FF:Broken Dreams( ArShi)Last Part & Epilogue Pg 42 - Page 5

Control yourself sweet heart..

When I saw Shyam Manohar Johal at Randhawa House, I should have disclosed everything.But I did not.I gave every reason to Arnav not to trust me. But, the thing is I was trapped in the situation. I never got the chance, however, that cannot be any excuse to hide such big thing.I was ready to take all his grudge and anger. I never expected him to love me with all his heart.From the very first night, I knew what he thought about me.

"I also have money,more than you could ever think, I am also a man, I will be able to satisfy you in every way, please don't show me this pathetic face.." ,..these were his words on our first night.Which meant that I entered into such business with Shyam, for his money ,to get that I won't even bother to sleep with him.I felt like vomiting that moment.

My family thought that everything got fine, both of the daughters got good husband, good family, big house.Everything was fine. Past was past.But, there was Shyam, to remind me about my past with him.There was Arnav who left no chance to taunt me about Shyam.One fine day, Manorama Mami went to Grewal house, there, in Buaji's almirah, she discovered some photo album, photos of my engagement with Shyam. It was enough, Manorama Mami created a big chaos.Family members got assembled, and then things got revealed how Shyam misrepresented about himself.

My sufferings got reduced for someday.Arnav didn't misbehave with me, he slept with me at the poolside, then I got place into his bed...within a month Subhadra Malik made an entry, gradually another aspect of our past got unveiled.Arnav Singh Randhawa was back to square one.He forgot everything, every moment he shared with me.

For the first problem, I accepted my responsibility , I was also at fault that I didn't reveal Shyam's deed to everyone.But this time I was not being able to understand that how I was responsible for his misery.Suddenly I recall my entire life, how I have been blamed all the time, if I compare between my family and Arnav, then Arnav's behaviour was quite justified. He didn't know me for long, he had every reason to treat me like a trash as he never became able to trust me.


I never heard about his parents, when Subhadra Malik told about the past, then I got to know.Then only I got to know about everything.The death of his parents, Anjalidi's misery, how things changed drastically. I felt bad. But I didn't question my mother about her alleged affair with Arnav's father.She was pleading like anything that Arnav's mother had only misconception, neither Arnav's father or she did anything wrong. She committed suicide in a heat of the moment.

Mother swore on Jijee and Baojee that she did nothing wrong.Evidently swearing upon me was not going to work as I was nobody to them.However, all her pray, pleadings went into some deaf ears.Mother folded her hands to Devyani Randhawa, she touched the feet of Subhadra Malik.Nothing helped. Baojee could not take the pressure, he got a cerebral attack, he lost his voice and his right side got totally paralysed. Jijee was subjected to regular thrashing of her mother-in-law.

In the bedroom, I was also being thrashed by my husband.But whenever I saw into his eyes, I couldn't match it with his attitude towards me.I knew he was getting equal pain while hurting me.Despite of not being guilty, I appologised to him on every single day.

I forgot to tell,Shyam left Randhawa House after getting exposed.However, this time my husband was on his full rage and wrath.I appologised to every single member of Randhawa family.Akashjee was with Jijee, that was my sole consolation.But I was all alone. As I always have been.

Meanwhile, Shyam came several times to meet Anjalidi, to convince her to stay with him in a different house. Anjalidi did not listen.

Everyday was a torture for me.I decided to keep safe distance, I started to give tutions again, I concentrated on my forthcoming exam, so that nobody has to see my face.In fact, I sometimes thought to die, but next moment I realised that nothing is going to change in the world if I die.Why should I die for those people to whom I mean nothing. I felt exhausted, I felt tired, helpless and terribly alone.

Sometimes, I looked at Nani, her daughter committed suicide, her grandson was victim of nervous break down and grand daughter was destroyed in every way. But she tolerated all. She didn't confine herself in some ashram like Subhadhra Malik, she didn't escape the challenges of life. She stood straight before every difficulty, took care of everyone. Seeing my misery, she tried to convince everyone that I should not be pushed to the extreme corner so that they would have to regret later.

"Arnavjee, I cannot understand that why everyone is blaming me, but if I am guilty ,can't you pardon me?It has been ages, if your grandmother wouldn't have come back, then you would never know about this thing, then you also would have lived with me like a normal husband..."..I could not complete..

