I knew that she was here..i knew she would come to me before our final talaaq... i could feel her eyes on me..i could feel her crying..i could feel her moving in "our room"... i knew that she wanted to hug me.. i knew that she wanted to climb onto the bed n sleep with me..i knew that she wanted me to kiss her...as much as i wanted to do the same thng..i just couldnt move... all those painstaking memories of police hitting me n mom.. dad dying in my arms came rushing into my mind... i wanted to scream at her and push her away whn she came n sat down on the bed n covered with my blanket ... but i couldnt...y? Because i still love her...after everythng ..after what she did to me n my family..i still love her... y?y did i still love her soo much??y couldnt i just scream at her or push her away?? Y did the "talaaq" moment hurt me soo much??y do her tears still effect me?? Y do i still worry about her?? Y am i not able to sleep soundly without her??y?y?y? Y am i not able to throw her out of my life?? Y?y?y?..
I could feel her eyes on me..looking at me as lovingly as ever... i felt her lips on my forhead...i guess this was our last kiss...as much as i wanted to pull her down into my arms..i just couldnt..i was numb ... i couldnt beleive that she sneaked into our room so late... i knew if i opened my eyes i would scream at her..i just pretended to sleep..i wanted to knw wht she spoke to the sleeping form of me..but y didn't she utter a single word??what was she doing??wait.. is she planning to kill me?? No,idiot.. ofcourse she wont kill u.. havent u seen the hurt in her eyes whn u gave divorce to her?? She cant stay away from u...suddenly i felt her gng..i wanted to get up n stop her from going... i wanted her to stay..i wanted to her to stay with me... i wanted to have a family with her...i wanted to start over again..but i couldnt..i just lay there lifeless ...n i knew that she was GONE.. yes had gone...n i just lay there ..too numb to react...too numb to get up n see y had she come..i just rolled over to her side of bed... hugged her pillow n slept...
"Mera sarr itna dard kyun kar raha hai?"...i got up at 7 in the morning..my head was spinning..y??ohh ofcourse due to the excessive crying last time...yes Men Do Cry...even they have emotions... They may not be emotional fools but yes they do cry... n yes..i did cry last nyt...for who?? Well ofcourse for my wife... i wanted to get her out of my head.. but... i got up from my bed n headed towards my wardrobe..i opened wardrobe...just my clothes.. they were no colorful heavy anarkalis anymore...i took out a black suit,white shirt... i wanted a red tie but i couldnt find it...
"Aali"... i turned towards my wardrobe n pulled out all my clothes to search for that stupid tie... ofcourse .. if aaliya was here she would have given it to me in two minutes.. but she wasnt there now was she?? I finally found my red tie turned to go to take a shower... i noticed a white paper kept on my sidetable...the moment i saw that paper i knew that it was aaliya's letter...she must have kept it last night..
"I dont want to read it".. i said to myself n went inside to take a shower...after a hot showe i came outside only to see that white paper smiling victoriously at me...y cant i just stop thinking about her?? Y??i took the letter in my hands...as much i as i wanted to tear it into peices..i couldnt do it.. i wanted to knw what made her sneak into my room soo late in the night?? So i took a deep breath n started reading her letter...
Mei Yeh ab aur nahi sehsakti... talaaq ke naam se meri rooh kaapne lagti hai... aaj tum mujhe teesra talaaq doge.. par mei hamare rishte ko kyun toot ta nahi dekhsakti.. aur na tumhe mujhe talaaq dene se rok sakti hoon... hamara rishta aise khatam nahi hosakta... ek dib aayega jab tumhe puri sachai pata chalegi..par tab bahut der hojaayegi...kyunki jab mei tumhare paas nahi rahungi... zain tum meri pehli aur aakhri mohabbat ho..tumhare siva mei kise aur ke baare mei soch bhi nahi sakti... mujhe tumse alag hone se khauf aata hai... mei nahi jaanti ki yeh hamare saath kyun huwa?? Hum toh ek doosre se beintehaa mohabbat karte the nuh?? Phir yeh beintehaa nafrat kyun?? Kyun tum mujhse itni door chale gayye?? Mei jaanti hoon yeh khat(letter) padhke tumhe gussa aayega.. mei jaanti hoon mere jaane se tumhe koi farak nahi padhta... par hamare talaaq ko rokne ka aur koi tareeka nahi hai zain... mei dua karungi ki tum jahaan raho khush raho... mei tumhe apne siva kisi aur ke saath tassavur(imagine) bhi nahi karsakti..par dua karti hoon ki tum jisse nikaah karoge woh tum khush rakhegi... ek baat hamesha yaad rakhna zain..yeh maamu ki bhanji sirf mamu ke bete ki hai.. aur isse uska yeh haq koi nahi cheen sakta..tum bhi nahi...apna khayal rakhna.. i luv u Zain
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I couldnt believe it...she cant leave...
