Panaah
Main Kaynaat mein sayyaro mein bhatakta
raha
dhoop mein dhool mein uljhi kisi kiran ki
tarah
Main bhatakta hoon sadiyon se iss zamin
pe
gira jo waqt se katkar ushi lamhe ki
tarah
watan mila to zameen ke liye bhatakta
raha
gali mein ghar ka nishan dhoondhta raha
barson
pehle tumhari rooh mein
ab jism mein bhatakta hoon...
labo se chum lo aankhon se tham lo mujhko
tumhi se janmu toh shayad mujhe panaah
mile
-
Labon
Se, Aastha - in the prison of spring.
Lyrics - Gulzar Saab
The gist of these lines: The poet is saying that he is been
roaming around this planet trying to find solace 'therav' in hindi but he couldn't find any until he met his
beloved. He is pleading with her to kiss him with her lips and hold him with
her eyes, aakhon se tham lo-I cannot
translate this brilliance in English any better than this. This is about a man
being a wandering soul for ages till he is in the arms of his beloved.
Her
husband has been quiet, extremely so ever since they set off.
It
has her worried, she had assumed he would be happy, euphoric even at the turn
of events but he seems lost in his head to her. She does not know what to do or
say, so she simply stays mum; she can give him the time he needs.
What
happened today was huge, no, even huge seems a small word to define the magnanimity
of what transpired. Sure, they wanted this to happen, her family has awaited
for this day it seems like forever and today when that life-altering event has
taken place she had assumed the happiest of the lot would be Raman, he would be
out of control in a good way but he seems so withdrawn, so completely.
She
focuses on the road they are now on as he drives and it completely throws her
off for a moment. It takes her a moment
to pause, reflect and understand their destination. She is baffled as to why Raman
would want to go there but allows him to take her along in silence.
Soon
enough the car stops in front of the familiar premises of the Aakash Ganga Society, their home. The restoration
work going on in most of the homes is deafening. There is a flurry of activity
going on, men going about their various works, neither of them even giving them
a second glance.
She
sees cans of paint unloaded from a small tempo, one unloading furniture, one
that has electronic goods carefully whisked out by delivery boys.
Raman
quietly takes in the surroundings as he gets off from the car, his eyes set on
the balcony of their home. She has no doubt in her mind that his eyes are not noticing
his surroundings, so unlike him; he is not even hearing the raucous sounds that
are giving her a mild headache already. Her husband who is usually so hawkeyed
that he would spot even a minor difference in the color of the paint of his car
today is not even taking in his surroundings.
She
calls out to him twice but he does not reply back, doesn't even look at her and
she can't figure out if it's because he hasn't heard her over the racket or because
he is still somewhere inside his head.
Finally,
he looks at her, comes around the car towards her and extends his hand quietly.
She
looks at him wide-eyed trying to read his eyes, his face but the mask that has
been on his face ever since the moment in the court makes it impossible for her
to get a read on him. so she does the only thing she can, she takes his hand. The
moment she does that he pulls her forward and turns around towards the
building, side-by-side now as they stand he slips his digits between the gaps
of her fingers, entwining their hands in a fierce grip as he starts walking
towards the lobby.
Quiet
as a shadow she obeys his silent command and walks beside him as take to the
familiar surroundings. He marches on
ahead on the staircase heading towards their home while she walks behind him in
the narrow area, their hands still locked together.
Within
moments, they are facing the doorway to their home. She recalls the awful night
when their building went up in flames. It had been a day of heartaches and
heartbreaks. The events of the night spelled disaster one after another. They had been dressed in white that night,
she remembers. The color signifying
peace, calm, innocence and protection; the night though everything turned out
just contrary.
That
night robbed them - of the peace of their minds, her innocent friendship questioned,
the calm that she felt was settling around in their marital lives jeopardized
and even the roof over their head burnt to ashes.
Her
heart aches as she recalls the events of that night but she reigns herself in.
That phase is behind them, they have moved ahead, moved on now and what could
be a better way to allow the realization to sink in than this moment, one in
which her husband has held onto her hand tightly not to show dominance or
possession but out of love.
She
sees most of their place is done up. Now
only the final coat of the paint is all that is required to complete the work post
that they can set up the place and move in.
He
lets go off her hand and digs in the set of keys of the new lock for the door. Unlocking
the door, he steps in as she follows him inside locking the door behind her.
The
masons have taken a break today from their job stating the reason that this
coat of paint needs to dry completely for them to put on the final one. It
feels eerie to have their home quiet amidst a cacophony of sounds that surround
them.
