[NOTE: Not Proof-Read please oblige the errors If any...]
Koi Jaane Na!
OS
"Chahe jo ho, jaisa ho, bass pyaar hona chahiye" -Chameli (Movie)
It were almost seven years then, that Shagun walked out of her marriage with him. The day was still engraved in his heart, his soul, because that was the same day when his son also drifted away from him, for forever. Only if he had, had a strong stand, he would have got his son back. It won't be wrong to name those lonely years of his life, despite of Ruhi, were nothing but dark, it was like a dark era of his life which had no reference, as to how he came to become, what he was now! Nor he gave it much of a thought; it was worthless to think about what he had already achieved, for only to go further, one must look forward for the opportunities, and not look back, gloating about how golden the past was. And he was the same man, he was the same person, who never gave a minuscule to think about what was past. And he was, until she entered his life. A slack-headed, always poking nose in others matter, giving lectures, like it was her fuel, and always taking wrong assumptions over people she met first and understood last! His south Indian neighbor, Doctor ... Err... Dentist Ishita Iyer!
Why she had to be his neighbor? Why she had to be his daughter's favorite? Why his daughter had to choose her above himself and Shagun? Why his father had to choose her for him and Ruhi? Why he had to agree to the settlement? Why he had to put the condition, the infamous, "Sirf Ruhi Ke Liye" clause? Why, why at all he had to go and do the forbidden! Why he had to again fall in the same ditch of scarlet feelings?
He knew better, the feelings, emotions and everything was again making him weak, leaving his heart bruised, yet again, he was standing on the same platform where Shagun left him and took her chance of rich and variant future with better than himself, Ashok. And now Ishita was going to leave him soon, and yet again with a better prospect than himself.
How he never wanted to feel like a reject again in his life, but here he was, a rejected one, a dejected one, standing alone, deep in thought about what he had overheard a few moments back. He had no right to object now, did he? After all, it was the truth, they had no relation except for "Ruhi Ke Liye..." but still she was his wife, and this was wrong, and then she said or rather accused him the other day, "Aap mujhpe Shaq... aap mujhpe Shaq kaise kar sakte hain?" he stood there yet again in the balcony of his apartment, his old apartment, where he lived with Shagun after their marriage. He knew that, that day she was hurt, but why was she deceiving him, with her sweet gestures, with care and concern, with her tears, that had ran down her cheeks when he called her to the park so that he can apologize, faking about his accident? Why can't she just spit it out, that she wants to walk out of this relationship, that actually, now seemed to have no future. Why at all she was putting up for it? Was it because of their daughter or his family that she liked? "Yes! That has to be, after all, what else can keep her in this relationship." He thought, when again his Apple iphone rang. He lost in thought, took it out and picked up the call, that said, "Home".
"Hmm..." Raman said.
"Raman, puttar, kahan hai tu beta? Sab parehsaan ho gaye hain... Mihir ko bhi nahi bataya... kahan chala gaya tu? Mai kuch nahi janti... jaldi se ghar aa ja... mera dill bohot ghabra raha hai..." Toshi ji said, from the other end of the line, in a little tensed voice.
"Nahi mummy, aaj mai bahar hi rahoonga... kuch kaam nikal aaya hai... kal aakar baat karunga... aap sab so jaiye.." he said in an hollow voice, like nothing was left in life.
"Theek hai... kuch kha zaroor lena..." Toshiji smiled and kept the receiver, while everyone asked about his whereabouts, to whom she solemnly answered and went to her room to sleep, but she knew her son, and she could read his face, his voice and even his breathing to know that he was tensed about something. His voice had a feel of dejection in it, just like it was when it all happened so many years ago. But the question was, "What was bothering him so much... that he didn't want to come home!"
***
Yes! He was a ruthless man, the one who does nothing but taunt her, get angry on her, rebuke her, who makes her think that all the time, about how un-special she was, how he felt nothing for her, how she never comes to his thought, how much he regrets marrying her, while, that guy, NagMani, always brings smile on her face, fills her mornings, evening with happiness, didn't she say that always, he thought. And so if today he heard what he was dreading for all these days, since that NaagMani came to his life, then why he was hurt, he knew already that Mani liked her, on many occasions he had seen him flirting with her, smiling at her, and even stealing glances at her, but he was hurt, and it was true, no question!
