|| SwaRon FF : I Hate To Love You || NEW THREAD LINK IN THE INDEX - Page 93

Hi, Guys...

How are you all?

I know sometimes my note is irritating but I'm trying my best to avoid it but it seems like it's not possible. Today I have a reason for this note.

When I conceived this story, I never planned the plots and the characters to its perfection but I knew how imperfect this Swayam was going to be. I wanted him to be different from the one we have been admiring since years, the one from D3. My character Swayam is far different from the one in D3. So that, I just want you guys to approach him in a different way, what I mean is... I know the lover boy Swayam would never self-halm but the Swayam my story has, will because he is nothing like Sharon's lover boy.

Thank you.

***

28.

I was laying on the floor of a dimly lighted room, It was so cold that my whole body restricted to move. I could feel nothing but my head, which was on someone's lap. The person was moving, trying to sit comfortably without waking me up. I couldn't open my eyes, there was a heavy weight over them stopping me still I could feel wetness around me and I knew I was in the pool of blood.

How did I manage to live even after losing that much amount of blood, I wondered.

After numerous vain attempts, I was succeeded to open my eyes. When I looked up, my eyes met with a pair of dark brown eyes, watching me with care. I have never seen those but still, I felt a pull towards it. It was a beautiful woman, her face was molded into perfection and a small smile adorned her lips making it difficult to look away. However, It wasn't the care that astounded me but the pain that her posture screamed.

Why was such a beautiful woman in pain?

I knew my face showed my confusion and my forehead was creased into worry lines. Without hesitating she put her palms over my eyes, shielding it from the light. I mentally thanked her for doing that, the light was hurting my eyes. I had been wanting to pull my eyes away from it but the pain in my arms didn't allow me. Yes, my arms were still torn into magnificence. She moved her palms in a way that now it rested on my forehead. I shivered under her ice cold fingers, they were unusually cold.

Why was she so cold?

As she led her fingers to my hair, I felt she was taking away my exhaustion. I felt light headed, the pain was reducing.

"Who are you?" I asked staring at her face, my voice low.

She chuckled, "You don't know me?" Her eyebrows were pulled up in confusion. She reminded me of myself.

"No, I have never met you before," I said.

As those words slipped out of my mouth her face morphed into pain. I watched how she was breathing deeply as if she was controlling herself before she spoke again, and what she said send me over the edge, "I'm your mother, Swayam." She gently said and I could feel the fear in her words.

She is my mother but why can't I recognize her? I thought.

'Because you never met her. You know, you are the reason why she couldn't survive.'

My mind taunted me as a high pitched evil laugh rang inside my head along with my step mother's infected words. I shook my head to get rid of that voice.

"Are you really my mother?" I asked the woman who claimed to be my mom.

Can I trust her?

"I am,"

"Then why did you leave me?" Before I could stop myself, words were flying out of me, I had been wanting to ask that for a long time now. I know my voice sounded accused and I wasn't sorry for that.

"I never left you, son. I was here," She said, putting her fingers on the left side of my chest as if she was saying, she was there in my heart, "with each step you took in your life." She comforted me and I believed her. If she was saying that then I would believe it.

I was new to that tenderness and that aberrant situation was a total bizarre. I didn't know how much time I stayed there, I really didn't care about that. As I laid on the floor keeping my head on her lap with her fingers threading through my hairs, I struggled to keep me awake. Nevertheless, I chose to keep my eyes shut.

Apparently, after some time a brand new thought began to generate inside my head questioning my actions and I could fathom, that was something I wanted to know desperately.

"Maa, can I ask you something?"

"Hmm,"

"I can't handle this isolation anymore. What is that one thing that we don't have but need to survive?"

It seemed like she was the only person, who could help me and I didn't know why I turned to her until she told me to not to give up. I know what lacked in my life, it was the sentiment. The warmth I longed from people. The indifference I faced from people made me numb towards their feelings. I never cared about them cause no one cared mine.

"I think I am a shoddy human." I urged,

Being with her, I was going back to the childhood I never had. I never got a chance to experience a moment like this in my life. I never got to speak to my mother like children do. It was always my Naani, but she was just mother-like, not mother.

"You are not a shoddy human, Swayam and you know, you are far from that. You just need to work."

"On what?"

Though my eyes were closed I could feel she watching me intently, as if she was trying to imprint my face into her head. Since I hated to see the disappointment in her eyes I had deprived me of looking at her.

