Posted:
Hello Everyone,
This is my first attempt to write my perception of Dr. Ashu's emotions on this forum... After today's heart-wrenching performance by MB Sir, I could not resist writing this... my thoughts just started to flow... So here it is!
Please don't mind my version as it is what I have perceived and I don't intend to offend anyone... But ya, if you like it, just hit the "Like" button! I appreciate your compliments...
Scene at the party:
I was laughing at a joke that Motu just had cracked... and for a moment I had forgotten the pain I was carrying in my heart... when I heard an unforgettable voice say my name from behind me...A voice I had gotten addicted to hearing first thing in the morning... a voice that sent a thousand volt jolt through my heart... a voice that was so pained and full of accusation... a voice of a woman I knew in my heart that I loved, but shouldn't and couldn't... Dr. Nidhi's voice...
I turned to see her standing in front of my eyes... her eyes burning with accusations... piercing my heart with all the hatred and the anguish and the pain that she was feeling for me... No, I am not hardstone... I can feel your pain... I can understand what pain my actions have caused you... but I am not strong enough to face those eyes that were once full of so much love for me, so much respect for me... I cannot see them now full of pain and anguish... I cannot see you in pain... I don't know how, I don't know why... but I just cant meet your gaze... For in my heart, I know I am your culprit...
And then she said to me that she wanted to ask me just one Q... She said she is aware it is not the right place or time for it, but then she said something that I wasn't prepared to hear... she said she wanted to ask me that Q today as she is not sure she will ever see me again in life... O Nidhi! why do u do this to me? The pain of the realization that I will probably never ever see you again is not something I am sure I can withstand...
She goes on asking me the one Q which I don't have a logical or satisfactory answer to myself... Or maybe I do, but I fear she will never accept or understand it... as she is just too stubborn and fearless... She will never understand my sacrifice for her own good... The pain of ripping my own heart out by giving her so much pain, so that she will be able to move on to a happy life instead of the painful path she would have to tread with me... But why am I saying this? Does this mean I had dreamt of treading this path with her? Does this mean I sacrificed something of my own for her? If I did sacrifice something, what was it? Was Mallika right? Am I doing this out of love for her? Do I love her? Am I in love with Dr. Nidhi Verma?
Her next question brought me back to my senses and out of my own continuing dilemma of what I actually am feeling for this woman...She asks me is it because she made mistakes?.. I think in my mind... No Nidhi no... you haven't done anything wrong... If you had, would I have myself asked you to come back to the hospital earlier if I thought you weren't a capable Doctor? How can you not understand that this cannot be even remotely close the reason... Do u not know me already to see past that?"
Then she asks me whether it is coz she tried to improve the lives of the orphans of the children ward... I regret thinking...Ofcourse not Nidhi... You know better than that... you know how much I adore the way you treat those children and give them so much love and care... Can't you remember those story telling sessions? Haven't I told you my most painful story of my past and shared the pain with you? Do you think I would dismiss you from the hospital for doing what no other doctor could've accomplished?
Then she asks me the most obvious reason which I feel she has taken to be true... that is it because Mallika hates her... I don't blame you Nidhi for believing that...I know she has made life hell for you at the hospital... and I know my relationship with Mallika isn't exactly something that can be easily understood... and I am sure from the outside she may seem to be the closest to my heart... but how do I convince you that noone else, ever has come even remotely close to touching my heart the way you have Dr. Nidhi... But have you really touched my heart? Can anyone ever make a place in my heart? Am I capable of loving anyone? Am I in love with Dr. Nidhi? Why do I feel the need to reason with all your accusations? Why is it important to me for you to know the truth?
I was again lost in the same whirlpool of questions when she began to speak again, and this time I didn't know what she would say, so my attention went back to her words...
And then she said something I wasn't prepared to hear, and yet I had been dying to hear it from her since a while now I guess... The one line that made me feel reassured that it was true.. But the one line that I feared the most... She started to say, "Ya phir isliye ki main aapse..." but then she stopped mid sentence out of realization of what she was about to say...Please Nidhi... Please say it, please... say it to me once and for all so it becomes a reality for both of us... But wait, what will I do once I hear it from you yourself? Am I ready to face what the repercussions are of this? Do I know what I feel for you myself? Do I want to know it?
Seemed like she herself realized the grandoisity of what she was about to confess... she just turned around and ran out of the room... her friend Anji looked at me as if waiting for the answer to her last Q and then ran off behind her...
I couldn't stand the pain of seeing her again... of not being able to give the answers to any of her Qs... And when Armaan asked me who she was, I din't know what to say to him... I thought of running away to avoid any confrontations coz I knew in my heart that I dint have these answers myself... or I din't want to know them...
As I walked out... I saw a sight that will haunt me for ever... There she was...So innocent and pure, so deeply hurt... crying ballistically on Anji's shoulders with so much pain... Oh God! I cannot stand this... should I go and hug her to take away all her pain? no, I can't do that... Oh God! I have never felt more helpless before... What can I do to make your pain go away? Its killing me from the inside to see you in such a bad state Nidhi... But why am I feeling her pain? why is it affecting me so much? Please Nidhi, please don't cry... Please don't feel so hurt.. and please forgive me if you can... Someone please help me take away her pain... Please Nidhi... Please don't be shattered like this... Please don't cry... Or I will never forgive myself.. I can never forgive myself for doing this to you... Please stop crying...
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