In Ahem's shoes

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ll-Shilpa-ll

@SIP1997

Sparkler

+ 7

Posted: 15 years ago

#11

I think marriage should be equal partnership, one should't try to dominate the other, I have at least two family members who dominate their husbands and I tell you its not a pretty.

In Ahem and Gopi's case, Ahem has a temper and Gopi is mild mannered (she is sweet, looks for good in everyone, EX: Urmi and Rashi). So Ahem needs to come down little on Gopi's level and Gopi needs to go up a little to Ahem's level, to balance each other out. Gopi should be soothing balm to Ahem's temper.

P S: It will take our culture long time to think like the western world

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-Nafisa-

@-Nafisa-

Stunner

+ 5

Posted: 15 years ago

#12

Originally posted by: sbp1971
I think marriage should be equal partnership, one should't try to dominate the other, I have at least two family members who dominate their husbands and I tell you its not a pretty.

In Ahem and Gopi's case, Ahem has a temper and Gopi is mild mannered (she is sweet, looks for good in everyone, EX: Urmi and Rashi). So Ahem needs to come down little on Gopi's level and Gopi needs to go up a little to Ahem's level, to balance each other out. Gopi should be soothing balm to Ahem's temper.

P S: It will take our culture long time to think like the western world

I agree Aham needs to calm down that impulse/characteristic of shouting and she needs to speak up when things are not right, it's all fine to be traditional and cultured but when it makes you into a Gopi we can all see this is wrong.

Culture and tradition are good, we have so much to teach the western world too, nearly as much as they teach us, but I don't go for a husband or wife raising their voice or disregarding the others opinion or when you talk and he is not listening to you, that is so annoying.

I think the domination in the relationship comes because of financial responsibility, but i understand that when you have kids, the wife cannot earn, but perhaps he needs to respect the effort you are putting in raising the kids and making sure the home life runs smoothly, give it equal value as he earning a pay cheque to feed, clothe and put a roof over your head, perhaps balance can be struck like western culture, that after a while the wife also gets discontented of working on the home front only and wants to go out into the world and work to earn a pay cheque too, and they get a nanny for the kids, so i think this we can learn from western culture and it could combat the trait some husbands have to dominate their wives because of earning pay cheque.

Edited by Nafisa_blossoms - 15 years ago

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br2499

@br2499

Voyager

Posted: 15 years ago

#13

Hi Raven,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story with us. I hope and wish that you get/have got some peace and happiness.

I totally accept what you say up to a point. It is true that Aham's dreams are shattered and nobody in this day and age wants an illiterate spouse and surely not a big businessman with a lot of visitbity . But then, what I dont like about that character is that, he does not have the courage to stand up to his mother but has no problem shouting and hitting and hurting his wife who as you described, is like a loyal puppy. He could not explain to his Nani why his wife is not around, and took the easy route. Does his shattered dreams give him leave to be a bully? did he even give a a chance to his wife and marriage? that is my complaint.

Having said that, I do love to see Gopi and Aham truly loving, trusting and respecting each other and we get to watch some good romance on their way to love.

BTW, you I go by the name Bee.

Edited by br2499 - 15 years ago

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ash

@raven14

Beginner

Posted: 15 years ago

#14

He could not explain to his Nani why his wife is not around, and took the easy route. Does his shattered dreams give him leave to be a bully? did he even give a a chance to his wife and marriage? that is my complaint.

I think you really need to be in that situation. Words can not truely describe it. I could never take my fustration out on my Elders. I took it out on my friends co-workers, then felt guilty, but my stubborness refused to allow me to blame myself. I blamed others, even God. Ahem has been married less than a year, I was married for 11 years.

Ahem will not believe he is the one who has to change since from birth he has been pampered an told he he is superior, by his mother. Gopi will have to be the first one to make the step.

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Rana

@hamzanuha

Dazzler

Posted: 15 years ago

#15

@Raven, I'm so sorry to hear your story. Thanks for sharing it. Hope your future is full of happiness, not just in your relationship but also the people around you, who matter to you.

I have 2 points I'd like to put forward:

1) Ahem as everyone here has said is a dominant personality. The problem is that such personalities simply cannot understand the submissive personality like Gopi, who's not only illiterate but also an orphan who's no doubt been bullied throughout her childhood by Urmi & Rashi, called mansoos, bojh, etc. Her reception by Urmila on returning is a fine example.

Ahem simply can't understand Gopi as she's the complete opposite of him. The reason he gets infuriated just looking at her is that no matter no much he raves & rants at her, she quietly takes it. Maybe if she retaliates in some way or another, he might begin to respect her?

2) Many families in India still treat the sons as more imp than the daughters, no matter how much or less educated. In Business families, it's even worse. The needs of the men of these households is paramount, going so far as to having their breakfasts served first, etc. Only after the menfolk leave for their business, do the ladies have their meal. I should know as my in-laws are from a business family, albeit a small town business. It's not as bad as the breakfast scene I've just described, but it was definitely prevalent years back, acc. to the stories related to me. My FIL & MIL treat us DILs like something just better than trash, only in front of our husbands is there a modicum of politeness or acknowledgement of our status. Everything we do is wrong, our handling of our children is always related to the outsiders as something bordering on evil.

