Floating South.
"Ragi da?"
Gigi looked all dressed up, in a pink dress and red shoes, and Onu wondered exactly where she was planning to go.
"Gigs, you going somewhere?"
She was holding Mr. Bear, the plush teddy Asha Aunty had given her two years ago. She always held on to him very tightly, never letting him go, and given a chance she would have gone to school with him too.
She looked more serene right now, more peaceful than any of them could have ever hoped to feel. This, despite the fact that she knew now her mother was ill. The gang had kept to their pact not to tell Gigi as long as they could, yet Gigi managed to figure it all out anyway - none of them could stick around and pretend anymore that the figure lying on the bed, taking deep, laboured breaths and waiting for her life to end, wasn't her mother.
But life seemed to go on: Gigi went to school, finished all the contents of her lunchbox, played with Mr. Bear - her favourite teddy - and showed no outward signs of grief. Whenever she returned home, she would sit at the foot of her mother's bed with Mrinalini and talk to her as if everything were normal.
At the end of each monologue, she'd tell her mother that she'd make Play-Doh pancakes whenever Mom would return, so Mom must return soon. At the end of each monologue, Mrinal would just hold on to her sister and cry bitterly. And poor, innocent Gigi did nothing but pat her sister's arm and tell her Mom would be just fine.
There's a part of me that doesn't want you to lose hope, Onu wanted to say, and there's that part of me, that wants to shake you violently for even trying.
"Ragi Da?"
It was Gigi, holding Mr. Bear as a mother would hold her newborn. Trust the cause for your stupor to be the one snapping you out of it.
"Hmm...yes, sweetheart...what were you saying? Sorry, I was thinking about something else."
She clutched Mr. Bear ever closer to her chest, her big black eyes widening as she searched his face for something besides the words he'd said.
"Can you take me to Battery Park today?"
"Today...you mean now?" She had just gotten out of her mother's room. It had been ages since any of them had really wandered that side: the sight of Ground Zero and the memories of what used to stand there still rankled.
Gigi said nothing. She smiled and held out her other hand, the one that wasn't holding Mr. Bear at all.
--
Standing here with Gigi, reliving their second meeting together, was almost painful for Onu to bear. How young they'd all been then, how sure of where they were and where they belonged.
Gargi Sengupta was folding her legs, one over the other, like a little lady and was prattling on about how she'd first met Mr. Bear. The sky was a vibrant, cloudless blue, and from a distance he could hear the faint humming of the rare Calliope hummingbird, flitting about in a glitter-green blur. Beyond, he could see the lake where he had once cruised over, the lake over which he'd sealed his dearest friendships in this country.
"Mom made me think she forgot my birthday," she said, stroking the bear's velvet skin softly, "only so that I'd get a surprise party from school."
Onu smiled. "My mom loved throwing us parties too."
"And at night when everyone had gone to sleep, she sneaked Mr. Bear into my room. He was lying on the bed with a big wide smile, and behind me Mom was saying, whenever it's dark and you're scared, Mr. Bear will be there for you, and you don't need to run to my room so often. You can hold Mr. Bear and it'll be as if I'm there with you."
And there are some things even Mr. Bear can't save you from, Onu sighed in the bright sunlight, for once finding it even more frightening than his room at night, because some things out there that are way, way scarier than darkness...
"Can we go to the lake?" Gigi asked.
"Sure." None of them could stand refusing her these days. It was as if they all wanted to make up for the mess her life would soon be...but at the end of it all, it felt like nothing. Absolutely nothing.
He felt like such a failure.
"Hold my hand."
This time two years ago, it was Mrinalini's hand that she'd held. Mrinalini's eyes that watched her carefully so that Gigi wouldn't get lost. It was through Gigi that Onu and Mrinalini became friends, through Mrinalini and Nupur that Gigi learned to trust him as much as she did, a level of trust he felt he didn't deserve.
Maybe it was fate that brought him here, kicking and screaming, because there was a bigger picture ahead. A bigger plan. A plan that included all of them, laced them intricately so that at times like this, they would turn to each other and draw comfort.
For the first time in forever, Onu felt almost grateful.
"Close your eyes, Ragi Da."
"What for?" he asked, surprised.
"'Cause I'm closing them too."
He closed his eyes. Felt the breeze, felt the momentary joy of holding hands with this little girl he'd grown to love, felt the things he wouldn't have cared to notice otherwise. The heady smell of the sunset hyssop. The chirrups of the swallows nearby. The warmth of Gigi's hand. He went...safe.
He felt loved.
Splash!
When he opened his eyes he saw Mr. Bear floating south of Hudson River, his big smile still pasted on his face.
Gigi looked on, her face a heart-shaped blank. For a split-second after, Onu thought his heart had stopped beating.
She knew.
--
Mishti,
She said just one thing.
She said, 'Goodbye, Mr. Bear.'
I've seen hearts break in so many ways, Mishti. I never thought this would be the worst of them. I cried all night. I cried for Mr. Bear...I cried for little Gigi, who's trying so hard to learn how to live without her mom...I cried for Asha Aunty, who will never know any of this.
I cried and cried and there are tears still left.
Motu.
P. S. I carried her back home. She looked so small and so frail. She looked like a broken eggshell, and I was more afraid to carry her than Robi was of holding Kuhu for the first time.
P. P. S. How I wish you were there with her...you would have known what to say. You know better than any of us how hard it is. There are times I look at both of them and wonder, what right do I have to save anything? My parents are alive and safe somewhere, and today you have no idea how grateful I am for that...
P. P. P. S. Nupur's been the best at comforting them. Even better than Jerry and me, sometimes. I guess they turn to her because she knows what they're going through right now...
P. P. P. P. S. Is it just me or is someone cutting onions in my bedroom?
Edited by Elizabeth Darcy - 13 years ago
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