|| SwaRon FF : I Hate To Love You || NEW THREAD LINK IN THE INDEX - Page 94

Just one thing I want to let you all know, This part is my personal favorite. ;)

***

It felt good to have my head lean on her shoulder. She felt warm and familiar, which was a little difficult to believe considering that; I was not familiar with her like a husband would be with his wife. Our relationship, whatever it is, feels strange. I still cannot put a name to it.

Is she my wife? Definitely no,

Is she my fiance? Yeah, sort of.

Can I call her my girlfriend? Utter bullshit.

A friend? She would hang herself before letting me be her friend.

The most suitable one was, Ex-wife. However, she was never a wife figure to me so how can I call her my Ex, another crap.

There was an odd, honestly speaking a good kind of relief with having her so close to me like that. We were sitting in the balcony, against the strong brick wall supporting our backs on it. It was past midnight and the only light surrounding us was from the moon and some streetlights from around the corner. We were so close yet so far.

I was sitting with my legs spread out, head on her shoulder, contrary to that she curled up in a ball, so tiny, her knees touching her chest and she had put her head on it, facing the other side. The way we were sitting was uncomfortable, but I could not pull away. I was attracted to her as if she was the flower and I was a freaking butterfly, and the feeble discomfort of the position my body felt was nothing compared to the comfort my heart was feeling.

Something had changed, between us, but what? I do not have a f**king idea. Everything around us changed to feel that, It was so usual to have that moment. At that time, nothing mattered more than whatever we were feeling. It would be a lie if I say that I was not apprehensive to rest my head on her shoulder, to lean my body towards her. My heart had almost leaped out of my rib cage when she shivered from the contact we made. I thought she would stand up abruptly and blow my mind, but she did not, completely sending me over the edge. I could feel the heat radiating from her body through her thin cotton shirt, and the urge to grab her face and kiss her senseless was so hard to ignore.

Anyone passing us would say that we were gazing the sky calmly, but the reality was far from it. We both were deep in our thoughts, I sat there staring aimlessly ahead, and she was drawing some patterns on the floor with her fingertip, something she always did whenever she thinks. She was using her left hand because I had clasped her right hand in mine. Another freaking courageous thing I did on that night, I had entwined our fingers after a few minutes I put my head on her shoulder.

When she walked into my balcony a half an hour ago, she was panting for her life and as soon as she had seen me all safe and sound she plopped herself beside me. I did not ask her to stay, nor to sit but she just did that by herself. I knew why she was panting; she might have run to see what the crashing sound was. I had crashed an old mobile. Since she sat down, we both neither looked at each other nor did we try to speak but we felt the presence.

The comfort she provided me was unbelievable. How could a person do that?

It was the most intense moment I had with her, the most intimate one if I avoid the earth-shattering kiss. Days after I felt her, I touched her, and I connected to her. It will sound cheesy and cliche but the truth should be told, I had never been this private to her, I let myself to be vulnerable, I let myself to be exposed, and finally I let myself to be healed.

She shifted in her position, bringing her left arm around her legs and she waved it in front of me as if she was checking whether I was asleep.

"I'm awake, Sharon." Her shoulders tensed under my cheek. She abruptly pulled her hand away and wound it around her legs, clutching her knees a bit more tightly than needed. I smirked as a thought hit me. She was restraining herself from touching me. "You know, you can touch me,"

I know I sounded smug, but I just could not help it. The thought of making her all hot and bothered was heavenly.

"I do not want to touch you,"

She sounded so weak, so fragile and I mentally scolded myself for that. It was happening because of me, I had worn out her.

While I was in the hospital, time flew quickly and two weeks had passed since I accidentally confessed. On that evening when Sharon walked into my allotted hospital room, she seemed so distant, as if a few hours changed whatever we had as if someone poured water on whatever progression we made. We were back to square one. She rarely talked to me, a few words here and there. It was so difficult to have her inside the room and without her acknowledging my presence. She was there for me for every minute, but just physically. We did not talk for more than five minutes, and as days passed the distance increased. I was healing fast, the doctor had said my wounds were not that deep, but since I had lost a lot of blood, I needed to be there under observation. Yesterday I discharged, the cast around my arms was gone, but I was still under meditation.

The only thing that happened was, my dad, Taani and Rey came to visit me in hospital. I still do not know what Sharon told them, but she told me that I should not worry because they were unaware of my mental illness. I had cringed inwardly when those words left her mouth. It would be an understatement to say, her words hurt because they literally punched me in the guts.

I am mentally unstable.

I had been questioning her about the sudden change. I knew the things were not normal between us before like other people, but I could not accept the fact that Sharon could easily shut me out.