Back to my point, in these families the whole house & the servants revolve around these earning members. They always come first. So it's no surprise that it's the same scenario in MM

The CVs have painted themselves into a corner where it's very difficult for a logical GoHem coming together, unless Anita turns up & shows a scheming shrewish character or the illiterate Gopi is bumped off in favour of a more polished, educated but a still Gopi-like character (God forbid). And you know because of this track having gone soooooo far, by the time a GoHem consummation comes round, there won't be any viewers left to get excited 😆

Rana

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ll-Shilpa-ll

@SIP1997

Sparkler

+ 7

Posted: 15 years ago

#16

@Rana, I agree with you on the way DIL are treated, but what is worst for me is that I live in America, I work, I am a nurse and its a stressful job, My MIL is in her fifties, but she still expects me to treat her like a queen after I come home and take over the mother and wife duties, My wish is for my husband to adopt some of the western ways and help me instead of hindering me, I have learned to adopt, but sometimes I get very frustrated,

When you life partner is not willing to meet you half way, there is nothing left in a relationship but distance.

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-Nafisa-

@-Nafisa-

Stunner

+ 5

Posted: 15 years ago

#17

Originally posted by: sbp1971
@Rana, I agree with you on the way DIL are treated, but what is worst for me is that I live in America, I work, I am a nurse and its a stressful job, My MIL is in her fifties, but she still expects me to treat her like a queen after I come home and take over the mother and wife duties, My wish is for my husband to adopt some of the western ways and help me instead of hindering me, I have learned to adopt, but sometimes I get very frustrated,

When you life partner is not willing to meet you half way, there is nothing left in a relationship but distance.

hi Shilpa, i can feel your frustration with your MIL and husband, as you are a working lady too. Depending on the age of your children, and your how comfortable you are financially, you might want to either quit working for a few years to raise the kids, make sure they do homework and are properly taken care off, i know you have MIL at home but different generation, might not be able to cope with modern education systems etc, also it's tiring for you to work, commute, raise kids, housework etc.

OR:

If the kids are a bit older, perhaps you can get them to help around the house to reduce your workload, as they are brought up there (US), they are very unlikely to return to India, to have a maid to do housework for them, so if you train them now it will be good for their future lives in that country. If the kids are over 10 years old teach them washing (loading the machine off course), dish-washing, ironing, arranging their own rooms. That will leave you with the cooking only, first prepare a weekly menu, get MIL to help with buying all ingredients, once you are fully stocked, create some shortcuts, make the onion paste in advance, use tomatoes in a carton (those passata type things) veggies will take you half an hour to cook, invest in a rice cooker (it is cooking whilst you are doing something else).

I hope all i have said is helpful to you.

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rusha4003

@rusha4003

Dazzler

+ 2

Posted: 15 years ago

#18

Raven, I'm Usha ... not too regular in the forum now ... but I do drop in whenever I can ....

Thanks for sharing your story .... It takes quite some courage to tell the story of your life to strangers, albeit anonymously. I think many of us will benefit from reading about your experience ... thanks to Bhumika, Sbp1971, and others who have shared their experiences too ....

I agree with Avivakirk, we were brought to perfect in all our roles .. daughter/wife/mother ... anything less from us is unacceptable. We really need to stand up for ourselves and get our dues ... ppl will walk all over you if you keep silent !

I was at the receiving end of my MIL's domineering nature of a long time too ... but fortunately for me, my husband is very very supportive of me. So, now I live by my own rules, not being rude or disrespectful to MIL, but I do put forth my opinions quite boldly now. Of course, as she's aging, she's mellowed a lot too ..... and life goes on ! 😊

Regarding Ahem & Gopi ... honestly dont know how the CVs intend to get them together ... We had great hopes of Koki working the magic ... but it didn't work ....

To my mind, for this to work, one of them has to change ... Ahem should become more patient and try to look at Gopi with her upbringing in mind .... or Gopi should become more self-confident and less gullible ....... she could be schooled by Parag / Jigar / Ba / Koki / Hetal .... the whole family could help her in this ... of course Raashi wouldn't !

But the CVs dont want this to happen .... they are quite content with the Gopi athyachaar ...

If this was real life .. I guess Aham would unceremoniously dump Gopi at her Mami's or Gopi would remain a glorified servant all her life in MM ! 😔

Edited by rusha4003 - 15 years ago

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ash

@raven14

Beginner

Posted: 15 years ago

#19

Kokila shouldn't have done that, make Ahem promise to be nice to Gopi. As I've mentioned before Ahem being nice { throught gritted teeth } is going to rise Gopi's hope's, the girl can't separate reality from fiction { which is ironic since this is fiction }

How is CT going to bring these two together, hopefully not through violence, they are not showing any change in either character. Seriously they cant make us believe that nani is going to be able to unite Ahem an Gopi through her loveable tricks. Even in fiction, it has to be believeable.

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-GayabCat-

@-GayabCat-

Stunner

+ 5

Posted: 15 years ago

#20

Welcome to the forum raven
After reading ur post I am quite relieved
I always used to say aehem is not a bad character its just what his emotions and his inside compelled him to do
And I agree what sadhli said I was like her last week I was devasted to seeing the show :( well am not married am only 17 so I can't say what married life is like
All I know its not a compromise or something it about 2 people gettin to know each other and supportin in little matters and that

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