Why? Why at all? Was it because she said it this time, because she agreed with him? Was it fear that she too would leave him like Shagun once did? Was it only this fear this time or was their more to it? Even if there was, he didn't want to go there. In the darkness of his heart, where he seldom visits, he didn't want to know this secret, even if it was inside him and breathing and growing in leaps and bounds, he wanted to remain nonchalant about it, he wanted to ignore it, for may be this ignorance could give him some peace, but he somewhere deep down knew that all this were childish acts of running away from fear, only if he had enough courage to face it, he would have told her, to not leave him, because, he possibly can't live without seeing her ugly face in morning, nor without taunting her about her elephant figure, nor about how horrible she was in cooking, nor without watching her sleep in the couch in his room. Yes he craved for her, in a way that no one had ever craved, he craved for her anger, lectures and her pout and her stupid antics to make him do the work while taking help from their daughter. He was so used to it, how can he possibly think a life without her.
But then it sank in, the reality that he witnessed some time back, only if he could walk upto them and snatch her away, only if he had not seen the delight in her eyes, like he had come to want when she was with himself. Why was God playing with her? Why making him a goat for slaughter? Yes and why not, after all he had hurt many people in his way, to become what he is now.
He walked upto the small table that was kept near the door and picked up the bottle of sealed whiskey and snapped it open, and without bothering for water or soda or even a glass, drained down his throat, quite a few pegs, and then sat on one of the wooden chairs, and then again swirled the bottle and took few more gulps of the dark liquid, while tears, unknown to him streamed down his eyes. He felt dejected, and empty, more alone than he had felt when Shagun had left him, after all at that time he was more worried about their children but today, all he could think about was about himself, Ishita was all about him. He didn't wanted her to leave him, not for anyone, not for Ruhi, not for his family, not for her family, not even for him, he just wanted her, all for himself in these days. She was like a new hope, that life could be living worthy, that it can be enjoyed. Only if she wanted him too, liked him like he liked her. He took another gulp, whose sharpness now was dilated as more he drank. Though he felt like he was totally in senses, but his mind had stopped working, he felt light, while his heart swelled more with unknown emotions and then he suddenly kept the bottle to his side and closed his eyes, as again the haunting picture of her and him came to his sight, hugging, smiling and promising love. He pressed his eyes more tightly so the image could just wash away, but to his misery it didn't rather it became more clear and then, it felt like they were mocking her, her eyes looking at him with mock while Mani's with triumph, just like that of Ashok when he had finally snatched Shagun from him. And then he let out a stifled cry, a cry of dejection and helplessness and hurt.
It was then, that he heard faint footsteps, but he couldn't open his eyes, his lashes felt as heavy as lead, the hard floor didn't do good to him either, his back felt like a bow arc, he felt like it had frozen, but he didn't moved either to come in comfortable position rather he kept still, motionless, like a dead that he was from within.
The footsteps came near, almost behind him and halted, something shuffled and then he felt a cotton touching his back over his shirt, he could feel the tickle because of the rubbing of cotton on his back and he squirmed a little to angle himself in such a way that it's out of touch. He could deep down knew who it must be, not that he just knew it, but deep down he prayed it to be the person he just wanted at that time. But still his body, that was under the heavy intoxication couldn't follow the command of his heart, so he tried his mind, but it gave up. He knew he was heavily drunk; he had after all finished the whole whiskey bottle that night. Be it his previous life, pre that Jhansi Ki Rani, it would have been nothing uncommon, but since her, things changed, and drastically too.
He applying all his will-power turned straight on his back and screeched as the back pain sided a little and his bones felt alive, keeping his hands on head and pressing lightly, he murmured, "My head... it hurts... aah!"
While the he would hear the clinking of bangles as the person settled down on floor somewhere, he felt above his head and then he felt soft hands cradling his head and keeping them on her lap, instantly a floral scent entered his nostrils, he nuzzled his head in the lap while taking in that perfume that instantly made him feel home, he could smell care, fullness and surprisingly love and then he felt soft palms pressing his head, soothing his throbbing head and also agonized heart. A small smile crept on his lips and he held her legs with his hand, like assuring himself that she was really their.
The clinking of bangles were working miracles, like soft music it made him drift into the peaceful slumber after a night of tremors.
It was quite sometime after, that he woke up only to feel the softness still there, as he opened his eyes, he noticed that still the sun hasn't fully risen, all he could hear was the faint chirping of far-away birds. He tilted his head only to behold a sight that gave him tremors of pleasure and pain simultaneously.
Her untainted alabaster cheeks that still were adorned with the streaks of liquid pain, while on honey-luscious lips a bright smile was resting, like the most natural thing ever. However may he want to taste their sweetness, or feel her contours but he knew that would be most improbable thing to even consider in head.