"You should sleep,"

She brought me back from my thoughts, and when I lifted my head to look at her, she was already staring at me with a look in her eyes that I have never seen before.

Was that pity?

I shuddered.

"You know something, don't you?"

I asked her, keeping the eye contact. I wanted to see her eyes; I wanted to know what she was feeling. As I watched the pity disappearing and a new emotion forming, I knew my assumption was true. She indeed knows something. As if I knocked out the last bit of air from her lungs, she inhaled deeply, before casting her eyes down. Though we had moved away from each other a bit I did not leave her hands. When she was not looking at me, I squeezed her palm, bringing her eyes to my eye level.

"Answer me, Sharon. Did you do anything that you shouldn't have?"

It might have sounded as if I was controlling her as if I was pointing out that she should not do anything against my orders, but that moment, I was far from worrying about what my words sounded like. I was scared for her and me; she shouldn't try to find anything that would cost her many things. What would I do if she finds something inappropriate about me and walks away?

She narrowed her eyes into slits, an unbelievable look taking in her eyes, and I could see her demeanor changing. "So there is something you are hiding?"

"Huh,"

I was suddenly speechless. Her question was so lame because we both know that there was a bunch of things that I was hiding. Pulling her hands forcefully out of my grasp, she sat straight, avoiding me and my eyes traveled to my cold palms, which was warm a second before. She has taken the warmth away. My whole body shivered as if someone threw ice-cold water over me. Why was Sharon behaving so differently? I mused.

"I went to meet a psychologist." She started speaking, looking ahead, but when she finished, she was staring at me, daring me to look away. Her face knocked me out. It was pale, pain stricken.

It took me a moment to register her words, did she just say a psychologist?

"Why?" I choked out.

Without waiting for any moment, Sharon turned her body to face mine. There was a sudden change in the atmosphere. The air thickened, making it difficult to breathe. The warmth I lost came back to me when she took my palms inside her. Holding them tightly she pulled them slowly towards her lap, and that action brought me closer to her than before, I slightly moved, crossing my legs I faced her. Facing each other, I waited for her to speak up.

"I wanted to help you," she took a pause and continued, "You need help, Swayam."

I knew exactly what she meant and my blood ran cold, numbing my senses. I knew she was right in every possible way, but I wanted to hear from her mouth so I pushed the limits.

"What are you trying to implement?"

I was aware of the tone of accusation in my voice, but I did not try to avoid it because I was accusing her, I knew where that talk was going.

"That,... you know,... you self-harm,..." She stammered,

"Say it, Sharon, come on, say that I am mentally unstable." I was surprisingly calm, which not only astonished her but me also. She stayed quiet for a few minutes and resumed talking and when she did, I was surprised by her determination.

"Swayam, that is a truth and you need to let me help you."

"And how are you planning to do that?" I did not miss a second to form my words, I wanted to clear this mess, but it seemed like it was getting messier as the process went on.

Reluctantly, I pushed myself away from her; I knew she was right. I really needed help but bringing her into my mess was the last thing I wanted to do. I said that I was ready to be healed, but that would lead to many confessions, and those were powerful enough to break whatever I had created so far. Everything would crumble down if something went wrong.

"Let me heal you, she said that your life lacks love."

I stood up abruptly as if she burnt me. Those were exactly what my mother told. My memory of that dream was so clear that I could not erase it from my brain. It just imprinted there forever.

Though I was facing away from Sharon I could feel the movements, and soon she appeared beside me. "It would be difficult for both of us," I muttered, audible enough for her to hear.

"Well, difficulties can go and f**k themselves,"

I snapped my head to my left hearing her swear, I never thought that she would swear like that. My eyes were stuck on her face, her eyes shined under the moonlight, keeping me captivated. What was there about her that kept me so hooked? As my eyes went to her lips, I saw a smile forming on them, evaporating the tension that hung around us before. She glowed under the moonlight, and I was so tempted to crush her to me and kiss her until she remembers nothing but me. Thinking about our kiss in the kitchen awoke my desire to a limitless level, the urge to push her against the wall and show her how much I missed being close to her was making me so blind. It was so hard to pretend that she did not affect me. She freaking did.

"Swearing and all," I slightly collided my shoulders with her and teased her.

She burst out laughing, it was without any doubt the most beautiful sight I have ever seen and the most melodious sound I ever heard. Taking the sight in, I knew I was falling for her hard and deep.

"So, are you ready?"

I nodded my head with a small amount of hesitation. I could not say 'no' to the hope she had. Maybe, by the end of this, I would be able to win her again.

***