Part 4
Anjali's brooding
I lost everything in my life.I am insecured.Yes, I am, but you know what, I do not care what people think of me.
It's not easy to digest everything . What was my fault? My physical disability was my fault? What help I asked people for that? I walked on my own, I did everything on my own.What was people's problem?Yet, there was a great bargain for my marriage.They never thought how I felt.My parents betrayed me on my wedding day.My would be husband betrayed me on my wedding day. You know how it feels?
Then I saw my brother, in disbalanced state.He was not overcoming from the grief.Nobody knows what I went through that time.I was the one who spent sleepless nights when he used to scream in his dream.I used to hold his hand to calm him down.Many nights I just spent by sitting beside him,holding his hand so that he can sleep.
I never wanted to marry after that disaster.Then Shyam came and married me. Yes, he married me.He thought I was ready, Nani said ,"Forget everything, see this good fellow, he has come to make your life better..."
Forget what and why? He could make my life better, what did that mean?Everyone made an opinion that I needed a man to make my life better.Why every time I was to live on somebody else's mercy?Shyam married me to pay his share of gratitude towards my family.He continued to address me as Rani Sahiba after our marriage.People said so many things about him, every time one point came into focus , that I was a handicapped and my groom left me on my wedding day.Despite of all the bashing and criticism by people he stayed back.Once he was living on our charity, now I was living on his charity.You know how it feels ?
We were never equal. In life, people must be equal.Damn it, he was the son of our servant.Whose limit was bounded only to my door, I was sharing my bed with him.I am not telling that he was bad, but I couldn't digest that just because I had to go through that disaster, I was supposed to accept this.I am sure my groom who left me, he was not bound by any such obligation , he was not on anybody's mercy.Why? Breaking of a marriage should cause synonymous effect to everyone, in any case, he also failed to marry on his wedding day.I mean, why I had to accept anyone who will approach me just because of my situation? What was my fault?
Yes, I used my brother to keep my husband at a distance, but honestly I cared for my brother.I thought within a year my husband would leave me, I will be free.But no, he carried on.I am not blaming him, he was not at fault.9 years, I stayed with him.Human being has a tendency to feel for the person who despised him or her.What you could not get you fascinate about it.I was also fascinating about whom I lost.
Draupadi was blamed that she was partial to Arjun, she didn't love all her husbands equally. How could she love everyone equally? Arjun won her heart along with herself.But she was distributed among five brothers. Then also, she never got proper company of Arjun, Dharamraj sent him to exile for 12 long years, technically she never got the actual taste of Arjun.Both of them were undiscovered to each other for their entire life. Draupadi was not partial.She just loved that man who won her, irrespective of the fact that the man despised her too.
The groom despised me ,for him only I wore the attires of a bride.No chants were there, nor the rituals were performed, but I devoted my entire self to that man.To my Arjun.In my private moments with Shyam, I never utter a word of orgasm.Because I was feeling him as my Arjun, possibly I could have screamed and expressed my satisfaction by uttering his name.
I never used contraceptives, but still my body refused Shyam's sperm.Shyam still doubts me that all the years I did not conceive deliberately with the help of contraceptives.But, I swear,I didn't do any such thing.Can we say that a woman's body only accepts sperm only from the man she loves? If so, then no rape victim would ever got pregnant.Nevertheless I felt guilty about Shyam.
After some years, Shyam just slept with me for the sake of sleeping. But one fine night, he came in bedroom, and tasted blood on my lips.He was just 32, I was 30, now a days, people only gets married at this age.However, his love making was like never before this time.In earlier days, it was like a normal acceptable encounter between husband wife..but after 9 years of my marriage, my husband showed his true passion in bed.After 9 years, I screamed his name, while making love.
He was having an affair, he was satisfied, all his satisfaction resulted me that satisfaction.We had some cross talk when he told me that he wanted a simple love life, which I could not give him, he wanted an ordinary girl whom he will love, scold, spoil to the highest.I never became like that.I was knowing that Shyam was having an outside affair, but whenever he used to come to me, I never stopped him.Was it true that I was forgetting my Arjun?Was finally my body started to accept Shyam's love?
I still can't forget that night, when he didn't even bother to undress me fully and entered into me.I was panting ,gasping all the time,it was all of a sudden.Painful it was ,but nevertheless full of pleasure.