She
sees her husband perusing their living room, the kitchen quietly. His eyes
lingering at a particular spot for moments before he shifts them to another. Quietly he walks towards the passageway and
enters their bedroom as she follows him.
He
scans each and every nook and corner of the room standing at the place where
their cupboard used to be as she slips in beside him. She is about to place a
hand on his shoulder when he walks away only to come to a halt in front of the
wall where their TV unit was placed.
In
what are his first words in about an hour he speaks up,
"Adi'
cradle used to occupy this spot when he was born Ishita. I remember I would sit
on a chair sometimes just to watch him sleep. He was so small, so beautiful to
look at. I had heard some of my colleagues and friends complain about sleepless
nights when they had a baby but Adi, he used to sleep the night away, only if
he was sick or in pain would he stay up or if his nappies needed changing would
he disturb at nights, otherwise he was such an easy baby. "
When
he turns to look at her she sees the tears pooling in his eyes, the way his
lips quiver as he looks at her, without a moment' delay she is in front of him.
"Raman..."
All
she can do is whisper his name, as tears well up in her eyes. Why, why does he
look so heartbroken, so upset now? She cannot fathom, cannot seem to understand
what is making him cry.
"What's
the matter Raman?"
He
chews on his lip even as he shakes his head, runs his hand through his hair as
he speaks up,
"That
is what I am trying to figure out Ishita. That is exactly what I cannot
understand too. What is the matter, what happened? What has happened to my Adi?"
"I
don't understand." She softly murmurs
making his head snap, making him cross the minuscule distance between them as
he holds her shoulders and looks her in the eye. His eyes bloodshot, his mask
finally gone as his features convey his incredulity, his anger and so much
more.
"Ishita
don't you find this strange tell me? Don't you think it just came out of nowhere?"
"I
do...but why are you so agitated? I know Adi' statement in the court came as a
shocker to all of us, but Raman you need to calm down. I know, I do that right
now probably a million questions are running through your head, you are trying
to figure out what got into Adi but you have to get a grip over yourself too. Do
not ask him directly what made him take this decision, he would close in even
more and he would need to get relaxed first. When he is comfortable I am sure,
he will open up to you. "
"I
know, I know but I am frightened Ishita, I am terrified. I cannot seem to stop
asking myself what happened that could have affected Adi in such a way. Why did
he say in the court that he wants to stay with us? I have wanted that so much
Ishita, so very much I cannot begin to tell you but today as I am getting what I
so desperately wanted I cannot seem to shake off the feeling that my son, my
Adi is hurt. Something must have happened, something huge to shake him so
completely that he did not even want to look at Shagun in the court. I have
been trying to figure out what could it be? He loves Shagun so much, what did
she do to my son Ishita? What could that woman have done to my child?"
"Only
Adi can answer that Raman, only he can but right now we shouldn't make him
answer these questions. He wants to live with us, so definitely something must
have happened that has shaken him but if we ask him what it would make him
think we do not want him here, his presence is unwanted and we do not want that
to happen. He has to feel safe and comfortable with us; once he does he would
open up, I promise you that."
"You
are right, absolutely right. He will, he will right. We need to give him time that's
it. we can do that. He can take as much time he wants, after all...he is coming home
and he is coming home to us for forever now. He is coming to live with us
Ishita. Oh god, he really is coming back. I still cannot believe it is
happening. This is for real right. I am not dreaming Ishita; please tell me, I am
not hallucinating or anything."
She
smiles fondly at him as she holds his hands tightly with her own.
"It
is Raman, it's very real. Your son is coming home to you."
"Not
mine but our son...ours Ishita, ours."
"Ours...
our son Adi..."
She
whispers in the faintest of voice as her eyes pool up. It isn't the first time
Raman has acknowledged her as the mother of his children, she recalls the night
she played a prank on him that scared him out of his wits, the night they lost
their way and ended up having an accident on their way to the picnic, but this
moment feels so much more than that day.
It
had only been words then; but now...now those words are about to become a
reality. She knows Adi has suffered a lot, even more so than Ruhi and whatever
made him say today in the court that he wishes to live with his father Raman
must be humongous as she knows he, Adi doesn't like her, loathes her in fact. However,
she cannot help but feel like a mother all over again; a mother that a son
desperately needs. The child of the man she is irrevocably in love with needs
her and she cannot and will not back out of it, for she knows its not only the
son but the father too who needs her at this juncture.
Her
beliefs affirmed in the next moment.
As
soon as she whispers the words, Raman pulls her into a hug. His arms banding
around her in the fiercest of grips as she hears him whisper in her ears,
"I
am so glad I have you. I am so glad you came in our lives Ishita."
