Hello everyone... firstly... I apologize for not completing the previous SS... i just could not continue... i think the closure in the show was good enough so i kind of abandoned it.
Here is another OS for you. Hope you all like it. Please let me know if you like it. Definitely let me know if you think i could do better!
Enjoy!!!
Raman... I need you!
Everything has changed since the accident. We lost our baby... Raman was a mess... and Adi and Ruhi... they looked so sad and confused... So I did the only thing I knew... move ahead... not think about anything but Raman, Adi and Ruhi... That day in the hospital... When Raman told me that I had lost our baby... for one moment I did not want to live... I just wanted cry... but then I felt Adi tugging my hand... I heard a whispered Ishima from him... I looked at him and saw that blank look on his face... my son was sad, worried and guilty... I turned to my little angel and saw the pain in her eyes... the fear of losing me to this grief in her tears... my kids needed me... but before I got back to being Ishima... I needed to grieve... Ishita needed to grieve for her lost miracle... so I turned to the one person who was my rock... I walked to him and stared into his eyes... waiting for him to grab me in a hug and console me... but what I saw there scared me... Raman was ready to take care of me... I could see him gather strength from every ounce of his body as he tried to face me... but he still could not look at me...
At that moment I realised something... this amazing man loved me more than anything in this world... he too had lost a child... but the only grief he felt was for me... he was worried how I would take the news... Raman grieved for Ishita... the woman he loved... for the child he lost... but there was another person who needed support... the father who lost his child... the man who saw his wife in pain... And at that moment I decided that I could wait... that I had to be strong... that if I broke down right now then Raman would never ever get over the loss of our baby... that he would forever hold himself responsible for my pain... and Adi and Ruhi - I did not want their future to be defined by the loss of their sibling... so I held his hand and consoled him... so I hugged my children and thanked Murugan for keeping them safe... so I decided to gather the pieces of our life that had been scattered by this tragedy... and move on as a family...
It has been over a week... it is getting more and more difficult for me to hide my pain... I cannot muster that enthusiasm to make everyone think that I am ok... Raman understands this well... Today when Ruhi was playing with Kshitija, I thought that the pain would kill me... it took a lot of strength to not show my pain in front of others... I probably would have folded if Raman would not have been there to hold my hand... "Tum theekh ho?"... That one question of his gave me the strength that I needed.
At night... when the whole world is asleep... I turn to my anchor and hold him tight... it is reflexive the way he gathers me in his arms... his even breathing tells me that he is asleep... so I let my tears flow... just like had the previous night... and the night before that... or the one before that... burying myself in his chest... inhaling his musky scent... I stop being the being a mother, a wife, a daughter or anyone else... in his arms I became Ishita... and I cried my heart out... for the baby I lost... for the man I love... for the miracle that was snatched away from us... I let myself go... not realising when I fall into a tired and numbing sleep...
I extend my hand searching for Raman... he is not there... I open my eyes and realise that it is eight in the morning... I get up only to see Ruhi feeding Adi and Raman while they get ready... this is our daily norm now... the kids come to our room after their bath to get ready... all four of us trying in our own way to overcome our loss... I smile as I listen to Ruhi lecture our men about the benefits of a healthy breakfast... Adi is trying to quieten her... reminding her that Ishima is asleep when Raman cracks a one liner about his Bhalla women and I chuckle... all three turn to me... they have a worried look in their eyes... wondering if today is the day that I break... but are relieved and happy to see me smile... after getting dressed and helping Adi and Raman with their ties and Ruhi with her pig tails I send them off to school and work...
As I walk past the mirror... I see a post-it... picking it up I realise that it is from Raman... "Madrasan... Thank you for being my rock... I am OK now... after the drunken stunt I pulled last week and all that knee jerk reaction to our loss... I am OK now... so you don't have to wet my night shirt after I fall asleep... Just call me when you need... and I will be there for you... and trust me... I can handle it now! - Your Punjabi Sher XOXO"...