He slowly made to sit, as slowly and without disturbing as he could, however on slight movement from his side made her to jolt upright, like she was just waiting for him to wake up. Was she really, now?' he thought. Was their relation that abrasively tainted that he couldn't consider to her to be talked to like two normal people do, especially when they are tied in a knot of permanency.
And then he stifled a laugh of hurt under his cough thinking, Why would she... after all she is already going to leave soon.' Thinking rationally, that was once the power weapon of his, now seemed to cease and all he could feel about himself was plain agony and jealousy of being a "No-One" in the life of the one who had come to become above everyone, for him.
He couldn't doubt her, she was not Shagun', said his rational mind; but his already bruised heart asked him to reconsider, What if...', and that was where everything halted, after all how could he again mistook to consider his fate that once treated him so harshly, his rational mind and bruised heart seemed to consider this and asked his vulnerable heart and soul to keep up the defensive mode, as only that could save him from the forthcoming biggest heart break ever.
He looked at her, her eyes widened and her semi-parted lips and her calm breathing. He couldn't mistake her eyes shining with unasked questions, her demeanor slightly scared under his variant scrutiny. He instantly turned his back towards her, not able to see hurt in those eyes, But hurt for what?' he questioned himself. Wasn't it to be me who should he hurt, who should be the only one to have that look upon his face, why was she reflecting his emotions, like she was under same condition all this while.'
"Tum yahan kyun aayi ho?" he asked in a morning voice, trying to sound unaffected and bore at the same time.
"Aap raat ko ghar nahi aaye... aapko pata hai sab kitna pareshaan ho gaye the... Ruhi bhi aapko miss kar rahi thi... aur mai..." her voice was teary, but he didn't let her complete as he cut her in between,
"Aur tumse sab pooch kar tumhe pareshaan kar rahe honge... I am sorry for the inconvenience."
"Raman, ye kaisi baatein kar rahe hain aap? Mai toh bass yehi keh rahi thi ke mai aapka intezaar kar rahi thi..." she said looking at him, hurt at the way he was talking.
"Ishita, please, how many times do I have to remind you that you don't have to act like a wife with me, you are just Ruhi's mother, can't you get this simple thing in your mind?" he stood up and went up and took the bottle of water that was kept on the table and drank all of it down, his throat was parched due to too much of alcohol.
"Aap aise kyu bol rahe ho Raman, kya ho gaya hai aapko...?"her voice was shaking as she was trying to stifle a sob.
He immediately turned towards her, hearing her teary voice, this was not that he expected, he was no one to her, and thus he considered her to feel nothing of his harshness and rather he thought that she would fight back, but tears. Why she had come down to tears recently, he couldn't understand. Why she doesn't fight back and say things that were often voiced by her in past, that didn't affect him much then but now to even reconsider them to think about would hurt the hell out of him. What was happening with her, with him? Nothing seemed right, everything was tangled with each other, nothing could be left nor could it be considered.
"Ishita..." he called out, for her so she stops sobbing, but opposite happened when she started sobbing loudly, giving up every thread that was till now holding her to the vulnerability that was swallowing her and suffocating her from within.
He held her upper arms to support her, as her legs gave away, her broken, fragile self was clung to him, and she was sobbing, letting out everything that had hurt her: his anger, his disdaining attitude, his abrasive insolence, his ways of hurting her, his neglect and his waving her off. While unknown to her, she was murmuring while sobbing uncontrollably, "kyun mujhse aise baat karte hain aap? Maine aisa kya kiya hai? Mai aapki wife banne ki koshishs nahi kar rahi Raman, I am your wife, even if you don't consider me as one, but I am your wife and you are my husband. What pleasure do you get by hurting me so rashly, never considering my feeling, why do you show me that I don't belong in your world in your life? Ke aapko meri zaroorat nahi, mai bass thop di gayi hoon aap par... kyun Raman kyun? Kyun mujhe itna dukh dete hain aap, ye jata kar ke mai aapke liye kuch nahi... kya mai sachh mein kuch nahi hoon? " she said and looked at him with widened eyes, waiting for him to respond to her the last question.
He looked at her big innocent eyes that were asking him questions, waiting to be answered, but the last were scaring him, he could read her abrasive emotions through her eyes, he couldn't say what was there on the tip of his tongue, a harsh reply perhaps, rather he kept quiet and let go of her arms and turned away from her, petulant of her questions, took a deep breath, and walked towards the room that still had the bed that one he used to share with Shagun, a place that was left abandoned when she left, and that haunted him for past six years, it was the same place where he used to come to seek inspiration and also to charge up to fight against his opponent, the villain of his perfect life, Ashok Khanna. While he entered while she just followed him silently waiting for his answer, wanting him to say something.