"Nothing is normal, I forgot ages ago what is normal...you know what, you shouldn't have come to my life.I feel sorry that I fell in love with you, and married you.."..He said with tearful eyes.

"You married me because you thought I was having illicit connections with your brother-in-law..to save your sister's marriage..."...I said in a low tone..

"If that would have the reason, you think, you really thought that I had no other option than marrying you? What do you think that I could not have handled my brother-in-law so that he breaks all connections with you..?" ..Arnav said in a bitter tone..

"You should not love me then.."..I told him in a defeated voice.

"You are damn right..Khushwant, you are very much right..actually I got hints that I should not marry you, that is why I saw you with my brother-in-law, then and there every feelings about you should have been thrown away from my heart..."..Arnavjee said in a sobbing tone.

I don't know why I felt a deep pang of guilt that time.I should have opposed when he proposed me in front of everyone.Suddenly, everything flashed into my mind. Why didn't I oppose? Was it only for my Jijee?No..deep inside my mind, I also wanted to be with him, I thought things will be coming in order gradually. But ghosts of the past will haunt me like this, I never imagined in my wildest dream.But I did not give up.I tried to convince him with best of my efforts. Because he was being lost in his own insecurities.Several times, in several midnights, I got up suddenly, then I saw him crying, everyone was thinking that he was punishing me , but I thought, rather I knew that he was punishing himself only. In this way it was easier for me to tolerate all misbehaviours.

I did not leave Randhawa House, because of my disgust to my previous family. In worst situation also, I never gave a thought to go back to them, of course I used to visit to know Baojee's well beings.

Subhadra Malik ordered me to give back every ornaments I got in my marriage, I had no rights on them.I immediately returned everything.Nani witnessed everything, silently , she only said to Subhadra, "When your kids needed you the most, you escaped, now you are bringing the ghosts back, you are not only blaming this girl for the destruction of past, but also you are making preparations for the future destruction.."

Things got worse when Subhadra Malik called the jewellery shop owner, to test that whether all the ornaments were genuine or not. She apprehended that I had changed the original with the duplicate ornaments to secure my future, if any day they kicked me out, those assets will help me.Seeing that,Manorama Mami warned Jijee that she also can be subjected to this kind of encounter, if she dares to support me.

I had a fascination towards glittering clothes, a bit loud make up.May be that's why she thought that I have inclination to gold and diamonds also.She proudly informed Arnav that she had rescued the family jewellery from my greedy hands, and all ornaments were genuine yet. I didn't get chance to replace them.
I saw his colorless face.I still had hope that things will be alright.

I thought the bond between husband and wife will be much stronger than a bond between the adopted and adoptives.I kept my courage intact.I was barred to touch the idol of deity, I was barred to enter in kitchen.Arnavjee saw everything, he didn't speak a word.I prayed in my mind, "Say something Arnavjee, before it's too late.."

He never spoke a word.

I thought every time, that it is impossible for Arnavjee that he feels nothing.I was begging to him so much, I was tolerating so much, everything I did , that must have something in return. It was impossible that I get nothing in exchange of my feelings, that too from the man who already confessed his love for me.He was angry for a while, things will be alright. My feelings would definitely touch him, all I needed to be, a bit more patient.

I waited for him everyday, he didn't come.

Another disaster was yet to come.Anjalidi lost her child.Jijee and I got fully thrashed and humiliated.Mami stated loudly that it was our misdeeds for which Anjali paid heavily.Our sins was affecting this family.Akash Jijajee came for our rescue and stopped Mamijee.

However, Anjalidi came back from hospital, Shyam stayed with her in Randhawa House.Arnav was not talking to him at all.I was not allowed to meet Anjalidi.One night, I heard that Arnavjee was crying, that because of him , his sister was at this state.I could not take it any more. I went to him and said , " If you think that I am reason for all your misery, then why don't you leave me?"

Arnavjee turned to me and said "Yeah right..let's go..."

He dragged me to the hall and called everyone.

"Bhai, it's not the time, we will talk in morning.."..Jijajee said..

"Arnav..Puttar..itna gussa theek na hai..baat sun..so jaa..subah tera dimag thanda hoga..tab baat karenge"..Nani requested.

He listened to nobody.He said ,"You tell in front of everyone, what you want? One day you told my brother-in-law to leave my sister, now you are telling me to leave you..why? So that you can have fun with him?"

