Mahabharat review

I have a friend who likes to roam around mofussil India and pick up the strangest local films. He's gifted me a few and there's one I'm particularly fond of. It's called 'Bachon ki Sholay' starring Mohit Singh Puriya as Basanti. Mohit is barely two feet, wears a long choti with gajra and every time he comes face-to-face with Veeru, he crinkles his nose and starts dissing the dil-phaink ashik, in Haryanvi.

In 'Bachon ki Sholay' the kids wear oversized clothes, nakli moonch and arrive on small-small, colourful scooties and cycles. Gabbar Singh, who is shorter than Basanti and cuter, has on his head what looks like two really frazzled crows and is taken to raid the gaon on a baby gadha. He has to be kept balanced on the gadha by Kaliya, Sambha and other tingu-tingu dakus.

Mostly the film sticks to the original story, but sometimes it makes interesting deviations, in dialogue and songs. The tanki scene with Veeru is fabulous.

The new 'Mahabharat' (Star Plus) is quite like 'Bachon ki Sholay'. Here too all the digaj-digaj maharathis have been miniaturised. Young boys and girls play larger-than-life characters, but unlike Sholay ke bache, these guys take themselves very seriously despite the fact that neither the characters sit easy on them, nor the dialogue. All this is made worse by the writers who have sucked out all the greyness from all characters. Everybody gets to justify their bad-bad behaviour and some are even given a song or two. All this is done without even a mild smattering of humour.

The show is so badly directed. Shakuni, who is supposed to have one eye closed and a limp, keeps both his eyes open and walks straight. And then suddenly, in the middle of a scene, he remembers and closes one eye and starts to limp.

Now if this show had taken a clue or two from either 'Bachon ki Sholay' or that skit in 'Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron', then it would have been somewhat bearable.

So in the middle of a scene with Shakuni, we would have heard the director screaming, "Abe Dhritrashtra, Shakuni ko bol ek aankh band kare."

"Shaks," Dhritu, who has boobies larger than wife Gandhari's, would have said and started winking.

Shakuni would have noticed and immediately closed the right eye.

Director, now loudly, "Abe right nahin, left."

Shakuni's right eye opens, left closes.

Again, the director: "Abe limp, limp kar, limp."

Shakuni opens left eye and starts limping. Director is heard screaming.

The best would have been the scene where Kunti gets this strange vardan from a rishi-muni " that she can summon any God, any devta, and just by making him prakat, she will get preggers.

Kunti: "Dude, yeh vardan nahin shrap hai, shrap."
Rishi-Muni: "K, I haven't decided that. Ved did."
Kunti: "Who the hell is Ved! Has he lost it? I'm so not having a child without making out."
Rishi-Muni: "You can't make out with Surya."
Kunti: "Why? Is he very old?"
Rishi-Muni: "Nahin yaar, he's hot."
Kunti: "Hain, really! Kon hai, kon hai? Who is playing Surya? Ronit Roy?"
Rishi-Muni: "Abe yaar, hot as in garam, as in you'll burn."

Suddenly the set would go yellow-yellow and this Sun fellow would arrive, stare at Kunti and boing! protruding stomach. Kunti would start howling, Surya would take out his nail-file, start filing his nails and yawning.

Kunti: "I didn't even like, touch you."
Surya: "Sorry ya. Vidhi ka vidhan."
Kunti: "Now who is this Vidhi?"
Surya: "Yaar, it's sex-free pregnancy. Also, no stretch-marks, no breast-feeding, and your hymen is safe and sound."

Kunti howling very loudly now, rushes home where her Papa senses something and starts to freak out. She rushes to her chamber where all her sakhis, frenemies, snigger and show mock concern. Next scene, Kunti has a child and decides that she's going to keep him, and call him Krrish.

Surya hears, arrives, AC stops working, and tries to take the child away. Kunti won't let go and grabs all of Krrish's used diapers and starts chucking them at Surya. A stink rises, Surya faints, Kunti's father rushes in, stares at Kunti for an explanation and she says, "I'm done. Now I'm going to just eat, love and not pray. These gods, you know, they are really evil." Krishna smiles.