Okay, so im not at all satisfied with this, i had wanted to write something, i started with something, and as i kept writing and by the end of it, it turned something else Altogether! I am going to write another one soon, way better, properly situated hopefully.
PS: Ive always wanted Ishita to breakdown in front of Raman so he know s of her pain, and thats some what what i tried doing here. Bear with this one please 😳
AND ITS LOOONGGG. 😆
Night Whispers & the Ashes
I know she is in pain. I know she doesn't deserve this. Hell I even know she needs me right now. But... but what do I do? Am I in the position to comfort her? I've never done that before, but nor can I be this insensitive.
The past 6 years had changed a lot in him, maybe even more than a lot, but he knew that it did not mean that he had to become this insensitive, blocking way to his heart and hurting someone who had always, knowingly or unknowingly, at times with a hard face and at times soft, had helped him. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He was so involved
and drowned upon in his own pain, trying to overcome and overshadow it by
wearing a hard exterior, and making his so called EGO bigger than anything else
in life, that he had forgotten how much he was hurting the people around him.
Ishita, being one of them.
He peaked into the room, the door wasn't fully closed, and before he would full-fledgedly open it, he decided to peak in and see if Ishita was asleep. It was 1 am and he had avoided her all day, and well, the whole night. He knew she was sad but he didn't know what he could do about it. He had never been in that position before... and especially with Ishita, he was still unsure of how to deal with situations... concerning they still didn't share an absolutely cordial relationship. Even though she tried... she had always tried and he could swear at that, but he... he had always blocked her out. At times mocking her, taunting her to stop interfering in his life, and that he knows what he's doing with his family and his children. But he had his own reasons for this behavior. He would reason with himself as to WHY he'd do all that. He didn't want anyone to know that he could loose. Didn't want anyone to know he was scared. Didn't want anyone to know he wasn't strong as he supposedly outwardly exposed to be. And when it came to Ishita, he had tried to keep her away from himself as was possible, he had avoided to show Ishita the real Raman, and what caught him off guard each time... what scared and surprised him more each time was, even after blocking her, keeping her away from him, being cold and indifferent, at times rude, she'd still see through him. She was still GROWING on him.
No! He couldn't let that happen. He wouldn't. But wait. It had already happened. How could he stop it NOW?
He had expected to see a sleeping Ishita, but the sight he saw in front of him caught him off-guard. He saw her sitting on the bed, hugging her knees close to her chest like she was extremely cold, and crying. Silently crying. Uncontrollable crying. He could see she was trying hard to not let anyone hear she was crying, absorbing the hiccups and sounds. Her eyes shut tight.
Something moved within him as soon as he saw her. There was a slight tug at his heart; his stomach twisted and did a deep somersault that would happen when you're extremely scared. He couldn't see her like that. He couldn't. It was ISHITA. Whom he fondly (teasingly) called Jhansi Ki Rani. She, perhaps was the strongest woman he knew, which had actually made his taunts to her easier. The sight he saw took him aback. He did not like it he decided. Not at all.
He immediately entered the room and he was sitting right in front of her in a jiffy, with his hand on her shoulder.
"Ishita!?" He saw her
quickly shifting, haphazardly wiping her tears roughly with her hands like she
was caught doing a crime. All she thought of was, I couldn't cry in front of him. I shouldn't.
She tried shifting, but his grip on her shoulder only tightened. She couldn't
look him in the eye. And he was intently gazing at her, his forehead had tensed
lines, his brows a bit scrunched up. He was worried. Very worried for her.
She closed her eyes, and opened them in less than a second and looked up at him, smiling.
"Raman?" she was still smiling. "Actually, sone se pehle Ruhi kept asking about you, aap kahan thay? Khana toh aapne khaalia hoga, main zara usko check kar kar aati hu" She said while getting up, in a hope to avoid having THE CONVERSATION' that she knew WAS coming. She didn't. She wouldn't. She knew if ANYONE would talk to her right now, try getting stuff out, all she would do was cry, and maybe actually open her heart out to them. She didn't want to do that. She couldn't. Not in front of Raman atleast.
As she tried getting up, she saw his other hand also come up and now he held both her shoulders with his hands, forcing her to sit. He noticed that the tears were still on a roll. Every tear broke something inside of him and he didn't realize, he couldn't interpret what exactly this was. All he knew was he had to know what was bothering his wife, and he had to make it right, he had to stop her from breaking, he had to stop her from crying.
He took a deep sigh. "Ishita, listen..." She closed her eyes tight, and didn't let him finish. She opened them immediately saying, "Raman. Please. Not now" Stressing on the please'. "Ishita. Just sit here and listen to me, im not gonna ask you any questions right now, okay?"
She nodded. The tears were still flowing, but not as fast as they were a minute ago. Progress. He noticed.
He started. "I know whatever happened since yesterday, the turn of events, it was a bit overwhelming... everything. I know the pregnancy news, the reactions... My reaction..." He paused. Closed his eyes for a second, opened them and continued... "My reaction... it wasn't genuine Ishita. I never intended to doubt you... or say anything like that to you, maybe the words I used at that time as I was irritated were wrong, but I didn't mean them that way, and I know you know that, I even know that you're not crying because of what I told you yesterday, but because of what happened today and what you had to go through since morning. Then that irritating woman in your family, I don't know what her problem is and how your Akka deals with her, but..."