"Arnav..stop it..you are hitting below the belt.."..Shyam said firmly.

"Ouchh..I told her only, why you are getting emotional?"..Arnav said in an acidic tone.

" I know, like her mother, it's in her heredity to trap married men and destroy their home..bloody wh**e..."..Subhadra Malik said.

I had had enough..."Say another word and I will forget what is your relation with me.You are blaming my mother? If she is guilty, then your own son was also guilty.Men can force a woman to get into a relation with him, but women cannot..your own son was at fault if there was any illicit connection..first you judge your own heredity..."..I said loudly..and felt that I was caught by my throat.

It was my husband. His grip was getting tighter on my throat."You bitch, how dare you to talk to her like that?Because of you everything happened, my sister lost her child..do you know what does that mean.."..Arnav screamed.

I wanted to scream, but voice was not coming out.I just saw his eyes, full of hate, anger, wrath and helplessness.Jijajee was pulling him.."Bhai..chhod do usko..Bhaai...mar jaayegi Bhai...leave her..Bhai..yeh sahi nahi hai...Bhai. chhodo.."

Jijee was crying, Mami was shocked..Nani was begging with folded hands.. Subhadra Malik was also shocked..."Arnav..leave her..she will die Arnav..." ..Anjali rushed from her room and saw the scene..It was Akash Jijajee and Shyam who jointly pulled him out.I was almost senseless, my voice was choked.

Anjalidi slapped him tightly..she was crying like hell.

"Tujh pe bahut naaz tha mujhe, aaj sab kuchh khatam ho gaya Arnav...sab kuchh.."..It was said by Shyam Manohar Johal.

I cannot remember for how many hours I was senseless, when I got back to my sense I found myself at Nani's room.She was shedding silent tears.I was informed that he went out of the house.Slowly I came back to my room, and started to cry. I could not stop my tears.I felt ashamed. What will I tell to people?These things cannot be said, this is as shameful as incidents like rape, homicide, genocide, foeticide. How many cries, how much pain can be there in a victim's mind , I felt for the first time.I got up to pack my things, I could not stay there anymore..but I slipped..I saw blood beneath me..I thought I was menstruating ..I slipped and hit with the iron chair kept there..it hit my left collar bone.

When I opened my eyes in hospital , Jijee was crying, Nani was crying, Subhadra Malik was crying.Anjalidi was not there, she was already not well, Shyam was with her.Jijee told me later that Shyam came to my room , for appologising to me personally where he found me fallen like that.He only informed Jijee and the other family members.

Suddenly I remembered that I was menstruating, I asked, "Jijee..have you said the servants to clean the poolside..?"

"What?"..Jijee was astonished.

"Yeah..I was late, my period got delayed, I guess because of tension and stress..I missed one.."..I paused..Jijee was crying louder..so as Nani..Subhadra Malik was stood behind them.Doctor informed that I miscarried my 6 week's pregnancy.And my left collarbone was broken into 4 pieces.

I really didn't know how to react.I was clueless. I never thought that this could be a consequence too.Possibly, if they got to know about my pregnancy, they might have some mercy upon me, but what to do? I myself didn't know . What if I knew, then I would have told them to escape from their wrath? I still do not know the answer.

When I asked Jijee that why my husband was not there..I got to know that he was starving for 24 hours almost, I mean when he attacked me..then he went out of the house, stopped his car to buy alcohol, and he fainted there.Naturally, he is suffering from diabetes.Starving for 24 hours itself is a suicidal step. Heredity..like his mother, his biological mother..I smirked.

My parents wanted me to go back with them.They told me to speak loudly about my wish.But I was not getting my voice, I was choked, Doctor prescribed some medicine and told things will be alright , my voice will be normal, like before.

But I knew, nothing will be like before.Nothing will be normal.Being a Randhawa cost me a lot.

However, I got back to Randhawa House, Anjalidi declined to leave the house with Shyam Manohar Johal, Shyam left the house without Anjali saying that soon he will give her divorce.I was barred from many things. Now I gladly accepted them.What was imposed , now I chose them,when they were imposing they were relishing their success, when I chose those same things they could not digest it.

They said they will gladly accept what I want for the rest of our life.

But I do not want anything, anymore.