"This was the place I used to see Shagun chatting with Ashok Khanna on phone day and night, this was the same place where she snapped at me and threw divorce papers at my face and left me alone taking Aditya with her and leaving Ruhi in that cradle, she was six months old. I had an heart attack after that, but she never returned not for me not for Ruhi, never. But you know what, it all started with frequent lunch dates, then dinner dates, then casual home visits and gift and then one day, Ashok stole her from me. His better appearance, better position, better financial status and better romantic attitude, bereaved her from me." He looked at her, his eyes calm and demeanor composed, "You know Ishita, once I had a teacher, Mrs. Upreti, she used to use a phrase a lot that, world is round, and everything repeats itself, so it's better to be careful than to fall in the pit again.Life tests us by giving similar instances that has already happened in past, just to check whether we understood or not, whether we are going to take a right step or we are again going to fall."
He turned away and continued, "You act so well Ishita, but trust me, I have come to understand you, at least that much, to read between the lines. I know what you want... forgive me for being an insensitive fool, I have been such an selfish jerk, I never thought about you... I tried to restrain you from doing things that made you happy, I taunted you every time you did something good, I restrained you from getting together with the one who loves you and... you love him back... I am sorry, I should have known better, after all, how can and how long two people can live with each other on pretence of a happy family. Everyone has got right to choose, of his heart." And then he looked at her, her eyes voiced her confusion and he said to clear the air and to put the last nail, "... you are free to go... I free you from anything and everything... you are free to live...if that's what makes you happy then so be it." He then hurriedly turned away.
"Free to go... where? Where should I go Raman...?" she asked confused, her voice laced with fear.
"Now don't pretend... I know about it already. I have heard everything last night." He said, his voice was laced with undecided anguish.
"Raman...I... I don't understand..." she said but he cut her angrily and held her upper arms tightly, and so tightly that a hiss escaped from her lips.
"I said, NO NEED TO PRETEND Ishita!" he almost shouted.
While Ishita shivered at his sudden action, she was scared of him but also for him, she didn't know what actually his problem was. She was about to speak when he started without giving her any chance,
"You think I am a fool? I never say anything doesn't mean that I don't know... I have seen and heard everything. You know you could have told me that you like that Mani, I wouldn't have killed you or him. Now would I? but what's with this pretence?" he said, while her eyes widened in shock, she opened her mouth in defense but he continued, too enraged to be interrupted.
"It is easy for me, everything, especially wives going away with smart men, but that's okay, you know I already have an experience! But I know why are you pretending... but trust me, I would have not restrained you to meet Ruhi after the... separation." His heart cringed as he uttered the most fearing word.
"Raman!... what are you..." she didn't complete as he continued,
"It's okay, as now truth is out you can come out from this fake image. It's not your fault you know, to love him, After all I never even gave you a thought, and always misbehaved with you... I understand." He said with a mock in his tone.
"Stop this nonsense! Please! Stop it!" she shouted, while he looked up at her quite uninterested.
"What are you even saying Raman... and Mani! He is my friend, how can you even say that to me, and for him! You don't have an ounce of trust on me, do you?" Ishita asked hurt.
"Trust? You talk of trust? That's a news, because last time I remember, you never ever trusted me, did you? You even thought at one time that I was having a big time affair with that Shagun and then with that... what was her name... oh yes, Sanjana, supposedly Mihir's sister. Come on Ishita, don't talk of trust, that you don't have even an ounce on me." He said in mock tone and continued, "Pray tell me, what should you consider if I talked to my "best-friend" of opposite sex on your face, how would you feel when I must compare you to her every now and then, what would you feel if I must go with her on lunch dates or dinner dates every alternate day, what would you feel if I suddenly start confiding my personal married life in her? How would you feel if I start hiding things from you and then suddenly one day, you walk on me and her hugging and me saying to her those three magical words and on being asked to marry her, by her, what would you make out of it, if I answer, I would have married her if I already was not tied up to another, especially considering my child and family rather my spouse, that possibly seemed to have no importance at all my life?"