His
simple words that convey his sentiment priceless to her over anything he could
have said. They are in love and she knows they both know it. They haven't yet
uttered the words that need to be said but she can feel his love for her in all
that he does for her, in those glances he casts her way, in those moments they
have been sharing lately more and more. She knows he knows what is in her heart
as well. She can't help but recall the night of Shagun' sangeet when they had been
so close, their whispered words and sweet nothings. She had been on the verge
of confessing her love for him too when Mani had dropped in and interrupted them.
At the moment, her friend bummed her out, but she thinks whatever happened,
happened for the best. Perhaps that might not have been an opportune moment for
them.
Her
arms around him hold him just as tight.
"Don't
worry Raman; we will take care of our son together."
"I
know..."
He
utters with a laugh as he finally loosens his grip on her enough to look at
her, but doesn't release her from his arms.
"I
know, I can count on you."
She
does not know what has her smiling back at him as she does know - whether it is
the sight of him smiling amidst tears, his faith in her or both. All she knows
is, she never wants the smile on his face to fade away, to waver in the
slightest.
It
is when he is wiping away the tears in his eyes by rubbing his palms over them
she cant help herself. She has to ask aloud the question that has been on her
mind since they set off from the court.
"Raman...I
need to ask you something."
"Hmm...go
ahead."
"Why
did you want mummyji to pick Adi and his belongings from Mihir' place. I mean
we could have done it ourselves too right?"
"Is
that the question you really wanna ask me Ishita?"
She
cannot help but feel the flush on her cheeks when he looks at her so, it's true
she didn't mean to ask him the question she just did and not only figured that
out, he called her out on it too.
She
looks away from him as she tries to get her thundering heartbeats under
control. Somehow the moment changing between them as she realizes how close
they are standing as she feels his breath on her face and finds herself unable
to move back and put any distance between them. His eyes playing havoc on her senses
that finally come to terms with the fact that hugged mere moments ago and this
time...it was not because Ruhi was looking on at them or they needed to put up a
show. For the first time in their seven
months of marriage, they hugged because they wanted too. The recollection of the feeling of being in
his arms, the warmth of him surrounding her has her longing for more already
though she cannot even meet his eyes blushing beetroot red at the memory of
their first real hug.
She
does not speak up but can feel his heated gaze on her that has color rising on
her cheeks and before she knows it, she is looking him in the eye, as he lifts her
chin with the gentlest of touches.
"Go
ahead Ishita, you can ask me anything."
"Why did we come here today?"
He
understands her question and the intention behind it as he smiles looking at
her as he later takes in their surroundings.
"I
needed to believe."
"Believe
in what?"
Taking
her hand in his, as his fingers caress the ring he put on just days ago he
replies to her without looking up,
"That
it's really possible, to start over...rebuild what's been lost or damaged."
As
his words sink in she understands why he needed to come back to this place so
badly, the memory of what transpired cannot be erased as the event itself but
they have not let it deter them. The fire that burned down their home damaged
as much as it could; but they have not let that event win over them. They are
rebuilding their home again. It is being put together again piece by piece, bit
by bit and in just a few days, they will be back here - where they belong.
She
releases her fingers from his grip only to hold his hand as she whispers.
"Of
course it is, everything is possible if you put your heart into it."
"I
know that now Ishita, I do...the part of me that had lost all hopes the day Adi
walked out I wanted to shut it up. It would not believe still what happened. It
would not let me believe I am about to have my family - all of it under one
roof at last."
"You
will have it again here, under this roof in this very place in just a few days."
"Not
again Ishita...at last."
When
she furrows her brows, his hands let go off hers as he stands impossibly close
to her, only to hold her face in his hands.
"What
I have with you is a family, a home; I never had it before...now that family is
about to be completed Ishita that's why I said not again but at last."
"Raman..."
That
is all she can say, all that escape her mouth as his words overwhelm her.
Her
eyes unable to look away from him; words seeming inconsequent, not enough in
the face of what he just said, what he just admitted too and gave her.
She
doesn't know who made the first move, who crossed that thin line that always
existed between them neither does she care in this moment. All she knows is in
this moment she has found love again in the arms of her husband, in the way he
holds her and in the way, her arms band around his neck as they kiss for the
first time ever.
She
has no idea, whose lips eliminated the distance between them, who was it - her or him - that decided to
capture the lips of the other by descending their own upon that of the other.
All she knows is in this moment they both can
feel the love they have for each other in the way their lips mate.
All
the feelings that have been unvoiced between them suddenly have found an outlet
as they pour their pent-up desires in the kiss that leaves them breathless and
stunned with its ferocity and passion.
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