I smile through my tears... everyone thought that I did not grieve... that I was in shock... but they did not realise... that I was grieving... every time that Raman cried... they were my tears... every time he ranted and raged against destiny... they were my words... every time Raman he looked at the stars... he was searching for our baby... yes... I did not show my grief... but that was because I did not need to... Raman understood it... and that is what mattered... he needed me... and I was there... I lost a child... I lost a chance to be a mother... but unlike my past... this time... the man I loved still needed me... and that gave me the strength to continue...
Walking down the stairs I hear laughter in the living area... I see that the society ladies are there... all busy laughing... gossiping... with no clue about the loss that we suffered... I see Mummy Ji looking at me with worry... I smile and let her know that I am ok... as I begin to sit on the couch... the talk starts... someone asks me when I would be giving the good news... Simmi tries to intervene when I hold her hand... it is not their fault... they did not know about the baby... I smile at the lady and just shrug... before I can say something... I hear Sarika ask for Neelu... she wants her to hold Rohit while she prepares her milk... I take Rohit from her and sit near the stairs... admiring his little face... smiling as I try to remember the image of my baby as Raman and I had imagined... Sarika comes to take him and with a heavy heart I give her Rohit... she looks harried... I think with college, Rohit and the added burden of house hold chores because of my absence she is very tired... I try to help her by asking if I could feed Rohit... and she snaps at me... "Bhabhi... Rohit is too young... you don't know how to take care of a baby... your children are older... let me just finish so I can leave for college."... It hurts when I hear that... I can feel the silence in the room as everyone keeps looking at me... I understand what Sarika meant... but the pity in everyone else's eyes... it is just too much... I mumble some excuse and walk upstairs to our room... somewhere in the back ground I can hear Mummy Ji and Simmi shout at Sarika... I should intervene... but right now... I can't...
I rush to the wash room and splash water on my face... trying to camouflage my tears... Raman... Raman... Raman... I need to keep repeating his name... in the last week every time I thought that the pain was becoming too much... all I had to do was keep telling his name... and the realization that he needed me would make the pain go away...Raman... Raman... Raman... but today it doesn't seem to work... I get back to the room to realize that Simmi is banging on the door... Raman... Raman... Raman... I can't control my sobs... I somehow convince Simmi to leave me alone... Raman... Raman... Raman... I begin to shiver... I walk towards our bed and see his post-it message... "Just call me when you need... and I will be there for you... and trust me... I can handle it now!" Raman... Raman... Raman... I grab my phone and call him... Raman... Raman... Raman... he picks up on the first ring... hearing his voice calms me down... All I say is "Raman... I need you"... he cuts the call... Raman... Raman... Raman... I rock back and forth trying to contain this storm within me... I don't know how long it has been... Raman... Raman... Raman... I hear banging... "ISHITA... IT'S ME"... I rush to open the door and hug him... he gathers me in his arms... walks into the room... and kicks the door shut... it is done... I cannot be the strong one any more... My Raman is here... so I can let go... I could have done this earlier... I should have done this earlier... but right now is also ok... Raman is here... taking my pain away... letting me cry for the life we lost... whispering my name and wiping my tears... asking me to let go...
It is twelve in the night... we have been in this room the whole day... I don't remember how long it was before I let my hold on his shirt loosen... he even managed to crack a one-liner about my recent liking for his wet shirts ... my Raavan Kumar... how long before Simmi knocked on the door to give our lunch... how long before we realized that we had shared every unfulfilled dream that we had about our baby... how long before Adi and Ruhi came in with dinner... ready to fight with the world on my behalf... how long before I fell asleep... my head resting on his shoulder... Ruhi sitting on her father's lap explain about the latest Barbie Doll trends... Adi lying down with his head in my lap... rolling his eyes heaven ward at his sister's talk...
I open my eyes to the most beautiful sight in the world... the man I love is sleeping next to me with his arms around me on one side and our son on the other... while our daughter is lying on top of him... head on her father's chest... holding my hair in one hand and her brothers hand in the other... this is my life... this is my whole life... right here in this bed... I am happy... there will always be a void in me for the baby I lost... but I am going to be happy... and if there is ever a time when sadness engulfs me... all I have to say is - "RAMAN... I NEED YOU!"
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