What would be there in her eyes other than disappointment?

"Just make her fall in love with you again."

A shiver ran down my spine as soon as those words fell in my ear. Her voice was so smooth like cheese that I melted into it completely, "What does that have to do with what I asked?" I asked her quickly before letting me stare at those eyes and they were so pure that I was amazed at her solicitude.

Prior to speaking, she smiled. "Your life lacks Sharon."

I have never been a fan of dreams. They feel so real when everything is so non-real. I would say dreams are our thoughts that we are ashamed to express or may be we are scared to speak about. Sometimes they are those things we want to have but never gonna get.

When I woke up from my slumber, I saw Sharon standing beside my bed scrutinizing me. Her stare was so hard that I had to look away to feel comfortable. I was being watched by a person I would do anything to hide from. I hated the vulnerability she awakens within me.

I would have been less surprised if I had woken up in an unfamiliar room than a hospital room.

"I brought you here,"

Sharon answered my unasked question. Her presence affected me in a way that none had the privilege before. She had been a part of my life I would never even try to forget, she had been that part I would never mind to erase and now she is that part of my life who became my life. I could see my future with her because none else ever handled me better than her. Since few days I was finding it's difficult to not to think about her, she had evaded my mind and soul like none else.

I never planned the confession I did, as she said it was a slip of tongue. However, I never doubted it, though it was a slip of the tongue that was something I needed. When I held her so close to me, the attraction I had to her engulfed me and I forgot my inhibitions and limitations. When her lips touched mine I knew it wasn't just a sublime attraction it was more than that. I was anticipating whatever happened, I knew she wasn't going to accept me just in a snap of fingers. But I thought, I had a chance and that was where I was wrong. I had pushed her away to even get a chance. Eventually, my mind wandered back to the unpleasant events happened between us. Everything was so crystal clear, the kiss, the confession, the rejection and the self-mutilation.

Was I a douchebag to hurt myself because she rejected me?

No, I wasn't. I didn't hurt myself because of that.

Though I had a family unlike Sharon I never got anything that a family could offer and I have been alone in my life since I was born. There was none to hear me when I wanted to tell how well I played in the football match or to comfort me when some kid pushed me in the school. Dad was there to scold me when I failed my exams, but he never had time to ask me why I was failing. For him, I was a disappointment but he never tried to know what made his son like what he was.

I was not ashamed of what I was doing, I know it's cowardly to hurt your body but I could not just stop. It all started from school. For me, it was a coping mechanism to get some temporary relief from my emotional numbness.

What would you do when you end up inside four walls with nothing but loneliness when everything you want is a companion? Not just a night, not just a day, not just days, not just months but years. Everyone will fall into depression.

I have tried to hold myself from doing it but the solace that gave me was so tempting. When I shove the blade inside my body I forget my emotional turmoil then all I need to worry was about how to deal with the mess I did with my body.

Eventually, the physical pain eats the emotional one.

I jolted awake from my thoughts when Sharon cleared her throat. I had dazed out. She hadn't moved an inch from where she was standing, I didn't know why she was watching me like, my face had the solutions of her every freaking problem.

"Do you need anything?" She asked.

"I need to go home," I blurted out, my voice was hoarse and it came out indifferently. That was the only thing I needed that time, I just wanted to go home and hide under my covers so that I could avoid that interrogation. No, I was not running away from her, I just needed some time to let it out. There was no chance that I would let her find out how weak I was.

"You can't," She snapped before walking towards the couch.

I cringed as soon as my eyes took the room I was in. I was inside a white room, it was so white that my eyes pained to even look at it. I would rather call it a pale room. Everything was so white but the pastel blue curtains contrasted the room lightly. There was a saline drip on the back side of my left hand's palm, a bandage on my biceps and there was a cast around my right hand from my wrist to my upper arm. I was laying on a single bed, too small to fit my lean frame.

Okay, it was not like I did not notice the saline tube, bandage, cast, such freaking things before, it was just we all know what happens in a hospital.

There weren't many things, there was a television on the wall, a night stand, a table and a couch, which was occupied by Sharon.

Where are dad and Tanni, I wondered.

"Dad has gone to a trip and Tanni is in her one friend's home," Sharon answered without even looking away from her mobile. It seemed like I said that loud.