He was having difficulty framing his sentences, but thankfully, Ishita cut him off.
"I won't lie to you Raman. But you know, when the doctor said that I was probably expecting, everyone was shocked, thought the doctor had gone mad and was probably a misunderstanding, but... but I became very happy. I know its so stupid of me because" she gave a mocking laughter "because me and my husband let alone share the bed, are not even on proper talking terms with each other. I've never been touched by a man and I still didn't think of all of that. I was just happy. I don't know what happened to me that I didn't even think of being untouched, being unable to conceive. I just wanted it to be true. Any way ever, but just be true. Do you believe, that in that one minute, when I heard the news, I even thanked God?" She said smiling as the tears started flowing in full force. "But then, Mummy jii told the doctor the HARSH reality of my life, and realization dawned upon me... I can't be a mother I cant be a mother, I CAN'T be a mother" She was crying uncontrollably now. "WHY does everyone have to keep repeating it, Raman? I know I cant be a mother, im living with it, why repeat it each time? I so desperately want to be a mother Raman, that even after that I still kept hoping that this would be a miracle. I was completely out of my mind, thinking about nothing... I was being so stupid and irrational, and then when I got a complete check-up and even though it was so obvious that the result would be ANY disease but pregnancy, I still became sad. My heart sank, I don't know WHERE and HOW that hope in me existed... but only after seeing the reports did I realize I still DID hope for a miracle? Even when ive never ever been touched? I know I was sad and didn't tend to you or Ruhi properly, but then what Jeeju's mom did, it just..." She started crying loudly now, covering her face with her hands, and automatically, without wasting a second, Raman brought her close to himself and hugged her. Her hands still on her face, deep in his neck, resting a bit on his shoulder. Raman tightly hugged her, one hand of his in her hair and the other supporting her firmly on the waist... rubbing it, soothing and comforting her. He didn't realize that he was crying with her now. He hadn't realized till one tear trickled down and dropped on his own hand.
Her cries were loud now and he couldn't even properly shush her, he wanted to take all her pain away, and he didn't even know that he was silently praying for her right in that moment.
Ishita was still crying, and slowly, he moved his hands and and caught hold of her face, making him look at her. He cupped her cheeks and his tensed, worry-stricken face and eyes were now talking to her. Silently pleading her to not think about all this. Its all worthless they told her. She need not cry because of people that don't mean a thing in her life.
She looked at him and shook her head negatively, still crying.
"Ishita please..." This time he pleaded verbally, aloud. She hugged him this time. Tight. Really tight. Like her life depended on him. And now she spoke. "Im tired Raman. Ive always taken everything of this sort dawned upon myself in positive stride. Everytime Amma would get sad, worried, but I wouldn't I never cursed my fate before today, I don't know if I ever really loved Subbu, but I can swear that what I shared with him was sincere, and I will cherish it forever. He was the first guy in my life and the last one before I got married, I have never ever thought of anyone in that way in my life except him, but I had no regrets when he left me, and I got married to you, got myself Ruhi, I never even thought of him. Ruhi meant and means more than anything else to me, but Aunty..."
She broke the hug and
looked at him, with blaming eyes. "Aunty, in front of you, in front of Subbu,
his wife... everyone kept repeating how I' loved Subbu and he left me for the better'
because I couldn't be a mom..."
"Ishita, I wasn't there, Yes, I heard her say you loved Subbu, but I got a call
from Mihir and I left the place, trust me, had I heard any shit of that sort
from her mouth, I'd have given her a piece of my mind! Its only after I came
home did Romy and Rinky tell me what happened and how you left the party. I didn't
know. And I know because of the whole pregnancy issue ive been avoiding you all
day... its... its because I was just ashamed Ishita, to have talked to you rudely...
again. You have got to realize that it is very difficult for me. VERY. But.."
He held her hand. "I promise im going to try, I know we aren't like normal
husband wife, we don't love each other, but I promise to be there when you need
me. You've given me Ruhi, my family, my business, I owe you a lot, I know, but
its just that im also scared..."
Ishita was intently looking at him now. Very innocently, she couldn't believe not just her but Raman was also speaking his heart out, and he didn't forget anything, he instead remembered and acknowledged every little thing Ishita had done for him. They were actually opening up. She, for the first time saw his sensitive side for anyone other than Ruhi, and she was thankful to God.
Ishita just smiled and nodded to him, like putting a subtle end to the conversation and was about to get up when he said "By the way... did you say that you never loved Subbu?" She scrunched her brows, bringing lines on her forehead, and trying to suppress her smile said... "I said I don't know if I ever really loved Subbu, Raman... but how does that even matter?" she asked, amused & confused.
He suddenly realized the stupidity of his question and after so many revelations and stuff all he asked at the end was if she ever loved Subbu, and he asked it out loud. Feeling like a fool, he brushed his hand through his hair and quckly got up "what? No. I mean... nothing. I'll go change now" he said like a teenager caught doing something wrong.
She looked at him retreating from the cupboard and back, and then taking a u-turn to go to the washroom. She made that amused yet confused face again scrunching the eyebrow, and then a faint giggle was heard on her side.
Things were definitely changing between Mr & Mrs Bhalla.
NOT proof-read, sorry 😳 and i know this is stupid and disappointing, comments are welcome :)
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