She was silent. For the first time she had nothing to say. It was so true... how can she accuse him of trust when the way she had been treating Mani in a way where anybody could have a wrong idea. Considering the fact, of how he placed it infront of her, if at all he had a friend like Lady Mani and he would have treated her in such a ay, she would have shattered. Why didn't she think of it before? Why didn't she consider his feelings? Was she so busy in Mani that she didn't once considered, about how he must feel, probably neglected all this while, while she was busy in her "best-Friend", the hurt must be so deep for him to voice it out in such a way. Hers would have been greater and ugly, had she been on his place.
She said suddenly, as if waking from a trance, "But... I love you Raman!" and then suddenly looked at him, embarrassed at being vocal of her feelings, and especially voicing out such a private emotion, that she had to tell him and make him believe that he was her love, and Mani was nothing but a friend.
While Raman looked at her in surprise and then shook his head and said, "Why Ishita, stop doing it again and again, I told you, I am okay... you can leave, please, all I want is that you should be happy, you have done a lot for me and Ruhi and this is the least I can do for you... Live your life."
"I am living my life, and that life is with you and Ruhi... why don't you understand Raman...?" she said pleading.
"Just go Ishita... I don't want your pity stay with me... and don't you think you say "I love you" quite frequently now... first to Mani and then to me?" his voice was laced with hurt.
At that weak point, she did only thing that came to her, she knew if the last straw was out, then nothing would be left in the relation where she had found love, how would she have make him believe that she was actually in love with him all this while, even before Mani entered their lives, even before Amma's accident happened. Would he believe if she tells him? Probably not!
So she thought to act Raavan for a change, she grabbed his face between her palms and bringing herself inches away from him, she kissed him on his surprised lips, it was however supposed to be a virgin kiss, but then she nibbled on his lower lips and everything else faded. After a few minutes she found themselves on the bed, the same bed which was shared by him and his first wife. She abruptly stood up, disgusted, and walked out to the living room.
While he was shocked by her action, What is she? Here I never got to say about my feelings and she just kissed me and left.' He stood up too and then noticed that where they were and on what and he understood her feelings, he followed her out.
"Are you okay?" he said, as he looked at her looking out of the window, the dawn was on its peak, a little alter and first rays would fill the sky with light and illuminate the world of darkness.
She didn't say, nor react, so he continued, "Ishita... are you sure you don't want to go to... him? I mean, look at him, you like him, praise him all day... and look at me, you have only complaints about me..." she could read hesitance in his voice and so she turned towards him and said, with a smile, while her voice was calm, "Raman, you love me... don't you?" he was surprised at her question, but he couldn't deny it any further, so he nodded, not knowing where this conversation was heading, "I have so many shortcomings, first and most importantly, I can never bear you a child, we could never have our symbol of love? No one, who would be our flesh and blood together. And still you love me, knowing this full well, don't you?" he again nodded, and she continued, "...and you know you have filled this void, you have given me Ruhi, my bundle of joy, and more than that, you have erased my dark part that used to haunt me when ever Bala Jiju's Amma would come infront of me, or when Subbu would flaunt his wife and son infront of me, all that doesn't matter, everything feels meaningless, his appearance, like it doesn't matter anymore. When I told you he's out of my system, you didn't believe me, but the truth is, that he is out of my life my thought and everything because now there is no place where his memories can find abode, everything has been replaced by you, your thoughts, our memories, your taunts and care and silent love and loud anguish. Raman, I love you... I was not supposed to, but I fell in this pit again, and worst thing is I don't regret rather I regret my first fall but this one, I so love it... and I would have cherished it even if you hadn't thought alike." She said and looked at him. She was calm and her eyes reflected what her words meant. It was a clear message of confession.
He after a while snapped his eyes from hers and clearing his throat said, "I don't understand..." while Ishita looked at him questionably and confused, "... from where you learnt kissing?" he said with a frown.
She giggled at his morbid ideas and said, "Well was it that good? Considering it was my first... well you see I am a good experimenter."
"What else you have on mind to experiment? Perhaps I can assist?" he said with a sheepish grin.
She playfully slapped his shoulder, while her cheeks went scarlet at his silent indication.
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Life is like that, people seek many things from it, love being the foremost, but then they get confused about whom should they consider and whom should they leave, however, its only when they really fall in love with someone, without considering the right and wrong of it, only then they can feel the power and pull towards a life filled with nothing but love, because to love is considering the other without expectations of any kind, one loves everything about the other, even his vices, that's love.
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Okay guys...
Hope you liked it.
I was watching Chameli and was touched with this dialogue... couldn't help but consider it in my OS.
Please comment to tell how you found it...
Edited by OfTheHeart - 9 years ago
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