"Woh aise nahi jaasakti..." i took the car keys n rushed to stop her from going...i dont y but i had to stop her... she couldnt go lyk that... i had tears in my eyes..."aaliya tum aise nahi jaasakti"...i drore faster...i was giving her divorce .we would obviously not live together anymore but ... i wanted her to stay..i just wanted her to stay...i reached The railway station..i searched all the compartments..i checked all the platforms...but she was no where no to be found...
Ye dil tanha kyun rahe
Kyun hum tukdon mein jiye
Ye dil tanha kyun rahe
Kyun hum tukdon mein jiyein
Kyun rooh meri ye sahe
Main adhoora jee raha hoon
Hardum ye keh raha hoon
Mujhe teri zaroorat hai
Mujhe teri Zaroorat hai..
I came back to my car...my head was spinning..my eyes red... n i was luking arnd to see if she was still there..but ghe wasnt..i drove harshly to the beach...i went near the sea n sat down...i luked above at the sky which was smiling at my helplessness...there was a sudden gush of memories..i luked arnd the beach n remembered our first date...she luked beautiful that day.. she was happy .. thn i remembered that day whn she had been searching for me..that kiss... those promises..i couldnt take it anymore...i drove back to home...
Andheron se tha mera rishta bada
Tune hi ujaalon se waaqif kiya
Ab lauta main hoon inn andheron mein phir
Toh paaya hai khud ko begaana yahaan
Tanhaayi bhi mujhse khafaa ho gayi
Banjaron ne bhi thukra diya
Main adhoora jee raha hoon
Khud par hi ik sazaa hoon
Mujhe teri zaroorat hai
Mujhe teri zaroorat hai...
I came back home..it was dark... barkat villa had lost its charm ...it was never the same after dad died and after aaliya left..."Allahrakha sab kahaan hai"?..i asked allahrakha...
"Bhaiyya sab log bahar gayye hai..aap theek hai nuh..aap ke liye kuch leke aao?"..he asked..concerned..he was the only one who was concerned abt me after aaliya... "Nahi"..i said n i went to my room...i wanted to throw everything..i wanted to scream..i wanted to kill somebody...there was soo much anger n pain inside me...i couldnt take it anymore..i dropped my blazer onto the floor... walked towards the sidetable where she had kept her jewellery while leaving..i took it in my hands..n sat down on the bed...i clutched that peice in my hand n slept...
Hmm.. tere jism ki woh khushbuein
Ab bhi inn saanson mein zinda hai
Mujhe ho rahi inse ghutan
Mere gale ka ye phanda hai
Aaa..
The next day..i went into the kitchen to getmyself water.. n i remembered our bet...she made me dance in front of mom..n i made her kiss me...i smiled..thn reality hit me...dhe was not here..we would never have those amazingly stupid bets... she wont ever kiss me ...
There was a lump in my throat..i took water n went back to my room... i heard sana arub playing near the pool...all those swimning pool memories came rushing into my mind...i remembered her blushing while seeing me half naked..her hesitation to look at me in that condition...her hands trembling while making me wear my bathrobe.. i couldnt take it anymore...i rushed back to my room...
Ho.. tere choodiyon ki woh khanak
Yaadon ke kamre mein goonje hai
Sunkar isey aata hai yaad
Haathon mein mere zanjeerin hain
Tuhi aake inko nikaal zaraa
Kar mujhe yahaan se rihaa
Main adhoora jee raha hoon
Ye sadaayein de rahaa hoon
I went back to my room...i saw the Quran on the table...all those memories of her teaching me how to do wudu...making me teach how to read quran and how to read namaz... she was the one who taught me all the basics of our religion ...this is it..i couldnt take it anymore...i threw all the books and frames lying on my table...i kicked the couch..i took the vase that was kept on the table n threw it ...i punched the mirror..my hand was bleeding...i had tears in my eyes...my blood was boiling..i got down on my knees n luking at the ceiling..."Aaaliya"...i screamed...
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6years...i still dont knw where she is..how she is?? Did she get married?? Ofcourse not..she cant...we still arent divorced...mom has shown me 1000 pics of girls n tells me to get married ASAP...but it was always her...n it'll always be her..no matter what...i'll always love her...i've searched everywhere..but i couldnt find her anywhere..maybe i'll find her in lucknow??anyway i'm going to lucknow for a meeting...
I started packing ny stuff..b asual i couldnt find my tie...how i wish she was here...i'll always need her...
Mujhe teri zaroorat hai
Mujhe teri zaroorat hai
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