Part 01: My love, I wish you'd stayed a while
"Before we learned our truth too late
Resigned to fate, fading away"
(Hold me while you wait, Lewis Capaldi)
_
It is an all-consuming, overwhelming thing, the avalanche in her chest. The walls protecting it had faltered long ago under the influence of warm pools of sable anyway but now her fragile heart breaks. It shatters into a million pieces and she doesn't know how she will ever put them back and it hurts, aches, so raw and deep. Her eyes overflow, her entire body quivers with the force of agony and just for a fleeting moment she wishes she had not received this reality check. But alas, that is not how life works and she realises with a pang that she has no rights to even feel this pain, to feel this heartache because even if she did not know the identity of Armaan's chit waali ladki, she did know there had been someone he had given up on because of the promise he made her dying mom. She knows that their marriage never was something that was supposed to be real and permanent, it was always a temporary thing, one that she had herself made sure of with her one year deal. There never were supposed to be feelings involved, not between them. Abhira realizes as she breaks apart that she has no right to fall apart, so unbearably hurt because her heart decided to beat for him, when they were nothing more than two names joined on paper, in a bond that was never supposed to last beyond a year. When they weren't made for love, weren't made to stay. When she wasn't the one in his heart and when her name wasn't the one that ran in every rhythm of his heart like his did in hers. When he hadn't promised her anything that he hadn't fulfilled!
It is a serene evening, so composed while everything within her is wrecked. She wraps her hands around herself, curls in like it can help her stabilise but it does not matter. Nothing changes because a lot has changed. The dawn of the day had brought about the lush of tangerine and the flush of scarlet to her life with the realisation of her love. She had flown, soared high, alight, happy, lovelorn. The dusk swallowed the sun as did it mercilessly clip her flight and she crashed onto the unforgiving ground, a mess, her tangerine splattered and her scarlet a tainted russet, bleeding out of her.
Love was never something that she believed in, despite it being something her mother had always believed in. It was never in her plan or her path or her intentions. But it had stealthily made its home in her heart and conquered it completely. It had made her absurdly happy and it felt verdant, like the first brush of rain against the leaves. It felt beautiful, like the streaks of ombre hues in the early morning sky. It felt like flying, like comfort, like relief and like finally being able to call what he made her feel. For the span of half a day, she had basked in this feeling, not letting any negative thought enshroud her but it had all come crashing down and while she wasn't a woman who shied away from accepting reality or accepting brutal truths, she wishes the universe hadn't been this cruel in maligning and snatching away the first moment of pure love from her.
"You promised me I'll be the only woman in your heart. You have no rights to back down on that promise! Not when I kept my part of it!"
She runs away from there, not waiting to hear his reply because her already unraveling emotions wouldn't be able to take the blow of his assent to whatever Ruhi said.
The universe has taken a lot from her but she wishes for once, that it had waited a little while, just to have that moment for a little more. Her first moment of accepting her love, that innocent joy and she wishes it had remained atleast for a day before it all eviscerated. Because love is primal and so is its devastation. So is the realisation that it would have been easier for her to swallow her pain had it just been him not loving her and not his endless devotion promised to a woman who lived in the same house as them and was married to his brother even though it would culminate in nothing. Because it meant she wasn't even fated enough for an ounce of hope or wait. Because it meant that she would belong forever to someone she can't even be in front of always! Because it meant that the only ever path of love in her life led to being alone all over again.
_
"And I'm yours, but you're not mine
Oh no, oh no, you're not there
I'm standin' on the sidewalk alone
I wait for you to drive by
I'm tryna see the cards that you won't show"
(Say don't go, Taylor Swift)
_
The moon peaks out, it's night and she's still sitting out. He hasn't found her yet but she isn't sure he even is looking. All her tears have flowed, there is just emptiness in her soul. She feels like a grave, only an alive life buried within her, suffocating, choking in muffled silence till eventually life will ebb away. There is an acceptance now within her, so drastically different from her acceptance of love. There is also a resolve. She vows to work harder and get out of his hair as soon as possible. He has done a lot for her and she is not going to fault him for something that he never promised. She knows she can't blame him for loving another, love doesn't exactly ask you whom it wants your heart to be in the grasp of. She has come to an acceptance and she hopes, soon, she will learn to be happy alongside it. After all, she has heard people say unrequited love is beautiful in its own way. She hopes, soon, she can feel serenity in place of this emptiness. She hopes, soon, she can save enough strength to leave and never look back again!
To be continued....
Beautifully captured Abhira's emotions
Seher Hone Ko Hai
