
" What ? Killed my kid? left him to the sea? Can't you save a small kid ?" A slap on her face, she bowed her head down as if the God himself has meted the punishment ! On previous occasions , whenever he beat her under the influence of booze , she used to react , scolding him, used to threaten him of leaving permanently . But now, she stood there stranded in her sorrow, she stood there glaring at him with lifeless eyes. He looked at her and crumbled over her feet crying , because he knew what a loving mother she has been and how much dedicated she was towards her family!
He too started going from pillar to post in search of Kittu, their darling son and as days passed by, with a dwindling hope they continued their search !
Since then she often started going nearer to the sea to stand there staring at it, as if searching through its bottom for her kid whom she was yet to find. Day after day, the morning light reflected over the mild ripples of the sea, shining as if a weak baby was glaring at the grown-up world with wonder. A strong desire used to fill her inner self , to take the entire ocean in to her two hands to kiss it to feel as if she was planting a kiss over her child's tender cheeks with a burst of pure motherly warmth! She knew that , her kid is there in every drop of the ocean , that's why she wants to hug the entire water body with her tiny hands
Later in the sea she started seeing a dim reflection of herself... in that, her son smiles at her, then a sudden realisation dawns and she tells herself.. yes, he is there , in my every inch , in me only ! In my heart forever, as long as I am alive!' She smiles painfully.
Her continuing existence after the death of her kid tore her into pieces...but hope lingers, looking at the radiant face of her infant child with captivating glances and invigorating smiles, her fears get shattered, her gloom gets over -shadowed by the thrill of watching a child grow, giving love, bestowing trust in her and in return, expecting all and more in abundance! Surely, a full time job on hand for a doting mother...and the life goes on...
This is in remembrance of all those who perished in the Indian Ocean Tsunami, on 26 December, 2004 and all those who are sustaining those memories- dedicated to the spirit of life!
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