I saw visible marks of his nails and teeth on me.Very much prominent, like never before.The trace of his passion remained in me, he succeeded this time.I was pregnant.
Later I came to know about the entire thing.To conceal my frustration I came heavily upon Khushwant.Everything was going to be alright but she spoilt everything.My husband was going to marry her!But I must thank her, because of her, my husband got that wild that I got the real taste of his manhood.
My brother married her.It was clearly visible in his eyes that he was madly in love with her.Although he married her to save my married life.He became more harsh on her when he came know about the past.I left no chance to humiliate her.I lost my child.I was angry upon her, on my husband. I was not in my true sense.Actually I lost all my sense on that day when my Arjun left me.
I was taking all my anger upon the entire world, else how it was possible that I was humiliating that person whom my brother loved?But honestly, I took test of my brother that whether he would stand by her in every situation or not.He failed, vaguely.As a brother he was outstanding, but as a spouse he was pathetic.Whereas Payal proved to be brilliant spouse, but proved to be bad sister.Either way, Khushwant suffered.
They say I am at fault, I never loved Shyam or gave him due attention neither, that is why he was on wrong way.But what if there was a role reversal? What if Shyam would never loved or attended me?Then people would support me if I would have entered in a relation outside ?I am not justifying my actions, but I was loyal to my husband.Out of my own frustration I could have done anything. Then people would have just killed me saying me a s**t.Is a woman is bound to be satisfied with whatever she gets?Can't she have her own choice?If husband gives no attention, wife is supposed to wait for his kindness,if he becomes attentive then she must be grateful and obliged, if he does not, then she is not even entitled to complain.But in case of a role reversal, husband is the victim who did not get the due attention from his wife.
Practising polygamy by a woman is sin in society anyway, but when that polygamy was imposed upon Draupadi, she was bound by that.What if she wanted to have a relation with any person other than Pandavs? She would have been tagged as a s**t then.What is imposed that is scared, what you choose that is sin, when both are the same.That is my question.Who will decide the way to get satisfaction for any other person?Am I not entitled to choose my own way to get my satisfaction, be it material, spiritual or sexual?
I am seeing my own brother, definitely he had been depriving Khushwant from his physical love from the very beginning.His actions are justified because her mother is at fault.Now, when everyone has realised that Khushwant is not at fault, now they are showing their love.Possibly my brother is also keen to drag her into his bed.And now everyone is also thinking that Khushwant must give a chance to Arnav to prove his love.
However,counting others' fault will not cover my own fault.Yes I am at fault but I do not care what people think of me, I am just waiting for that day when he will come and appologise to me.He will say,"What I did to you was my sin..forgive me"..if prayers have any power, then he will have to come.He will come before the life ends.
Adhiraj,Adhiraj Rampal .Son of Harjeet Rampal, friend of the Malik, my father.Once I punish him, all my pain will be released.The scar on my soul will be removed.
But,it's true that I am answerable to Khushwant.Poor girl,her parents, her sister, her husband, everybody deprived her from what she truly deserved.
I know how it feels when one of your limbs are at fault.She is doing everything with one hand, without any help.I do not want to help her.You know why? I want her to pass this phase independently, if now she takes any help from Arnav, she will be bound with him and Arnav will dominate her.I want her to be that strong so that she can choose.I will be the happiest if she can afford to choose on her own, what I failed to do terribly at her age.
I never hated her, I could not.She could read me so well.Once she told me, "Don't do anything or don't do not do anything because you are angry with someone.You cannot be angry on him or her forever, but yes, your deeds will have a lifetime impact on you or your closed ones." How could she understand that I was angry on a particular person?Khushi, obviously you could read Arnav's mind too,then why didn't you give a try in your relation with Arnav?
But on the other hand, I want Arnav to get his love.Of course, he must earn it.It's his journey to his love, difficulties must be there, then only he will know its proper value.I am just creating that difficulty.It's high time that I leave my brother with his own life.Until and unless he is being freed from my responsibilities, he will not be able to move on. He must not feel guilty because of me.Our past affected my life to the highest.It must not affect Arnav.He will get his love, in this life only.
Edited by yakkudimag - 12 years ago
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