"Do they know?"

It was something eating me since I woke up, What will happen if they find out what I did.

"They don't, I didn't tell anyone."

The whole time while talking to me, she was doing something on her mobile and that set me in a bad mood. I didn't know what but she was definitely planning something. As I laid there I let my eyes wander on Sharon, there was something so enchanting about her which kept me captivated. She was a ten-year- old when I met her the first time but the first emotion I felt to her was hate. I despised her the moment I saw her smile. I deserved the happiness she had, I was the one who should have been in the place she was, I should have been the one, who was the other end of my father's love but she took everything away, I didn't know what was it that pulled my dad towards her, I didn't know what made my dad forget about his own kids for a little girl. As I grew up the hate multiplied into million times, the only thought I had for years was to destroy her and I did but how wrong I was. She destroyed me and I destroyed her but she rose again leaving me behind.

When my eye lids grew heavy I let the sleep overtook me with a hope to see my mom again but only before thinking about what my mother said.

Do I really need her like the air?

***

Sharon was sitting inside the doctor's cabin waiting for him patiently. She had been hysterical since she found Swayam all torn inside his room. It was a horrifying sight that she almost fell down but his broken state pushed her to ignore her shock and to bring him to the hospital.

After a few minutes, an elderly man walked inside with a warm smile. He was dressed in a white shirt and white pants. He had a doctor's coat in his right arm hanging and a stethoscope around his neck.

"Good morning,"

Sharon stood up as soon as she heard him and returned the smile with a small morning. After gesturing her to sit, he sat down on his own chair. He didn't need his doctor's degree to know the woman sitting in front of him was panicking and she was one of his patient's relative.

"How can I help you, Miss..." He trailed off.

"Sharon, My name is Sharon. I came to talk about Swayam Shekhawat." She said.

"Mr. Shekhawat, How are you related to him?" The doctor asked making Sharon speechless. His spectacle rested on his nose giving him a tough look but there was tenderness in his eyes, which surprisingly calmed Sharon.

What would she say? Who is she to him?

"I'm his ex-wife. I brought him here." Sharon chose the best option she had, she didn't want to lie to that man because she knew at some point he would catch her lie.

"Ohh, you are that girl who pulled the amusing stunt in the reception to get me here." He mused.

"Yeah, I am really sorry for that. I was worried for him."

She shivered at the thought of something happening to him. When she rushed him to the hospital the receptionist told her that the doctor was unavailable due to some personal reasons. Sharon had to create a scene to arrange an another doctor. She told them that she would not think twice to file a case against them if something happened to Swayam.

"I understand, I needed to talk to you that's why I called you here, but I didn't expect you here in this early morning." He said chuckling.

Sharon tried to smile but ended up grimacing.

"So Sharon," He took a file from his table and turned a few pages, as he took in the contents his forehead filled with worry lines,

"Is there anything to worry, doctor?" Sharon was sitting with her fingers crossed.

"I'm afraid Sharon, Can I talk to someone else other than you?" He enquired confusing her.

"Why?" She snapped.

"I mean, can I talk to Mr. Shekhawat as in Swayam's dad." He inhaled a breath and exhaled it before securing the file in front of him.

"He is out of town, you can tell me anything." Sharon sat straight, at the edge of the chair. She knew there was something dangerous in that situation, other wise the doctor would have never asked for dad.

"I know I can, but I don't know how you will take it." He rubbed his temple.

"Try me," She urged,

"Okay, Do you know that he self-harms?"

Sharon cringed at his tone of voice, the seriousness he had was never wracking.

"Yeah I know, I saw him once with all blood and slashes around his neck and when I asked him, he told me that he cut himself"

Sharon answered truthfully, she didn't want to lie to the person who could potentially help her. She needed some answers and if Swayam would not speak then she had to find some other sources.

"Why does he do that?"

"I wish I know," She mumbled,

For a few minutes, they sat there in silence and it was the doctor who broke it.

"See Miss. Sharon, He will be physically fine in weeks but I'm worried about his mental strength."

"What do you mean?"

"Hmm, I will refer a psychologist to you, I think she can help you better than me."

"Okay, doctor. Thank you so much for saving him." Sharon stood up after taking the card he offered.

He smiled and dismissed her.

Sharon walked out, only one thought was lingering her mind.

"I promise Swayam, I'm going to find it out whether you like it or not."

***