I've had similar experiences but in a different way.In my case, I was the child-like Abhir, seven at the time. I see some comments and the whole situation, and it's often triggering.
My dad got my custody, and for years I heard how my mother abandoned me. In his opinion, he was being honest about what happened. I only heard how it was her fault that their divorce occurred. He was always real and honest with me, based on whatever was real and true for him.
However, that realness and truth were emotionally and mentally damaging, though. I grew up not understanding why or how a mother could just leave her child. And I couldn't ask her because she passed away a year and a half later.
I'm in my late 20s now, and I've only realised in the past few years how my mother wasn't there to defend herself, so what I knew was all one-sided, that divorces don't happen wrong and that there are things that young children should never be told when they are children, even if it is true because it scars them and they internalise everything.
I learned later in life by collecting bits and pieces that the real truth differed from my dad's version. My mom gave up my custody because she knew I would be better off with him. It wasn't really her choice. Still, It's debatable how well that worked out because emotionally preoccupied or broken fathers can't do much nurturing.
I don't question his love, but I certainly wasn't his priority in an absolute sense. His emotional and mental preoccupation always took precedence over my well-being. 20 years and 3 other marriages later, he's still preoccupied with my mom being his true love and his real wife; I have to keep reminding him they divorced before she died and wasn't his wife then.
Because of this, I feel strongly about hiding the truth from children if they are too young to handle it. You don't have to lie to them, but they don't have to be told everything, and when you do share something with them, it has to be done tactfully.
Children are meant to be protected; they aren't adults who have the functionality to process complex situations, even if they are resilient. It does more damage than good to their psyche. The most important thing is for children to have stability and emotional security. They will accept all kinds of change if they continue to have that.
Knowing that your parents left you or gave up on you, for whatever reason, makes you insecure and have abandonment and commitment issues; not everyone can face them and move on.
It took me years of therapy to overcome that and let go seeking external validation, people-pleasing etc. because I was scared of losing the people around me. I'm still struggling, and I'm a grown independent individual.
In forums like this, it's always entirely black and white. People are on one side or another, and many of the comments just start hitting you. They become personal and are unwilling to accept differences of opinion, instead becoming hellbent on proving they are right.
It is so important to be kind in how you say your opinions, even if you disagree with what's being said.
But I do wish, with this level of polarity, that people just stick to like-minded posts.
Edited by misfit007 - 2 years ago
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