Part III
Prateeksha was almost afraid to go to bed because she knew she had a hard night ahead of her.There were so many thoughts and emotions that she needed to examine and sort out before she could do anything. After wishing good night to her family, she finally came to her room, changed into her nightclothes, turned off the lights and settled down in her bed. The moment she closed her eyes, Shashank's stony face assailed her and his quietly spoken accusations burned her ears,
"Tumne mujhe kabhi kisi laayak samjha hi nahin " "bigda hua beta"'.... "kuch din tumahre saath man behla kar kisi aur ke peeche chala jayoonga" '"na-samajh" '."tumhari vinti kar kar ke thak gaya hoon"
Shashank's words then became mixed with her mother's:
" kaise soch liya ki tum mein koi kami hai'" "mantramugdh hue baghair nahi rah sakta" '"main tumhari apradhi hoon"
She felt she was ready to scream, the way her mind was replaying these words relentlessly. With a sudden movement, she threw off the covers, walked over to her closet and pulled out a red box from under her clothes. She brought it back over to her bed and sat down with her legs drawn under her and slowly, one by one, started to take things out of it. Payal, hankerchief, her picture and then finally, from the very bottom of the box, a smiling picture of her and her Sir. She was looking down at something and Shashank was smiling at her. She caressed his face with gentle fingers, smiling and crying at the same time. The overwhelming sense of loss that hit her then was like physical pain, she felt as though someone was sqeezing her heart.
Prateeksha was no stranger to this sensation, she had experienced it everytime that she had walked away from Shashank, but tonight the pain was specially vicious, stemmed as it did, from the knowledge that it was Shashank who had turned away from her.
This thought startled her'was this true? Had the knowledge that even though they were not together, Shashank had not moved on, still loved her, was still waiting for her, somehow, made the separation bearable? Prateeksha shook her head, as if trying to shake the thought out of her consciousness. But it was not to be. Deeply uncomfortable thoughts continued to tear through her mind'. Did Shashank's unwavering love, in the face of all obstacles, really, in a perverse sort of way, sustain her and gave her the strength to refuse him? Were all the earlier separations bearable because it was she who had sacrificed, for some reason or another, and Shashank had always refused to give up?
Why did she always choose other's happiness over the love of her life? Suhani's immature infatuation, Aziz's overstated sense of loyalty to the Rai's, Raunak's well-being '.why was it that she gave Raunak a pass on causing Suhani's accident, yet held Shashank and herself responsible for the tragedy? Weren't they all victims of fate and hadn't she at least made some amends by donating her kidney and blood to save Araina's life, whereas Raunak had been able to do nothing?
Was Maa right in saying that her desertion had had such an impact on her young mind that she had grown up with a sense of unworthiness'.a sense that had translated itself into a belief that she never could deserve Shashank's love 'that he was too handsome, too good-looking, successful, rich, so out of her league and that she was attractive to him only because he had not been able to attain her, and that once he did, he would tire of her and move on ? Aftr all she was Rabindra Sangeet, Telu Ram to him'.and was it this sense of unworthiness that had allowed her to continue her engagement with Prashant even after discovering him to be a greedy, cruel , vulgar lowlife?
Or was there some truth in Shashank's accusations '''
"Tumne mujhe kabhi kisi laayak hi nahin samjha'" '. "na-samajh, ameer baap ka bigda hua beta"
Prateeksha couldn't stop herself from physically flinching when these words replayed in her mind and this notion at least, she was able to dismiss right away, with a clear heart. It was true that initially her impression of Shashank was just that, but over time she had realised what a wonderful, caring, sensitive human being he was, with a heart of gold and sense of humour that made every minute spent with him priceless.That is when she had slowly but surely fallen in love. This chain of thought inevitably led her mind down the well-trodden path of those special memories that still had the power to make her heart race and face turn pink.
Taking a deep breath, she leaned back to rest her head against the wall and closed her eyes''.she was standing in the stormy night in the gazebo and Shashank's violent declaration "I love you Prateeksha" kept echoing over and over again''''.then she was at Suhani's sangeet rehearsal, hidden behind the door with his arms tight around her waist'..then his soft hands were caressing her face and his tear-laden voice saying "hum dono ek jaisi ghalti kyun karen? Kya itna hi kafi nahin ki hum mein se ek ko compromise karna pade'?
With well-practised ease, her mind led her to relive the only time she had confessed her love to him and the heart-felt expression of delight that had brought to his face'.the complete sense of belonging she had experienced with her head on his chest and his strong arms around her'.how right that first kiss had felt for those precious short moments'
In the past, this thought would inevitably lead her to the memory of that ill-fated last meeting on his wedding night and the ensuing nightmare would jolt her out of her reveries. But not today'today she was able to move forward to the memory of those passion-filled, heart stopping moments in the office bathroom when she had been unable to stop herself from wordlessly expressing her love to Shashank. Knowing that she was not really married to Raunak and owed him no fidelity, wrenching herself from Shashank's loving arms had been the hardest thing she had done in her life'.her thoughts jumped to the night they had spent together in the jungle'.how heart-breakingly lovely his words had sounded'"is akelepan mein jeene se achcha hai saari zindagi is hi pal tumhare saath jee loonga, wohi kafi hai mere liye':the endearing way he had forced her to drink water out of his hands'"
"''.aur aaj ke baad mein tumhari zindagi se hamesha ke liye door ho jayoonga. Lekin jaate jaate yeh zaroor kahoonga Prateeksha, I don't blame you, just try and be happy for yourself. One day you will find someone who you will love above all else, for whom you will be able to forget everything'..duniya ki koi taqat, koi mushkil tumko usse door nahin rakh payegi, ..too bad I am not that lucky person''.."
With a sudden movement she opened her eyes and sat up straight'..she couldn't let him believe that''''a kind of resolute look came over her face and she decided that even though she had hurt him immeasurably so many times and she was not sure if he could ever forgive her but she would sure as hell try and make it up to him for the rest of her life. If he would have her'.
To be continued...
Edited by vista90pro - 14 years ago
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